Unlit Cigar
Joke of the Day Posted on | August 11, 2008 | No Comments
Bill was visiting a friend in the hospital. He had recently quit smoking and was chewing on an unlit cigar when he got on the elevator. A woman on the elevator said to him with a snarl, “Sir! There’s no smoking in here!”
‘I’m not smoking lady.” replied Bill.
“But you have a cigar in your mouth!” the woman said.
“Lady,” Bill answered, “I’ve got on Jockey shorts, too, but I’m not riding a horse!”
Sister Margaret
Joke of the Day Posted on | August 10, 2008 | No Comments
Sister Margaret had been a model nun all her life, but then she was called to her reward. As she approached the pearly gates, Saint Peter said
“Hold on, Sister Margaret…not so fast!”
“But I have been good all my life and dedicated to the work of the Lord. From the time I was taken in as an infant by the sisters at the convent to my dying breath…I have lived for this moment!” Sister Margaret exclaimed in disbelief.
“That is just the problem,” replied St. Peter, “…you never learned right from wrong and to get into heaven, you must know the difference between right and wrong” .
“Well what can I do? I will do anything to get into heaven!” Sister Margaret pleaded.
“I am going to have to send you back down to Earth. When you get there, I want you to smoke a cigarette and call me when you are finished…we will discuss your situation then.” ordered St. Peter.
Sister Margaret returned to Earth, smoked a Camel, and then immediately called St. Peter, coughing and hacking.
“Saint Peter” she gasped, “I can hardly breathe, my mouth tastes terrible, my breath stinks, I feel dizzy, and I think I am going to throw up”
“Good!” replied the old saint, “Now you are finally getting a feel for right and wrong. Now go out tonight and drink some hard liquor and call me back when you are ready.”
Sister Margaret phoned St. Peter immediately after taking several belts of Jack Daniels.
“Saint Peter…I feel woozy…that vile liquid burned my throat and nauseated me…it is all I can do to keep it down.”
“Good…good! Now you are starting to see the difference between right and wrong” said St. Peter with delight. “Tomorrow I want you to seek out a man and know him in the Biblical sense then call me”
A week passed before Sister Margaret called St. Peter and left a message:
“Hello, Pete…it’s Peggy…It’s gonna be a while!”
Woman almost becomes roadkill
Joke of the Day Posted on | August 9, 2008 | No Comments
A drunk Russian woman had to be pulled out of a newly-laid road after she fell into a concrete mixer and then into a pool of drying asphalt. Elena Pavlovna, 43, had been walking home after a lunchtime session with pals in the town of Kemerovo.
She saw her path was blocked by machinery left by workers who were taking a break from resurfacing a road and tried to step over the machinery.
But she slipped and fell into a concrete mixer which had been left on and after a few minutes of being twirled around inside with the concrete mix she was “poured” out onto a pool of asphalt.
As she struggled to get out of the asphalt mix she slipped further into it until only her head was sticking out. She was pulled out by rescue workers who were called by workmen when they came back from their break.
A rescue service spokesman said: “‘Despite the fact that only part of her mouth was out in the open she did not shut up and kept on telling us what we should be doing. It was really annoying.”
Taken from Here
A Dollar
Joke of the Day Posted on | August 8, 2008 | No Comments
Two guys were playing golf when the first one said, “I really need to take a crap…”
The second replied, “Well there’s a tree, go behind it and do your stuff.”
The first guy looks over at the tree and comments, “But, I don’t have any toliet paper.”
Being a witty fellow, the second man remarks, “You have a dollar don’t you? Just use it to wipe yourself.” Reluctantly, the first guy goes and does his stuff.
Minutes later he comes back with crap all over him. The second asks, “Damn, what happened? Didn’t you use the dollar?”
“Hell yes, but have you ever tried to wipe with three quarters, two dimes, and a nickel?”
Say Uncle
Joke of the Day Posted on | August 7, 2008 | No Comments
Stan was seconds away from receiving a vasectomy when his brother and sister-in-law barged in holding their newborn baby.
“Stop! You can’t do this!” exclaimed the brother.
“And why not?” asked Stan.
“Don’t you want to have a beautiful baby someday? Like my wife and I have here?”
Stan said nothing.
The brother grew impatient, “C’mon Stan, I want a nephew. Stan, make me an uncle.”
Stan couldn’t take it anymore. He gave his sister-in-law an apologetic look and asked his brother, “You’re sure you want a nephew?”
“Yes,” the brother replied. “It would be an honor.”
“Well congratulations, you’re holding him.”
Finding the Lord
Joke of the Day Posted on | August 6, 2008 | No Comments
A drunk stumbles along a Baptismal service on a Sunday afternoon down by the river. He proceeds to stumble down into the water and stands next to the Minister. The Minister turns, notices the old drunk and says, “Mister, are you ready to find Jesus?”
The drunk looks back and says, “Yes sir, I am.”
The Minister then dunks the fellow under the water and pulls him right back up.
“Have you found Jesus?” the Minister asked.
“No, I didn’t!” said the drunk.
The Minister then dunks him under for a quite a bit longer, brings him up and says, “Now brother, have you found Jesus?”
“No, I did not!” said the drunk again.
Disgusted, the Minister holds the man under for at least 30 seconds this time, brings him up and demands, “For the grace of God, have you found Jesus yet?!!!??”
The old drunk wipes his eyes and pleads, “Are you sure this is where he fell in?”
A Wee Bit Of Trouble
Joke of the Day Posted on | August 5, 2008 | No Comments
Angus Broon of Glasgow comes to the little lady of the house exclaiming, “Maggie, cud ya be sewin on a wee button that’s come off of me fly? I canna button me pants. “
“Oh Angus … I’ve got me hands in the dishpan, go up the stairs and see if Mrs. MacDonald could be helpin ya with it.”
About 5 minutes later there’s a terrible crash, a bang, a bit of yelling and the sound of a body falling doon the stairs.
Walking back in the door with a blackend eye and a bloody nose comes Angus. The little lady looks at him and says, “My god, what happened to ya? Did you ask her like I told you?”
“Aye,” says Angus. “I asked her to sew on the wee button an she did. Everything was goin fine but when she bent doon to bite off the wee thread, Mr. MacDonald walked in… “
Three Wife
Joke of the Day Posted on | August 4, 2008 | 1 Comment
There were three women who’s husband’s had all died on the same day, and the same hospital. All three of the wife’s met each other, and starting talking about what they were going to do with their husband. All three of them said that their husbands were going to be cremated.
The third wife asks the first where she’s going to put her husbands ashes. The first replys “I’m going to go skydiving one last time, and then dump all of his ashes all over the place. That was the one thing that reminds me the most of him, so I’ll do it.”
The first asks the second where she’s going to put her husbands ashes. The second tells them “Well, there’s this one lake where we used to always go and fish there for many hours at a time. Yes, I think that would be the best place for him.”
Then the second wife asks the third the same question as the other two. The third answers “What I’m going to do is this: I’m going to make a great big bowl of chili, with everything in it that he and I used to always eat, put the best and most expensive of everything though this time. And I’m going to put his ashes in it, and then eat it, so that he can tear my ass up one more time before he is totally out of my life.”
A Sick Veterinarian
Joke of the Day Posted on | August 3, 2008 | No Comments
A veterinarian was feeling ill and went to see her doctor.
The doctor took an extensive medical history and then inquired about her symptoms and complaints.
She interrupted him, “Hey look, I’m a vet. I don’t need to ask my patients all these questions. I can tell what’s wrong just by looking.”
She smugly added, “Why can’t you?”
The doctor nodded and said, “Okay, I’ll take your challenge.”
The doctor quickly performed a physical exam, being careful not to ask any questions. He then picked up a pad, wrote a prescription and handed it to her.
“There you are. Take these pills four times a day for ten days. If this doesn’t work, come back, and we’ll put to sleep.”
Successful Proctologist
Joke of the Day Posted on | August 2, 2008 | No Comments
Cisco is riding to work on the subway one day. The man across from him keeps staring and staring. Finally, Cisco says, “Look, do you mind not staring at me? It’s making me uncomfortable.”
The other man says, “I’m sorry…My name is Jake. I’m gay, you see, and I think you are the most beautiful man I’ve ever seen. I was wondering if you’d be interested in going out…”
Cisco chuckled to himself, flattered, and said. “I’m sorry, pal, but I’m a happily married man, and other men just have no appeal for me, but thanks for the offer.”
Jake continued, obviously totally smitten by Cisco. Finally, Cisco got fed up and exited the train a stop early, hoping to leave Jake behind, but the guy followed him all the way to his office. It just so happened that Cisco was a successful proctologist, and when Jake saw this, he was totally swept away.
He ran upstairs and immediately made an appointment for an examination. When Cisco came in to give the exam, he was surprised, but went ahead with the exam anyway. He was a professional, after all.
While Cisco was probing, Jake kept ‘ooo’ing and ‘aaahhh’ing and moaning with pleasure. Finally, Cisco got totally disgusted and ordered Jake to leave, because there was nothing wrong, and not to come back unless something was really wrong.
Well, a few weeks went by, and Jake showed up in the office again. Cisco tried to throw him out, but Jake insisted he had a legitimate problem. Cisco finally agreed to perform an exam. When Jake pulled his pants down, Cisco was shocked.
“My GOD! You have a dozen roses stuck in your butt!!!” He shouted. And Jake replied “READ THE CARD! READ THE CARD!!!”
About Joke Diary
This site is dedicated to everybody who likes Funny Jokes.
Make A Donation
Funny Jokes everyday for three months from http://JokeDiary.com via email for just 1 dollar donation.
Search Jokes
Nuffnang
Link Me Up
Chat Box