Joke of the Day : Joke Diary

Joke of the Day For Everybody

Leaving

Joke of the Day Posted on | August 21, 2009 | No Comments

The boss returned from lunch in a good mood and called the whole staff in to listen to a couple of jokes he had picked up. Everybody but one woman laughed uproariously. Used to having a better audience, his good mood quickly faded. “What’s the matter?” grumbled the boss. “Don’t you get the jokes?”

“I don’t have to laugh,” she said. “I’m leaving Friday.”

Use Words Correctly

Joke of the Day Posted on | August 20, 2009 | No Comments

Relex Singh was travelling in a crowded bus. He was carrying the passport-size photograph of his son for college admission.

Accidentally, the photograph dropped down from his pocket.

He started searching for it frantically & found it on the floor below the ends of a woman’s saree.

He asked her, “Can you lift your saree? I wanna take photograph”….

He was beaten so badly that he had to be admitted to hospital. He was suprised to see Jaswan Singh on the next bed to him in a worse condition.

Jaswan explained what happened to him.

He had gone to a remote village to work. He finished late & missed the last bus. He couldn’t find any hotel nearby.

So he approached a nearby house & asked the owner whether he can stay there for a night.

The owner replied “I have 2 grown-up daughters. Sorry, you can’t stay here.”

Then he approached the next house & asked the owner whether he can stay there for a night.

The owner too replied “I have 3 grown-up daughters. Sorry u can’t stay here.”

So he went to the next house & asked “Do you have grown-up daughters?”

The owner asked “Why?”and Jaswan replied,”I want to stay for a night.”

THE REST IS HISTORY… boommmmm..!!!

WORDS GET YOU INTO DEEP TROUBLE IF YOU DON’T USE THEM CORRECTLY…

Typo Mistake

Joke of the Day Posted on | August 19, 2009 | 1 Comment

1. A daughter sent a telegram to her father about passing her B.Ed exams, which the father received as ” Father, your daughter has been successful in BED.”

2. A husband, while on a business trip to a hill station sent a telegram to his wife “I wish you were here.” The message received by the wife was “I wish you were her.”

3. A man wanted to celebrate his wife’s Birthday by throwing a party,so he ordered a birthday cake. The salesman asked him what message he wanted put on the cake. He thought for a moment & said”U r getting older but U r getting better”.

The salesman asked “how do u want me to put it?” The man said “..put “U r getting older” at the top & put “but U r getting better” at the bottom.”

When the cake was unveiled at the party, all the guests were agast at the message on the cake. It read:
“You are getting older at the top, but you are getting better at the bottom”

Morals of the Story:
Double proof read everything before you send.
Don’t trust others to write it right for you.

Justice

Joke of the Day Posted on | August 18, 2009 | No Comments

One day in the future, Osama bin Laden has a heart attack and dies. He goes to hell, where the devil is waiting for him. I don’t know what to do here,” says the devil. “You are on my list, but I have no room for you.” He stops and ponders the predicament before him, then continues…”You definitely have to stay here, so I’ll tell you what I’m going to do. I’ve got three folks here who weren’t quite as bad as you. I’ll let one of them go, but you have to take their place. I’ll even let YOU decide who leaves.”

Osama thought that sounded pretty good, so he agreed. The devil opened the first room: in it was Richard Nixon and a large pool of water. He kept diving in and surfacing empty handed-over and over and over. Such was his fate in hell.

No,” bin Laden said. “I don’t think so. I’m not a good swimmer and don’t think I could do that all day long.”

The devil led him to the next room: in it was Tony Blair with sledge-hammer and a room full of rocks. All he did was swing that hammer, time after time after time. No, I’ve got this problem with my shoulder. I would be in constant agony if all I could do was break rocks all day,” said Osama.

The devil opened a third door. In it, Osama saw Bill Clinton, lying on the floor with his arms staked over his head, and his legs staked in spread eagle pose. Bent over him was Monica Lewinsky, doing what she does best.

Osama bin Laden looked at this in disbelief for a while and finally said, “Yeah, I can handle this.”

The devil smiled and said, “OK, Monica, you’re free to go.”

What Do Men Remind You of

Joke of the Day Posted on | August 17, 2009 | No Comments

PLACEMATS
They only show up when there’s food on the table.

MASCARA
They usually run at the first sign of emotion.

BIKE HELMETS
They’re good in emergencies but usually just look silly.

GOVERNMENT BONDS
They take so long to mature.

COPIERS
You need them in reproduction but that’s about it.

LAVA LAMPS
Fun to look at it but not all that bright.

BANK ACCOUNTS
Without a lot of money they don’t generate a lot of interest.

HIGH HEELS
They’re easy to walk on once you get the hang of it.

CURLING IRONS
They’re always hot and always in your hair.

MINI SKIRT
If your not careful they’ll creep up your legs.

Vacation

Joke of the Day Posted on | August 16, 2009 | No Comments

George went on a vacation to the Middle East with his family, including his mother-in-law. During their vacation in Jerusalem, George’s mother-in-law died. With the death certificate in his hand, George went to the American Consulate Office to make arrangements to send the body back to the United States for a proper burial.

The Consul told George that to send the body back to the United States for burial is very, very expensive. It could cost him as much as $5,000.00. The Consul told him, in most cases the person responsible for the remains normally decides to bury the body here in Jerusalem. This would only cost him $150.00.

George thinks for some time and answers, “I don’t care how much it will cost to send the body back; that’s what I want to do.” The Consul says “You must have loved your mother-in-law very much, considering the difference in price.” “No, it’s not that,” says George. “You see, I know of a case many, many years ago of a man who was buried here in Jerusalem. On the third day, he rose from the dead! I just can’t take that chance!”

Three Accountants

Joke of the Day Posted on | August 15, 2009 | No Comments

Three accountants were in the urinal performing their morning constitutional. The first accountant finishes and walks over to the sink to wash his hands. Very carefully. He uses paper towel after paper towel and ensures that every single spot of water on his hands is dried. Turning to the other two other accountants, he says “At KPMG, we are trained to be extremely thorough”. The second accountant finishes his task at the urinal and he proceeds to wash his hands. He uses a single paper towel and makes sure that he dries his hands using every available portion of the paper towel. He turns and says “At Ernst & Young, not only are we trained to be extremely thorough but we are also trained to be extremely efficient”.

The third accountant finished and walks straight for the door. “At Arthur Andersen, we don’t pee on our hands”.

Coming Winter

Joke of the Day Posted on | August 14, 2009 | No Comments

It was April and the Aboriginals in a remote part of Northern Australia asked their new elder if the coming winter was going to be cold or mild.

Since he was an elder in a modern community he had never been taught the old secrets. When he looked at the sky he couldn’t tell what the winter was going to be like. Nevertheless, to be on the safe side, he told his tribe that the winter was indeed going to be cold and that the members of the tribe should collect firewood to be prepared.

But being a practical leader, after several days he had an idea.

He walked out to the telephone booth on the highway, called the Bureau of Meteorology and asked, ‘Is the coming winter in this area going to be cold?’

The meteorologist responded, ‘It looks like this winter is going to be quite cold.’

So the elder went back to his people and told them to collect even more wood in order to be prepared.

A week later he called the Bureau of Meteorology again. ‘Does it still look like it is going to be a very cold winter?’

The meteorologist again replied, ‘Yes, it’s going to be a very cold winter.’

The elder again went back to his community and ordered them to collect every scrap of firewood they could find.

Two weeks later the elder called the Bureau again. ‘Are you absolutely sure that the winter is going to be very cold?’ he asked.

‘Absolutely,’ the man replied.

‘It’s looking more and more like it is going to be one of the coldest winters ever.’

‘How can you be so sure?’ the elder asked.

The weatherman replied, ‘Our satellites have reported that the Aboriginals in the north are collecting firewood like crazy, and that’s always a sure sign.’

Playing Golf

Joke of the Day Posted on | August 13, 2009 | No Comments

Bill comes to work speaking in a hoarse voice. Ralph asks him what happened to his voice. He relates that he was playing golf, and sliced his ball out of bounds and into a pasture.

However, he thought he could find his ball and went to look for it. He saw a woman looking for her ball, too. As he passed a cow, he noticed that there was a golf ball stuck in the back end of the cow.

He lifted up the cow’s tail and called out, “Hey lady, does this look like yours?”

That’s when she hit him in the throat with a 3 iron.

That’s When The Fight Started

Joke of the Day Posted on | August 12, 2009 | 1 Comment

My wife and I were watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed.

I turned to her and said, “Do you want to have sex?” “No,” she answered.

I then said, “Is that your final answer?” She didn’t even look at me this time, simply saying “Yes.”

So I said, “Then I’d like to phone a friend.”

And that’s when the fight started….

******

I asked my wife, “Where do you want to go for our anniversary?”

It warmed my heart to see her face melt in sweet appreciation.

“Somewhere I haven’t been in a long time!” she said.

So I suggested, “How about the kitchen?”

And that’s when the fight started….

******

Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, grabbed the dog, and slipped quietly into the garage.

I hooked up the boat up to the truck, and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour.

The wind was blowing 50 mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad all day. I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed. I cuddled up to my wife’s back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered, ‘The weather out there is terrible.’

My loving wife of 10 years replied, ‘Can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that?’

And that’s when the fight started….

******

A man and a woman were asleep like two innocent babies.

Suddenly, at 3 o’clock in the morning, a loud noise came from outside.

The woman, bewildered, jumped up from the bed and yelled at the man ‘That must be my husband!’

So the man jumped out of the bed, scared and naked, and jumped out the window. He smashed himself on the ground, ran through a thorn bush and to his car as fast as he could go.

A few minutes later he returned and went up to the bedroom and screamed at the woman, ‘I AM your husband!’

The woman yelled back, ‘Yeah, then why were you running?’

And that’s when the fight started….

******

I tried to talk my wife into buying a case of Miller Light for $14.95.

Instead, she bought a jar of cold cream for $7.95. I told her the beer would make her look better at night than the cold cream.

And that’s when the fight started….

******

A woman was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.

She was not happy with what she saw and said to her husband, ‘I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.’

The husband replies, ‘Your eyesight’s damn near perfect.’

And that’s when the fight started….

******

I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my order first.

“I’ll have the strip steak, medium rare, please.”

He said, “Aren’t you worried about the mad cow?””

“Nah, she can order for herself.”

And that’s when the fight started….

******

My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table.

My wife asked, ‘Do you know her?’

‘Yes,’ I sighed, ‘She’s my old girlfriend.. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many years

ago, and I hear she hasn’t been sober since.’

‘My God!’ said my wife, ‘who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?’ And that’s when the fight started….

******

After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security.

The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver’s license to verify my age.

I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later. The woman said, ‘Unbutton your shirt.’ So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair. She said, ‘That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me’ and she processed my Social Security application.

When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office.

She said, ‘You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability, too.’

And that’s when the fight started….

******

When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her someplace expensive… so, I took her to a gas station.

And that’s when the fight started….

******

My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary.

She said, ‘I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 200 in about 3 seconds.’

I bought her a scale..

And that’s when the fight started….

******

My wife sat down on the couch next to me as I was flipping channels.

She asked, ‘What’s on TV?’

I said, ‘Dust..’

And that’s when the fight started….

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