Dear Diary
Joke of the Day Posted on | May 20, 2009 | No Comments
Aug. 12 – Moved to our new home in Canada. I am so excited. It’s so beautiful here. The mountains are so majestic. Can hardly wait to see them with snow covering them.
Oct. 14 – Canada–it is the most beautiful place on earth. The leaves have turned all colors and shades of red and orange. Went for a ride through the beautiful countryside and saw some deer. They are so graceful. Certainly they are the most wonderful animals on earth. This must be paradise. I love it here!
Nov. 11 – Remembrance Day. Deer season starts soon. I can’t imagine anyone wanting to kill such a gorgeous creature. Hope it snows soon. I love it here!
Dec. 2 – It snowed last night. Woke up to find everything blanketed with white. It looks like a postcard. We went outside and cleaned the snow off the steps and shoveled the driveway. We had a snowball fight (I won). When the snow plough came by we had to shovel the driveway again. What a beautiful place. I love Canada!
Dec. 12 – More snow last night. The snow plough did his trick again to the driveway. I love it here.
Dec. 19 – More snow last night. Couldn’t get out of the driveway to get to work. It’s beautiful here but I’m exhausted from shoveling. Fucking snow plough.
Dec. 22 – More of that white shit fell last night. I’ve got blisters on my hands and a sore back from shoveling. I think the snow plough hides around the corner until I’m done shoveling the driveway. Asshole.
Dec. 25 – Merry Fucking Christmas! More frigging snow. If I ever get my hands on the sonovabitch who drives the snow plough, I swear I’ll kill the bastard. Don’t know why they don’t use more salt on the roads to melt the fucking ice.
Dec. 27 – More white shit last night. Been inside for three days now except for shoveling out the driveway after that snow plough goes through every time. Can’t go anywhere, the car’s stuck in a mountain of white shit and it’s so frigging cold. The weatherman says to expect another 10 inches of the shit again tonight. Do you know how many shovels full of snow 10 inches is?
Dec. 28 – That fucking weatherman was wrong. We got 34 inches of the shit this time. At this rate it won’t melt before summer. The snow plough got stuck up in the road and that bastard came to my door and asked to borrow my shovel. After I told him that I had already broken six shovels shoveling out all the shit he had pushed into my driveway, I damn near broke my last one over his fucking head.
Jan. 4 – Finally got out of the house today. Went to the store to get food and on my way back a damned deer ran in front of the car. Did about $3,000 damage to the car. Those fucking beasts should be killed. The bastards are everywhere. Wish the hunters had exterminated them all last November.
May 3 – Took the car to the garage in town. Would you believe the thing is rusted out from all that fucking salt they put all over the roads.
May 10 – Moved to Florida. I can’t imagine why anyone in their right mind would ever want to live in such a God forsaken place as Canada!
Still up in bed
Joke of the Day Posted on | May 19, 2009 | No Comments
A little boy came down for breakfast one morning and asked his grandma, “Where’s Mom and dad?” and she replied, “they’re up in bed.”
The little boy started to giggle and ate his breakfast and went out to play. Then he came back in for lunch and asked his grandma “where’s Mom and Dad?” and she replied “they’re still up in bed.”
Again the little boy started to giggle and he ate his lunch and went out to play. Then the little boy came in for dinner and once again he asked his grandma “where’s Mom and dad?” and his grandmother replied “they’re still up in bed.”
The little boy started to laugh and his grandmother asked, “what gives? Every time I tell you they’re still up in bed you start to laugh! what is going on here?” The little boy replied, “well last night daddy came into my bedroom and asked me for the Vaseline and I gave him super glue.”
Four Fingers
Joke of the Day Posted on | May 18, 2009 | No Comments
Sean and Jason were in a bar, and they went into the toilet to take a leak.
While standing at the urinal Sean confessed, “I wish I had a dick like my cousin James. He needs four fingers to hold his.”
Jason looked over and pointed out, “But you’re holding yours with four fingers.”
“I know,” said Sean, “but I’m peeing on three of them.”
Interesting Email Addresses
Joke of the Day Posted on | May 17, 2009 | 1 Comment
Many colleges and businesses tend to strip the last name down to 6 characters and add the first and last initial to either the beginning or end to make up an e-mail address. For example, Mary L. Ferguson = mlfergus or fergusml. They are just now beginning to realize the problems that may happen when you have a large and diverse pool of people to choose from. Add to that a large database of company/college acronyms and you have some very funny addresses. Probably not funny to the individual involved, however:
TOP TEN Actual E-mail Addresses
10. Helen Thomas Eatons (Duke University) – eatonsht @ dku.edu
9. Mary Ellen Dickinson (Indiana University of Pennsylvania) – dickinme @ iup.edu
8. Francis Kevin Kissinger (Las Verdes University) – kissinfk @ lvu.edu
7. Amanda Sue Pickering (Purdue University) – aspicker @ pu.edu
6. Ida Beatrice Ballinger (Ball State University) – ibballin @ bsu.edu
5. Bradley Thomas Kissering (Brady Electrical, Northern Division, Overton Canada) – btkisser @ bendover.com
4. Isabelle Haydon Adcock (Toys “R” Us) – ihadcock @ tru.com
3. Martha Elizibeth Cummins (Fresno University) – cumminme @ fu.edu
2. George David Blowmer (Drop Front Drawers & Cabinets Inc.) – blowmegd @ dropdrawers.com
…but at No 1, it had to be…
1. Barbara Joan Beeranger (Myplace Home Decorating) – beeranbj @ myplace.com
Sore Throat
Joke of the Day Posted on | May 16, 2009 | 1 Comment
A blonde is suffering from a sore throat so she goes to see the doctor.
She explains the problem to the doctor who asks her to sit down.
He gets out his light and says, “Open wide”.
“I can’t,” replies the blonde, “the chair’s fitted with arms.”
About Two Hours
Joke of the Day Posted on | May 15, 2009 | No Comments
A drunken Irishman gets on a train and asks the conductor how long the trip is between Limerick to Cork.
“About two hours,” says the conductor.
“Okay,” says the drunkard, “then how long is the trip between Cork to Limerick?”
The irate conductor says to the drunk “It’s still about two hours, laddie. Why’d ya think there’d be a difference?”
“Well,” says the drunk, “it’s only a week between Christmas and New Year’s, but it’s a helluva long time between New Year’s and Christmas!”
Lawyer’s Salary
Joke of the Day Posted on | May 14, 2009 | No Comments
A pipe burst in a lawyer’s house, so he called a plumber.
The plumber arrived, unpacked his tools, did mysterious plumber-type things for a while, and handed the lawyer a bill for $600.
The lawyer exclaimed, “This is ridiculous! I don’t even make that much as a lawyer!”
The plumber replied sympathetically, “Neither did I when I was a lawyer.”
World War II
Joke of the Day Posted on | May 13, 2009 | No Comments
During World War II, an American warship was attacked by the Japanese. A torpedo was heading towards the ship and a hit seemed inevitable. The captain told the navigator to go down to the crew quarters and tell a joke or something, at least they would die laughing.
The navigator went down and said to the crew, “What would you think if I could split the whole ship in two by hitting my penis against the table?”
The crew burst out laughing. So, the navigator pulled his penis out and whammed it on the table. Just when his penis hit the table, a huge explosion tore the ship apart. The only survivors were the captain and the navigator.
As they floated around in a lifeboat, the captain asked the navigator, “Well, the crew really laughed. What did you do?”
The navigator then told him the story. The captain replied, “Well, you better be careful with that penis of yours. The torpedo missed!”
Better Then Sex Cake
Joke of the Day Posted on | May 12, 2009 | No Comments
My husband and I were invited to a party, and each couple brought a dish. When it came time to serve dessert, the person who prepared it said the recipe was called “Better Than Sex Cake.”
After my husband tasted it, he blurted out, “I sure feel sorry for the person who named this dessert.”
Modest Income
Joke of the Day Posted on | May 11, 2009 | No Comments
“Darling,” said the young man to his new bride. “Now that we are married, do you think you will be able to live on my modest income?”
“Of course, dearest, no trouble,” she answered. “But what will you live on?”
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