JUST GOLF!
Joke of the Day Posted on | July 11, 2009 | No Comments
To celebrate 50 years of marriage, a couple booked a weekend at St. Andrews. On the third tee, the husband you, “Darling, I have to confess something. Twenty years ago I had a brief affair. It meant nothing. I hope that you can forgive me.”
His wife was hurt but said, “Dearest, those days are long gone. What we have now is far more valuable. I forgive you.” They embraced and kissed.
On the seventeenth tee the wife said to her husband, “Darling, since we’re being honest with each other, I have something to tell you. Fifty-two years ago I had a sex change operation, I was a man before we met.”
The husband threw a fit! He cursed, threw his driver away, broke the rest of his clubs one by one, tore at his clothes, screamed and ranted,”You liar, you despicable cheat! How could you? I trusted you, and you have been playing off from the ladies’ tee all these years!”
A Woodcutter
Joke of the Day Posted on | July 10, 2009 | No Comments
One day, while a woodcutter was cutting a branch of a tree above a river, his axe fell into the river. When he began crying.
God appeared and asked him, “Why are you crying?” The woodcutter told Him that he had dropped his axe into water.
God went down into the water and reappeared with a golden axe.”Is this your axe?” God asked. The woodcutter said “No”.
God again went down and came up with a silver axe. “Is this your axe?” God asked. The wood cutter said “No”.
God went down again and came up wit h an iron axe. “Is this your axe?” God asked. The wood cutter said “Yes”.
God was pleased with the man’s honesty and gave him all the three axes. The woodcutter went home happily.
One day while he was walking with his wife along the river, his wife fell into the river. When he began crying, God appeared and asked him, “Why are you crying?” “My wife has fallen into water.”
God went down into the water and came up with Jennifer Lopez. “Is This your wife?”, God asked. “Yes,” he said.
God was furious,”YOOOU…YOU CHEEEEAT!! Now I am going to curse you”. The woodcutter quickly said, “Forgive me My Lord. It is a misunderstanding.
If I say “No” to Jennifer Lopez, you will come up with Catherine Zeta Jones. If I also say “No” to her, you will finally come up with my wife and I will say “Yes”.
Then you will give all the three women to me. I am a poor man and I have to be practical. I will not be able to look after all the three. So that’s why I’ve to say “Yes…….”
Flight from Los Angeles
Joke of the Day Posted on | July 9, 2009 | No Comments
A lawyer and a blonde woman are seated next toeach other on a flight from Los Angeles to New York. The lawyer leans over to her and asks if she would like to play a fun game.
The blonde just wants to take a nap so she politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks.
The lawyer persists and explains that the game is really easy and a lot of fun. He explains” I ask you a question and if you don’t know the answer, you pay me $5, and vice-versa.”
Again, she politely declines and tries to get some sleep. The lawyer, now somewhat restless, says, “Okay, okay, if you don’t know the answer you pay me $5 and if I don’t know the answer, I’ll pay you $500,” figuring that since she is a blonde he will easily win the match. This catches the blonde’s attention and figuring that there will be no end to his torment unless she plays, the blonde agrees to the game.
The lawyer starts by asking the first question. “What’s the distance from the earth to the moon?” The blonde doesn’t say a word, reaches into her purse, pulls out a $5 bill and hands it to the lawyer. Now it’s the blonde’s turn. She asks the lawyer: “What goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four?”
The lawyer looks at her with a puzzled look. He takes out his laptop computer and searches all his references. He taps into the plane’s Skyphone with his modem and searches the Net and the Library of Congress. Frustrated, he e-mails all his co-workers and friends. No success. After over an hour, he wakes the blonde and hands her $500. The blonde politely takes the $500 and turns back to sleep. The lawyer, who is more than a little sore, wakes the blonde and asks, “Well, so what IS the answer?” Without a word, the blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5, and goes back to sleep.
Just Moved In
Joke of the Day Posted on | July 8, 2009 | No Comments
A new vacuum cleaner salesman knocked on the door on the first house of the street.
A tall lady answered the door.
Before she could speak, the enthusiastic salesman barged into the living room and opened a big black plastic bag and poured all the cow droppings onto the carpet.
“Madam, if I could not clean this up with the use of this new powerful vacuum cleaner, I will EAT all this shit!”, exclaimed the eagersalesman.
“Do you need chilli sauce or catsup with that” asked the lady.
The salesman asked, “Why, madam?”
“We just moved in, there’s no electricity in the house!”
Divorce
Joke of the Day Posted on | July 7, 2009 | No Comments
Bill: It was really bad in divorce court today with me and my wife.
Doug: How’s that?
Bill: Well she cried, and the judge wiped her tears with my checkbook!
Newspaper Ads
Joke of the Day Posted on | July 6, 2009 | No Comments
The following ad appeared in a newspaper.
SBF Seeks Male companionship, ethnicity unimportant. I’m a svelte good looking girl who LOVES to play. I love long walks in the woods. Riding in your pickup truck. Hunting Camping Fishing trips. Cozy winter nights spent lying by the fire. Candlelight dinners will have me eating out of your hand. Rub me the right way and watch me respond. I’ll be at the front door when you get home from work, wearing only what nature gave me. Kiss me and I’m yours. Call 555-XXXX and ask for Daisy.
(The phone number was the Humane Society and Daisy was an eight week old black Labrador Retriever.)
Post Mistress
Joke of the Day Posted on | July 5, 2009 | 1 Comment
Approaching the counter at a local post office, I said to the stern-faced woman on the other side, “Are you the Postmistress?”
“No!” she replied testily. “I’m the Postmaster. Uncle Sam doesn’t pay me enough to be anyone’s mistress.”
Pay Phone
Joke of the Day Posted on | July 4, 2009 | No Comments
Bill was a frequent user of a pay telephone at a popular truck stop, and was greatly inconvenienced when the phone went out of commission.
Repeated requests for repair brought only promises.
After several days, Bill again contacted the phone company and told that there was no longer a rush.
The phone was now working fine… except that all money was being returned upon completion of each call.
A repairman arrived within the hour!
An Eccentric Philosophy Professor
Joke of the Day Posted on | July 3, 2009 | No Comments
An eccentric philosophy professor gave a one question final exam after a semester dealing with a broad array of topics.
The class was already seated and ready to go when the professor picked up his chair, plopped it on his desk and wrote on the board: “Using everything we have learned this semester, prove that this chair does not exist.”
Fingers flew, erasers erased, notebooks were filled in furious fashion. Some students wrote over 30 pages in one hour attempting to refute the existence of the chair. One member of the class however, was up and finished in less than a minute.
Weeks later when the grades were posted, the rest of the group wondered how he could have gotten an A when he had barely written anything at all. His answer consisted of two words: “What chair?”
Keep The Old Motor Running
Joke of the Day Posted on | July 2, 2009 | No Comments
It was the stir of the town when an 80-year-old man married a 20-year-old girl. After a year of marriage she went into the hospital to give birth. The nurse came out to congratulate the fellow saying, “This is amazing. How do you do it at your age?” He answered, “You’ve got to keep that old motor running.” The following year the young bride gave birth again. The same nurse said, “You really are amazing. How do you do it?” He again said “You’ve got to keep the old motor running.”
The same thing happened the next year. The nurse said, “Well, well, well! You certainly are quite a man!” He responded “You’ve got to keep that old motor running.” The nurse then said, “Well, you had better change the oil. This one’s black.”
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