Internet Freak
Joke of the Day Posted on | July 21, 2009 | No Comments
My husband and I are both in an Internet business, but he’s the one who truly lives, eat, and breathes computers.
I finally realized how bad it had gotten when I was scratching his back one day.
“No, not there,” he directed. “Scroll down.”
That’s My Pole
Joke of the Day Posted on | July 20, 2009 | No Comments
While riding the bus, my mother noticed a young man, who was holding onto the same pole, staring at her. Eventually, he said, “Excuse me. This is my stop.”
Since she wasn’t blocking his way, she was confused. “Well,” she said, “go ahead.”
“And this is my pole,” he said.
My mother was completely perplexed until the young man added, “I just bought it at the hardware store to hold up my shower curtain.”
And with that, he picked up his pole and carried it off the bus.
Drunk and Lost
Joke of the Day Posted on | July 19, 2009 | No Comments
A drunk is walking along and smacks into a tree. He backs up a few paces, and walks into the tree again. He does it again. He mumbles, “This is great. I was supposed to be home hours ago, and now here I am lost in the forest.”
Potentially and Reality
Joke of the Day Posted on | July 18, 2009 | 1 Comment
Youngest Son: Tell me Daddy, what is the difference between “potentially and reality”?
Dad : I will show you ,Dad turns to his wife and asks her: Would you sleep with Robert Redford for 1 million dollars? Wife: Yes of course! I would never waste such an opportunity!
Then Dad asks his daughter, if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for 1 million dollars? Daughter: Wow! Yes! This is my fantasy!
So Dad turns to his elder son and asks him: Would you sleep with Tom Cruise for 1 million dollars? Elder Son: Yeah! Why not? Imagine what I could do with 1 million dollars! I would never hesitate!
So the father turns back to his younger son saying: You see son, “potentially” we are sitting on 3 million dollars, but in “reality” we are living with 2 prostitutes and 1 gay!
Clever Robot
Joke of the Day Posted on | July 17, 2009 | No Comments
One day Kyle’s dad brought home a robot. The robot was special in that it could detect a lie and would slap the person who lied on the face.
Kyle returned late from school that day and his dad asked him, ‘Son why are you late from school?’ Kyle answered, ‘Dad, we had extra classes today’. Much to his astonishment the robot jum! ped up and slapped Kyle on his face.
His dad told him, ‘Son this robot is special in that it can detect a lie and will then slap the person who lied. Now come on tell me the truth. Why are you late?’ ‘Dad, I went to a movie’ ‘Which movie?’ ‘The Ten Commandments’ Immediately, Kyle got a slap on the face from the ! robot. ‘Sorry Dad, I went to see the movie Sex Queen’.
‘Shame on you son, when I was your age I never watched obscene movies or misbehaved’ Immediately, the dad gets a tight slap on the face from the robot.
Hearing the last sentence, Kyle’s mother comes walking out of the kitchen and sarcastically says to her husband, ‘After all he is YOUR son!!!’ To which the robot steps up and gives Kyle’s mother a resounding slap on her face!
Sex at age 72
Joke of the Day Posted on | July 16, 2009 | No Comments
Sean Connery was interviewed by Michael Parkinson, and bragged that despite his 72 years of age, he could still have sex three times a night.
Kylie Minogue, who was also a guest, looked intrigued. After the show, Kylie said, “Sean, if I am not being too forward, I’d love to have sex with an older man. Let’s go back to my place.”
So they go back to her place and have great sex. Afterward, Sean says, “If you think that was good, let me sleep for half an hour, and we can have even better sex. But while I’m sleeping, hold my balls in your left hand and my dick in your right hand.”
Kylie looks a bit perplexed, but says, “Okay.” He sleeps for half an hour, awakens, and they have even better sex.
Then Sean says, “Kylie that was wonderful. But if you let me sleep for an hour, we can have the best sex yet. But again, hold my balls in your left hand, and my dick in your right hand.”
Kylie is now used to the routine and complies. The results are mind blowing.
Once it’s all over, and the cigarettes are lit, Kylie asks “Sean, tell me, does my holding your balls in my left hand and your dick in my right stimulate you while you’re sleeping?”
Sean replies, “No, but the last time I slept with a slut from Melbourne, she stole my wallet.”
Be Positive
Joke of the Day Posted on | July 15, 2009 | No Comments
Sardarji: Nurse, I am very eager to know my blood group.
Nurse: B positive
Sardarji: please tell me soon ….
Nurse: B positive
Sardarji: Madam, I am positive, but eager to know the blood my group.
Polite Way To Pee
Joke of the Day Posted on | July 14, 2009 | No Comments
During one of her daily classes a teacher trying to teach good manners, asked her students the following question:
Michael, if you were on a date having dinner with a nice young lady, how would you tell her that you have to go to the bathroom?
Michael said, ‘Just a minute I have to go pee.
The teacher responded by saying, ‘That would be rude and impolite.
What about you Peter, how would you say it?
Peter said, ‘I am sorry, but I really need to go to the bathroom. I’ll be right back.
That’s better, but it’s still not very nice to say the word bathroom at the dinner table.
And you, little Johnny, can you use your brain for once and show Us your good manners?
I would say: ‘Darling, may I please be excused for a moment? I have to shake hands with a very dear friend of mine, whom I hope you’ll get to meet after dinner.
The teacher fainted.
Underage Pregnancy
Joke of the Day Posted on | July 13, 2009 | 1 Comment
A fourteen-year-old girl goes to see her mom and tells her that she has missed her period for two months. Very worried, the mother goes to the drugstore and buys the pregnancy kit and the test result is that the girl is pregnant. Shouting, cursing, crying, who was the pig, I want to know, you now go and tell your father, etc. etc. When finally left alone, the girl picks up the phone and makes a call. Half an hour later a brand new Ferrari stops at their house, a mature and distinguished man, with grey hair and impeccably dressed with a very expensive suit steps out of it and enters the house. He sits in the living room with the father, the mother and the girl, and tells them:
“Good morning, your daughter has informed me of the problem. However, I can’t marry her because of my personal family situation, but I’ll take charge. If a girl is born I can bequeath her 3 stores, 2 condominiums apartments, a beach villa and a US$500,000 bank account. If a boy is born, my legacy will be a couple of factories, apart from the US$ 500,000 If it is twins, a factory and US$ 250,000 each. However, if there is a miscarriage…..”
At this point, the father, who had remained silent all the time, places a hand on the man’s shoulder and tells him:
“You’ll fuck her again!!!”
Prisoners Of War
Joke of the Day Posted on | July 12, 2009 | No Comments
3 prisoners are captured in the war, and are about to be executed.
They are asked what they wish to have for their last meal.
The Italian asks for Peperoni Pizza, which he is served and then taken away.
The Frenchmen requests a Filet Mignon, which he is served and also taken away.
The Jewish man requests a plate of strawberries.
The captors are surprised and reply “STRAWBERRIES?”
“Yes, Strawberries.”
“But they are out of season!”
“I’ll wait…”
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