Joke of the Day : Joke Diary

Joke of the Day For Everybody

Inexperienced

Joke of the Day Posted on | January 31, 2009 | No Comments

The bar room was crowded. All of a sudden, the cute little thing on the stool began to cry.

The barkeep asked, “What’s the trouble, Toots?”

She sobbed, “I’m a virgin, and my boyfriend won’t have anything to do with me because I’m inexperienced. What should I do?”

Three men and a Lesbian were killed in the rush.

Anti-Drug

Joke of the Day Posted on | January 30, 2009 | No Comments

My kindergarten-aged daughter suddenly announced just before school that she needed to take a clean tee shirt to class. She told us the teacher was going to iron an anti-drug message on it. My wife frantically swept through my daughter’s room, finding nothing usable but one tee shirt that already had something printed on one side. She sent it off to school with my daughter.

That afternoon, my daughter returned and happily showed off her shirt. On one side it said, “Families are Forever.” And on the other, “Be Smart, Don’t Start.”

Morgan

Joke of the Day Posted on | January 29, 2009 | No Comments

An obnoxious guy walks into the neighborhood bar and sits next to a local honey already having her first beverage. As he tries to strike up a conversation she keeps ignoring him. Finally he says, “you know me, why don’t you talk to me?”

She replies, “Yes, I know you, you’re Morgan – big M, small organ. “

Retired

Joke of the Day Posted on | January 28, 2009 | No Comments

An urbanite retired and moved to the country. Every morning he put on his denims and a straw hat and made every effort to become a country gentleman.

One day an old friend came to visit him from the city. As he was showing him around the farm they came to the gentle-man’s pride and joy…a fine-looking horse.

“Yes sir,” said the gentleman, “I go for a buggy ride almost every morning. How about I hitch up old Sea Biscuit and we go for a ride?”

“Suits me.” answers the friend.

The gentleman started to harness the horse, but the animal resisted having the bit put in his mouth. It was obvious that the new farmer had no idea how to harness a horse, and after the tenth attempt to get the horse to open its mouth, the guest said, “Why don’t you wait until he yawns?”

Women in Achieving Equality

Joke of the Day Posted on | January 27, 2009 | No Comments

A heartwarming story of the advances of women in achieving equality throughout the world……….

Barbara Walters did a story on gender roles in Kuwait several years before the Gulf War. She noted then that women customarily walked about 10 feet behind their husbands.

She returned to Kuwait recently and observed that the men now walked several yards behind their wives.

Ms. Walters approached one of the women and said, “This is marvelous. Can you tell the free world just what enabled women here to achieve this reversal of roles?”

“Land mines,” said the Kuwaiti woman.

A Queensland Farmer

Joke of the Day Posted on | January 26, 2009 | No Comments

A Queensland farmer got in his car and drove to a neighbouring farm and knocked at the farmhouse door.

A young boy, about nine, opened the door.
Is your Dad home’? the farmer asked.
Sorry mate, he isn’t’ the boy replied. ‘He went into town.’
‘Well,’ said the farmer, ‘Is your mum here’?
‘No, sir, she’s not here either. She went into town with Dad.’
‘How about your brother, Greg? Is he here’?
‘He went with Mum and Dad.’
The farmer stood there for a few minutes, shifting from one foot to the other and mumbling to himself.

‘Is there anything I can do for ya’? the boy asked politely. ‘I know where all the tools are if you want to borrow one. Or maybe, I could take a message for Dad.’
‘Well,’ said the farmer uncomfortably, ‘I really wanted to talk to your Dad. It’s about your brother Greg getting my daughter pregnant.’

The boy considered for a moment. ‘You’d have to talk to Dad about that,’ he finally conceded. ‘If it helps you any, I know that Dad charges $200 for the bull and $150 for the pig, but I really don’t know how much he gets for Greg.’

Need A Smaller Card

Joke of the Day Posted on | January 25, 2009 | No Comments

At the card shop: A woman was spending a long time looking at the cards, finally shaking her head, “No.”

A clerk came over and asked, “May I help you?”

“I don’t know,” said the woman. “Do you have any ‘Sorry I laughed at your dick’ cards?”

Old Couple Pulled Over

Joke of the Day Posted on | January 24, 2009 | No Comments

An elderly couple was driving across the country. While the woman was behind the wheel, the couple was pulled over by the highway patrol.

“Ma’am, did you know you were speeding?” the officer said.

The woman, hard of hearing, turned to her husband and asked, “What did he say?”

“He said you were speeding!” the old man yelled.

The patrolman then asked, “May I see your license?”

The woman turned to her husband again, “What did he say?”

The old man yelled back, “He wants to see your license!”

The woman then gave the officer her license.

“I see you are from Arkansas,” the patrolman said. “I spent some time there once and went on a blind date with the ugliest woman I’ve ever seen.”

The woman turned to her husband again and asked, “What did he say?”

The old man replied, “He said he knows you!”

Five Hundred Bucks

Joke of the Day Posted on | January 23, 2009 | No Comments

Two couples were playing cards one evening. One of the husbands, Jerry, accidentally dropped some cards on the floor. When he bent down under the table to pick them up, he noticed that Ray’s wife Shaniqua, had her legs spread wide, and she wasn’t wearing any underwear! Shocked by this, Jerry, upon trying to sit up again, hit his head on the table and emerged red-faced.

Later, Jerry went into the kitchen to get some refreshments. Shaniqua followed him and asked, “Did you see anything that you liked under the table?”

Surprised by her boldness, Jerry courageously admitted that, well, yes, he did. She said, “You can have it, but it will cost you $500.” After taking a minute or two to assess the financial and moral costs of this offer, Jerry indicated that he was indeed interested.

She told him that since her husband, Ray, works Friday afternoons and Jerry doesn’t, that Jerry should be at her house around 2:00 PM, Friday afternoon.

When Friday rolls around, Jerry shows up at Ray’s house for sex with Ray’s wife at 2:00 PM sharp, and after paying her the agreed upon $500.00, they go to her bedroom and have fantastic sex, just as Shaniqua had promised. Afterwards, Jerry quickly dresses and leaves.

As was his habit at 6:00 PM, Ray returned home from work. Upon entering the house and encountering his wife, he asked loudly, “Did Jerry come by with my money?”

With a lump in her throat, Ray’s wife answered, “Oh yeah, he did stop by here for a few minutes this afternoon.”

Her heart nearly skipped a beat when Ray curtly asked, “And did he give you $500.00?”

In terror she assumed she’d somehow been found out, and after mustering up her best poker face, she replied, “Well, yes, in fact he did give me five hundred dollars.”

Ray, with a satisfied look on his face, surprised Shaniqua by saying, “Good, I was hoping so. Jerry came by my office this morning and borrowed five hundred dollars from me. He promised me he’d stop by this afternoon on his way home and pay me back.”

It’s so good to have a friend you can trust.”

My Mother Taught Me

Joke of the Day Posted on | January 22, 2009 | No Comments

The room was full of pregnant women and their partners, and the Lamaze class was in full swing.

The instructor was teaching the women how to breathe properly, along with informing the men how to give the necessary assurances at this stage of the plan.

The teacher then announced, “Ladies, exercise is good for you. Walking is especially beneficial. And, gentlemen, it wouldn’t hurt you to take the time to go walking with your partner!”

The room really got quiet. Finally, a man in the middle of the group raised his hand. “Yes?” replied the teacher.

“Is it all right if she carries a golf bag while we walk?”

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