Nudist Colony
Funny Jokes Posted on Friday, February 29, 2008 by Author @ 8:08 PM
An elderly man decides to join a nudist colony. He asks if he can just wander around the grounds to decide if he really wants to join.He strips and goes for a walk. After a while the man becomes tired and sits on a bench to relax. Along comes a beautiful woman and the sight of her causes the old man to become excited. The woman, noticing the man's erection due to her presence, goes over and satisfies him by performing oral sex on him.
The man is thrilled. He hurries back to the office and tells them he wants to join immediately and pays his dues.
The old man lights up a cigar and goes out for another walk. While walking, he drops his cigar and bends over to pick it up. A young man sees the old man bent over and goes over and performs anal sex on the old man.
The elderly gentleman hurries back to the office to cancel his membership.
"But why," asks the person at the desk, "you just said this was one of the greatest places you ever visited."
"Yes," replies the old man, "but at my age I only get an erection once every three months, but I drop my cigar five times a day."
VD Chain
Funny Jokes Posted on Thursday, February 28, 2008 by Author @ 8:38 PM
"Doc, I think my son has VD," a patient told his urologist on the phone. "The only woman he's screwed is our maid.""Okay, don't be hard on him. He's just a kid," the medic soothed. "Get him in here right away and I'll take care of him."
"But I've been screwing the maid too, and I've got the same symptoms he has."
"Then you come in with him and I'll fix you both up," replied the doctor.
"Well," the man admitted, "I think my wife has it too."
"Oh crap!" the physician roared. "That means we've all got it!"
What's Wrong
Funny Jokes Posted on Wednesday, February 27, 2008 by Author @ 9:35 PM
The man told his doctor he wasn't able to do all the things around the house that he used to do. When the examination was complete, he said."Now, Doc, I can take it. Tell me in plain English what's wrong with me."
"Well, in plain English," the doctor replied, "You're just a plain old lazy fart."
"Thank You." said the man. "Now give me the medical term, so I can tell my wife!"
Tell A Lie
Funny Jokes Posted on Tuesday, February 26, 2008 by Author @ 8:25 PM
I met my 6-year-old son at the bus one day after I'd gotten a new haircut. Although it felt great, my new look had the effect of making my already substantial nose seem even more prominent. The next morning I awoke to Julian softly running his fingers across my face, clearly deep in thought. "Mom," he asked seriously, "did you tell a lie?"A Little Good Night Kiss
Funny Jokes Posted on Monday, February 25, 2008 by Author @ 8:22 PM
All Bill asked for was a little good-night kiss, but Anne haughtily rebuffed him with, "I don't do that sort of thing on my first date!""Well," Bill replied with sarcasm, "how about on your last date?"
Two Italian Men
Funny Jokes Posted on Sunday, February 24, 2008 by Author @ 9:58 PM
A bus stopped and two Italian men got on. They sat down together and engaged in animated conversation. The lady sitting behind them ignored them at first, but her attention was galvanized when she heard one of the men become graphic."Emma come first. Denna I come. Two asses, they come together. I come again. Two asses, they come together again. I come again and pee twice. Then I come once-a more."
"You foul-mouthed swine," said the lady indignantly. "In this country we don't talk about our sex lives in public!"
"Hey, coola down lady," said the man. "Imma justa tellun my friend howa to spella Mississippi."
Hot as 50 years ago
Funny Jokes Posted on Saturday, February 23, 2008 by Author @ 9:39 PM
There was this couple who had been married for 50 years. They were sitting at the breakfast table one morning when the old gentleman said to his wife, "Just think, honey, we've been married for 50 years.""Yeah," she replied, "Just think, fifty years ago we were sitting here at this breakfast table together."
"I know," the old man said, "We were probably sitting here naked as jaybirds fifty years ago."
"Well," Granny snickered, "What do you say........ Should we get naked?"
And they stripped to the buff and sat down at the table.
"You know, honey," the little old lady breathlessly replied, "My nipples are as hot for you today as they were fifty years ago!"
"I wouldn't be surprised," replied Gramps. "One is in your coffee and the other is in your oatmeal!!!"
What you wanted when your grew up?
Funny Jokes Posted on Friday, February 22, 2008 by Author @ 9:17 PM
The teacher asked her class what each wanted to become when they grew up. A chorus of responses came from all over the room."A football player," said Jim.
"A doctor," said Alfred.
"An astronaut," said Suzy.
"The president," said little Al. (Everyone laughed).
"A fireman," said Fred.
"A teacher," said Lisa.
"A race car driver." said Mario.
Everyone that is, except Tommy.
The teacher noticed he was sitting there quiet and still. So she said to him, "Tommy, what do you want to be when you grow up?"
"Possible." Tommy replied.
"Possible?" asked the teacher.
"Yes," Tommy said. "My mom is always telling me I'm impossible. So when I get to be big, I want to be possible."
Dashed to The Elevator
Funny Jokes Posted on Thursday, February 21, 2008 by Author @ 11:07 PM
One day I dashed to the elevator swinging my arms. As I entered, I swung my hand around and accidentally cupped a male co-worker's crotch. "Next time," he said, "why don't you take me out for dinner and a movie first?"What am I supposed to do with this?
Funny Jokes Posted on Wednesday, February 20, 2008 by Author @ 11:11 PM
"What am I supposed to do with this?", grumbled a motorist as the policeman handed him a speeding ticket."Keep it," the cop said, "when you collect four of them you get a bicycle."
Toilet Paper
Funny Jokes Posted on Tuesday, February 19, 2008 by Author @ 7:08 PM
A husband, tired of his wife asking him how she looks, buys her a full length mirror. This does little to help, as now she just stands in front of the mirror, looking at herself, asking him how she looks.One day, fresh out of the shower, she is yet again in front of the mirror, now complaining that her breasts are too small. Uncharacteristically, the husband comes up with a suggestion.
"If you want your breasts to grow, then every day take a piece of toilet paper, and rub it between your breasts for a few seconds."
Willing to try anything, the wife fetches a piece of toilet paper, and stands in front of the mirror, rubbing it between her boobs. "How long will this take?" she asks.
"They'll grow larger over a period of years," he replies.
The wife stops. "Why do you think rubbing a piece of toilet paper between my breasts every day will make them grow over the years?"
The husband shrugs. "Why not, it worked for your butt, didn't it?"
Snake Eye
Funny Jokes Posted on Monday, February 18, 2008 by Author @ 11:57 PM
An old snake goes to see his Doctor. "Doc, I need something for my eyes, I can't see very well these days."The Doc fixes him up with a pair of glasses and tells him to return in 2 weeks.
The snake comes back in 2 weeks and tells the doctor he's very depressed.
Doc says, "What's the problem? Didn't the glasses help you?"
"The glasses are fine doc, but I just discovered I've been living with a water hose the past 2 years!"
Dream
Funny Jokes Posted on Sunday, February 17, 2008 by Author @ 11:27 PM
After she woke up, a woman told her husband,"I just had a dream that you gave me the most beautiful diamond necklace. What do you think it means?"
"You'll know tonight." he said with a smile.
The woman could hardly think of anything else all day and she couldn't wait for her husband to return home.
That evening, the man finally came home with a small package and gave it to his wife.
Delighted, she opened it excitedly to find a book entitled...
"The Meaning of Dreams"
Not Communicative Type
Funny Jokes Posted on Saturday, February 16, 2008 by Author @ 11:53 PM
A guy picked this woman up in a nightclub and took her home. While they were walking home he didn't say a thing."You're not the communicative type, are you?" she said as they were undressing.
"Nah," he replied and pulled out his old fella. "I do all my talking with this."
"Damn," said the girl as she leaned forward to look. "You don't have much to say, do you?"
Toothbrush
Funny Jokes Posted on Friday, February 15, 2008 by Author @ 11:28 PM
My son Zachary, 4, came screaming out of the bathroom to tell me he'd dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. So I fished it out and threw it in the garbage. Zachary stood there thinking for a moment, then ran to my bathroom and came out with my toothbrush. He held it up and said with a charming little smile, "We better throw this one out too then, 'cause it fell in the toilet a few days ago."Four Minutes
Funny Jokes Posted on Thursday, February 14, 2008 by Author @ 11:58 PM
A man and his wife are watching a championship boxing match on TV. Early in the second round, one of the fighters goes down for the count. The husband sighs and says, "I'm so disappointed. It was all over in four minutes!"The wife replies, "Good. Now you know how I feel."
Any Proof
Funny Jokes Posted on Wednesday, February 13, 2008 by Author @ 11:12 PM
A man went to his lawyer and told him, "My neighbor owes me $500 and he doesn't want to pay up. What should I do?""Do you have any proof?" asked the lawyer.
"Nope," replied the man.
"Okay, then write him a letter asking him for the $1000 he owed you," said the lawyer.
"But it's only $500," replied the man.
"Precisely. That's what he will reply and we will have the proof we need to nail him."
Fitness Program
Funny Jokes Posted on Tuesday, February 12, 2008 by Author @ 11:49 PM
When an applicant asked if the company had a fitness program, the human resources manager replied, "Oh, our employees don't need one.They are routinely jumping to conclusions, flying off the handle, beating around the bush, running down the boss, going around in circles, dragging their feet, dodging responsibility, passing the buck, climbing the ladder, wading through paper work, pulling strings, throwing their weight around, stretching the truth, bending the rules, stabbing others in their backs and pushing their luck!"
High Tech Milking Machine
Funny Jokes Posted on Monday, February 11, 2008 by Author @ 11:07 PM
Lewis's cousin, the farmer, ordered a high-tech milking machine. Since the equipment arrived when his wife was out of town, he decided to test it on himself first. So, he inserted his penis into the equipment, turned the switch on and everything else was automatic.Soon, he realized that the equipment provided him with as much pleasure as his wife did. When the fun was over, though, he quickly realized that he couldn't remove the instrument from his penis. He read the manual but didn't find any useful information. He tried every button on the instrument, but still without success. Finally, the farmer decided to call the supplier's Customer Service Hot Line.
"Hello, I just bought a milking machine from your company. It works fantastic, but how do I remove it from the cow's udder?" "Don't worry," replied the customer service rep, "The machine will release automatically once it's collected two gallons."
Hearing Aid
Funny Jokes Posted on Sunday, February 10, 2008 by Author @ 10:30 PM
A man realized he needed to purchase a hearing aid, but he felt unwilling to spend much money. "How much do they run?" he asked the clerk."That depends," said the salesman. "They run from $2.00 to $2,000."
"Let's see the $2.00 model," he said.
The clerk put the device around the man's neck. "You just stick this button in your ear and run this little string down to your pocket," he instructed.
"How does it work?" the customer asked.
"For $2.00, it doesn't work," the salesman replied. "But when people see it on you, they'll talk louder!"
Low Bridge
Funny Jokes Posted on Saturday, February 09, 2008 by Author @ 11:59 PM
A truck driver was driving along on the freeway. He passed a sign that said "low bridge ahead."Before he knew it, the bridge was right ahead of him and he got stuck under the bridge. You could say that he got a rock solid "Trucker's Wedgie."
Cars were backed up for miles.
Finally, a police car pulled up. The cop got out of his car and walked around to the truck driver, put his hands on his hips and said, "Got stuck, huh?"
The truck driver said, "No officer,... I was delivering this bridge and ran out of gas!"
The Most Tactful People on Earth
Funny Jokes Posted on Friday, February 08, 2008 by Author @ 10:19 PM
Some of the most tactful people on Earth are English. One office supervisor called a secretary in to give her the bad news that she was being fired. He started the conversation with: "Miss Symthe, I really don't know how we're going to get along without you, but starting Monday, we're going to try.Why Aging Isn't So Bad
Funny Jokes Posted on Thursday, February 07, 2008 by Author @ 10:43 PM
Kidnappers are not very interested in you.People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.
Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can't remember them either.
No one expects you to run into a burning building.
There's nothing left to learn the hard way.
Your joints are more accurate than the National Weather Service.
In a hostage situation you are likely to be released first.
How to get more business
Funny Jokes Posted on Wednesday, February 06, 2008 by Author @ 11:21 PM
When a guy's printer type began to grow faint, he called a local repair shop where a friendly man informed him that the printer probably needed only to be cleaned. Because the store charged $50 for such cleanings, he told him he might be better off reading the printer's manual and trying the job himself.Pleasantly surprised by his candor, he asked, "Does your boss know that you discourage business?"
"Actually, it's my boss's idea," the employee replied sheepishly. "We usually make more money on repairs if we let people try to fix things themselves first."
Modest Income
Funny Jokes Posted on Tuesday, February 05, 2008 by Author @ 11:43 PM
"Darling," said the young man to his new bride. "Now that we are married, do you think you will be able to live on my modest income?""Of course, dearest, no trouble," she answered. "But what will you live on?"
Larger Bill
Funny Jokes Posted on Monday, February 04, 2008 by Author @ 8:14 PM
Susie and Jane were standing in line at a fast-food restaurant, waiting to place their order. There was a big sign posted. "No bills larger than $20 will be accepted."Jane says to Susie, pointing to the sign, "Believe me, if I HAD a bill larger than $20, I wouldn't be eating here."