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Cards You’ll Never See In Hallmark

Joke of the Day Posted on | September 30, 2009 | No Comments

“Looking back over the years that we’ve been together, I can’t help but wonder:………….
What was I thinking?”

“Congratulations on your wedding day!………….
Too bad no one likes your wife.”

“How could two people as beautiful you…………
have such an ugly baby?”

“I’ve always wanted to have someone to hold, someone to love………
After having met you, I’ve changed my mind.”

“I must admit, you brought Religion in my life………..
I never believed in Hell until I met you.”

“As the days go by, I think of how lucky I am…….
that you’re not here to ruin it for me.”

“As you grow older, Mum, I think of all the gifts you’ve given me.
Like the need for therapy…”

“Thanks for being a part of my life!!!……….
I never knew what evil was before this!”

“Before you go,………
I would like you to take this knife out of my back. You’ll probably need it again.”

“Someday I hope to get married…………
but not to you.”

“You look great for your age…….
Almost Lifelike!”

“When we were together, you always said you’d die for me………
Now that we’ve broken up, I think it’s time you kept your promise.”

“I knew the day would come when you would leave me for my best friend…….
So here’s his leash, water bowl and chew toys.”

“We have been friends for a very long time………..
What do you say we call it quits?”

“I’m so miserable without you………………
It’s almost like you’re here.”

“Congratulations on your new bundle of joy……………
Did you ever find out who the father was?”

“You are such a good friend that if we were on a sinking ship and there was only one life jacket….
I’d miss you heaps and think of you often.”

“Your friends and I wanted to do something special for your birthday…………..
So we’re having you put to sleep.”

Tom, Dick and Harry

Joke of the Day Posted on | September 29, 2009 | No Comments

Tom, Dick and Harry were in the pub enjoying a few quiet drinks one night, when they decided to get in on the weekly raffle. They bought five $1 tickets each, seeing it was for charity. The following week, when the raffle was drawn, they each won a prize.

Tom won the first prize – a whole year’s supply of gourmet spaghetti sauce. Dick was the winner of the second prize – six month’s supply of extra-long gourmet spaghetti. And Harry won the sixth prize – a toilet brush.

When they met in the pub a week later, Harry asked the others how they were enjoying their prizes.

“Great,” said Tom. “I love spaghetti.”

“So do I,” said Dick. “And how’s the toilet brush, Harry?”

“Not so good,” Harry said, “I reckon I’ll go back to paper…”

Brain Change

Joke of the Day Posted on | September 28, 2009 | 2 Comments

The Brain Surgeon was about to perform a brain transplant.”You have your choice of two brains,” he told the patient, “For $1000 you can have the brain of a psychologist, or for $10,000 you can have the brain of a politician.”

The patient was amazed at the huge difference in price. “Is the brain of a politician that much better?” he asked.

The Brain Surgeon replied, “No, it’s not better, just unused.”

New Pig

Joke of the Day Posted on | September 27, 2009 | No Comments

President Clinton steps off Air Force One with a piglet under his arm. A smiling Colonel greets The President, The conversation went like this:

Colonel: Nice pig you got there Sir.

President: This here is an Arkansas Razorback that I got for Hillary.

Colonel: Nice trade Sir!

Preacher Leaving

Joke of the Day Posted on | September 26, 2009 | No Comments

The Preacher was explaining that he must move on to a larger congregation that will pay him more. There is a hush within the congregation — no one wanted him to leave.

Soren, who owns several car dealerships in the city, stands up and proclaims, “If the Preacher stays, I will provide him with a new Cadillac every two years, and his wife with a Chevy minivan to transport their children!”

The congregation sighs in relief, and applauds. Not to be outdone, his brother Magnus, who owns several rental houses in town, stands and says, “If the Preacher will stay on here, I’ll let him and his family stay rent free in one of my rental houses, right down the block!”

More sighs and loud applause. Lena, now age 88, stands and announces with a smile, “If the Preacher stays, I will give him sex!”

There is total silence until finally the Preacher, blushing, asks her, “Lena, whatever possessed you to say that?”

Lena’s 90-year-old husband, Ole, is now trying to hide, holding his forehead with the palm of his hand, and shaking his head from side to side. Lena smiles broadly and replies, “Well, I just asked my husband how we could help, and he said, ‘Screw the preacher!'”

Most Efficient at Law Enforcement

Joke of the Day Posted on | September 25, 2009 | No Comments

In an attempt to see who was the most efficient at law enforcement, the President had his men turn 3 rabbits loose in 3 different patches of woods. He then called in the CIA, FBI, and the LA Police Dept. and told each of them to go out and find the rabbit.

The CIA set up covert ops, and made connections within the animal community, paid spooks and assasins for information, and at the end of 6 months, concluded that the rabbit did not exist.

The FBI carpet bombed the patch of woods, killing everything in it, and made no appologies for the loss of life because any animal helping the rabbit to hide, deserved whatever it got.

The LAPD went into the woods and within 10 minutes, came out with a bear in handcuffs, beating it half to death with their riot batons. The bear was reported to be yelling, “OK, OK…I’M A RABBIT! I’M A RABBIT!!”

Just Pass Driving Test

Joke of the Day Posted on | September 24, 2009 | No Comments

An inquired of his father as to when they could discuss his use of the car.

His father said he’d make a deal with his son: ‘You bring your grades up from a C to a B average, study your Bible a little, and get your hair cut. Then we’ll talk about the car..’

The boy thought about that for a moment, decided he’d settle for the offer, and they agreed on it.

After about six weeks his father said, ‘Son, you’ve brought your grades up and I’ve observed that you have been studying your Bible, but I’m disappointed you haven’t had your hair cut.

The boy said, ‘You know, Dad, I’ve been thinking about that, and I’ve noticed in my studies of the Bible that Samson had long hair, John the Baptist had long hair, Moses had long hair…and there’s even strong evidence that Jesus had long hair.’

To this his father replied, ‘Did you also notice they all walked everywhere they went?’

The I Love You Virus

Joke of the Day Posted on | September 23, 2009 | No Comments

Security experts and federal government authorities warn that offspring of the dangerous e-mail virus are now on the loose. As a public service, we present the following list of “I Love You” variations and how to recognize them:

The “I Love You, But I’m Shy” virus never actually invades your computer but collects data about it worshipfully from afar.

The “Unrequited Love” virus causes your computer to be so obsessed with a virus-a virus that it can never have-that it can no longer function.

The “Love The One You’re With” virus hangs around your computer, but the whole thing is just temporary until it can find the computer that it really wants to invade.

The “Can’t We Just Be Friends” virus makes your computer think it’s interested in invading. Then, just when your computer is getting excited about the invasion, it breaks off the connection with your computer, dashing its hard drive against the rocks.

The “One Night Stand” virus invades your computer, turns its hard drive upside down, then disappears after promising to come back sometime. But it leaves a twenty in your online bank account.

The “Happily Married” virus invades only one computer and stays with it for life.

The “Unhappily Married” virus spends a long time negotiating with a computer, finally invades it, and then strays to other computers from time to time.!

The “I Can’t Commit” virus hangs around a computer for a long time and frequently sends messages that it intends to invade, but is really just interested in playing with your computer’s data.

The “It’s Just A Physical Thing” virus invades your computer on a regular basis, but no meaningful data is ever exchanged.

The “I Want A Divorce” virus sends repeated, hard-to-read messages that your computer is never turned on, then finally leaves. But it returns some time later and takes half of your computer’s best data in an ugly network session.

The “Little Virus Of The Evening” virus will do anything to your computer–if you’re willing to pay the right price.

The “Stalker” virus spends unnatural amounts of time monitoring your computer, collecting data your computer has thrown away and trying to record its most intimate functions.

The “Forever Single” virus causes your computer to focus solely on other computers that are totally incompatible with it.

The “Deadbeat Dad” virus invades your computer, spawns an entirely new database, then refuses to help update it as it grows.

The “Married Too Long” virus splits your PC into two partitions that never interface-one that does too much online shopping and one that never does anything except monitor espn.com.

CLAWS FOR ALARM

Joke of the Day Posted on | September 22, 2009 | No Comments

After a day fishing in the ocean a fisherman is walking from the pier carrying two lobsters in a bucket. He is approached by the Game Warden who asks him for his fishing license.

The fisherman says to the warden, “I did not catch these lobsters, they are my pets. Everyday I come done to the water and whistle and these lobster jump out and I take them for a walk only to return them at the end of the day.”

The warden, not believing him, reminds him that it is illegal to fish without a license. The fisherman turns to the warden and says, “If you don’t believe me then watch,” as he throws the lobsters back into the water.

The warden says, “Now whistle to your lobsters and show me that they will come out of the water.”

The fisherman turns to the warden and says, “What lobsters?”

Three Knots

Joke of the Day Posted on | September 21, 2009 | No Comments

An old retired sailor puts on his old uniform and goes down to the docks once more for old times sake. He hires a prostitute and takes her up to a room. He’s going at it as best as he can for a guy his age. He asks, “How am I doing?”

The prostitute replies, “Well sailor, you’re doing about three knots.”

“Three knots?” he replies, “What’s that supposed to mean?” She says, “You’re knot hard, you’re knot in, and you’re knot getting your money back!”

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