Afternoon bike ride
Joke of the Day Posted on | December 11, 2008 | No Comments
It was Kelly and Patrick giving the motorcycle a ride on a brisk autumn day.
After a wee bit, Kelly who was sitt’n behind Patrick on the bike began to holler …”Patrick … Patrick … the wind is cutt’n me chest out!”
“Well, Kelly my lad,” said Patrick, “why don’t you take your jacket off and turn it from front to back … that’ll block the wind for you.”
So Kelly took Patrick’s advice and turned his jacket from front to back and got back on the bike and the two of them were off down the road again.
After a bit, Patrick turned to talk to Kelly and was horrified to see that he was not there. Patrick immediately turned the bike around and retraced their route.
When after a short time he came to a turn and saw a bunch of farmers standing around Kelly who was sitting on the ground. “T’anks be to heaven, is he alright?” Patrick hailed to the farmers.
“Well,” said one of the farmers, “he was alright when we found him here .. but since we turned his head back to front .. he hasn’t said a word since!”
Door to door salesman
Joke of the Day Posted on | December 10, 2008 | No Comments
A little old lady answered a knock on the door one day, only to be confronted by a well-dressed young man carrying a vacuum cleaner.
“Good morning,” said the young man. “If I could take a couple minutes of your time, I would like to demonstrate the very latest in high-powered vacuum cleaners.”
“&&** off!” said the old lady. “I haven’t got any money” and she tried to close the door.
Quick as a flash, the young man wedged his foot in the door and pushed it wide open.
“Don’t be too hasty!” he said. “Not until you have at least seen my demonstration.” And with that, he emptied a bucket of horse poop all over her hallway carpet.
“If this vacuum cleaner does not remove all traces of this horse poop from your carpet, Madam, I will personally eat the remainder.”
“Well,” she said, “I hope you’ve got a mighty good appetite, because the electricity was cut off this morning.”
Santa
Joke of the Day Posted on | December 9, 2008 | No Comments
One Christmas Eve, Santa Claus comes down the chimney and is startled by a beautiful 19 year old blonde. She asks “Santa, will you stay with me?”
Santa says, “Ho Ho Ho I gotta go, gotta go! I gotta deliver these toys to the children, y’know!”
She takes off her nightgown, and wearing only a bra and panties, she asks “Santa, now will you stay with me?”
Santa says, “Ho Ho Ho I gotta go, gotta go! I gotta deliver these toys to the children, y’know!”
She takes off everything and asks “Santa, now will you stay with me?”
Santa replies “Hey Hey Hey I gotta stay, gotta stay! I can’t get up the chimney with my dick this way!”
A Construction Worker’s Dog
Joke of the Day Posted on | December 8, 2008 | No Comments
Four workers were discussing how smart their dogs were.
The first was an engineer, who said his dog could do math with calculations. His dog was named T-Square, and he told him to get some paper and draw a square, a circle, and a triangle, which the dog did with no sweat.
The accountant said he thought his dog was better. This dog was named Slide Rule. He told him to fetch a dozen cookies, bring them back, and divide them into piles of three, which he did with no problem.
The chemist said that was good, but he felt his dog was better. His dog was named Measure. He was told to get a quart of milk and pour seven ounces into a ten-ounce glass. The dog did this with no problem.
All three of the men agreed this was very good, and their dogs were equally smart. They all turned to the construction worker and asked, “What can your dog do?
The construction worker called his dog, whose name was Coffee Break, and said, “Show these fellows what you can do!”
Coffee Break went over and ate the cookies, drank the milk, shit on the paper, screwed the other three dogs and claimed he injured his back. While doing so, filed a grievance for unsafe working conditions, applied for workman’s compensation and then clocked out early on sick leave.
In Trouble
Joke of the Day Posted on | December 7, 2008 | No Comments
Back in the old Wild West, there were two blond cowpokes, Jeff and Dave. One day, the two were enjoying a strong sasparilla in the local saloon, when a man walked into the bar with an Indian’s head under his arm.
The barman shakes his hand and says, “I hate Indians; last week the bastards burnt my barn to the ground, assaulted my wife and killed my children.” He then says, “If any man brings me the head of an Indian, I’ll give him one thousand dollars.”
The two blonds looked at each other and walked out of the bar to go hunting for an Indian. They were walking around for a while when suddenly they saw one; Jeff threw a rock which hit the Indian right on the head.
The Indian fell off his horse, but landed seventy feet down a ravine. The two nuts made their way down the ravine where Dave pulled out a knife to claim their trophy.
Suddenly, Jeff said, “Dave, take a look at this.” Dave replied, “Not now, I’m busy.”
Jeff tugged him on the shoulder and says, “I really think you should look at this.”
Dave said, “Look, you can see I’m busy. There’s a thousand dollars in my hand.”
But Jeff was adamant. “Please, Dave, take a look at this.”
So Dave looked up and saw that standing at the top of the ravine were five thousand red Indians.
Dave just shook his head and said, “Oh . . . my . . . God . . . we’re going to be millionaires!”
The Psychological Diagnosis
Joke of the Day Posted on | December 6, 2008 | No Comments
The psychology instructor had just finished a lecture on mental health and was giving an oral test.
Speaking about a specific condition, she asked, “How would you diagnose a patient who walks back and forth screaming at the top of his lungs one minute, then sits in a chair weeping uncontrollably the next?”
A young man in the rear raised his hand and answered, “A basketball coach?”
Funeral For A Friend
Joke of the Day Posted on | December 5, 2008 | No Comments
Little Tim was in the garden filling a hole when his neighbor peered over the fence. Interested in what the cheeky-faced youngster was up to, he politely asked, “What are you up to there, Tim?”
“My goldfish died,” replied Tim tearfully, without looking up, “and I’ve just buried him.”
The neighbor said, “That’s an awfully big hole for a goldfish, isn’t it Tim?”
Tim patted down the last heap of earth, and then replied, “That’s because he’s still inside your stupid cat.”
Sign Of Times
Joke of the Day Posted on | December 4, 2008 | No Comments
A man was sitting in a bar and noticed a group of people using sign language. He also noticed that the bartender was using sign language to speak to them.
When the bartender returned to him, the man asked how he had learned to use sign language. The bartender explained that these were regular customers and had taught him to speak in sign. The man thought that was great.
A few minutes later the man noticed that the people in the group were waving their hands around very wildly. The bartender looked over and signed “Now cut that out! I warned you!” and threw the group out of the bar.
The man asked why he had done that and the bartender said, “If I told them once I told them 100 times – NO SINGING IN THE BAR!”
Baseball Lover
Joke of the Day Posted on | December 3, 2008 | No Comments
Two buddies Bob and Earl were two of the biggest baseball fans in America. For their entire adult lives, Bob and Earl discussed baseball history in the winter and they pored over every box score during the season. They went to 60 games a year. They even agreed that whoever died first would try to come back and tell the other if there was baseball in heaven.
One fall night, Bob passed away in his sleep after watching the Yankees victory earlier in the evening. He died happy. A few nights later, his buddy Earl awoke to the sound of Bob’s voice from beyond. “Bob is that you?” Earl asked.
“Of course it me,” Bob replied.
“This is unbelievable!” Earl exclaimed. “So tell me, is there baseball in heaven?”
“Well I have some good news and some bad news for you. Which do you want to hear first?”
“Tell me the good news first.”
“Well, the good news is that, yes, there is baseball in heaven, Earl.”
“Oh, that is wonderful! So what could possibly be the bad news?”
“You’re pitching tomorrow night.”
What do you want to become when you grow up?
Joke of the Day Posted on | December 2, 2008 | 6 Comments
The teacher asked her class what each wanted to become when they grew up.
A chorus of responses came from all over the room.
“A football player,” said Jim.
“A doctor,” said Alfred.
“An astronaut,” said Suzy.
“The president,” said little Al. (Everyone laughed).
“A fireman,” said Fred.
“A teacher,” said Lisa.
“A race car driver.” said Mario.
Everyone that is, except Tommy.
The teacher noticed he was sitting there quiet and still. So she said to him, “Tommy, what do you want to be when you grow up?”
“Possible.” Tommy replied.
“Possible?” asked the teacher.
“Yes,” Tommy said. “My mom is always telling me I’m impossible. So when I get to be big, I want to be possible.”
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