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Identity Crisis

Joke of the Day Posted on | December 21, 2008 | 1 Comment

Late one night at the insane asylum, an inmate shouted, “I am Napoleon!”

Another one said, “How do you know?”

The first inmate said, “God told me!”

A voice from another room shouted, “I did not!”

That Time Of The Month

Joke of the Day Posted on | December 20, 2008 | No Comments

One night, a guy walked into a bar and asked the bartender for a
drink. Then he asked for another. After a couple more drinks,
the bartender got worried.

“What’s the matter?” the bartender asked.

“My wife and I got into a fight,” explained the guy, “and she
vowed not to talk to me for 31 days . . .”

He took another drink, and said, “And tonight is the last night.”

Butcher Money Where Your Mouth is

Joke of the Day Posted on | December 19, 2008 | No Comments

A butcher in his shop, and he’s real busy, and he notices a dog in the shop. He shoos him away. But later, he notices the dog is back again. So he goes over to the dog, and notices he has a note in his mouth. He takes the note, and it reads, “Can I have 12 sausages and a leg of lamb, please. The dog has money in his mouth, as well.” The butcher looks inside and, lo and behold, there is a ten dollar bill there.

So he takes the money, and puts the sausages and lamb in a bag, placing it in the dog’s mouth. The butcher is well impressed, and since it’s close to closing time, he decides to shut up shop and follow the dog. So off he goes. The dog is walking down the street, when he comes to a level crossing. The dog puts down the bag, jumps up and presses the button. Then he waits patiently, bag in mouth, for the lights to turn. They do, and he walks across the road, with the butcher following him all the way.

The dog then comes to a bus stop, and starts looking at the timetable. The butcher is in awe at this stage. The dog checks out the times, and then sits on one of the seats provided. Along comes a bus. The dog walks around to the front, looks at the number, and goes back to his seat. Another bus comes. Again the dog goes and looks at the number, notices it’s the right bus, and climbs on. The butcher, by now open-mouthed, follows him onto the bus. The bus travels through the town and out into the suburbs, the dog looking at the scenery. Eventually he gets up, and moves to the front of the bus. He stands on 2 back paws and pushes the button to stop the bus.

Then he gets off, his groceries still in his mouth. Well, dog and butcher are walking along the road, and then the dog turns into a house. He walks up the path, and drops the groceries on the step. Then he walks back down the path, takes a big run, and throws himself -Whap!- against the door. He goes back down the path, runs up to the door and -Whap!- throws himself against it again. There’s no answer at the house, so the dog goes back down the path, jumps up on a narrow wall, and walks along the perimeter of the garden.

He gets to the window, and beats his head against it several times, walks back, jumps off, and waits at the door. The butcher watches as a big guy opens the door, and starts laying into the dog. Kicking him, punching him, and swearing at him. The butcher runs up, and stops the guy. “What the hell are you doing? The dog is a genius. He could be on TV, for Roc’s sake!”, to which the guy responds “Clever, my eye. This is the second time this week that he’s forgotten his key.”

Inspecting Dead Bodies

Joke of the Day Posted on | December 18, 2008 | No Comments

Three dead bodies turn up at the mortuary, all with very big smiles on their faces. The coroner calls the police to show them what has happened.

A Detective Inspector is sent and is taken straight to the first body. “Englishman, 60, died of heart failure whilst making love to his mistress. Hence the enormous smile Inspector”, says the Coroner.

The DI is taken to the second dead man.

“Scotsman, 25, won a thousand pounds on the lottery, spent it all on whisky. Died of alcohol poisoning, hence the smile.”

“Nothing unusual here”, thinks the DI, and asks to be shown the last body.

“Ah,” says the coroner, “this is the most unusual one. Irishman, 30, struck by lightning.

“Why is he smiling then?” inquires the Inspector.

To which the coroner replies : “Thought he was having his picture taken”.

Two Lovers

Joke of the Day Posted on | December 17, 2008 | No Comments

There were two lovers, who were really into spiritualism and reincarnation. They vowed that if either died, the other one remaining would try to contact the partner in the other world exactly 30 days after their death.

Unfortunately, a few weeks later, the young man died in a car wreck. True to her word, his sweetheart tried to contact him in the spirit world exactly 30 days later.

At the seance, she called out, “John, John, this is Martha. Do you hear me?”
A ghostly voice answered her, “Yes Martha, this is John. I can hear you.” Martha tearfully asked, “Oh John, what is it like where you are?” “It’s beautiful. There are azure skies, a soft breeze, sunshine most of the time.”

“What do you do all day?” asked Martha. “Well, Martha, we get up before sunrise, eat some good breakfast, and there’s nothing but making love until noon. After lunch, we nap until two and then make love again until about five. After dinner, we go at it again until we fall asleep about 11 p.m.”

Martha was somewhat taken aback. “Is that what heaven really is like?” “Heaven? I’m not in heaven, Martha.” “Well, then, where are you?” “I’m a rabbit in Arizona.”

Contempting Proposition

Joke of the Day Posted on | December 16, 2008 | No Comments

A New York man was forced to take a day off from work to appear for a minor traffic summons. He grew increasingly restless as he waited hour after endless hour for his case to be heard.

When his name was called late in the afternoon, he stood before the judge only to hear that court would be adjourned for the next day and he would have to return.

“What for?” he snapped at the judge.

His Honor, equally irked by a tedious day and the sharp query, roared, “Twenty dollars contempt of court. That’s what for!”

Then, noticing the man checking his wallet, the judge said, “It’s all right. You don’t have to pay now.”

The young man replied, “I’m just seeing if I have enough for two more words!”

A Lesson From Dad…

Joke of the Day Posted on | December 15, 2008 | No Comments

A young man comes home and says “Dad, just got my driver’s license and would like to use the family car.”

Father replies, “O.K., son. But, first, you have to get good grades in school, keep your room clean, make the yard is neat, and cut your hair. Come back in a few months and then we’ll see.”

Well, several months pass and the young man comes into the house with his report card in his hand. “Dad, I got great marks on my report card. I’ve been keeping my room as neat as a pin, and the yard is always ship-shape. How about letting me use the car?”

Father replies, “That’s all true, but son you didn’t cut your hair.”

Son says, “But, dad, Jesus had long hair.”

Father replies, “Yes, son, you’re perfectly right. And he walked everywhere he went.”

Road Trip

Joke of the Day Posted on | December 14, 2008 | No Comments

One afternoon, this guy drives down a highway to visit a nearby lake and relax. On his way to the lake, a guy dressed from head to toe in red standing on the side of the highway gestures for him to stop.

The first guy rolls down the window and says, “How can I help you?”

“I am the red jerk of the highway. You got something to eat?”

With a smile in his face, the first guy hands a sandwich to the guy in red and drives away. Not even five minutes later, he comes across another guy. This guy is dressed fully in yellow, standing on the side and waving for him to stop.

A bit irritated, our guy stops, cranks down the window, and says, “What can I do for you?”

“I am the yellow jerk of the highway. You got something to drink?”

Hardly managing to smile this time, he hands the guy a can of Coke and stomps on the pedal and takes off again. In order to make it to the lakeside before sunset, he decides to go faster and not to stop no matter what.

To his frustration, he sees another guy on the side of the road, this one dressed in blue and signaling for him to stop. Reluctantly, our guy decides to stop one last time, rolls down his window, and yells, “Let me guess. You’re the blue jerk of the highway, and just what the hell do you wanna have?”

“Driver’s license and registration, please.”

Shirley You Can’t Be Serious

Joke of the Day Posted on | December 13, 2008 | No Comments

“That wife of mine is a liar,” said the angry husband to a sympathetic pal seated next to him at the bar.

“How do you know?” the friend asked.

“She didn’t come home last night, and when I asked her where she’d been, she said that she had spent the night with her sister, Shirley. And I know that’s a lie because I spent the night with her sister, Shirley.”

Nice Day For A White Wedding

Joke of the Day Posted on | December 12, 2008 | No Comments

Attending a wedding for the first time, a little girl whispered to her mother, “Why is the bride dressed in white?”

“Because white is the color of happiness, and today is the happiest day of her life,” her mother explained, keeping it simple.

The child thought for a moment and said, “So why is the groom wearing black?”

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