Midnight calls
Joke of the Day Posted on | April 10, 2009 | No Comments
Bernard, who is noted for his gracious manners, was awakened one morning at four forty four a.m. by his ringing telephone. . .
“Your dog’s barking, and it’s keeping me awake,” said an angry voice.
Bernard thanked the caller and politely asked his name and number before hanging up.
The next morning at precisely four forty four a.m., Bernard called his neighbor back . . .
“Good morning, Mr. Williams…. Just called to say that I don’t *have* a dog.”
Bikini or All-in-One
Joke of the Day Posted on | April 9, 2009 | No Comments
While shopping for vacation clothes, my husband and I passed a display of bathing suits.
It had been at least ten years and twenty pounds since.
I had even considered buying a bathing suit, so I sought my husband’s advice. “What do you think?” I asked. “Should I get a bikini or an all-in-one?”
“Better get a bikini,” he replied. “You’d never get it all in one.”
Limit to One Drink
Joke of the Day Posted on | April 8, 2009 | No Comments
When asked by their host if she would like another drink, the attractive blonde bowed her head slightly and said, “No thank you. My husband limits me to one drink.”
“Why is that,” the host asked?
Her reply… “Because after one drink I can feel it; after two drinks …anyone can!”
There’s a man for every woman and a woman for every man
Joke of the Day Posted on | April 7, 2009 | No Comments
Diane was getting real discouraged over the lack of finding a steady man in her life. In an attempt to lift her spirits, her friend Karen said, “There’s a man for every woman and a woman for every man. You can’t change that.”
Diane replied, “I don’t want to change it! I just wanna get in on it.”
Criticized vs Circumcised
Joke of the Day Posted on | April 6, 2009 | No Comments
A man’s four-year old son came home from Sunday school. When he asked him what he’d learned that day, the boy was quiet for a minute and then said, “Dad, have any of the men in our family had their penises criticized?”
The father laughed and told him the term was ‘circumcised’, but the answer was still yes.
Funeral
Joke of the Day Posted on | April 5, 2009 | No Comments
Two blondes stopped in their car to let a funeral pass by.
“Who died?” the first blonde asked.
“I think it was the person in the casket.” replied the second blonde.
Lotto Ticket
Joke of the Day Posted on | April 4, 2009 | No Comments
A guy comes home after losing a lot of money, playing golf.
A few minutes later his wife comes home from work with a new fur coat.
Her husband says “Hey how did you get this?” She says that her boss won the lotto and this is her share. This happens a few times, first the coat and then a car and then jewelry etc. One night the wife gets home really tired out and asks her husband to run her bath, which he then does. But only fills it up an inch.
She gets in and says to him “Why did you put in so little water?”
“Well, WE DON’T WANT YOUR LOTTO TICKET GETTING WET NOW DO WE?!”
Honeymooners
Joke of the Day Posted on | April 3, 2009 | No Comments
A salesman was given a hotel room next to one occupied by honeymooners. The walls were thin, and the sounds of sustained sexual frenzy poured through. Finally the salesman could stand it no longer. He pounded on the walls, yelling, “Knock it off — there’s other people trying to get some sleep!”
From the other room came a weak, faltering male voice which said, “Yell louder, mister, she can’t hear you!”
A preacher of the old school
Joke of the Day Posted on | April 2, 2009 | No Comments
A preacher of the old school was describing the events of Judgment Day and, of course, he used Biblical phraseology whenever he could.
“Oh, my friends,” he intoned, “imagine the suffering of the sinners as they find themselves cast into the outer darkness, removed from the presence of the Lord and given to eternal flames. My friends, at such a time there will be weeping, wailing and a great gnashing of teeth!”
At this point, one of the elders of the congregation interrupted to say, “But Reverend, what if one of those hopeless sinners has no teeth?”
The preacher crashed his fist on the pulpit, “My friends, the Lord is not put out by details. Rest assured…teeth will be provided!”
Afghanistan and USA
Joke of the Day Posted on | April 1, 2009 | No Comments
When watching the news reports out of Afghanistan, I have trouble remembering the time difference between the U.S. and Afghanistan. Is it eight and a half hours earlier or eight and a half centuries?
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