Affair
Joke of the Day Posted on | January 11, 2009 | No Comments
Within two weeks of moving into a new house, the homeowner had to call an electrician, a roofer, a plasterer and a carpenter.
One afternoon he returned from work early and saw a plumber’s truck in the driveway. “Lord,” he pleaded, looking skyward, “please let my wife be having an affair.”
All-night Duty Officer
Joke of the Day Posted on | January 10, 2009 | No Comments
A police officer, though scheduled for all-night duty at the station, was relieved of duty early and arrived home four hours ahead of schedule, at 2 AM.
Not wanting to wake his wife, he undressed in the dark, crept into the bedroom and started to climb into bed. She sleepily sat up and said, “Mike, dearest, would you go down to the all-night drug store on the next block and get me some aspirin? I’ve got a splitting headache.”
“Certainly, honey,” he said, and feeling his way across the room, he got dressed and walked over to the drug store.
As he arrived, the pharmacist looked up in surprise, “Say,” said the druggist, “aren’t you Officer Fenwick of the 8th District?”
“Yes, I am,” said the officer.
“Well, then, what in the world are you doing in the Fire Chief’s uniform?!”
A Natural Process
Joke of the Day Posted on | January 9, 2009 | No Comments
A man enters a barbershop for a shave. While the barber is foaming him up, he mentions the problems he has getting a close shave around the cheeks.
“I have just the thing,” says the barber, taking a small wooden ball from a nearby drawer. “Just place this between your cheek and gum.”
The client places the ball in his mouth and the barber proceeds with the closest shave the man has ever experienced. After a few strokes the client asks in garbled speech, “And what if I swallow it?”
“No problem,” says the barber. “Just bring it back tomorrow like everyone else does.”
Double Murder
Joke of the Day Posted on | January 8, 2009 | No Comments
Two deputies in the Sheriff’s Office, one who had been in town for ten years and the other who had just transferred, answered an emergency call. When they walked into the house, they found the nude bodies of a man and a woman in the bedroom. They had been shot to death. When they went to the living room, they found the body of a man with a gun at his side.
“No doubt about it,” the new deputy said, “This was a double murder and suicide. This guy came home and found his wife in bed with somebody else and shot them both. Then he shot himself.”
“You’re right,” the experienced deputy replied. “But I’ll bet you when the sheriff gets here he’s going to say, ‘it could have been worse’.”
“No way. You’re on.”
The old sheriff arrived at the scene. “No doubt about it,” the sheriff said, shaking his head. “It was a double murder and suicide.” After hesitating for a moment, the old sheriff looked his deputies in the eyes.
“But, you know,” he said, “it could have been worse.”
The deputy who had lost the bet jumped up and shouted, “Sheriff, how could it have been worse? There are three people in this house, and all three of them are dead. It couldn’t have been worse.”
“Yes, it could,” the sheriff retorted. “You see that guy there on the floor? If he had come home yesterday, that would be me!”
Lets Get Technical
Joke of the Day Posted on | January 7, 2009 | No Comments
In 2031, President Clinton finishes his time on earth and approaches the Pearly Gates of Heaven…
“And who might you be?” inquires St. Peter. “It’s me, Bill Clinton, formerly the President of the United States and Leader of the Free World.”
“Oh…Mr……. President! What may I do for you?” asks St. Peter. “I’d like to come in,” replies Clinton.
“Sure,” says the Saint. “But first, you have to confess your sins. What bad things have you done in your life?”
Clinton bites his lip and answers, “Well, I tried marijuana, but you can’t call it ‘dope-smoking’ because I didn’t inhale. There were inappropriate extramarital relationships, but you can’t call it ‘adultery’ because I didn’t have full ‘sexual relations.’ And I made some statements that were misleading, but legally accurate, but you can’t call it ‘bearing false witness’ because, as far as I know, it didn’t meet the legal standard of perjury.”
With that, St. Peter consults the Book of Life briefly, and declares, “OK, here’s the deal. We’ll send you somewhere hot, but we won’t call it ‘Hell.’ You’ll be there indefinitely, but we won’t call it ‘eternity.’ And when you enter, you don’t have to abandon all hope, just hold your breath waiting for it to freeze over.”
Insurance Policy
Joke of the Day Posted on | January 6, 2009 | No Comments
Bill’s barn burned down, and his wife Polly called the insurance company.
Polly told the insurance company, “We had that barn insured for fifty thousand, and I want my money.”
The agent replied, “Hold on just a minute, Polly. Insurance doesn’t work quite like that. We will ascertain the value of what was insured and provide you with a new barn of comparable worth.”
There was a long pause before Polly replied, “Then I’d like to cancel the policy on my husband.”
The Bartender
Joke of the Day Posted on | January 5, 2009 | No Comments
A man walked into a bar and ordered a glass of white wine. He took a sip of the wine, then tossed the remainder in the bartender’s face.
Before the bartender could recover from the surprise, the man began weeping. “I’m really sorry. I keep doing that to bartenders. I can’t tell you how embarrassing it is to have a compulsion like this.”
Far from being angry, the bartender was sympathetic. Before long, he was suggesting that the man see a psychoanalyst about his problem.
“I happen to have the name of a psychoanalyst,” the bartender said. “My brother and my wife have both been treated by him, and they say he’s as good as they come.” The man wrote down the name of the doctor, thanked the bartender, and left. The bartender smiled, knowing he’d done a good deed for a fellow human being.
Six months later, the man was back. “Did you do what I suggested?” the bartender asked, serving the glass of white wine.
“I certainly did,” the man said. “I’ve been seeing the psychoanalyst twice a week.” He took a sip of the wine. Then he threw the remainder into the bartender’s face.
The flustered bartender wiped his face with a towel. “The doctor doesn’t seem to be doing you any good,” he spluttered.
“On the contrary,” the man said,” he’s done me a world of good.”
“But you just threw the wine in my face again!” the bartender exclaimed.
“Yes” the man said. “But it doesn’t embarrass me anymore!”
Arm Of The Law
Joke of the Day Posted on | January 4, 2009 | No Comments
An investment counselor decided to go out on her own. She was shrewd and diligent, so business kept coming in, and pretty soon she realized that she needed an in-house counsel. She began to interview young lawyers.
“As I’m sure you can understand,” she started off with one of the first applicants, “in a business like this, our personal integrity must be beyond question.” She leaned forward. “Mr. Peterson, are you an honest lawyer?”
“Honest?” replied the job prospect. “Let me tell you something about honest. Why, I’m so honest that my father lent me $15,000 for my education, and I paid back every penny the minute I tried my very first case.”
“Impressive. And what sort of case was that?”
The lawyer squirmed in his seat and admitted, “He sued me for the money.”
Controlling Your Woman
Joke of the Day Posted on | January 3, 2009 | No Comments
Three guys were drinking in a pub. Two of them were talking about the amount of control they have over their wives, while the third remained quiet.
After a while one of the first two turned to the third and said, Well, what about you? What sort of control do you have over your wife?
The third fellow said, I’ll tell you. Just the other night my wife came to me on her hands and knees.
The first two guys were amazed. Wow! What happened then? they asked.
The third man took a healthy swallow of his beer, sighed, and uttered, She said, Get out from under the bed and fight like a man.
Letters to Bill Gate
Joke of the Day Posted on | January 2, 2009 | No Comments
Letter is from Banta Singh of Punjab to Mr. Bill Gates of Microsoft
Subject: Problems with my new computer
Dear Mr. Bill Gates,
We have bought a computer for our home and we have found some problems, which I want to bring to your notice.
1. There is a button ‘start’ but there is no ‘stop’ button. We request you to check this.
2. We find there is ‘Run’ in the menu. One of my friends clicked ‘run’ he ran up to Amritsar ! So, we request you to change that to ‘sit’, so that we can click that by sitting.
3. One doubt is whether any ‘re-scooter’ is available in system? I find only ‘re-cycle’, but I own a scooter at my home.
4. There is ‘Find’ button but it is not working properly. My wife lost the door key and we tried a lot trace the key with this ‘ find’ button, but was unable to trace. Please rectify this problem.
5.. My child learnt ‘Microsoft word’ now he wants to learn ‘Microsoft sentence’, so when you will provide that?
6. I brought computer, CPU, mouse and keyboard, but there is only one icon which shows ‘MY Computer’: when you will provide the remaining items?
7. It is surprising that windows says ‘MY Pictures’ but there is not even a single photo of mine. So when will you keep my photo in that.
8. There is ‘MICROSOFT OFFICE’ what about ‘MICROSOFT HOME’ since I use the PC at home only.
9. You provided ‘My Recent Documents’. When you will provide ‘My Past Documents’?
10. You provide ‘My Network Places’. For God shake please do not provide ‘My Secret Places’. I do not want to let my wife know where I go after my office hours.
Regards,
Banta
Last one from me to Mr Bill Gates :
Sir, how is it that your name is Gates but u are selling WINDOWS?
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