Lawyer
Funny Jokes Posted on Monday, March 31, 2008 by Author @ 11:42 PM
A lawyer was walking down the street and saw an auto accident. He rushed over, started handing out business cards, and said, "I saw the whole thing. I'll take either side."
Fourty Years Late
Funny Jokes Posted on by Author @ 7:09 PM
An old fellow was snoozing away contentedly when he was startled awake by the doorbell. He staggered off the couch to make his way to the door. There stood a gorgeous young woman."Oh my goodness," the pretty young thing exclaimed, "I'm at the wrong house."
"Sweetheart, you're at the right house," the old guy assured her. "But you're forty years too late."
No One Available
Funny Jokes Posted on Sunday, March 30, 2008 by Author @ 11:59 PM
A man was going up to bed, when his wife told him he'd left the light on in the garden shed - she could see it from the bedroom window. But he said that he hadn't been in the shed that day. He looked himself, and there were people in the shed, stealing things.He rang the police, but they told him that no-one was in his area, so no-one was available to catch the thieves. He said ok, hung up, counted to 30 and rang the police again.
"Hello. I just rang you a few seconds ago because there were people in my shed? Well, you don't have to worry about them now, I've just shot them all."
Within five minutes there were half a dozen police cars in the area, an Armed Response unit, the works. Of course, they caught the burglars red-handed.
One of the policemen said to this man: "I thought you said you'd shot them!"
He replied: "I thought you said there was no-one available!"
Happiest Day of Your Life
Funny Jokes Posted on Saturday, March 29, 2008 by Author @ 11:58 PM
"Congratulations my boy!" said the groom's uncle."I'm sure you'll look back and remember today as the happiest day of your
life."
"But I'm not getting married until tomorrow." Protested his nephew.
"I know," replied the uncle.
"That's exactly what I mean."
Great Female Combacks
Funny Jokes Posted on Friday, March 28, 2008 by Author @ 11:42 PM
Man "Haven't we met before?"Woman "Yes, I'm the receptionist at the VD Clinic."
Man "Haven't I seen you someplace before?
Woman "Yeah, that's why I don't go there anymore."
Man "Is this seat empty?"
Woman "Yes, and this one will be too if you sit down."
Man "So, wanna go back to my place ?"
Woman "Well, I don't know. Will two people fit under a rock?"
Man "Your place or mine?"
Woman "Both. You go to yours and I'll go to mine."
Man "I'd like to call you. What's your number?"
Woman "It's in the phone book."
Man "But I don't know your name."
Woman "That's in the phone book too."
Man "So what do you do for a living?"
Woman "I'm a female impersonator."
Man "What sign were you born under?"
Woman "No Parking."
Man "Hey, baby, what's your sign?"
Woman "Do not Enter"
Man "How do you like your eggs in the morning?"
Woman "Unfertilized"
Man "Hey, come on, we're both here at this bar for the same reason"
Woman "Yeah! Let's pick up some chicks!"
Man "I'm here to fulfill your every sexual fantasy."
Woman "You mean you've got both a donkey and a Great Dane?"
Man "I know how to please a woman."
Woman "Then please leave me alone."
Man "I want to give myself to you."
Woman "Sorry, I don't accept cheap gifts."
Man "I can tell that you want me."
Woman "Ohhhh. You're so right. I want you to leave."
Man "If I could see you naked, I'd die happy
Woman "Yeah, but if I saw you naked, I'd probably die laughing."
Man "Hey cutie, how 'bout you and I hitting the hot spots?"
Woman "Sorry, I don't date outside my species.."
Man "Your body is like a temple."
Woman "Sorry, there are no services today."
Man "I'd go through anything for you."
Woman "Good! Let's start with your bank account."
Man "I would go to the end of the world for you."
Woman "Yes, but would you stay there?
Stay Here
Funny Jokes Posted on Thursday, March 27, 2008 by Author @ 11:58 PM
This guy says to his buddy, "You'll never believe what happened last night."His buddy says, "Well then, tell me what happened."
The guy says, "Last night the doorbell rang, and when I opened the door, there was my ex-mother-in-law on the front porch."
She said, "Can I stay here for a few days?"
I said, "Of course, you can," and shut the door.
Nonsense
Funny Jokes Posted on Wednesday, March 26, 2008 by Author @ 11:58 PM
A young boy asked his mother, "Ma, is it true that people can be taken apart like machines?""Of course not, where did you hear such nonsense?" replied his mother.
The young boy answered, "The other day, Daddy was talking to someone on the phone, and he said that he screwed the tail off his secretary."
Pay Your Bills
Funny Jokes Posted on Tuesday, March 25, 2008 by Author @ 7:07 PM
Once upon a time, and far far away, lived a beautiful Queen with voluptuous breasts.Nick the Dragon slayer knew that the penalty for his desire would be death should he try to touch them.
One day Nick revealed his secret desire to his colleague, Horatio the Physician, who was the King's chief doctor.
Horatio the physician exclaimed that he could arrange for Nick the Dragon Slayer to satisfy his desire, but it would cost him 1,000 gold coins to arrange it.
Without pause, Nick the Dragon Slayer readily agreed to the scheme.
The next day, Horatio the Physician made a batch of itching powder and poured a little bit into the Queen's brassiere while she bathed.
Soon after she dressed, the itching commenced and grew intense.
Upon being summoned to the Royal Chambers to address this incident, Horatio the Physician informed the King and Queen that only special saliva, if applied for four hours, would cure this type of itch, and that tests had shown that only the saliva of Nick the Dragon Slayer would work as the antidote to cure the itch.
The King quickly summoned Nick the Dragon Slayer.
Horatio the Physician then slipped Nick the Dragon Slayer the antidote for the itching powder, which he quickly put into his mouth, and for the next four hours, Nick worked passionately on the Queen's voluptuous and magnificent breasts.
The Queen's itching was eventually relieved, and Nick the Dragon Slayer left satisfied and touted as a hero. Upon returning to his chamber, Nick the Dragon Slayer found Horatio the Physician demanding his payment of 1,000 gold coins.
With his obsession now satisfied, Nick the Dragon Slayer couldn't have cared less and, knowing that Horatio the Physician could never report this matter
to the King, with a laugh just told him to get lost.
The next day, Horatio the Physician slipped a massive dose of the same itching powder into the King's underwear. The King immediately summoned Nick
the Dragon Slayer
The moral of the story........ Pay your bills
One Short
Funny Jokes Posted on Monday, March 24, 2008 by Author @ 11:59 AM
As the storm raged, the captain realized his ship was sinking fast. He called out, "Anyone here know how to pray?"One man stepped forward. "Aye, Captain, I know how to pray."
"Good," said the captain, "you pray while the rest of us put on our life jackets - we're one short."
Oversize
Funny Jokes Posted on Sunday, March 23, 2008 by Author @ 10:45 PM
Two brothers enlisting in the Army were getting their physicals. During the inspection, the doctor was surprised to discover that both of them possessed incredibly long, oversize penises."How do you account for this?" he asked the brothers.
"It's hereditary, sir," the older one replied.
"I see," said the doctor, writing in his file. "Your father's the reason for your elongated penises?"
"No sir, our mother."
"Your mother? You idiot, women don't have penises!"
"I know, sir," replied the recruit, "but she only had one arm, and when it came to getting us out of the bathtub, she had to manage as best she could."
Big Cocktail Party
Funny Jokes Posted on Saturday, March 22, 2008 by Author @ 10:53 PM
At a big cocktail party, an obstetrician's wife noticed another guest, a big, over sexed woman, was making overtures to her husband. But it was a large, informal gathering, so she tried to laugh it off, until she saw them disappear into a bedroom together.At once she rushed into the room, pulled the two apart and screamed, "Look, lady! My husband just delivers babies, he doesn't INSTALL them!"
Acquaintance
Funny Jokes Posted on Friday, March 21, 2008 by Author @ 6:52 PM
My cousin owned one of the biggest and fastest-growing businesses in Miami, a furniture store. I convinced him that he needed to take a trip to Italy to check out the merchandise himself And because he was still single, he could check out all the hot Italian women and maybe get lucky.As he was checking into a hotel he struck up an acquaintance with a beautiful young lady. She only spoke Italian and he only spoke English- neither understood a word the other spoke. So he took out a pencil and a notebook and drew a picture of a taxi. She smiled, nodded her head and they went for a ride in the park. Later, he drew a picture of a table in a restaurant with a question mark and she nodded. So they went to dinner.
After dinner he sketched two dancers and she was delighted. They went to several nightclubs, drank champagne, danced and had a glorious evening. It had gotten quite late when she motioned for the pencil and drew a picture of a four-poster bed.
He was dumbfounded. To this day says that he's never been able to understand how she knew he was in the furniture business.
Birthday Present
Funny Jokes Posted on Thursday, March 20, 2008 by Author @ 6:55 PM
A man asked his wife what she'd like for her birthday."I'd love to be six again," she replied.
On the morning of her birthday, he got her up bright and early and off they went to a local theme park. What a day! He put her on every ride in the park: the Death Slide, the Screaming Loop, the Wall of Fear - everything there was! Wow!
Five hours later she staggered out of the theme park, her head reeling and her stomach upside down. Right to a McDonald's they went, where her husband ordered her a Big Mac along with extra fries and a refreshing chocolate shake.
Then it was off to a movie - the latest Star Wars epic, and hot dogs, popcorn, Pepsi Cola and M&Ms. What a fabulous adventure!
Finally she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed. He leaned over and lovingly asked,
"Well, dear, what was it like being six again?"
One eye opened. "You idiot, I meant my dress size."
Staff Meeting
Funny Jokes Posted on Wednesday, March 19, 2008 by Author @ 7:04 PM
Speaking at the Staff Meeting, a very pert and pretty female engineer named Renee told the male manager of the Division, "I'd like to get something off my chest.""What's that, Renee?"
"Your eyes."
Woman
Funny Jokes Posted on Tuesday, March 18, 2008 by Author @ 9:32 PM
Andy and Jack went out drinking one night and didn't get home till the wee hours.They see each other the next day at work and Jack asks, "Did your wife have much to say when you got home last night?"
Andy replies, "No, but that didn't keep her from talking for two hours."
A Doctor of Psychology
Funny Jokes Posted on Monday, March 17, 2008 by Author @ 10:44 PM
A doctor of psychology was doing his normal morning rounds when he entered a patient's room. He found Patient #1 sitting on the floor, pretending to saw a piece of wood in half.Patient #2 was hanging from the ceiling, by his feet.
The doctor asked patient number 1 what he was doing. The patient replied, "Can't you see I'm sawing this piece of wood in half?" The doctor inquired of Patient #1 what Patient #2 was doing. Patient #1 replied, "Oh. He's my friend, but he's a little crazy. He thinks he's a light bulb." The doctor looks up and notices Patient #2's face is going all red.
The doctor asks Patient #1, "If he's your friend, you should get him down from there before he hurts himself"
Patient #1 replies, "What? And work in the dark?"
Not Just Sex Anymore
Funny Jokes Posted on Sunday, March 16, 2008 by Author @ 7:35 PM
An elderly gentleman went to see his doctor and asked for a prescription of Viagra. The doctor said, "That's no problem. How many do you want?"The man answered, "Just a few, maybe 4, but cut each one in 4 pieces."
The doctor said, "That won't do you any good."
The elderly gentleman said, "That's all right. I don't need them for sex anymore as I am over 90 years old. I just want it to stick out far enough so I don't pee on my shoes."
Wrong Way
Funny Jokes Posted on Saturday, March 15, 2008 by Author @ 11:59 PM
As a senior citizen was driving down the freeway, his car phone rang.Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him.
"Herman, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on 280 interstate. Please be careful!"
"It's not just one car," said Herman. "It's hundreds of them!"
Mole Family
Funny Jokes Posted on Friday, March 14, 2008 by Author @ 10:32 PM
A daddy mommy and baby mole are in their hole relaxing one morning when daddy mole sticks his head out of the hole and says, "I smell pancakes".Mommy mole sticks her head out the tiny hole and says, "I smell pancakes too...pancakes with maple syrup!! Baby mole come smell the pancakes with maple syrup".
Baby mole sticks his head upwards to get to the hole and exclaims "I cant smell anything but moleasses"
Cost Cutting
Funny Jokes Posted on Thursday, March 13, 2008 by Author @ 7:29 PM
DUE TO THE CURRENT FINANCIAL STATUS OF THE COMPANY. ALL EMPLOYEES ARE ENCOURAGED TO ADOPT THE FOLLOWING COST CUTTING MEASURESLodging
All employees are encouraged to stay with relatives and friends while on business travel. If weather permits, public areas such as parks should be used as temporary lodging sites. Bus terminals, train stations, and office lobbies may provide shelter in periods of inclement weather.
Transportation
Hitchhiking is the preferred mode of travel in lieu of commercial
transport. Luminescent safety vests will be issued to all employees prior to their departure on business trips. Bus transportation will be used only when work schedules require such travel. Airline tickets will be authorized in extreme circumstances and the lowest fares will be used. For example, if a meeting is scheduled in Seattle, but the lower fare can be obtained by traveling to Detroit, then travel to Detroit will be substituted for travel to Seattle.
Meals
Expenditures for meals will be limited to an absolute minimum. It should be noted that certain grocery and specialty chains, such as Hickory Farms, General Nutrition centers, and, Costco, Sams stores etc. often provide free samples of promotional items. Entire meals can be obtained in this manner. Travelers should also be familiar with indigenous roots, berries, and other protein sources available at their destinations.
If restaurants must be utilized, travelers should use "all you can eat" salad bars. This is especially effective for employees traveling together as one plate can be used to feed the entire group. Employees are also encouraged to bring their own food on business travel. Cans of tuna fish, Spam, and Beefaroni can be consumed at your leisure without the necessary bother of heating or costly preparation.
Miscellaneous
All employees are encouraged to devise innovative techniques in effort to save company dollars. One enterprising individual has already suggested that money could be raised during airport layover periods which could be used to defray travel expenses. In support of this idea, red caps will be issued to all employees prior to their departure so that they may earn tips by helping others with their luggage. Small plastic roses and ball point pens will also be available to employees so that sales may be made as time permits.
Dentist
Funny Jokes Posted on Wednesday, March 12, 2008 by Author @ 11:55 PM
Then there's the woman who goes to the dentist. As he leans over to begin working on her, she grabs his balls.The dentist says, "Madam, I believe you've got a hold of my privates."
The woman replies, "Yes. We're going to be careful not to hurt each other, aren't we."
Young Advertising Secretary
Funny Jokes Posted on Tuesday, March 11, 2008 by Author @ 10:03 PM
A well-stacked young advertising secretary wore tight knit dresses that showed off her figure, especially when she walked. Her young, aggressive boss motioned her into his office one afternoon and closed the door. Pointing to her tightly covered derriere, he asked, "Is that for sale?""Of course not!" she snapped angrily, blushing furiously.
Unchanged, he replied quietly, "Then, I suggest you quit advertising it."
Young Widow
Funny Jokes Posted on Monday, March 10, 2008 by Author @ 10:43 PM
The young widow was kneeling at her husband's grave tending to the weeds, when she felt the grass rustle beneath her skirt.She smiled and said "Easy sweetheart, you're dead now ya know."
Insurance Payments
Funny Jokes Posted on Sunday, March 09, 2008 by Author @ 9:00 PM
Three Insurance salesmen were sitting in a restaurant boasting about each companies' service.The first one said, "When one of our insured died suddenly on Monday, we got the news that evening and were able to process the claim for the wife and mailed a check on Wednesday evening."
The second one said, "When one of our insured died without warning on Monday, we learned of it in 2 hours and were able to hand-deliver a check the same evening."
The last salesman said, "That's nothing. Our office is on the 20th floor. One of our insured who was washing a window on the 85th floor, slipped and fell. We handed him his check as he passed our floor!"
Partner Swapping
Funny Jokes Posted on Saturday, March 08, 2008 by Author @ 10:39 PM
Two couples decide to spend the weekend away together at a posh hotel. When they get there, one guy suggests they indulge in partner-swapping as a trial.After 2 hours of solid sex by the fireside, the guy turned to his new partner and said, "Wow! This is the very best sex I had in years... I wonder how the girls are doing?"