The Actual Headline
Funny Jokes Posted on Thursday, January 31, 2008 by Author @ 11:55 PM
Linda Burnett, 23, was visiting her in laws, and while there went to a nearby supermarket to pick up some groceries. Several people noticed her sitting in her car with the windows rolled up and with her eyes closed, with both hands behind the back of her head.One customer who had been at the store for a while became concerned and walked over to the car. He noticed that Linda's eyes were now open, and she looked very strange. He asked her if she was okay, and Linda replied that she'd been shot in the back of the head, and had been holding her brains in for over an hour.
The man called the paramedics, who broke into the car because the doors were locked and Linda refused to remove her hands from her head. When they finally got in, they found that Linda had a wad of bread dough on the back of her head.
A Pillsbury biscuit canister had exploded from the heat, making a loud noise that sounded like a gunshot, and the wad of dough hit her in the back of her head. When she reached back to find out what it was, she felt the dough and thought it was her brains. She initially passed out, but quickly recovered and tried to hold her brains in for over an hour until someone noticed and came to her aid.
And, yes, Linda is a blonde.
Joe's Date
Funny Jokes Posted on Wednesday, January 30, 2008 by Author @ 11:59 PM
Joe met a nice girl who worked for at carnival. They quickly became attracted to each other, and she invited Joe to her house.When he got there, he noticed a few strange things. First, he noticed that her hallway was filled with those "funny mirrors" that make you look tall and skinny, or short and fat.
He also noticed that her bedroom had many shelves of fluffy toys.
That was the last thing he noticed before she threw him on the bed. He screwed the ever-lovin' daylights out of her, and when he was done, he asked, "So,... how was it?"
And she said, "You can have anything from the bottom shelf, unless you want to try again and win something from the middle shelf!"
Ferrari in a Garage
Funny Jokes Posted on Tuesday, January 29, 2008 by Author @ 9:10 PM
One fine sunny day, Johnny and Susie were sitting on the sandbox playing, naked.Johnny and Susie was curious, why they have different *parts*.
So, Johnny went home, and asked :
" MUM! Why does Susie have a hole and I have a stick??"
His mum replies : " Susie has a garage, and you have a Ferrari. Men park their cars in the garage when they are ready. "
" Oh... "
Susie reached her house and asked her father:
" Papa, why does Johnny have a stick between his legs and I have a hole? "
" No, Susie, that is the Ferrari! Don't let him park his Ferrari in your garage! "
"Oka...y...y"
The next day, both of them were on the sandbox again, playing naked.
Johnny exclaimed : " Oh, Susie ,let me park my Ferrari! "
Susie replied : No! "
He insisted and even tried to park his Ferrari.
And after 10 minutes Susie went home.
" SUSIE! Why are there bloods on your hands! "
" Mom, Johnny tried to park his Ferrari, so I just pulled the back wheels off. "
Contributed By - Sharonn Gwee
What Does a Vagina Look Like?
Funny Jokes Posted on Monday, January 28, 2008 by Author @ 11:28 PM
Son:"Daddy, what does a vagina look like?"Father:"Well son, it's like a very pretty, delicate flower that must be plucked very gently."
Son: "Well what does it look like after you pluck it?"
Father: "Like a bulldog with a mouthful of mayonnaise."
Great Bar
Funny Jokes Posted on Sunday, January 27, 2008 by Author @ 10:26 PM
An Irishman, an Italian, and a Polish guy are in a bar. They are having a good time and all agree that the bar is a nice place.Then the Irishman says, "Aye, this is a nice bar, but where I come from, back in Dublin, there's a better one. At MacDougal's, you buy a drink, you buy another drink, and MacDougal himself will buy your third drink!"
The others agree that sounds like a nice place.
Then the Italian says, "Yeah, that's a nice bar, but where I come from, there's a better one. Over in Brooklyn, there's this place, Vinny's. At Vinny's, you buy a drink, Vinny buys you a drink. You buy anudda drink, Vinny buys you anudda drink."
Everyone agrees that sounds like a great bar.
Then the Polish guy says, "You think that's great? Where I come from, there's this place called Warshowski's. At Warshowski's, they buy you your first drink, they buy you your second drink, they buy you your third drink, and then, they take you in the back and get you laid!"
"Wow!" say the other two. "That's fantastic! Did that actually happen to you?"
"No," replies the Polish guy, "but it happened to my sister!"
Foreman
Funny Jokes Posted on Saturday, January 26, 2008 by Author @ 11:45 PM
One day, Uncle Joe got fired from his construction job. His nephew asked him what happened."You know what a foreman is?" he asked. "The one who stands around and watches the other men work?"
"What's that got to do with it?" he asked.
"Well, he just got jealous of me," Uncle Joe explained. "Everyone thought I was the foreman."
All I wanted in a girl
Funny Jokes Posted on Friday, January 25, 2008 by Author @ 12:50 PM
When I was 14, all I wanted was a girl with big tits.When I was 16, I dated a girl with big tits, but there was no passion. So I decided I needed a passionate girl with a zest for life.
In college, I dated a passionate girl, but she was too emotional. Everything was an emergency; she was a drama queen, cried all the time and threatened suicide. So I decided I needed a girl with some stability.
When I was 25, I found a very stable girl, but she was boring. She was totally predictable and never got excited about anything. Life became so dull that I decided I needed a girl with some excitement.
When I was 28, I found an exciting girl, but I couldn't keep up with her. She rushed from one thing to another, never settling on anything. She did mad, impetuous things and flirted with everyone she met. She made me miserable as often as happy. She was great fun initially and very energetic, but directionless. So I decided to find a girl with some ambition.
When I turned 31, I found a smart, ambitious girl with her feet planted firmly on the ground and married her. She was so ambitious that she divorced me and took everything I owned.
Now I am 42, and all I want is a girl with big tits.
Circulation of The Blood
Funny Jokes Posted on Thursday, January 24, 2008 by Author @ 12:12 PM
A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood. Trying to make the matter clearer, he said, "Now, boys, if I stood on my head the blood, as you know, would run into it, and I should turn red in the face.""Yes, sir," the boys said.
"Then why is it that while I am standing upright in the ordinary position the blood doesn't run into my feet?" A little fellow at the back shouted, "Cause yer feet ain't empty."
Rear Ended
Funny Jokes Posted on Wednesday, January 23, 2008 by Author @ 11:59 PM
A gay couple is driving along one afternoon, and while stopped at a stop sign, they are rear ended by a big semi. Furiously, the guy in the passenger side throws his purse on the seat, gets out of the car, goes back to the truck and starts banging on the door.The truck driver opens the door and the gay guy, standing there with his hands on his hips, says, "I'm gonna sue your ass, Buddy!"
The truck driver, laughs and says, "Suck my dick!"
The gay guy stands there for a second, then his eyes get really big and his face lights up. He runs back to the car, and says excitedly to his lover, "You won't believe it, he wants to settle out of court!"
Walls of Jericho
Funny Jokes Posted on Tuesday, January 22, 2008 by Author @ 11:55 PM
A church school supervisor asked little Johnny during Bible class who broke down the walls of Jericho. Little Johnny said, "I don't know, but it sure wasn't me!"The supervisor, taken aback by this lack of basic Bible knowledge, went to the school principal and related the whole incident.
The principal said, "Look, I know little Johnny and his entire family very well and can vouch for them. If little Johnny said that he did not do it, then I believe that it is the truth."
Even more appalled with the principals lack of Bible knowledge, the inspector went to the regional Head of Education and related the whole story.
After listening to the supervisor's story, he said, "I can't see why you are making such a big deal out of this; we'll get three quotations and get the darn wall fixed."
Someone In His Dream
Funny Jokes Posted on Monday, January 21, 2008 by Author @ 11:59 PM
Bill woke himself up with a loud "Hello!" to someone in his dream.As the next day came and went, Bill thought the nocturnal outburst was his alone to remember. But that night, as he and Anne were getting ready for bed, she said dryly, "If you see anyone you know tonight, just wave."
Second Opinion
Funny Jokes Posted on Sunday, January 20, 2008 by Author @ 8:24 PM
A man runs into the vet's office carrying his dog, screaming for help. The vet rushes him back to an examination room and has him put his dog down on the examination table. The vet examines the still, limp body and after a few moments tells the man that his dog, regrettably, is dead. The man, clearly agitated and not willing to accept this, demands a second opinion.The vet goes into the back room and comes out with a cat and puts the cat down next to the dog's body. The cat sniffs the body, walks from head to tail poking and sniffing the dog's body and finally looks at the vet and meows. The vet looks at the man and says, "I'm sorry, but the cat thinks that your dog is dead too."
The man is still unwilling to accept that his dog is dead.
The vet brings in a black Labrador. The lab sniffs the body, walks from head to tail, and finally looks at the vet and barks. The vet looks at the man and says, "I'm sorry, but the lab thinks your dog is dead too."
The man, finally resigned to the diagnosis, thanks the vet and asks how much he owes. The vet answers, "$650."
"$650 to tell me my dog is dead?" exclaimed the man....
"Well," the vet replies, "I would only have charged you $50 for my initial diagnosis. The additional $600 was for the cat scan and lab tests."
Motor Vehicle Bureau
Funny Jokes Posted on Saturday, January 19, 2008 by Author @ 11:41 PM
When I went to get my driver's license renewed, our local Motor Vehicle Bureau was packed.The line inched along for almost an hour until the man ahead of me finally got his license.
He inspected his photo for a moment and commented to the clerk, "I was standing in line so long, I ended up looking pretty grouchy in this picture."
The clerk looked at his picture closely, and reassured him, "It's okay. That's how you're going to look when the cops pull you over anyway."
Nothing But The Truth
Funny Jokes Posted on Friday, January 18, 2008 by Author @ 11:43 PM
Mr. Smith asked his wife for advice about his upcoming court case in which he could possibly win $50,000 from the insurance company. "Honey, if I lie, I'll win the case. But then I would have broken an oath sworn on the Holy Bible."His wife says, "I don't want to advise you to do the wrong thing, but . . ."
"But, what?"
"Let me put it this way," his wife explained. "Treat the prosecuting attorney like I treat you in bed."
Puzzled, Mr. Smith asks, "How so?"
Mrs. Smith replies, "Just lie there 'til he goes away."
False Teeth
Funny Jokes Posted on Thursday, January 17, 2008 by Author @ 10:04 PM
A dinner speaker was in such a hurry to get to his engagement that when he arrived and sat down at the head table, he suddenly realized that he had forgotten his false teeth.Turning to the man next to him he said, "I forgot my teeth!"
The man said, "No problem." With that he reached into his pocket and pulled out a pair of false teeth. "Try these," he said.
The speaker tried them. "Thanks, but they're too loose," he said.
The man then said, "I have another pair...try these."
The speaker tried them and responded, "Too tight."
The man was not taken back at all. He then said, "I have one more pair of false teeth...try them."
The speaker said, "They fit perfectly!" With that he ate his meal and gave his address.
After the dinner meeting was over, the speaker went over to thank the man who had helped him. "I want to thank you for coming to my aid. Where is your office? I've been looking for a good dentist."
The man replied, "I'm not a dentist. I work at the morgue.."
The General
Funny Jokes Posted on Wednesday, January 16, 2008 by Author @ 10:26 PM
The General went out to find that none of his G.I.s were there. One finally ran up, panting heavily. "Sorry, sir! I can explain, you see I had a date and it ran a little late. I ran to the bus but missed it, I hailed a cab but it broke down, found a farm, bought a horse but it dropped dead, ran 10 miles, and now I'm here."The General was very skeptical about this explanation but at least he was here so he let the G.I. go. Moments later, eight more G.I.s came up to the general panting, he asked them why they were late.
"Sorry, sir! We all had dates and they ran a little late, we ran to the bus but missed it, we hailed a cab but it broke down, found a farm, bought a horse but it dropped dead, ran 10 miles, and now we're here."
The General eyed them, feeling very skeptical but since he let the first guy go, he let them go, too.
A ninth G.I. jogged up to the General, panting heavily, "Sorry, sir! I had a date and it ran a little late, I ran to the bus but missed it, I hailed a cab but..."
"Let me guess," the General interrupted, "it broke down."
"No, sir" said the G.I., "there were so many dead horses in the road, it took forever to get around them."
Hippie and the Nun
Funny Jokes Posted on Tuesday, January 15, 2008 by Author @ 10:45 PM
A hippie on a city bus notices a young nun sitting across from him and at once finds himself very attracted to her. He moves to sit with her and after telling her that she is the most beautiful woman he has ever seen, he asks her to dinner.The nun declines, and the hippie proceeds to invite the nun for "perhaps a roll in the hay". The nun, of course, declines the offer and gets off at the next stop.
The hippie, offended and very disappointed, strikes up a conversation with the bus driver. The driver leans over and says to the hippie, "You really want that nun, huh?"
After the hippie nods emphatically and demonstrates his point with several lewd gestures, the driver grins and thinks for a moment.
"Well," he says, "Every Thursday at six PM she takes this bus to the local cemetery, where she prays for about an hour. You two could be alone there..."
The hippie grows excited as he thinks of a plan.
Thursday comes and the hippie waits by the entrance to the cemetery. Sure enough, at six PM he sees the nun enter and he quietly follows her. She stops and kneels by a headstone and clasps her hands in prayer.
The eager hippie opens his knapsack, and puts on his costume---a long flowing white robe and a bearded face mask. He tosses a handful of glitter at the nun and catching her attention, he steps slowly towards her.
"My child" he says in a soft voice, "It is I, your Lord. You have been such a faithful servant to me, I have come to reward you with a satisfying sexual experience."
The nun gasps, "Oh....Well, that is fine, but could you take me from behind? At least that way I could still consider myself a virgin. My vow of celibacy is important to me."
The hippie, eager to get going nods and takes the nun in his arms. He turns her around, bends her over, and performs anal sex until they are both pleasantly worn out.
After they are finished, the hippie pulls off his mask and shouts... "HAHA, I'M THE HIPPIE!!!"
to which the nun responds by taking off her mask and shouting... "HAHA, I'M THE BUS DRIVER!!!"
The Catch
Funny Jokes Posted on Monday, January 14, 2008 by Author @ 10:26 PM
A kind-hearted fellow was walking through Central Park in New York and was astonished to see an old man, fishing rod in hand, fishing over a beautiful bed of red roses."Tsk Tsk!" said the passerby to himself. "What a sad sight. That poor old man is fishing over a bed of flowers. I'll see if I can help." So the kind fellow walked up to the old man and asked,
"What are you doing, my friend?"
"Fishin', sir."
"Fishin', eh. Well how would you like to come have a drink with me?"
The old man stood put his rod away and followed the kind stranger to the corner bar. He ordered a large glass of vodka and a fine cigar.
His host, the kind fellow, felt good about helping the old man, and he asked, "Tell me, old friend, how many did you catch today?"
The old fellow took a long drag on the cigar, blew a careful smoke ring and replied, "You are the sixth today, sir!"
Prize
Funny Jokes Posted on Sunday, January 13, 2008 by Author @ 11:19 PM
There was this drunk that walked into a bar and sat down at the bar. To his right were three darts. The drunk said to the bartender. (hickup) What are these darts for.And the bartender replied: Well you see, if anybody can get three bulls eyes in a row they win a prize. The drunk picks up a dart and being very unstable he throws the first dart and falls off the stool. When he picks himself up he sees he made a bullseye. The bartender says: Oh that was a lucky throw. So the drunk picks up the second dart and being very unstable he throws the dart and falls off the stool again. After picking himself up he saw that he made another bullseye.
The bartender is very shaken because no one has ever made three bulls eyes in a row. So the drunk picks up the third dart and being very unstable, throws the dart and falls off the stool again.
After picking himself up he saw that he made the third bullseye and said: give me my prize. I won. Well, since no one has ever made three in a row he really did'nt know what to give to the drunk. So he looked around and saw that there was a large turtle in the fish tank, pick it up and gave it to the drunk.
About three weeks later the same drunk walked into the same bar and sat down on the same stool and told the bartender (hickup) Hey, I want to play that dart game again. The bartender said, Oh so you really think it wasn't luck the first time hey. The drunk said luck huh, I'll show you luck and picked up the first dart.
Being very unstable he threw the dart and fell off the stool on to the floor. After picking himself up he saw that he had made a bullseye. The bartender is shaken and thinks: is this guy lucky or am i just stupid. So the drunk picks up the second dart and being very unstable he throws it and falls off the stool onto the floor.
After picking himself up he saw that he made another bullseye. Now the bartender is really shaken because this guy is the only one that has ever made three in a row and just in case he does make the third he needs to start looking for something to give to him. The drunk picks up the third dart and being very unstable throws it and falls off the stool. After picking himself up off the floor he saw that he made another bullseye and said to the bartender: Give me my prize give me my prize, I won. Well the bartender really forgot what he gave the drunk the last time and didn't want to seem stupid in front of his friends so he said to the drunk: Look I forgot what I gave you the last time you were in here and I don't want to give you the same thing, can you kind of help me out and tell me what it was. And the drunk replied: (Hickup) A roast beef sandwich on a VERY hard roll.
Insurance Agent
Funny Jokes Posted on Saturday, January 12, 2008 by Author @ 11:53 AM
Morris walks into an insurance office and asks for a job."We don't need anyone" they replied.
"You can't afford not to hire me. I can sell anyone, anytime, anything!"
"Well we have two prospects that No One has been able to sell. If you can sell just one, you have a job."
He was gone about two hours, and returned and handed them two checks, one for $25,000.00 and another for $50,000.00.
"How in the world did you do that ?" they asked.
"I told you I'm the worlds best salesman, I can sell anyone, anywhere, anytime!"
"Did you get a urine sample?" they asked him.
"What's that?" he asked.
"Well, if you sell a policy over $20,000.00 the company requires a urine sample. Take these two bottles and go back and get urine samples."
Morris was gone about 6 hours and they were fixing to close when in he walks in with two five gallon buckets, one in each hand. He sets the buckets down, and reaches in his shirt pocket and produces two bottles of urine, and sets them on the desk and says "Here's Mr.Brown's and this one is Mr.Smith's."
"Thats good" they said, "but what's in those two buckets?"
"Well, I passed by the Holiday Inn and they were having a state teachers convention, so I stopped and sold them a group policy!"
When U have a tiff wif ur spouse...
Funny Jokes Posted on Friday, January 11, 2008 by Author @ 11:50 AM
It's 3am, and the man is driving his brand new BMW M3 CSL down the N1 at 240km/h. He's two minutes away from home when he sees a car on the side of the road, on its roof, and flames all around.There's no one else in the area, his cell phone reception is dead, so he stops his car. Sure enough, there's a beautiful woman in the car, but she's bleeding to death. The guy reckons "screw it" and rushes home to fetch a blanket. He gets back, puts the blanket on the back seat of his M3, and puts the woman on the blanket. He then rushes her to the hospital.
Six months she lies in the hospital, and he is with her every day and very night. He donates blood to keep her alive. Eventually, she recovers fully, and they get married.
Life is cool for a few years, until one day she gets fed up and decides to leave him. His love of money is obvious, and she feels like a trophy wife.
As she comes down the stairs, struggling with her two suitcases, she reach into her pocket for the keys to the Jaguar. Sure enough, he stops her before she reaches the door, and asks "What are you doing?" "I'm leaving you," she says. "Oh really, and how are you going to leave? The keys in your hand are for the Jaguar I paid for. It's my car. You're not taking it anywhere."
"Fine," she says, and throws the keys at him. "And those bulging suitcases?
The clothes you're wearing? Everything, I've paid for. They are my suitcases and my clothes. You're not taking them any where."
"Fine," she says, and throws the suitcases at him. She strips down completely and throws her clothes at him too. "And the blood in your body? I sat with you for six months in the hospital. You know half of the blood is mine. You're not going anywhere."
She whips out her tampon and says "I'll pay you back in monthly installments."
Kiss My Ass
Funny Jokes Posted on Thursday, January 10, 2008 by Author @ 11:45 PM
There was a married couple who were in a terrible accident. The woman's face was burned severely. The doctor told the husband they couldn't graft any skin from her body because she was so skinny. The husband then donated some of his skin...however, the only place suitable to the doctor was from his buttocks. The husband requested that no one be told of this, because after all,... this was a very delicate matter!After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the woman's new beauty. She looked more beautiful than she ever did before! All her friends and relatives just ranted and raved at her youthful beauty! She was alone with her husband one day & she wanted to thank him for what he did.
She said, "Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did for me! There is no way I could ever repay you!!!
He replied, "Oh don't worry, Honey, I get plenty thanks enough every time your mother comes over and kisses you on your cheek!!
Constipation
Funny Jokes Posted on Wednesday, January 09, 2008 by Author @ 11:01 PM
A construction worker goes to the doctor and says, "Doc, I'm constipated."The doctor examines him for a minute and then says, "Lean over the table."
The construction worker leans over the table, the doctor whacks him on the ass with a baseball bat, CRACK... and then sends him into the bathroom.
He comes out a few minutes later and says, "Doc, I feel great. What should I do to prevent constipation in the future?"
The doctor says, "Stop wiping with cement bags!"