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Ah Beng’s Liver & Cheese

Joke of the Day Posted on | November 30, 2008 | 1 Comment

There were these three guys at a cafe, drinking their coffee – a black guy, an American guy and an Ah Beng.

They see a really attractive waitress and comment on her good looks. Next thing you know they start making bets on who can get her to go out with them first.

The waitress overhears them, and she goes up to them and says, “Hey, I heard you talking about me. Well, I like an intelligent guy, so let’s see who can make the best sentence using the words ‘liver’ and ‘cheese’.”

So the black guy goes, “That’s easy. I love liver and I hate cheese.” The waitress shakes her head in disgust.

The American guy goes, “Well, I hate liver and I love cheese.” The waitress says, “That is so stupid. That’s essentially the same thing!”

Then the Ah Beng steps up and puts his arm around the waitress’ waist. “Liver alone, cheese mine!” ( leave her alone, she is mine ) !!!

Divorce

Joke of the Day Posted on | November 29, 2008 | 3 Comments

A married couple is driving down the interstate doing 55 mph. The husband is behind the wheel. His wife looks over at him and says, “Honey, I know we’ve been married for 15 years, but, I want a divorce.”

The husband says nothing but slowly increases speed to 60 mph.

She then says, “I don’t want you to try to talk me out of it, because I’ve been having an affair with your best friend, and he’s a better lover than you.”

Again the husband stays quiet and just speeds up as he clenches his hands on the wheels.

She says, “I want the house.” Again the husband speeds up, and now is doing 70 mph.

She says, “I want the kids too.” The husband just keeps driving faster, and faster, until he’s up to 80 mph.

She says, “I want the car, the checking account, and all the credit cards too.” The husband slowly starts to veer toward a bridge overpass piling, as she says, “Is there anything you want?”

The husband says, “No, I’ve got everything I need right here.”

She asks, “What’s that?”

The husband replies just before they hit the wall at 90 mph, “I’ve got the airbag!”

Very Taxing Relationship

Joke of the Day Posted on | November 28, 2008 | 1 Comment

A man walked out into the street in New York, and managed to flag down a taxi just driving by.

He got into the taxi, and the cabbie said, ” Perfect timing. You’re just like Dave.”

The passenger said, “Who?”

The cabbie said, “Dave Bronson. Now there’s a guy who did everything right. Like my coming along just when you needed a cab. It would have happened like that to Dave.”

The rider said, “Well, nobody’s perfect.”

The cabbie said, “Dave was. He was a terrific athlete. He could have gone on the pro tour in golf. He could have played tennis with the best pros. He sang like an opera baritone, and danced like a Broadway star. He had a memory like a trap. Could remember everybody’s birthday. He could fix anything, not like me. If I change even a fuse, I black out the whole neighborhood.”

The rider said, “No wonder you remember him.”

The cabbie said, “Well, no I never actually met Dave.”

The rider asked, “Then how do you know so much about him?”

The cabbie exclaimed, ” I married his widow!”

Eagle’s Rock African Safari (Zoo)

Joke of the Day Posted on | November 27, 2008 | 1 Comment

A Vermont native, Ronald Demuth, found himself in a difficult position yesterday. While touring the Eagle’s Rock African Safari (Zoo) with a group of thespians from St. Petersburg, Russia, Mr. Demuth went overboard to show them one of America’s many marvels. He demonstrated the effectiveness of “Crazy Glue”… the hard way.

Apparently, Mr. Demuth wanted to demonstrate just how good the adhesive was, so he put about 3 ounces of the adhesive in the palms of his hands, and jokingly placed them on the buttocks of a passing rhino. The rhino, a resident of the zoo for the past thirteen years, was not initially startled as it has been part of the petting exhibit since its arrival as a baby.

However, once it became aware of its being involuntarily stuck to Mr. Demuth, it began to panic and ran around the petting area wildly making Mr. Demuth an unintended passenger.

“Sally [the rhino] hasn’t been feeling well lately. She had been very constipated. We had just given her a laxative and some depressants to relax her bowels, when Mr. Demuth played his juvenile prank,” said James Douglass, caretaker. During Sally’s tirade two fences were destroyed, a shed wall was gored, and a number of small animals escaped. Also, during the stampede, three pygmy goats and one duck were stomped to death.

As for Demuth, it took a team of medics and zoo caretakers’ to remove his hands from her buttocks. First, the animal had to be captured and calmed down. However, during this process the laxatives began to take hold and Mr. Demuth was repeatedly showered with over 30 gallons of rhino diarrhea. “It was tricky. We had to calm her down, while at the same time shield our faces from being pelted with rhino dung. I guess you could say that Mr. Demuth was into it up to his neck. Once she was under control, we had three people with shovels working to keep an air passage open for Mr. Demuth. We were able to tranquilize her and apply a solvent to remove his hands from her rear,” said Douglass. “I don’t think he’ll be playing with Crazy Glue for a while.”

Meanwhile, the Russians, while obviously amused, also were impressed with the power of the adhesive. “I’m going to buy some for my children, but of course they can’t take it to the zoo,” commented Vladimir Zolnikov, leader of the troupe.

Blind Salesman

Joke of the Day Posted on | November 26, 2008 | 1 Comment

A woman goes into Wal-Mart to buy a rod and reel. She doesn’t know what type to get so she just grabs one and takes it to a register manned by a Wal-Mart “associate” wearing dark shades.

The woman says, “Excuse me, sir, can you tell me anything about this rod and reel?”

He says, “Ma’am, I’m blind but if you will drop it on the counter I can tell you everything you need to know about it from the sound that it makes.”

She doesn’t believe him, but drops it on the counter anyway.

He says, “That’s a 6′ graphite rod with a Zebco 202 reel and 10 lb. test line. It’s a good all-around rod and reel, and it costs $20.00”.

She says, “That’s amazing! You can tell all that just by the sound of it dropping on the counter. I think it’s what I’m looking for — so I’ll take it.”

As the blind man begins to ring up the sale, the woman loudly passes gas. At first, she’s embarrassed, but realizes there’s no way he could tell it was her because he’s blind and wouldn’t know she was the only person around.

He rings up the sale, and says, “That will be $25.50.”

She replies, “I thought you said it was only $20.00?”

He says, “Yes ma’am, $20.00 for the rod and reel, but the duck call is $3.00, and the stink bait is $2.50.”

The Grounded Conductor

Joke of the Day Posted on | November 25, 2008 | No Comments

Tom is applying for a job as a signalman for the local railroad and is told to meet the inspector at the signal box.

The inspector decides to give Tom a pop quiz, asking: “What would you do if you realized that two trains were heading towards each other on the same track?”

Tom says: “I would switch one train to another track.”

“What if the lever broke?” asks the inspector.

“Then I’d run down to the tracks and use the manual lever down there”, answers Tom.

“What if that had been struck by lightning?” challenges the inspector.

“Then,” Tom continued, “I’d run back up here and use the phone to call the next signal box.”

“What if the phone was busy?”

“In that case,” Tom argued, “I’d run to the street level and use the public phone near the station”.

“What if that had been vandalized?”

“Oh well,” said Tom, “in that case I would run into town and get my Uncle Leo”.

This puzzled the inspector, so he asked, “Why would you do that?”

“Because he’s never seen a train crash.”

Hounded Out

Joke of the Day Posted on | November 24, 2008 | No Comments

Upon entering a little country store, a stranger noticed a sign reading, “Danger! Beware of Dog” posted on the glass door. Inside, he noticed a harmless old hound dog asleep on the floor besides the cash register.

He asked the store manager, “Is that the dog folks are supposed to beware of?”

“Yep, that’s him,” he replied.

The stranger couldn’t help but be amused. “That certainly doesn’t look like a dangerous dog to me. Why in the world would you post that sign?”

“Because,” the owner replied, “before I posted that sign, people kept tripping over him.”

Fool’s Paradise

Joke of the Day Posted on | November 23, 2008 | No Comments

“If there are any idiots in the room, will they please stand up,” said the sarcastic teacher. After a long silence, one freshman rose to his feet.

“Now then mister, why do you consider yourself an idiot?” inquired the teacher with a sneer.

“Well, actually I don’t,” said the student, “but I hate to see you standing up there all by yourself.”

What’s WRONG with me

Joke of the Day Posted on | November 22, 2008 | No Comments

This woman rushed to see her doctor, looking very much worried and all strung out. She rattles off: “Doctor, take a look at me.
When I woke up this morning, I looked at myself in the mirror and saw my hair all wiry and frazzled up, my skin was all wrinkled and pasty, my eyes were bloodshot and bugging out, and I had this corpse-like look on my face!
What’s WRONG with me, Doctor?”
The doctor looks her over for a couple of minutes, then calmly says: “Well, I can tell you that there ain’t nothing wrong with your eyesight….”

Branded Panties

Joke of the Day Posted on | November 21, 2008 | No Comments

Two ladies went through the custom check point after an oversea trip. Customer Officer found Lady A had seven branded panties in her luggage. When Lady A said the panties were not bought oveaseas, the Customer Officer asked: “Why do you need to bring seven panties on an oveasea trip?”

Lady A replied: “I do not do washing when I am abroad. Don’t you know that one week has seven days?” She was let go without having to pay tax. Customer Officer then opened the suitcase of Lady B and found twelve panties. When she insisted that she brought them from home, the Custom Officer asked: “Why do you need to bring twelve panties on an oversea trip?” The offended Lady B replied: “I also do not wash when I travel. Don’t you know that one year has twelve months?”

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