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Good Father

Joke of the Day Posted on | February 18, 2009 | No Comments

A father, who worked away from home all week, always made a special effort with his family at the weekends. Every Sunday morning he would take his daughter out for a drive in the car.

One particular Sunday however, he had a bad cold that he really didn’t feel like driving at all. Luckily, his wife came to the rescue and decided that for this week she would take their daughter out.

They returned just before lunch and the little girl ran upstairs to see her father. “Well” the father asked, “did you enjoy your ride with mommy?”

“Oh yes Daddy” the girl replied, “and do you know what… we didn’t see a single bastard!”

Parkinson’s

Joke of the Day Posted on | February 17, 2009 | 4 Comments

Howard is 95 and lives in a senior citizen home. Every night after dinner, Howard goes to a secluded garden behind the center to sit and ponder his accomplishments and long life.

One evening, Mildred, age 87, wanders into the garden. They begin to chat, and before they know it, several hours have passed.

After a short lull in their conversation, Howard turns to Mildred and asks, “Do you know what I miss most of all?”

She asks, “What?” and he replies

“SEX!!!”

Mildred exclaims, “Why you old fart, you couldn’t get it up if I held a gun to your head!”

“I know,” Howard says, “but it would be nice if a woman just held it for a while.”

“Well, I can oblige”, says Mildred, who gently unzips his trousers, removes his manhood and proceeds to hold it.

Afterward, they agree to meet secretly each night in the garden where they would sit and talk and Mildred would hold Howard’s manhood.

Then, one night, Howard didn’t show up at their usual meeting place. Alarmed, Mildred decided to find Howard and make sure that he was O.K.

She walked around the senior citizen home where she found him sitting by the pool with another female resident, Ethel, who s
holding Howard’s manhood!

Furious, Mildred yelled, “You two-timing creep! What does Ethel have that I don’t have?!?”

Howard smiled happily and replied, “Parkinson’s!”

Little Johnny’s Pappa

Joke of the Day Posted on | February 16, 2009 | No Comments

Little Johnny was talking to a couple of boys in the schoolyard. Each was bragging about how great their fathers are.

The first one said: “Well, my father runs the fastest. He can fire an arrow, and start to run, I tell you, he gets there before the arrow!”

The second one said: “Ha! You think that’s fast! My father is a hunter. He can shoot his gun and be there before the bullet!”

Little Johnny listened to the other two boys and shook his head. He then said: “Sorry, dudes… but MY DAD is the fastest. He’s a civil servant. He stops working at 4:30,… and he’s home by 3:45!”

Three Guys in Heaven

Joke of the Day Posted on | February 15, 2009 | No Comments

Three guys died and when St. Peter met them at the pearly gates, he said, “I know that you guys are forgiven because you’re here. Before I let you into Heaven, I have to ask you something. You have to have a car in Heaven because Heaven is so big. What kind of car you get will depend on your answer.”

The first guy walked up and St. Peter asked him, “How long were you married?” He answered, “24 years.” “Did you ever cheat on your wife?”, St. Peter asked. The guy said, “Yeah, 7 times … but you said I was forgiven.” St. Peter said, “Yeah, but that’s not too good. Here’s a Pinto to drive.”

The second guy walked up and got the same question from St. Peter. He answered, “I was married for 41 years and cheated on her once, but that was our first year and we really worked it out.” St. Peter said, “I’m pleased to hear that. Here’s a Lincoln.”

The third guy walked up and said, “St. Peter, I know what you’re going to ask. I was married for 63 years and didn’t even look at another woman! I treated my wife like a queen!” St. Peter said, “That’s what I like to hear. Here’s a Jaguar!”

A few days later, the two guys with the Lincoln and the Pinto saw the guy with the Jaguar, crying on the golden sidewalk. When they asked him what was wrong, he said, “I just saw my wife. She was on a skateboard!”

George Falls in Love

Joke of the Day Posted on | February 14, 2009 | No Comments

One Sunday morning George burst into the living room and said, “Dad! Mom! I have some great news for you! I am getting married to the most beautiful girl in town. She lives a block away and her name is Susan. After dinner, George’s dad took him aside, “Son, I have to talk with you. Look at your mother, George. She and I have been married 30 years, she’s a wonderful wife and mother, but, she has never offered much excitement in the bedroom, so I used to fool around with women a lot.”

“Susan is actually your half sister, and I’m afraid you can’t marry her.” George was brokenhearted.

After eight months he eventually started dating girls again. A year later he came home and very proudly announced, “Diane said yes! We’re getting married in June.” Again his father insisted on another private conversation and broke the sad news. “Diane is your half sister too, George.

“I’m awfully sorry about this.” George was livid! He finally decided to go to his mother with the news his father had shared.

“Dad has done so much harm. I guess I’m never going to get married,” he complained. “Every time I fall in love, Dad tells me the girl is my half sister.”

“Hee hee,” his mother chuckled, shaking her head, “Don’t pay any attention to what he says. He’s not really your father.”

Breakfast Order

Joke of the Day Posted on | February 13, 2009 | No Comments

A resident in a seaside hotel breakfast room called over the head waiter one morning.

“I want two boiled eggs, one of them so undercooked it’s runny, and the other so over cooked, it’s tough and hard to eat. Also, grilled bacon that has been left on the plate to get cold; burnt toast that crumbles away as soon as you touch it with a knife; butter straight from the deep freeze, so that it’s impossible to spread; and a pot of very weak coffee, lukewarm.”

“That’s a complicated order, sir,” said the bewildered waiter. “It might be quite difficult.”

The guest replied, “Oh, but that’s what you gave me yesterday!”

The Blind Man

Joke of the Day Posted on | February 12, 2009 | No Comments

A woman is taking a bath (naked, of course) when suddenly she hears a knock at the door.

“Can I come in?” a male voice asks.

“Who is it?” the woman asks.

“It is the blind man” says the voice on the other side of the door.

The woman gets out of the bath and after some consideration, opens the door, thinking, “Well, he’s blind anyway”.

The man comes in the bathroom, takes a good look at the woman and says, “Great tits! Now where would you like the blinds?”

Revenge!

Joke of the Day Posted on | February 11, 2009 | No Comments

A very shy guy goes into a bar and sees a beautiful woman sitting at the bar. After an hour of gathering up his courage he finally goes over to her and asks, tentatively, “Um, would you mind if I chatted with you for a while?”
She responds by yelling, at the top of her lungs, “No, I won’t sleep with you tonight!” Everyone in the bar is now staring at them. Naturally, the guy is hopelessly and completely embarrassed and he slinks back to his table.
After a few minutes, the woman walks over to him and apologizes. She smiles at him and says, “I’m sorry if I embarrassed you. You see, I’m a graduate student in psychology and I’m studying how people respond to embarrassing situations.”
To which he responds, at the top of his lungs, “What do you mean $200?”

Let the Other do the Hard Work

Joke of the Day Posted on | February 10, 2009 | No Comments

Two men went bear hunting. While one stayed in the cabin, the other went out looking for a bear. He soon found a huge bear, shot at it but only wounded it. The enraged bear charged toward him, he dropped his rifle and started running for the cabin as fast as he could.

He ran pretty fast but the bear was just a little faster and gained on him with every step. Just as he reached the open cabin door, he tripped and fell flat. Too close behind to stop, the bear tripped over him and went rolling into the cabin.

The man jumped up, closed the cabin door and yelled to his friend inside, “You skin this one while I go and get another one!”

The Rest of Your Life

Joke of the Day Posted on | February 9, 2009 | No Comments

The skydiving instructor was going through the question and answer period with his new students when one of them asked the usual question always asked, “If our chute doesn’t open; and the reserve doesn’t open, how long do we have until we hit the ground?”

The jump instructor answered, “The rest of your life.”

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