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Water in the Carburetor

Joke of the Day Posted on | August 31, 2009 | No Comments

My wife came home yesterday and said, “Honey, the car won’t start, but I know what the problem is.”

I asked her what it was, and she told me there was water in the carburetor. I thought for a moment, then said, “You know, I don’t mean this offensively, but you don’t know the carburetor from the accelerator.”

“No, there’s definitely water in the carburetor,” she insisted.

“OK Honey, that’s fine, I’ll just go take a look. Where is it?”

“In the lake.”

Expert Surgeon

Joke of the Day Posted on | August 30, 2009 | 1 Comment

Sam and John were out cutting wood when John cut his arm off. Sam remained calm, wrapped the arm in a plastic bag, and took the arm and John to a surgeon.

“You are in luck,” said the surgeon. “I am an expert in re-attaching limbs. Come back in four hours when I have completed the operation.”

So Sam returned in four hours and the surgeon said, “I did it faster than I expected. Jon is down at the pub.”

Sam rushed down to the pub and was amazed to see John playing darts.

A few weeks later, Sam and John were cutting wood again when John accidentally cut off his leg.

Sam put the leg in a plastic bag and took it and John back to the same surgeon.

“Legs are harder,” said the surgeon, “but I’ll see what I can do – come back in six hours.”

Sam returned in six hours and the surgeon said, “I finished early – John’s playing football.”

Sam went to the field and to his surprise found John kicking 50 meter torpedoes.

A few weeks later, Sam and John were cutting wood again, when John accidentally cut off his own head.

Sam put the head in a plastic bag and took it and the rest of John to the surgeon, confident that the skillful surgeon would do the job.

“Gee, heads are really difficult to re-attach,” the surgeon muttered, “but I’ll see what I can do – come back in 12 hours.”

Sam returned in 12 hours.

“How did it go, Doc?” he asked.

“I’m sorry. John died,” the surgeon replied.

He suffocated in the plastic bag, you idiot!!”

Pocket

Joke of the Day Posted on | August 29, 2009 | No Comments

A man walks into a bar, orders a drink, gulps it down, looks in his pocket then orders another one.

He gulps that one down, looks in his pocket again, then orders another one.

He does this about 7 or 8 more times when the bartender finally asks, “Every time you finish a drink you look in your pocket. What’s in your pocket?”

The man replies, “Oh… I have a picture of my wife in there. I drink until she looks good, then I go home.”

New Names

Joke of the Day Posted on | August 28, 2009 | 1 Comment

The three wise men arrived to visit the child lying in the manger. One of the wise men was exceptionally tall and bumped his head on the low doorway as he entered the stable. “Jesus Christ!” he exclaimed. Joseph said, “Write that down, Mary; it’s better than Clyde!”

Hubby and Wife

Joke of the Day Posted on | August 27, 2009 | No Comments

Wife: Oh, come on.
Husband: Leave me alone!
Wife: It won’t take long.
Husband: I won’t be able to sleep afterwards.
Wife: I can’t sleep without it.
Husband: Why do you think of things like this in the middle of the night?
Wife: Because I’m Hot.
Husband: You get hot at the darkness times.
Wife: If you love me I wouldn’t have to beg you.
Husband: If you love me you’d be more considerate.
Wife: You don’t love me anymore.
Husband: Yes I do, but let’s forget it for tonight.
Wife: (Sob-Sob)
Husband: Alright, I’ll do it.
Wife: What’s the matter? Need a flashlight?
Husband: I can’t find it.
Wife: Oh, for heaven’s sake, feel for it!
Husband: There! Are you satisfied?
Wife: Oh, yes, honey.
Husband: Is it up far enough?
Wife: Oh, that’s fine.
Husband: Now go to bed and from now on when you want the window open,do it yourself.

Going to Heaven

Joke of the Day Posted on | August 26, 2009 | No Comments

Father Murphy walked into a pub and said to the first man he met, “Do you want to go to heaven?”

The man said, “I do Father.”

The priest said,”Leave this pub right now!”
He then approached a second man. “Do you want to got to heaven?”

“Certainly, Father,” was the man’s reply.
“Then leave this den of Satan!” said the priest.

Father Murphy then walked up to O’Toole and asked, “Do you want to go to heaven?”

O’Toole replied: “No, I don’t Father.”

The priest looked him right in the eye and said, “You mean to tell me that when you die you don’t want to go to heaven?”

O’Toole smiled, “Oh, when I die. Yes Father. I thought you were getting a group together to go right now.”

Company Slogans

Joke of the Day Posted on | August 25, 2009 | No Comments

A class professor was giving a lecture on company slogans and was asking his students if they were familiar with them.

“Joe,” he asked, “which company has the slogan, ‘come fly the friendly skies’?”

Joe answered the correct airline.

“Brenda, can you tell me which company has the slogan, “Don’t leave home without it?”

Brenda answered the correct credit card company with no difficulty.

“Now John, Tell me which company bears the slogan, ‘Just do it’?”

and John answered, “mom.”

Stone Blind Love

Joke of the Day Posted on | August 24, 2009 | 1 Comment

STONE BLIND LOVE

Sometime after Sidney died, his widow, Tillie, was finally able to speak about what a thoughtful and wonderful man her late husband had been.

“Sidney thought of everything,” she told them. “Just before he died, Sidney called me to his bedside. He handed me three envelopes. ‘Tillie,’ he told me, ‘I have put all my last wishes in these three envelopes. After I am dead, please open them and do exactly as I have instructed. Then, I can rest in peace’.”

“What was in the envelopes?” her friends asked.

“The first envelope contained $5,000 with a note, ‘Please use this money to buy a nice casket.’ So I bought a beautiful mahogany casket with such a comfortable lining that I know Sidney is resting very comfortably.”

“The second envelope contained $10,000 with a note, ‘Please use this for a nice funeral.’ I arranged Sidney a very dignified funeral and bought all his favorite foods for everyone attending.”

“And the third envelope?” asked her friends.

“The third envelope contained $25,000 with a note, ‘Please use this to buy a nice stone’.”

Holding her hand in the air, Tillie said, “So, do you like my stone?” showing off her ten carat diamond ring.

Pictures in Driving License

Joke of the Day Posted on | August 23, 2009 | No Comments

When I went to get my driver’s license renewed, our local motor-vehicle bureau was packed. The line inched along for almost an hour until the man ahead of me finally got his license.

He inspected his photo for a moment and commented to the clerk, “I was standing in line so long, I ended up looking pretty grouchy in this picture.”

The clerk looked at his picture closely. “It’s okay,” he reassured the man: “That’s how you’re going to look when the cops pull you over anyway.”

Earthing

Joke of the Day Posted on | August 22, 2009 | No Comments

Late one night, an alien spacecraft landed near a deserted gas station. After a bit, one of the aliens came down the ramp, looked around, and walked over to one of the gas pumps, where he demanded, “Earthling. Take me to your leader!”

The gas pump, of course, did not reply.

The alien became agitated and again demanded, “Take me to your leader!” The gas pump remained silent.

Frustrated, the alien went back to the spacecraft where he was confronted by the captain: “Report!”

“I contacted an Earthling. He would not cooperate.”

“Hmmmm. I will deal with this Earthling myself.”

“Yes, Sir. Be careful, Sir. I have a feeling there could be trouble.”

The captain left the ship and approached the gas pump. “Earthling, you will cooperate. Take me to your leader.” The gas pump remained unresponsive. “If you do not respond by the count of three, I shall be forced to fire on you. One. Two. Three.”

ZZZZZZZZT! WHAM!

The gas pump exploded, knocking the alien clear out of the parking lot. The captain jumped up and got back to his ship as fast as he could.

“Quickly! Make ready to depart!”

“Yes, Sir. What happened, Sir?”

“I fired on the Earthling and it responded very forcefully.”

“Sorry Sir, I was afraid that might happen.”

“How did you know that there would be trouble?”

“Well, Sir, I assumed that anyone who can take his penis, wrap it around his feet, and stick it in his left ear is going to be one very tough customer.”

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