Intelligent life on Mars
Joke of the Day Posted on | August 11, 2009 | No Comments
It was a celebratory mood with the boys at NASA; they had just made the scientific achievement of a lifetime.
As they were uncorking a bottle of champagne, Dr. Lowenstein, the head scientist at NASA, asked everyone to be quiet as he had received a congratulatory phone call from the President of the United States.
He picked up a special red phone, and spoke into it.
“Mr. President,” said Dr. Lowenstein, grinning broadly, “after twelve years of hard research and billions of dollars spent, we have finally found intelligent life on Mars.”
He listened for a second, and his smile gradually disappeared, replaced by a frown.
He said, “But that’s impossible . . . we could never do it. yes Mr. President,” and hung up the phone. He addressed the crowd of scientists staring at him curiously.
“I have some bad news,” he said, “the President said that now that we’ve found intelligent life on Mars . . . he wants us to try to find it in Congress.”
Rolling Back The Years
Joke of the Day Posted on | August 10, 2009 | No Comments
A blonde was trying to sell her old car. She was having a lot of problems selling it, because the car had almost 230,000 miles on it.
One day, she told her problem to a brunette she worked with at a salon. The brunette told her, “There is a possibility to make the car easier to sell, but it’s not legal.”
“That doesn’t matter,” replied the blonde, “if I can only sell the car.”
“Okay,” said the brunette. “Here is the address of a friend of mine. He owns a car repair shop. Tell him I sent you and he will ‘fix it’. Then you shouldn’t have a problem anymore trying to sell your car.”
The following weekend, the blonde made the trip to the mechanic. About one month after that, the brunette asked the blonde, “Did you sell your car?”
“No,” replied the blonde, “Why should I? It only has 50,000 miles on it!”
Great Writer
Joke of the Day Posted on | August 9, 2009 | No Comments
There was once a young man who, in his youth, professed his desire to become a great writer.
When asked to define great, he said, “I want to write stuff that the whole world will read, stuff that people will react to on a truly emotional level, stuff that will make them scream, cry, howl in pain and anger!”
He now works for Microsoft writing error messages.
Fairy Tales
Joke of the Day Posted on | August 8, 2009 | No Comments
When Chelsea Clinton was eight, Hillary was reading one of her favorite fairy tales.
“Mommy,” asked Chelsea, “Do all fairy tales begin with “Once Upon a Time…?”"
“No, dearest,” replied Hillary, “sometimes they start with ‘Darling, I have to work a little late at the office tonight…’”
Trouble With Women
Joke of the Day Posted on | August 7, 2009 | No Comments
“Doc,” said the young man lying down on the couch, “You’ve got to help me! Every night I have the same horrible dream. I’m lying in bed when all of a sudden five women rush in and start tearing off my clothes.”
The psychiatrist nodded, “And what do you do?”
“I push them away!”
“I see. And what can I do to help you with this?”
The patient implored, “Please-break my arms!”
Psychology Instructor
Joke of the Day Posted on | August 6, 2009 | No Comments
The psychology instructor had just finished a lecture on mental health and was giving an oral test.
Speaking about a specific condition, she asked, “How would you diagnose a patient who walks back and forth screaming at the top of his lungs one minute, then sits in a chair weeping uncontrollably the next?”
A young man in the rear raised his hand and answered, “A basketball coach?”
Who’s Father is Better
Joke of the Day Posted on | August 5, 2009 | No Comments
Two little boys, one blond, one with brown hair, were arguing over whose father could beat the other’ up.
The brown-haired kid said, “My father is way better than yours.”
The blond came back, “Maybe, but my mother is better than yours.”
“That’s what my father says.”
Value Of a Dollar
Joke of the Day Posted on | August 4, 2009 | No Comments
Mrs. O’Henry was talking to her husband one night about their son and his allowance.
“Well, darling,” said Mr. O’Henry, “I had a long talk with him last week about the value of a dollar.”
“I know,” she replied, “the other day he asked for his allowance in Yen.”
Obey
Joke of the Day Posted on | August 3, 2009 | No Comments
Jimmy’s mom dragged him in front of his dad during the football game.
“Talk to your son,” she said. “He refuses to obey a word I say.”
The father turned to Jimmy angrily. “Jimmy, how dare you disobey your mother. Do you think you’re better than your old man?”
A Bad Day at Work
Joke of the Day Posted on | August 2, 2009 | No Comments
If you don’t laugh out loud after you read this you are in a coma! This is even funnier when you realize it’s real! Next time you have a bad day at work think of this guy.
Rob is a commercial saturation diver for Global Divers in Louisiana. He performs underwater repairs on offshore drilling rigs.
Below is an e-mail he sent to his sister. She then sent it to radio station 103.2 FM in Ft. Wayne, Indiana, who was sponsoring a worst job experience contest. Needless to say, she won:
Hi Sue,
Just another note from your bottom-dwelling brother.
Last week I had a bad day at the office. I know you’ve been feeling down lately at work, so I thought I would share my dilemma with you to make you realize it’s not so bad after all .
Before I can tell you what happened to me, I first must bore you with a few technicalities of my job.
As you know, my office lies at the bottom of the sea. I wear a suit to the office. It’s a wet suit.
This time of year the water is quite cool. So what we do to keep warm is this: We have a diesel powered industrial water heater. This $20,000 piece of equipment that sucks the water out of the sea. It heats it to a delightful temperature. It then pumps it down to the diver through a garden hose, which is taped to the air hose.
Now, this all sounds like a darn good plan, and I’ve used it several times with no complaints.
What I do when I get to the bottom and start working, is take the hose and stuff it down the back of my wet suit. This floods my whole suit with warm water. It’s fantastic…it’s like working in a Jacuzzi.
Everything was going well until all of a sudden, my butt started to itch. So, of course, I scratched it. This, of course, only made things worse. Within a few seconds my bottom started to feel a burning sensation. I pulled the hose out from my back, thinking that maybe the water was too hot, but the damage was done.
In agony, I realized what had happened.
The hot water machine had sucked up a jellyfish and pumped it directly into my suit. Now, since I don’t have any hair on my back, so the jellyfish couldn’t stick to it. However, the crack of my butt was not as fortunate.
When I had scratched what I thought was an itch, I was actually grinding the jellyfish, and all of its poisonous, stinging tentacles, into the crack of my bottom.
I immediately informed the dive supervisor of my dilemma over the communicator. His instructions were unclear due to the fact that he, along with five other divers, were all laughing hysterically.
Needless to say, I aborted the dive. I was instructed to make three agonizing in-water decompression stops totaling thirty-five minutes before I could reach the surface to begin my chamber dry decompression. When I arrived at the surface, I was wearing nothing but my brass helmet.
As I climbed out of the water, the medic, with tears of laughter running down his face, handed me a tube of cream and told me to rub it on my butt as soon as I got in the chamber.
The cream put the fire out, but I couldn’t poop for two days because my bottom was swollen shut.
So, next time you’re having a bad day at work, think about how much worse it would be if you had a jellyfish shoved up your bottom.
Now repeat to yourself, “I love my job, I love my job, I love my job.”
Now whenever you have a bad day, ask yourself, is this a jellyfish bad day?
May you NEVER have a jellyfish bad day.
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