Collection Department
Funny Jokes Posted on Wednesday, April 30, 2008 by Author @ 11:38 PM
Ann had gotten a job in a collections department. She had to call all the delinquent customers, asking for payment, while still being courteous. After working there for a few months, she had become quite good at her job but realized that many of these customers were routinely delinquent. One man in particular had to be called every month and during this conversation with him, he interrupted her little speech and asked, "Excuse me, are you available?"Ann quickly replied, "Not as long as your name comes up on my computer screen."
Mama's Gift
Funny Jokes Posted on Tuesday, April 29, 2008 by Author @ 11:03 PM
Four brothers left home for college, and they became successful doctors and lawyers and prospered. Some years later, they chatted after having dinner together. They discussed the gifts they were able to give their elderly mother who lived far away in another city.The first said, "I had a big house built for Mama."
The second said, "I had a hundred thousand dollar theater built in the house."
The third said "I had my Mercedes dealer deliver an SL600 to her."
The fourth said, "You know how Mama loved reading the Bible and you know she can't read anymore because she can't see very well. I met this preacher who told me about a parrot that can recite the entire Bible. It took twenty preachers 12 years to teach him. I had to pledge to contribute $100,000 a year for twenty years to the church, but it was worth it. Mama just has to name the chapter and verse and the parrot will recite it."
The other brothers were impressed. After the holidays Mom sent out her thank you notes.
"She wrote: "Milton, the house you built is so huge. I live in only one room, but I have to clean the whole house. Thanks anyway."
"Marvin, I am too old to travel. I stay home, I have my groceries delivered, so I never use the Mercedes. The thought was good. Thanks."
"Michael, you gave me an expensive theater with Dolby sound, it could hold 50 people, but all my friends are dead, I've lost my hearing and I'm nearly blind. I'll never use it. Thank you for the gesture just the same."
"Dearest Melvin, you were the only son to have the good sense to give little thought to your gift. The chicken was delicious. Thank you."
Paper Thin Wall
Funny Jokes Posted on Monday, April 28, 2008 by Author @ 8:25 PM
As a young married couple, a husband and a wife lived in a cheap housing complex near the base where he was working. Their chief complaint was that the walls were paper-thin and that they had no privacy. This was painfully obvious when one morning the husband was upstairs and the wife was downstairs on the telephone. She was interrupted by the doorbell and went to greet her neighbor."Give this to your husband," he said thrusting a roll of toilet paper into her hands. "He's been yelling for it for 15 minutes!"
An extraordinarily handsome man
Funny Jokes Posted on Sunday, April 27, 2008 by Author @ 10:03 PM
"An extraordinarily handsome man decided he had the responsibility to marry the perfect woman so they could produce beautiful children beyond comparison. With that as his mission he began searching for the perfect woman.Shortly thereafter he met a farmer who had three stunning, gorgeous daughters that positively took his breath away. So he explained his mission to the farmer, asking for permission to marry one of them.
The farmer simply replied, "They're lookin' to get married, so you came to the right place. Look 'em over and pick the one you want."
The man dated the first daughter. The next day the farmer asked for the man's opinion.
"Well," said the man, "she's just a weeeeee bit, not that you can hardly notice...pigeon-toed."
The farmer nodded and suggested the man date one of the other girls; so the man went out with the second daughter.
The next day, the farmer again asked how things went.
"Well," the man replied, "she's just a weeeee bit, not that you can hardly tell...cross-eyed."
The farmer nodded and suggested he date the third girl to see if things might be better. So he did.
The next morning the man rushed in exclaiming, "She's perfect, just perfect. She's the one I want to marry."
So they were wed right away. Months later the baby was born. When the man visited the nursery he was horrified: the baby was the most ugly, most pathetic human you can imagine. He rushed to his father-in-law asking how such a thing could happen considering the beauty of the parents.
"Well," explained the farmer, "She was just a weeeee bit, not that you could hardly tell...pregnant when you met her."
Two Morons
Funny Jokes Posted on Saturday, April 26, 2008 by Author @ 11:02 PM
Two morons are riding around looking for a place to have a picnic. One moron says, "Hey, lets have a picnic over there under that tree." The other moron says," No, no, lets have it in the middle of the road." They fought and came to a decision to have it in the middle of the road. Not long afterwards a car came speeding towards them, swerved off the road and ran into the tree. One moron says, “See if we were over there we would be dead right now."HOW TO COVER YOUR OWN TRACKS
Funny Jokes Posted on Friday, April 25, 2008 by Author @ 8:12 AM
A lawyer returns to his parked BMW to find the headlights broken and considerable damage. There's no sign of the offending vehicle but he's relieved to see that there's a note stuck under the windshield wiper."Sorry. I just backed into your Beemer. The witnesses who saw the accident are nodding and smiling at me because they think I'm leaving my name, address and other particulars. But I'm not."
Life Without Sex
Funny Jokes Posted on Thursday, April 24, 2008 by Author @ 10:00 PM
There was a guy who had been having chronic trouble in trying to get an erection. After weeks of frustration, he finally breaks down and goes to the doctor. The doctor gives him a thorough examination and finally makes the diagnosis."Well, there's good news and there's bad news," she says. "The bad news is that the muscles around your penis are deteriorating, and there is no cure."
The guy, on the verge of panic, finally regains his composure.
"So what's the good news?" he asks.
The doctor says, "There is an experimental treatment available, but there are no guarantees. It involves transplanting the muscles from a baby elephant's trunk into your penis. Would you like to try it?"
The guy thinks about it and finally says, "Well, the thought of going through life without being able to have sex is just too much for me. What have I got to lose? Let's do it."
So the doctor performs the operation.
A few weeks later, the guy takes his girlfriend out to a nice restaurant to celebrate his new equipment. While sitting at the table, he feels a stirring between his legs; it gets progressively worse until it reaches the point of being painful.
Seeking relief, he reaches down and unzips his fly to relieve some of the pressure.
Suddenly, his penis leaps free from his pants, slides over the tabletop and grabs a dinner roll, then returns to his pants again.
"Wow!" says his stunned girlfriend, "That was impressive! Can you do that again?"
Eyes watering and face flushed, he says, "Probably...But I don't know if I can fit another dinner roll up my ass!"
Location, Location
Funny Jokes Posted on Wednesday, April 23, 2008 by Author @ 11:29 PM
I went to the store the other day. I was only in there for about 5 minutes and when I came out there was a damn motorcycle cop writing a parking ticket. So I went up to him and said, "Come on, buddy, how about giving a guy a break?"He ignored me and continued writing the ticket, so I called him a pencil-necked nazi. He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having bald tires! So I called him a piece of horsecrap.
He finished the second ticket and put it on the car with the first. Then he started writing a third ticket! This went on for about 5 minutes - the more I abused him, the more tickets he wrote.
But I didn't care. My car was parked around the corner.
Fig Leaf
Funny Jokes Posted on Tuesday, April 22, 2008 by Author @ 9:16 PM
A guy goes into a costume shop. He says, "I'm going to a costume party, and I want to go as Adam."The girl brings out a fig leaf.
But he says, "Not big enough!"
So she brings out a bigger one.
"Still not big enough!"
So he brings out a HUGE fig leaf.
"Still not big enough!" he proudly tells her.
So she says, "Listen, Ace, why don't you just throw it over your shoulder and go as a gasoline pump?"
Mr. Jones, Your Barracks Door Is Open!
Funny Jokes Posted on Monday, April 21, 2008 by Author @ 11:55 PM
Mr. Jones had recently gotten himself a new secretary, and he called her into his office to transcribe a letter for him. When she walked into the room she noticed his fly was open, but rather than mention it to him then and embarrass him, she waited until she was leaving. Then, as she walked by, she said, "Mr. Jones, your barracks door is open." He was a bit suprised and confused, but finally got it when he realized his zipper was open.Later on, he decided to play a little trick on his secretary, so he called her in and asked her if when she saw his barraacks door open, did she also notice a proud soldier standing at attention? Being a witty woman, she replied, "No, sir, all I saw was an old, disabled veteran sitting on two duffle bags."
Always on Call
Funny Jokes Posted on Sunday, April 20, 2008 by Author @ 9:12 PM
A doctor answers his phone and hears the familiar voice of a colleague on the other end of the line.'We need a fourth for poker,' said the friend.
'I'll be right over,' whispered the doctor.
As he was putting on his coat, his wife asked, 'Is it serious?'
'Oh yes, quite serious,' said the doctor gravely. 'In fact, there are three doctors there already!'
Robbed
Funny Jokes Posted on Saturday, April 19, 2008 by Author @ 11:11 PM
Two guys are walking down the street when a mugger approaches them and demands their money. They both grudgingly pull out their wallets and begin taking out their cash. Just then one guy turns to the other and hands him a bill. "Here's that $20 I owe you," he saysShould have glasses
Funny Jokes Posted on Friday, April 18, 2008 by Author @ 11:59 PM
A policeman stops a lady and asks for her license. He says “Lady, it says here that you should be wearing glasses.”The woman answered “Well, I have contacts.”
The policeman replied “I don’t care who you know! You’re getting a ticket!”
Rookie is on the job
Funny Jokes Posted on Thursday, April 17, 2008 by Author @ 11:30 PM
A rookie police officer was out for his first ride in a cruiser with an experienced partner. A call came in telling them to disperse some people who were loitering.The officers drove to the street and observed a small crowd standing on a corner.
The rookie rolled down his window and said, “Let’s get off the corner people.”
A few glances, but no one moved, so he barked again, “Let’s get off that corner… NOW!”
Intimidated, the group of people began to leave, casting puzzled stares in his direction.
Proud of his first official act, the young policeman turned to his partner and asked, “Well, how did I do?”
Pretty good,” chuckled the vet, “especially since this is a bus stop.”
10 MOST WANTED
Funny Jokes Posted on Wednesday, April 16, 2008 by Author @ 11:48 PM
An elementary school class goes on a field trip to the police station. The Officer points to the 10 MOST WANTED list and tells them that these are the most wanted fugitives in the USA. Little Boy says " He is the MOST WANTED in the USA?!" Officer says "Yes." Little Boy asks "Why didn't you keep him when you took his picture.The LAPD, FBI and CIA
Funny Jokes Posted on Tuesday, April 15, 2008 by Author @ 11:27 PM
The Los Angeles Police Department (LAPD), The FBI, and the CIA are all trying to prove that they are the best at apprehending criminals. The President decides to give them a test. He releases a rabbit into a forest and each of them has to catch it.The CIA goes in. They place animal informants throughout the forest. They question all plant and mineral witnesses. After three months of extensive investigations they conclude that rabbits do not exist.
The FBI goes in. After two weeks with no leads they burn the forest, killing everything in it, including the rabbit, and they make no apologies. The rabbit had it coming.
The LAPD goes in. They come out two hours later with a badly beaten bear. The bear is yelling: “Okay! Okay! I’m a rabbit! I’m a rabbit!”
Cast Away
Funny Jokes Posted on Monday, April 14, 2008 by Author @ 8:04 PM
From a passenger ship, everyone can see a bearded man on a small island, who is shouting and desperately waving his hands."Who is that man and why is he so upset?" a passenger asks the captain.
"I've no idea, but every year when we pass by, he goes nuts."
Pennies from Heaven
Funny Jokes Posted on Sunday, April 13, 2008 by Author @ 11:51 PM
Little Jimmy was lying on a hillock in the middle of a meadow on a warm spring day. Puffy white clouds rolled by and he pondered their shape. Soon, he began to think about God. "God? Are you really there?" Jimmy said out loud. To his astonishment a voice came from the clouds."Yes, Jimmy? What can I do for you?"
Seizing the opportunity, Jimmy asked, "God? What is a million years like to you?"
Knowing that Jimmy could not understand the concept of infinity, God responded in a manner to which Jimmy could relate, "A million years to me, Jimmy, is like a minute."
"Oh," said Jimmy. "Well, then, what's a million dollars like to you?"
"A million dollars to me, Jimmy, is like a penny."
"Wow!" remarked Jimmy, getting an idea. "You're so generous, can I have one of your pennies?"
God replied, "Sure thing, Jimmy! Just a minute."
FBI
Funny Jokes Posted on by Author @ 11:16 PM
The phone rings at FBI headquarters."Hello?"
"Hello, is this the FBI?"
"Yes. What do you want?"
"I'm calling to report my neighbor Adrian Thibodeaux! He is hiding marijuana inside his firewood."
"Thank you very much for the call, sir."
The next day, the FBI agents descend on Thibodeaux's house. They search the shed where the firewood is kept. Using axes, they bust open every piece of wood, but find no marijuana. They swear at Thibodeaux and leave.
The phone rings at Thibodeaux's house.
"Hey, Adrian! Did the FBI come?"
"Yeah!"
"Did they chop your firewood?"
"Yep"
"Great, now it's your turn to call. I need my garden plowed."
Nurse
Funny Jokes Posted on Saturday, April 12, 2008 by Author @ 11:59 PM
The nurse was walking down the hospital corridor when her supervisor spotted her. The supervisor couldn't believe it:The nurse's hair was unkempt, her dress wrinkled, and to top off her overall dishevelment, one of her breasts was hanging out of the open front of her uniform!
"MISS JENNINGS! How can you account for parading around the hospital not only looking like a derelict, but with your breast exposed!"
"Oh," said the nurse, as she stuffed her breast into her uniform, "It's those darn interns! They NEVER put anything back when they're through using it!"
Guided Expedition
Funny Jokes Posted on Friday, April 11, 2008 by Author @ 11:03 PM
Some American adventure tourists signed up for a guided expedition across the Sahara desert. Upon arriving at their starting point they were surprised to find that the entire journey was to be via camel.They explained to the expedition leader how they were under the impression the trip was to be taken in four wheel drive vehicles.
"No no," said Ohmar, "There is no vehicle made that can survive the route we are taking across the desert. Only camels can make this trip and even they require special preparation"
"What kind of special preparation?" asked an American
"Well first I let the camel drink his fill of cool water and then just as he's taking his last sip I take these two bricks and slam them together on his nuts. The camel instantly sucks up another ten gallons of water... enough for him to survive the long
journey"
"My god," exclaimed the American, "that must really hurt"
"Not really," replied Ohmar, "only if I catch my fingers between the bricks"
Daughter's Marriages
Funny Jokes Posted on Thursday, April 10, 2008 by Author @ 11:55 PM
A Mother had three daughters and on their weddings, she tells each one of them to write back about their marriage life.And the first one gets married. The second day the letter arrives with a single message... simply, "Maxwell Coffeehouse." Mother got confused and finally noticed in a Maxwell, and it says, "Satisfaction to the last drop..." So, Mother is happy.
Then the second daughter gets married. Only after a week was there a message that reads, "Rothmans." So the Mother looks into the Rothmans ad, and it says, "Life Size, King Size." And Mother is happy.
Then it was the third one's wedding. Mother was anxious. Only after four weeks came the message, "British Airways." And Mother looks into the BA ad, but this time she fainted. The ad reads, "Two times a day, four times a week, both ways."
I know you were drunk yesterday
Funny Jokes Posted on Wednesday, April 09, 2008 by Author @ 11:36 PM
A fellow decides to take off early from work and go drinking. He stays until the bar closes at three in the morning, at which time he is extremely drunk. After leaving the bar, he returns home on foot.When he enters his house, he doesn’t want to wake anyone, so he takes off his shoes and starts tip-toeing up the stairs. Half-way up the stairs though, he falls over backwards and lands flat on his back. That wouldn’t have been so bad, except that he had couple of empty pint bottles in his back pockets, and they broke; the broken glass carved up his back terribly. Yet, he was so drunk that he didn’t know he was hurt.
A few minutes later, as he was undressing, he noticed blood, so he checked himself out in the mirror, and, sure enough, his behind was cut up terribly. He then repaired the damage as best he could under the circumstances, and he went to bed.
The next morning, his head was hurting, his back was hurting, and he was hunkering under the covers trying to think up some good story, when his wife came into the bedroom.
“Well, you really tied one on last night,” she said. “Where’d you go?”
“I worked late,” he said, “and I stopped off for a couple of beers.”
“A couple of beers? That’s a laugh,” she replied. “You got plastered last night. Where did you go?”
“What makes you so sure I got drunk last night, anyway?”
“Well,” she replied, “my first big clue was when I got up this morning and found a bunch of band-aids stuck to the mirror.”
Amazon Jungle
Funny Jokes Posted on Tuesday, April 08, 2008 by Author @ 11:14 PM
An explorer was leading an entourage through the Amazon jungle when they heard the sounds of drums.At the next village, the leader stopped a native and asked him to explain their meaning.
"Bad, real bad when drums stop!" he said before running off.
The drum beating continued to pulsate.
The safari leader asked another native about it.
"Bad, real bad when drums stop!" he said.
A few minutes later the drums did stop, and all the expedition members became panicked. The leader grabbed another villager and demanded to know the situation...
... "Bad, real bad that drums stop," he blurted. "Now comes bass solo!"