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Joke of the Day For Everybody

Accident

Joke of the Day Posted on | April 30, 2009 | No Comments

One day I dashed to the elevator swinging my arms. As I entered, I swung my hand around and accidentally cupped a male co-worker’s crotch. “Next time,” he said, “why don’t you take me out for dinner and a movie first?”

Movers

Joke of the Day Posted on | April 29, 2009 | No Comments

Having moved 15 times during our 37-year marriage, my husband and I appreciate movers who take the time to label carefully boxes they pack for us.

The accuracy of labels can make a huge difference when we try to find something right away.

My favorite was done by one guy who attached this sticker to a box – obviously not knowing how to spell the best one word description: “Animals you hit with a stick at a Mexican party.”

Clever Physician

Joke of the Day Posted on | April 28, 2009 | No Comments

A young woman wasn’t feeling well, and asked one her co-workers to recommend a physician. “I know a great one in the city, but he is very expensive. Five hundred dollars for the first visit, and one hundred dollars for each one after that.”

The woman went to the doctor’s office and, trying to save a little money, cheerily announced. “I’m back!”

Not fooled for a second, the doctor quickly examined her and said, “Very good, just continue the treatment I prescribed on your last visit.”

Love and Sex

Joke of the Day Posted on | April 27, 2009 | No Comments

At the retreat, a couple was told to individually write a sentence using the words ‘sex’ and ‘love.’

The woman wrote: ‘When two mature people are passionately and deeply in love with one another to a high degree and that they respect each other very much, just like Sam and I, it is spiritually and morally acceptable for them to engage in the act physical sex with one another.’

And Sam wrote: ‘I love sex.’

Good Night Kiss

Joke of the Day Posted on | April 26, 2009 | No Comments

All Bill asked for was a little good-night kiss, but Anne haughtily rebuffed him with, “I don’t do that sort of thing on my first date!”

“Well,” Bill replied with sarcasm, “how about on your last date?”

Fasten Seat Belts

Joke of the Day Posted on | April 25, 2009 | No Comments

Flying to Los Angeles from San Francisco the other day, a passenger noticed that the “Fasten Seat Belts” sign was kept lit during the whole journey although the flight was a particularly smooth one.

Just before landing, he asked the stewardess about it.

“Well,” she explained, “up front there are 17 University of California girls going to Los Angeles for the weekend.

In back, there are 25 Coast Guard enlistees.

“What would you do?”

A Robust-looking Gentleman

Joke of the Day Posted on | April 24, 2009 | No Comments

A robust-looking gentleman ate a fine meal at an expensive restaurant and topped it off with some Napoleon brandy, then he summoned the headwaiter. “Do you recall,” he asked pleasantly, “how a year ago, I ate just such a repast here and then, because I couldn’t pay for it, you had me thrown into the gutter like a common bum?”

“I’m very sorry sir.” began the contrite headwaiter.

“Oh, it’s quite all right.” said the guest, “but I’m afraid I’ll have to trouble you again…”

Young Widow

Joke of the Day Posted on | April 23, 2009 | No Comments

The young widow was kneeling at her husband’s grave tending to the weeds, when she felt the grass rustle beneath her skirt.

She smiled and said “Easy sweetheart, you’re dead now ya know.”

Under Oath

Joke of the Day Posted on | April 22, 2009 | No Comments

“You seem to have more than the average share of intelligence for a man of your background,” sneered the lawyer at a witness on the stand.

“If I wasn’t under oath, I’d return the compliment,” replied the witness.

My Confidence

Joke of the Day Posted on | April 21, 2009 | No Comments

A burglar, needing money to pay his income taxes, decided to rob the safe in a store. On the safe door he was very pleased to find a note reading:
“Please don’t use dynamite. The safe is not locked. Just turn the knob.”

He did so.

Instantly a heavy sandbag fell on him, the entire premises were floodlighted, and alarms started clanging.

As the police carried him out on a stretcher, he was heard moaning: “My confidence in human nature has been rudely shaken.”

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