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Drunkard in Court

Joke of the Day Posted on | November 20, 2008 | No Comments

A drunkard was brought to court. Just before the trial there was a commotion in the gallery.
The judge pounded the gravel on his table and shouted,”Order! Order!”
The drunkard immediately responded, “Thank you, your honour, I’ll have a scotch and soda.”

My Toddler

Joke of the Day Posted on | November 19, 2008 | No Comments

While in line at the bank one afternoon, my toddler decided to release some pent-up energy and ran amok. I was finally able to grab hold of her after receiving looks of disgust and annoyance from other patrons.

I told her that if she did not start behaving “right now”, she would be punished.

To my horror, she looked me in the eye and said in a voice just as threatening, “If you don’t let me go right now, I will tell Grandma that I saw you kissing Daddy’s pee-pee last night!”

The silence was deafening after this enlightening exchange. Even the tellers stopped what they were doing. I mustered up the last of my dignity and walked out of the bank with my daughter in tow. The last thing I heard when the door closed behind me were screams of laughter.

Surprise Birthday Party

Joke of the Day Posted on | November 18, 2008 | No Comments

It was the day before my eighteenth birthday. I was living at home, but my parents had gone out for the evening, so I invited my girlfriend over for a romantic night alone. As we lay in bed after making love, we heard the telephone ring downstairs. I suggested to my girlfriend that I give her a piggyback ride to the phone.

Since we didn’t want to miss the call, we didn’t have time to get dressed.

When we got to the bottom of the stairs, the lights suddenly came on and a whole crowd of people yelled,”SURPRISE!!!”

My entire family, aunts, uncles, Grandparents, cousins and all my friends were standing there.

My girlfriend and I were frozen in a state of shock and embarrassment for what seemed like an eternity. Since then, no one in my family has planned a surprise party again.

Have that ever Happen to you?

Joke of the Day Posted on | November 17, 2008 | No Comments

This happened about ten years ago. At the time I was dating a model, and she had just come from an all day photo shoot, and she was hungry, so went to Taco Bell to get something to eat.

She was still in her outfit, and she was wearing those “dolphin” shorts that don’t leave much to the imagination. So while she was busy looking at the menu, I was standing behind her checking out what I had that everybody else wanted… and I noticed a white string hanging from her black shorts.

So me being the good guy that I am, I reached down and yanked on the string, and all of a sudden she screamed out loud and doubled over in pain. Everybody in the place turned around and looked at me like I had hit her. It turned out that it was that time of the month, and the string was from her tampon! Talk about making an ass out of yourself in public!

Slow Turtle

Joke of the Day Posted on | November 16, 2008 | No Comments

A turtle was walking down an alley in New York when he was mugged by a gang of snails. A police detective came to investigate and asked the turtle if he could explain what happened. The turtle looked at the detective with a confused look on his face and replied “I don’t know, it all happened so fast.”

Bar Jokes

Joke of the Day Posted on | November 15, 2008 | No Comments

Two weasels are sitting on a bar stool. One starts to insult the other one.
He screams, “I slept with your mother!”
The bar gets quiet as everyone listens to see what the other weasel will do.
The first again yells, “I SLEPT WITH YOUR MOTHER!”
The other says, “Go home dad you’re drunk.”

Fire Fighter

Joke of the Day Posted on | November 14, 2008 | 1 Comment

I have been a firefighter for a little over a year now. A couple of months ago, while I was still very new at the station, we got a call for a house fire.

When we got there, we didn’t know if the house was empty or not, so we went inside. The first thing we always do is check for kid’s shoes. If we find any, we start looking for kids in the house.

To my horror, there were two small pairs of sneakers right by the front door. It was my first call involving kids possibly stuck in a burning house. I was deeply disturbed and I wanted to do everything I could to find them.

The smoke was very thick and with all my gear on, I could hardly hear any sounds coming from the house. I went upstairs and found a kid’s room.

Since I couldn’t see anything, I started to feel the inside of the bed. Suddenly, my hand fell on something that was shaking. I yelled “I found a kid!”

I was very excited and very proud, until I took the “kid” rush out of the house and realized that it the kids in my arms is, a “Tickle Me Elmo” dolls.

Needless to say I am still teased about that. I will probably be teased about that forever, especially when I’ll have to explain where that new nickname “Elmo” comes from!

Holy Killer

Joke of the Day Posted on | November 13, 2008 | 1 Comment

A burglar broke into the house of a Quaker in the middle of the night and started to rob it. The Quaker heard the noise and went downstairs with his shotgun.

When he found the burglar he pointed his gun at him and said gently, “Friend, I mean thee no harm, but thou standest where I am about to shoot!”

A Man And His Money

Joke of the Day Posted on | November 12, 2008 | No Comments

There was a man who had worked all of his life and had saved all of his money and was a real miser when it came to his money.

He loved money more than just about anything.

Just before he died, he said to his wife, “Now listen. When I die, I want you to take all my money and put it in the casket with me. I want to take my money to the afterlife with me.

He made her promise with all her heart that when he died, she would put all of the money in the casket with him.

Well, he died. He was stretched out in the casket, his wife was sitting there in black, and her friend was sitting next to her.

When they finished the ceremony, just before the undertakers got ready to close the casket, the wife said, “Wait just a minute!’ She had a box with her, she came over with the box and put it in the casket.

Then the undertakers locked the casket down, and they rolled it away. So her friend said, “Girl, I know you weren’t fool enough to put all that money in there with your husband!”

She said, “Listen, I’m a Christian. I can’t go back on my word. I promised him that I was gonna put that money in that casket with him.

“You mean to tell me you really put that money in the casket with him!?

“I sure did,” said the wife. “I wrote him a check.”

Never Underestimate The Intelligence of a Woman.

Airlines Acronyms

Joke of the Day Posted on | November 11, 2008 | No Comments

Alitalia: Airplane Landed In Tokyo And Luggage In Atlanta
American: Airline Meals Eaten Regularly Induces Cramps and Nausea
Delta: Don’t Ever Leave The Airport
El Al: Every Landing Always Late
Olympic: Onassis Likes Your Money Paid In Cash
Sabena: Such A Bad Experience – Never Again
TWA: That Was Awful

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