Joke of the Day : Joke Diary

Joke of the Day For Everybody

Solar Eclipse

Joke of the Day Posted on | May 30, 2009 | No Comments

A few years ago, as a solar eclipse approached, some planetarium directors in Southern California sent out warnings to the community about the eclipse. They warned people not to look directly into the sun.

The planetarium received an indignant letter from a local resident. She said that if an eclipse was so dangerous, they never should have decided to hold one and ought to cancel it.

Husband Doing Laundry

Joke of the Day Posted on | May 29, 2009 | No Comments

One day my housework-challenged husband decided to wash his sweatshirt. Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted to me, “What setting do I use on the washing machine?”

“It depends,” I replied. “What does it say on your shirt?”

He yelled back, “Just do it!!

A Bachelor

Joke of the Day Posted on | May 28, 2009 | No Comments

For months he had been her devoted admirer. Now, at long last, he had collected up sufficient courage to ask her the most momentous of all questions: “There are quite a lot of advantages to being a bachelor,” he began, “but there comes a time when one longs for the companionship of another being- a being who will regard one as perfect, as an idol; whom one can treat as one’s absolute own; whowill be kind and faithful when times are hard; who will share one’s joys and sorrows.”

To his delight he saw a sympathetic gleam in her eyes. Then she nodded in agreement. Finally, she responded, “I think its a great idea! Can I help you choose which puppy to buy?”

An athletic young man

Joke of the Day Posted on | May 27, 2009 | No Comments

An athletic young man, who always kept his baseball cap on, was heading for the steam room at a local fitness club when he chanced to see someone walking out with his clothes.

With only his hat for cover, he took off after the thief. As he hastened out the door of the locker room, he bumped into two girls who looked at him and burst into laughter.

“If you were ladies,” he said testily, “you wouldn’t laugh at a man in my circumstances.”

“And if you were a gentleman,” said one, “you’d raise your hat.”

Mines Detector

Joke of the Day Posted on | May 26, 2009 | 1 Comment

News reported today that the Taliban are using sheep to detect mines. They send them into a field and if they’re blown up, they have dinner.

If they make it through alive, they have a date.

Works perfectly.

Emergency Systems Test

Joke of the Day Posted on | May 25, 2009 | No Comments

A troop of Boy Scouts was being used as “guinea pigs” in a test of emergency systems. A mock earthquake was staged, and the Scouts impersonated wounded persons who were to be picked up and cared for by the emergency units.One Scout was supposed to lie on the ground and await his rescuers, but the first-aid people got behind schedule, and the Scout lay “wounded” for several hours.

When the first-aid squad arrived where the casualty was supposed to be, they found nothing but a brief note: “Have bled to death and gone home.”

Posh Department Store

Joke of the Day Posted on | May 24, 2009 | No Comments

On a visit to Chicago, I was eager to visit a posh department store about a dozen blocks from our hotel. My husband obligingly hailed a cab. “The lady wants to go to Neiman Marcus,” he told the driver.

The cabby looked over his shoulder at us. “And the gentleman?” he asked. “Does he want to go to the bank?” (RD)

Wife with three qualities

Joke of the Day Posted on | May 23, 2009 | No Comments

When a bachelor marries, his wife has three qualities – she is an economist in the kitchen, an aristocrat in the living room and a devil in the bedroom.

After a few years, sure enough the three qualities remain, but not in the same order – she is an aristocrat in the kitchen, a devil in the living room and an economist in bed.

BIG-GAME HUNTER

Joke of the Day Posted on | May 22, 2009 | No Comments

The big-game hunter walked into the bar and bragged to everyone about his skills as a hunter. The man was undoubtedly a good shot and no one could dispute that. But then he said that he could recognize any animal’s skin by feeling it, and he could tell what caliber rifle was used to shoot it by locating the bullet hole.

This was a bit too much for the other customers, and soon a heated argument started. The hunter said that he was willing to prove it if they would put up the drinks, and the bet was on. They blindfolded him and took him to his first animal skin. After feeling it for a few moments, he announced, “Springbok.” Then he felt for the bullet hole and declared, “And it was shot with a .22 rifle.”

He was right! The others could not believe it and the argument was even hotter than before. When someone suggested that he must have peeped, he said that he was prepared to do it again for another round. So they blindfolded him again, very thoroughly this time, and they brought a skin that someone happened to have in the trunk of his car.

He took a bit longer this time and then said, “Kalahari Lion.” Fingering the bullet hole, he added, “The rifle was a .308.”

He was right again! This only made the crowd more curious, and he had to prove his skills over and over again, every time winning a round of drinks. Finally he staggered home, bombed out of his mind, and went to sleep. The next morning he got up and saw in the mirror that he had one hell of a shiner. So he said to his wife, “Listen, I know I was drunk last night, but not too drunk to know that I didn’t get into a fight. So where did I get this black eye?”

His wife replied angrily, “From me!”

“What did I do?” he asked.

She replied, “You got into bed and put your hand inside my panties. Then you fiddled around a bit and announced, ‘Skunk, killed with an ax!’ “

Wedding Night

Joke of the Day Posted on | May 21, 2009 | 1 Comment

John and Mary had been high school sweethearts, but they had never had sex.

“We’ll have to wait until we are married,” she told him.

So he waits.

They are engaged three years, and finally the big day rolls around. On their wedding night, Mary comes out of the bathroom, and says “I have some bad news. I have my period, and I don’t want our first time to be all bloody!”

John says, “You’re kidding!”

Mary says, “We’ll just have to wait a bit longer.”

Mary goes to sleep, and wakes up at 3:00 am to get a drink. On her way back to bed, she notices Johnny wide awake staring at the ceiling.

“There’s no use John,” she said “You might as well go to sleep.”

“I would, except my dick’s so hard there’s not enough skin left to close my eyes!”

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