Getting Rid of Old Item
Joke of the Day Posted on | September 9, 2008 | No Comments
I bought a new fridge to get rid of the old, I put it on my front yard and hung a sign : “Free to good home. You want it, you take it.” For three days the fridge sat there without even one person looking twice at it. I changed the sign to read : “Fridge for sale $50.” The next day it was stolen.
Two Entrepreneurs
Joke of the Day Posted on | September 8, 2008 | No Comments
Two entrepreneurs, Jack and John, decided to start a bungee-jumping business south of the border. They went to Casa del Sol, Mexico, built a huge platform, and opened for business.
By noon the first day, they both noticed that while everyone was watching, no one was buying tickets.
Jack told John to go up and jump, so everyone could see how much fun it was, and then they would buy tickets and try it.
John jumped, almost reached the ground, and sprang back up. Jack saw that his shirt was torn and his hair was mussed.
John came down again and sprang back up. This time he had several bruises and his clothes were ripped to shreds.
The third time down and back up, and he had several open wounds, a broken arm, and was bruised over most of his body.
Jack quickly raised John to the platform and asked him what in the world was going on.
John replied, ‘I’m not sure. Do you know what ‘pinata‘ means?’
Wife Panties
Joke of the Day Posted on | September 7, 2008 | No Comments
Two men sitting in a bar drinking… a lot. As they are sitting there drinking away, one man turns to the other and says ” I have got to get out of here! I have to go home & take my wife panties OFF”. The other man looks at him with confusion and replies “Well, what in the world made you think of that?”
And he replies, “Because they are too damn tight & they are cutting off my blood circulation!”
Beethoven
Joke of the Day Posted on | September 6, 2008 | No Comments
Q. What’s Beethoven doing in his grave?
A. De-composing.
Blind Man
Joke of the Day Posted on | September 5, 2008 | No Comments
Two nuns are ordered to paint a room in the convent, and the last instruction of the Mother Superior was that they must not get even a drop of paint on their habits. After conferring about this for a while, the two nuns decide to lock the door of the room, strip off their habits, and paint in the nude. In the middle of the project, there was a knock at the door. “Who is it?” called one of the nuns.
“Blind man,” replied a voice from the other side of the door. The two nuns look at each other and shrug, deciding that no harm can come from letting a blind man into the room; they open the door.
“Nice boobs,” said the man. “Where do you want these venetian blinds to be hung?”
Super Computer
Joke of the Day Posted on | September 4, 2008 | No Comments
Oh we’re in the army now.
The US has succeeded in building a computer able to solve any strategic or tactical problem. Military leaders are assembled in front of the new machine and instructed to feed a difficult tactical problem into it. They describe a hypothetical situation to the computer and then ask the pivotal question: Attack or Retreat?
The computer hums away for an hour and then comes up with the answer:
YES.
The generals look at each other, somewhat stupefied. Finally one of them submits a second request to the computer:
YES WHAT?
Instantly the computer responded:
YES SIR.
Vibrator
Joke of the Day Posted on | September 3, 2008 | No Comments
An elderly gentlemen had been living with his spinster daughter for some years. One day, upon returning home he heard an unusual whirring noise. Wandering around the first floor, he noticed that the noise seemed to be coming from somewhere upstairs.
He proceeded up the stairs to investigate. Walking around, he realized that the noise increased as he neared his daughters closed bedroom door. Whereupon he quickly open the door to make sure that everything was alright.
He was astonished by the sight of his daughter, stretched out naked on her bed with a vibrator violently shaking in her hand.
“Sylvie! What in tarnation is goin’ on?” He shouted!
Sylvie, without hesitation replied: “Daddy, I have needs! Isn’t it obvious? I know that I’m not going to find anybody to marry, so please leave me alone, and shut the door on your way out.”
Somewhat chagrined, he retreated, and closed the door as he exited.
Not too many days later, his daughter returned home from doing some errands. When she entered the living room, she was surprised to hear an unusual whirring noise coming from somewhere.
As she walked around, she realized that the noise was coming from somewhere on the second floor. When she walked around the upstairs hall, she realized that the noise originated from behind her fathers closed bedroom door.
Throwing the door open, she was astonished to see her father, dressed in a tuxedo, with a glass of bourbon in one hand, and her vibrator violently shaking the other.
“Daddy! What in tarnation is goin’ on?” She shouted!
Without hesitation, he replied “Sylvie, I have needs too! Isn’t it obvious? I’m having a drink with my son-in-law! So please leave us alone, and shut the door on your way out.”
Bathroom Commode – BC
Joke of the Day Posted on | September 2, 2008 | No Comments
My friend is a rather old-fashioned lady, always quite delicate and elegant – especially in her language.
She and her husband were planning a week’s vacation in Florida, so she wrote to a particular campground and asked for reservations.
She wanted to make sure the campground was fully equipped, but didn’t quite know how to ask about the toilet privileges in her letter. She finally came up with the term “Bathroom Commode“, and that being even too forward in her eyes, she abbreviated it to “B.C.”
The campground owner wasn’t old-fashioned at all and when he got the letter he just couldn’t figure out what the woman was talking about or what B.C. stood for. Finally, he showed the letter to several campers and they all reached the conclusion that the lady must be talking about the local Baptist Church. So the campground owner sent off the following letter in return:
“Dear Madam:
I regret very much the delay in answering your letter, but I now take pleasure in informing you that a B.C. is located nine miles north of the campground and is capable of seating 250 people at the same time.
I admit that it is quite a distance away and if you are in the habit of going regularly it may seem too far, but, no doubt, you will make a day of it, and you might be pleased to know that a great number of people take their lunches along, so you won’t feel alone, as they make a day of it, too.
They usually arrive early and stay late. The last time my wife and I went was six years ago and it was so crowded we had to stand up the whole time we were there.
It may interest you to know that right now there is a supper planned to raise money to buy more seats. They’re going to hold it in the basement of the B.C.
If you decide to come to our campground, perhaps I could go with you the first time, sit with you, and introduce you to all the other folks.
Remember, this is a friendly community!”
Stranger
Joke of the Day Posted on | September 1, 2008 | No Comments
A man is in bed with his wife when there is a knock on the door. He rolls over and looks at his clock — it’s half-past three in the morning.
“I’m not getting out of bed at this time”, he thinks, and rolls over. Then, a louder knock follows. “Aren’t you going to answer that?” says his wife. So, he drags himself out of bed and goes downstairs.
He opens the door and there is man standing at the door. It didn’t take the homeowner long to realize the man was drunk. “Hi there,” slurs the stranger, “Can you give me a push?”
“No. Get lost, it’s half-past three. I was in bed,” says the man and slams the door.
He goes back up to bed and tells his wife what happened and she says “Dave, that wasn’t very nice of you.
Remember that night we broke down in the pouring rain on the way to pick the kids up from the baby-sitter and you had to knock on that man’s door to get us started again? What would have happened if he’d told us to get lost?”
“But the guy was drunk,” says the husband.
“It doesn’t matter,” says the wife. “He needs our help and it would be the Christian thing to help him.”
So, the husband gets out of bed again, gets dressed and goes downstairs. He opens the door and, not being able to see the stranger anywhere he shouts: “Hey, do you still want a push?” and he hears a voice cry out “Yeah please.”
So, still being unable to see the stranger, he shouts: “Where are you?”
And the stranger replies: “I’m over here, on your swing set.”
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