Joke of the Day : Joke Diary

Joke of the Day For Everybody

Headstone

Joke of the Day Posted on | June 30, 2009 | No Comments

After his wife died, the uncle of one of my friends decided to plan ahead and order a grave-site marker for himself. A week or so later, he came home to find a message on his answering machine. It was from a young woman at the company where he’d placed his order.

“I don’t know if it’s good news or bad,” she said, “but your headstone is ready.”

Wrong Sign

Joke of the Day Posted on | June 29, 2009 | 1 Comment

A local priest and pastor stood by the side of the road holding up a sign that said, “The End is Near! Turn yourself around now before it’s too late!”

They planned to hold up the sign to each passing car.

“Leave us alone you religious nuts!” yelled the first driver as he sped by.

From around the curve they heard a big splash. “Do you think,” said one clergy to the other, “we should just put up a sign that says ‘bridge out’ instead?”

Blood Test

Joke of the Day Posted on | June 28, 2009 | No Comments

A guy walks into a clinic to have his blood type taken. The nurse goes about taking the blood sample from his finger after finishing she looks around for a piece of cotton to wipe away the excess blood. she can’t find it so she looks innocently at the guy and takes his finger and sucks it.

The guy is so pleased he asks; “Do you think i could have a urine test done?”

Thumb Infection

Joke of the Day Posted on | June 27, 2009 | No Comments

A man goes into a restaurant and orders soup. When the waiter brings out the bowl he has his thumb stuck in the soup, but the customer decides to let it go.

“Would you like anything else?” the waiter inquires. “We have some very good roast beef today.” “Sounds good,” says the customer. So the waiter goes off and comes back with a plate of roast beef, and his thumb is in the gravy. The customer is getting pissed now, but decides to hold his tongue.

“How about some hot apple pie?” asks the waiter. “Fine,” says the customer. The waiter returns with his thumb stuck in the pie. Now the customer is really getting furious.

“Coffee?” asks the waiter, and when the customer nods yes, he hurries off. He returns with his thumb stuck in the cup of coffee. By now the customer can no longer restrain himself.

“What the hell do you think you’re doing? Every time you’ve come to the table you’ve had your thumb stuck in my food!” “I’ve got an infection and my doctor told me to keep my thumb in a hot, moist place.” “Why don’t you just stick it up your ass?” “Where do you think I put it when I’m in the kitchen?”

Urine Test

Joke of the Day Posted on | June 26, 2009 | 1 Comment

One day, in line at the company cafeteria, Jack says to Mike behind him, “My elbow hurts like hell. I guess I better see a doctor.” “Listen, you don’t have to spend that kind of money,” Mike replies. “There’s a diagnostic computer at the drugstore at the corner. Just give it a urine sample and the computer’ll tell you what’s wrong and what to do about it. It takes ten seconds and costs ten dollars…a hell of a lot cheaper than a doctor.”

So Jack deposits a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to the drugstore. He deposits ten dollars, and the computer lights up and asks for the urine sample. He pours the sample into the slot and waits. Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout: You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy activity. It will improve in two weeks.

That evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Jack began wondering if the computer could be fooled. He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter, and masturbated into the mixture for good measure. Jack hurries back to the drugstore, eager to check the results. He deposits ten dollars, pours in his concoction, and awaits the results.

The computer prints the following:

1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener.
2. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo.
3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab.
4. Your wife is pregnant…twin girls. They aren’t yours. Get a lawyer.
5. If you don’t stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get better.

Dog or Wife

Joke of the Day Posted on | June 25, 2009 | No Comments

If your dog is barking at the back door
and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first ?
The Dog of course ……. at least it will shut up after you let him in!

Best Out of Office Auto Replies

Joke of the Day Posted on | June 24, 2009 | 2 Comments

(try using one of these the next time you are out of office)

1. I am currently out at a job interview and will reply to you if I fail to get the position.
Be prepared for my mood.

2. You are receiving this automatic notification because I am out of the office.
If I was in, chances are you wouldn’t have received anything at all.

3. I will be unable to delete all the unread, worthless emails you send me until I return from holiday on 4 April.
Please be patient and your mail will be deleted in the order It was received.

4. Thank you for your email. Your credit card has been charged £5.99 for the first ten Words and £1.99 for each additional word in your message.

5. The e-mail server is unable to verify your server connection and is unable to deliver this message.
Please restart your computer and try sending again.

6. Thank you for your message, which has been added to a queuing system… You are Currently in 352nd place, and can expect to receive a reply in approximately 13 weeks.

7. I’ve run away to join a different circus.

8. I will be out of the office for the next 2 weeks for medical reasons…
When I return, Please refer to me as ‘ Margaret ‘ instead of ‘Steve’.

9. Due to inappropriate contents in your email, please notice that this email is forwarded to the nearest police station.

10. This message will explode in 5 seconds… Good luck, Mr. Hunt…

11. How many times should I tell you ??? I received your mail already, please stop sending this mail. It is 435 times already !!!

12. Mail server is not responding. The function cause illegal function call at logical memory address bank.
Please restart your computer and try to resend the mail. If the problem persist, please contact your email database administrator.

13. Thank you for sending me an email. Currently I am experiencing high volume email to be answered. Please try to send back later.

14. Wrong address, sorry !

15. This email is rejected due to missing stamps.

Pastor Donkey

Joke of the Day Posted on | June 23, 2009 | No Comments

A pastor entered his donkey in a race and it won. The pastor was so pleased with the donkey that he entered it in the race again, and it won again.

The local newspaper read: PASTOR’S ASS OUT FRONT.

The Bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered the pastor not to enter the donkey in another race.

The next day, the local newspaper headline read: BISHOP SCRATCHES PASTOR’S ASS.

This was too much for the Bishop, so he ordered the pastor to get rid of the donkey. The pastor decided to give it to a nun in a nearby convent.

The local paper, hearing of the news, posted the following headline the next day: NUN HAS BEST ASS IN TOWN.

The Bishop fainted. He informed the nun that she would have to get rid of the donkey, so she sold it to a farmer for $10.

The next day the paper read: NUN SELLS ASS FOR $10.

This was too much for the Bishop, so he ordered the nun to buy back them donkey and lead it to the plains where it could run wild.

The next day the headlines read: NUN ANNOUNCES…HER ASS IS WILD AND FREE.

The Bishop was buried the next day….

The moral of the story is…. Being concerned about public opinion can bring you much grief and misery … and even shorten your life.

So be yourself and enjoy life….. You’ll be a lot happier and live longer!

Japanese

Joke of the Day Posted on | June 22, 2009 | No Comments

Mori and Clinton

This is a true story from the Japanese Embassy in US!!!

A few years ago, Prime Minister Mori was given some basic English conversation training before he visits Washington and meets president Bill Clinton…

The instructor told Mori Prime Minister, when you shake hand with President Clinton, please say ‘how r u’.
Then Mr.Clinton should say, “I am fine, and you?” Now, you should say ‘me too’. Afterward we, translators, will do the work for you.”

It looks quite simple,but the truth is…

When Mori met Clinton, he mistakenly said
“Who r u?” (instead of “How r u?”. )

Mr Clinton was a bit shocked but still managed to react with humor:
“Well, I’m Hillay’s husband, ha-ha…”

Then Mori replied
“me too, ha-ha..”.

Then there was a long silent in the meeting room

Health Questiong & Answer Session

Joke of the Day Posted on | June 21, 2009 | No Comments

HEALTH QUESTION & ANSWER SESSION

Q: I’ve heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life; is this true?
A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that’s it… don’t waste them on exercise. Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer; that’s like saying you can extend the life of your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap.

Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?
A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay and corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable). And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily allowance of vegetable products.

Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?
A: No, not at all. Wine is made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine, that means they take the water out of the fruity bit so you get even more of the goodness that way. Beer is also made out of grain. Bottoms up!

Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?
A: Well, if you have a body and you have fat, your ratio is one to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc.

Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?
A: Can’t think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No Pain…Good!

Q: Aren’t fried foods bad for you?
A: YOU’RE NOT LISTENING!!!… Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil. In fact, they’re permeated in it. How could getting more vegetables be bad for you?

Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?
A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.

Q: Is chocolate bad for me?
A: Are you crazy? HELLO . Cocoa beans! Another vegetable!!! It’s the best feel-good food around!

Q: Is swimming good for your figure?
A: If swimming is good for your figure, explain whales to me.

Q: Is getting in-shape important for my lifestyle?
A: Hey! ‘Round’ is a shape! Well, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets. And remember: “Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways – Chardonnay in one hand – chocolate in the other – body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming Whoo what a ride”.

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