Banks Credit Cards
Joke of the Day Posted on | June 20, 2009 | No Comments
It’s all about money for Credit Cards when you die…… This is too funny! It takes all kinds to make the world go round. Be sure and cancel your credit cards before you die. This is easy to see happening, customer service being what it is….
My Aunt died this past January. Bank billed her for February and March for their monthly service charge on her credit card, and then added late fees and interest on the monthly charge… the balance had been $0.00… Now it was somewhere around $60.00. I placed the following phone call to Bank:
Me: “I am calling to tell you that she died in January.”
Bank: “The account was never closed and the late fees and charges still apply.”
Me: “Maybe, you should turn it over to collections”
Bank: “Since it is 2 months past due, it already has been.”
Me: “So, what will they do when they find out she is dead?”
Bank: “Either report her account to the frauds division, or report her to the credit bureau maybe both!”
Me: “Do you think God will be mad at her?”
Bank:”…excuse me…?”
Me: “Did you just get what I was telling you… the part about her being dead?”
Bank: “Sir, you’ll have to speak to my supervisor!”
(Supervisor gets on the phone)
Me: “I’m calling to tell you, she died in January.”
Bank: “The account was never closed and the late fees and charges still apply.”
Me: “You mean you want to collect from her estate?”
Bank: “…..(stammer)” “…. Are you her lawyer?”
Me: “No, I’m her great nephew.” (Lawyer info given… )
Bank: “Could you fax us a certificate of death?”
Me: “Sure.”
(Fax number is given)
(After they get the fax.)
Bank: “Our system just isn’t setup for death”
Me: “Oh…”
Bank: “I don’t know what more I can do to help..”
Me: “Well…if you figure it out,great! If not, you could just keep billing her…I suppose… Don’t really think she will care….”
Bank: “Well…the late fees and charges do still apply.”
Me: “Would you like her new billing address?”
Bank: “That might help.”
Me: “Nilai Memorial Park Cemetery (North South Highway and plot number given.)
Bank: “Sir, that’s a cemetery!”
Me: “What do you do with dead people on your planet?”
Reincarnation
Joke of the Day Posted on | June 19, 2009 | No Comments
Bryan came home from the pub late one Friday evening stinking drunk, as he often did, and crept into bed beside his wife who was already asleep.
He gave a peck on the cheek and fell asleep. When he awoke he found a strange man standing at the end of his bed wearing a long flowing white robe. “Who the hell are you?” Demanded Brian, “and what are you doing in my bedroom?”. The mysterious Man answered “This isn’t your bedroom and I’m St Peter”.
Brian was stunned “You mean I’m dead!!! That can’t be, I have so much to live for, I haven’t said goodbye to my family….you’ve got to send me back straight away”.
St Peter replied “Yes you can be reincarnated but there is a catch. We can only send you back as a dog or a hen.” Brian was devastated, but knowing there was a farm not far from his house, he asked to be sent back as a hen.
A flash of light later he was covered in feathers and clucking around pecking the ground. “This ain’t so bad” he thought until he felt this strange feeling welling up inside him.
The farmyard rooster strolled over and said “So you’re the new hen, how are you enjoying your first day here?” “It’s not so bad” replies Brian, “but I have this strange feeling inside like I’m about to explode”. “You’re ovulating” explained the rooster, “don’t tell me you’ve never laid an egg before”.
“Never” replies Brian
“Well just relax and let it happen”
And so he did and after a few uncomfortable seconds later, an egg pops out from under his tail. An immense feeling of relief swept over him and his emotions got the better of him as he experienced motherhood for the first time. When he laid his second egg, the feeling of happiness was overwhelming and he knew that being reincarnated as a hen was the best thing that ever happened to him…ever!!!
The joy kept coming and as he was just about to lay his third egg he felt an enormous smack on the back of his head and heard his wife shouting “Brian, wake up you drunken bas*ard, you’re sh*tting on the bed”
Computer Gender!
Joke of the Day Posted on | June 18, 2009 | No Comments
A French teacher was explaining to her class that, in French – unlike in > English – nouns are designated as either masculine or feminine.
A student asked, “What gender is ‘computer’?” Instead of giving the answer, the teacher split the class into two groups, male and female, and asked them to decide for themselves whether ‘computer’ should be a masculine or a feminine noun. Each group was asked to give four reasons for its recommendation.
The men’s group decided that computers should definitely be of the feminine gender because:
1. No-one but their creator understands their internal logic.
2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensive to everyone else.
3. Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long-term memory for possible later review.
4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your wages on accessories for it.
The women’s group, however, concluded that computers should be masculine > because:
1. In order to do anything with them, you have to turn them on.
2. They have a lot of data but still can’t think for themselves.
3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they ARE the problem.
4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that, if you had waited a little longer, you could have got a better model.
The women won.
Ass Hole
Joke of the Day Posted on | June 17, 2009 | No Comments
The organs of the body were having a meeting, trying to decide who was In charge. Each organ took a turn to speak up:
Brain……… I should be in charge because I run all body functions. Blood…….. I should be in charge because I circulate oxygen for the brain. Stomach… I should be in charge because I process food to the brain. Legs……… I should be in charge because I take the brain where it Wants to go. Eyes……… I should be in charge because I let the brain see where it’s going. Asshole…..I should be in charge because I get rid of your waste.
All the other parts laughed so hard and this made the asshole very mad. To prove his point, the asshole immediately slammed tightly closed and Stayed that way for 6 days, refusing to rid the body of any waste whatsoever.
Day 1 – Brain got a terrible headache and cried out for relief Day 2 – Stomach got bloated and began to ache terribly Day 3 – Legs got cramps and became unstable Day 4 – Eyes became watery and vision became blurred Day 5 – Blood became toxic and poisoned the body Day 6 -The other organs agreed to let the asshole be in charge.
*MORAL OF THE STORY: NO MATTER WHO YOU ARE, OR HOW IMPORTANT YOU THINK YOU ARE, YOU WILL FIND THAT IT IS ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE THAT IS IN CHARGE*
Never Insult
Joke of the Day Posted on | June 16, 2009 | No Comments
An American and a Japanese were sitting on the plane on the way to LA When the American turned to the Japanese and asked, “What kind of -ese are you?”
The Japanese confused, replied, “Sorry but I don’t understand what you mean.”
The American repeated, “What kind of -ese are you?” Again, the Japanese was confused over he question.
The American, now irritated, then yelled, “What kind of -ese are you … Are you a Chinese, Japanese, Vietnamese! etc……???”
The Japanese then replied, “Oh, I am a Japanese.”
A while later the Japanese turned to the American and asked, “What kind of ‘key’ was he”.
The American, frustrated, yelled, “What do you mean what kind of -kee’ am I?”
The Japanese said, “Are you a Yankee, donkee, or monkee?”
3 Wishes
Joke of the Day Posted on | June 15, 2009 | No Comments
A junior manager, a senior manager and their boss are on their way to a meeting. On their way through a park, they come across a magic lamp. They rub the lamp and a ghost appears. The ghost says, “Normally, one is granted three wishes but as you are three, I will allow one wish each”
So the eager senior manager shouted, “I want the first wish. I want to be in the Bahamas, on a fast boat and have no worries.” Pfufffff” and he Was gone.
Now the junior manager could not keep quiet and shouted “I want to be In Florida with beautiful girls, plenty of food and cocktails.” Pfufffff” and he Was also gone.
The boss calmly said, “I want these two idiots back in the office after lunch at 12.35pm.”
Kid’s Humour
Joke of the Day Posted on | June 14, 2009 | No Comments
KID’S HUMOUR
1] Jack (age 3) was watching his Mom breast-feeding his new baby sister.
After a while he asked: “Mom why have you got two? Is one for hot and one for cold milk?”
[2] Melanie (age 5) asked her Granny how old she was. Granny replied she was so old she didn’t remember any more.
Melanie said, “If you don’t remember you must look in the back of your panties. Mine say five to six.”
[3] Steven (age 3) hugged and kissed his Mom goodnight.
“I love you so much, that when you die I’m going to bury you outside my bedroom window.”
[4] Brittany (age 4) had an earache and wanted a painkiller. She tried in vain to take the lid off the bottle. Seeing her frustration, her Mom explained it was a childproof cap and she’d have to open it for her. Eyes wide with wonder, the little girl asked: “How does it know it’s me?
[5] Susan (age 4) was drinking juice when she got the hiccups.
“Please don’t give me this juice again,” she said, “It makes my teeth cough.”
[6] Diane (age 4) stepped onto the bathroom scale and asked: “How much do I cost?”
[7] Marc (age 4) was engrossed in a young couple that were hugging and kissing in a restaurant. Without taking his eyes off them , he asked his dad: “Why is he whispering in her mouth?”
[8] Clinton (age 5) was in his bedroom looking worried. When his Mom asked what was troubling him, he replied, “I don’t know what’ll happen with this bed when I get married. How will my wife fit in?”
[9] James (age 4) was listening to a Bible story. His dad read: “The man named Lot was warned to take his wife and flee
out of the city but his wife looked back and was turned to salt.” Concerned, James asked: “What happened to the flea?”
[10]Tammy (age 4) was with her mother when they met an elderly, rather wrinkled woman her Mom knew. Tammy looked at her for awhile and then asked, “Why doesn’t your skin fit your face?”
[11]The Sermonthis Mom will never forget.On this particular Sunday sermon was “Dear Lord,” the minister began, with arms extended toward heaven and a rapturous look on his upturned face. but dust.”
“Without you, we are He would have continued but at that moment a very obedient daughter (who was listening!) Leaned over to the Mom and asked quite audibly in her shrill little girl voice,
“Mom, what is butt dust?”
First Time
Joke of the Day Posted on | June 13, 2009 | No Comments
A guy has been asking the prettiest girl in town for a date and finally she agrees to go out with him. He takes her to a nice restaurant and buys her a fancy dinner with expensive wine. On the way home, he pulls over to the side of the road in a secluded spot. They start necking and he’s getting pretty excited. He starts to reach under her skirt and she stops him, saying she’s a virgin and wants to stay that way.
“Well, okay,” he says, “how about a blow job?” “Yuck!” she screams. “I’m not putting that thing in my mouth!”
He says, “Well, then, how about a hand job?” “I’ve never done that,” she says. “What do I have to do?”
“Well,” he answers, “remember when you were a kid and you used to shake up a Coke bottle and spray your brother with it?” She nods. “Well, it’s just like that.”
So, he pulls it out and she grabs hold of it and starts shaking it. A few seconds later, his head flops back on the headrest, his eyes close, snot starts to run out of his nose, wax blows out of his ear and he screams out in pain.
“What’s wrong?!” she cries out.
“Take your thumb off the end!!”
Companies Abbreviate Words
Joke of the Day Posted on | June 12, 2009 | No Comments
Newspaper ads can be expensive. As a result, many companies abbreviate words. Thus “Sry” instead of salary etc. However this company cut just one corner too many:
“Wanted: Office Ass.”
Prevention of Hijackings
Joke of the Day Posted on | June 11, 2009 | 1 Comment
Dear Sirs;
I have the solution for the prevention of hijackings, and at the same time getting our airline industry back on its feet. Since men of the Muslim religion are not allowed to look at naked women we should replace all of our female flight attendants with strippers.
Muslims would be afraid to get on the planes for fear of seeing a naked woman, and of course, every businessman in this country would start flying again in hope of seeing a naked woman. We would have no more hijackings, and the airline industry would have record sales.
Now why didn’t Congress think of this?
Sincerely,
Bill Clinton
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