Joke of the Day : Joke Diary

Joke of the Day For Everybody

Grave Concern

Joke of the Day Posted on | December 31, 2008 | No Comments

A former friend of mine was married to a great gal; unfortunately, he had to put up with his wife’s mother who was a very cranky and spiteful person. In the morning when my buddy got up to go to work, his mother-in-law would sneak around a hallway corner and hiss at him, “If you don’t treat my daughter right when I die I’ll dig up from the grave and haunt you!”

When the poor guy would stop in for lunch, his mother-in-law would blurt out while hiding behind a drape, “If you don’t treat my daughter right when I die, I’ll dig up from the grave and haunt you. Alas, in the evening while having a well-deserved cocktail, my friend’s mother-in-law would pop up from behind the bar and say, “If you don’t treat my daughter right when I die, I’ll dig up from the grave and haunt you.”

Well, I happened to bump into my buddy a month ago and while having a beer I asked him how his mother-in-law was feeling. He said, “She isn’t feeling anything; she died two months ago!” I quickly asked him if he was worried about her ominous threat? He said, “Heck, no! I buried her face down; let her dig; I don’t care!”

The Scuba Dive

Joke of the Day Posted on | December 30, 2008 | No Comments

After retiring from his very lucrative job in the music business, Kreutzmann decided to learn to scuba dive. He spent thousands of dollars for lessons, then spent thousands more for the finest suits, tanks, masks, and other related gear. After he bought a boat and sailed to Hawaii, he felt a surge of pride as he went down into the water. Photographing the coral and the fish and using a waterproof pen and pad to make notes, he was surprised to find a man swimming several dozen feet below him with no equipment at all.

Outraged, Kreutzmann flippered over and tapped the man on the shoulder and wrote on his pad, “I spend thousands on scuba diving and here you are in bathing suit. What gives?”
The man took the pad and pen and wrote, “I’m drowning, you idiot.”

The Ranger

Joke of the Day Posted on | December 29, 2008 | No Comments

A Indian was traveling back to his home when he came upon a small house on a big ranch. After the usual greetings and a bit of tobacco smoking on the porch, the Indian asked the Rancher, “Is that your dog?”

The Rancher replied, “Yup.”

“Mind if I talk to him?” asked the Indian.

“Don’t you know dogs don’t talk?” laughed the Rancher.

The Indian replied, “So what’s the harm? May I?”

“Go right ahead,” said the Rancher, shaking his head.

The Indian said to the dog, “Howdy!” The dog replied,”Hello.”

The Rancher almost fell off his chair. The Indian continued, “Is this your master?”

“Yep, he sure is.”

“Does he treat you alright?”

“Sure does. Every day he takes me for a walk, he feeds me all kinds of great food, and once a week he takes me to the lake to play.”

The Rancher was amazed.

The Indian said to the Rancher, “Is that your horse over there?”

“Yes.”

“Do you mind if I talk to him?

The Rancher replied, “I know the dog spoke to you, but I know for a fact that horses can’t talk.”

“Well, then what would it hurt?”

“Go right ahead.

The Indian said to the horse, “Hello.”

The horse replied, “Hello.” The Rancher stood there with his jaw wide open.

The Indian asked, “Is that your owner?”

“Yup, sure is.”

“He treat you okay?”

“Sure, he rides me every day, brushes me down at the end of the day, and he keeps me in the barn out of the bad weather.”

“Sounds good.”

The Indian then asked the Rancher, “Are those your sheep over there?”

The Rancher stammers, “Them sheep out there, they’re nothing but a bunch of damn liars!”

Letter Home From School

Joke of the Day Posted on | December 28, 2008 | No Comments

Dear Dad,

$chool i$ really great. I am making lot$ of friend$ and $tudying very hard. With all my $tuff, I $imply can’t think of anything I need, $o if you would like, you can ju$t $end me a card, a$ I would love to hear from you.

Love, Your $on.

Reply from dad…

Dear Son,

I kNOw that astroNOmy, ecoNOmics, and oceaNOgraphy are eNOugh to keep even an hoNOr student busy. Do NOt forget that the pursuit of kNOwledge is a NOble task, and you can never study eNOugh.

Love, Dad

Ground Horn of a Rhino

Joke of the Day Posted on | December 27, 2008 | No Comments

In India, the ground horn of a rhino is reputed to be a powerful aphrodisiac. A very rich older Indian gentleman went to his local apothecary to get some of this stuff.

He explained that he was expecting three beautiful women for an evening and night of “entertainment” and he wanted to be able to keep up, as it were.

He asked for a pound of ground rhino horn powder to increase his libido. The apothecary proprietor gasped and remarked that it took just a fraction of that amount to get the desired results and that it was very expensive.

“Price is no object,” said the man, “Wrap it up. I want to take no chances.”

The next day, this same man came into the apothecary, hardly recognizable. His eyes were bloodshot, his face flushed, his back and shoulders stooped, and his hands shaking as he made his way to the counter. The proprietor was quite taken aback.

“My God, man, you look AWFUL! What on earth happened to you?”

The man replied, unzipping his pants, “You think I look awful – take a look at this!”

He pulled out his penis which was raw and bleeding.

“I came here for some Ben-Gay.” he said.

The proprietor was horrified.

“If you put Ben-Gay on that, it will burn like a thousand fires!”

The man hastily replied,

“Oh it’s not for my penis – it’s for my arm. The girls never showed up.”

Stutter

Joke of the Day Posted on | December 26, 2008 | No Comments

A guy walks into the doctor’s office and says,

“DDDDDoc, I’ve bbbeen stut-stuttterrrering for Ye-yeears, and IIII’m tired of it. Ca-ca-caan yoooou hellllp me?”

The doc says, “Well, I’ll have to examine you to see what’s going on.”

So he examines him, and says, “Well I think I know what the problem is.”

The guy asks, “We-we-well wwwhat is it, dddoc?

The doctor replies, “Well, it’s your penis, it’s about a foot long and all the down pressure is putting strain on your vocal cords.”

The guy asks, “Wwwhaat ca-can we dddo?”

The doctor says, “Well, I can cut it off and transplant a shorter one.”

The guy replies, “DDDDDoooo it!”

The guy has the operation and three weeks later, he comes back into the doctor’s office and says,

“Doc, you solved the problem and I don’t stutter anymore, but I’ve only had sex once in the past three weeks. My wife doesn’t like it anymore. She liked it better with my long one. I don’t care if I have to stutter, I want you to put my long one back on.”

The doctor says, “NNNNope a ddddeal’s aaa dddddeal!!!

You Probably Wouldn’t Want to Hear This…

Joke of the Day Posted on | December 25, 2008 | No Comments

Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking.

If you look out of the window on the port, or left, side of the aircraft you will see that the inner engine is on fire just below the fuel tanks in the wing. If you look out at the starboard, or right, wing you will observe that a widening crack has developed at the wing root, making it unlikely that the wing will remain attached to the fuselage.

If you look down at the surface of the sea over which the aircraft is flying, you will notice a small orange dot. This is a life-raft. In it are your co-pilot, your flight engineer and myself.

This has been a recorded announcement.”

20 Years

Joke of the Day Posted on | December 24, 2008 | No Comments

A woman awoke during the night to find that her husband Bill was not in bed. She put on her robe and went downstairs.

Bill was sitting at the kitchen table with a cup of coffee in front of him. He appeared to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall. She saw Bill wipe a tear from his eye and take a sip of his coffee.

What’s the matter dear? Why are you down here at this time of night?” she asked.

“Do you remember twenty years ago when we were dating, and you were only 16?” Bill asked.

“Yes, I do,” she replied.

“Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car making love?”

“Yes, I remember.”

“Do you remember when he shoved that shotgun in my face and said, “Either you marry my daughter, or spend twenty years in jail?”

“Yes, I do,” she said.

Bill wiped another tear from his cheek and said, “You know . . .
I would have gotten out today.”

A Flea Joke

Joke of the Day Posted on | December 23, 2008 | 1 Comment

A flea had oiled up his little flea legs and his little flea arms, had spread out his blanket, and was proceeding to soak up the Miami sun when who should stumble by on the beach but an old flea friend of his.

“Oscar, what happened to you?”, asked the flea, because Oscar looked terrible, wrapped up in a blanket, his nose running, his eyes red, and his teeth chattering.

“I got a ride down here in some guy’s mustache and he came down here by motorcycle. I nearly froze my nuts off,” wheezed Oscar.

“Let me give you a tip, old pal,” said the first flea, spreading some more suntan oil on his shoulders. “You go to the stewardess lounge at the airport, see, and you get up on the toilet seat, and when an Air Florida stewardess comes in to take a leak, you hop on for a nice warm ride. Got it?”

So you can imagine the flea’s surprise when, a month or so later, while stretched out all warm and comfortable on the beach, who should he see but Oscar – looking more chilled and miserable than before.

“Listen,” said Oscar, “I did everything you said. I made it to the stewardess lounge and waited till a really cute one came in, and made a perfect landing and got so warm and cozy that I dozed right off.”

“And so?” asked the first flea.

“And so the next thing I know, I’m on this guy’s mustache again!”

General Nuisance

Joke of the Day Posted on | December 22, 2008 | 1 Comment

As a crowded airliner is about to take off, the peace is shattered by a 5-year-old boy who picks that moment to throw a wild temper tantrum. No matter what his frustrated, embarrassed mother does to try to calm him down, the boy continues to scream furiously and kick the seats around him.

Suddenly, from the rear of the plane, an elderly man in the uniform of an Air Force General is seen slowly walking forward up the aisle. Stopping the flustered mother with an upraised hand, the white-haired, courtly, soft-spoken General leans down and, motioning toward his chest, whispers something into the boy’s ear.

Instantly, the boy calms down, gently takes his mother’s hand, and quietly fastens his seat belt. All the other passengers burst into spontaneous applause.

As the General slowly makes his way back to his seat, one of the cabin attendants touches his sleeve. “Excuse me, General,” she asks quietly, “but could I ask you what magic words you used on that little boy?”

The old man smiles serenely and gently confides, “I showed him my pilot’s wings, service stars, and battle ribbons, and explained that they entitle me to throw one passenger out the plane door on any flight I choose.”

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