Honesty
Joke of the Day Posted on | August 21, 2008 | No Comments
An old man was on his death bed, and wanted to be buried with his money. He called his priest, his doctor and his lawyer to his bedside. “Here’s $30,000 cash to be held by each of you. I trust you to put this in my coffin when I die so I can take all my money with me.”
At the funeral, each man put an envelope in the coffin. Riding away in a limousine, the priest suddenly broke into tears and confessed, “I only put $20,000 into the envelope because I needed $10,000 to repair the roof of the church.”
“Well, since we’re confiding in each other,” said the doctor, “I only put $10,000 in the envelope because we needed a new X-ray machine for the pediatrics ward at the hospital which cost $20,000.”
The lawyer was aghast. “I’m ashamed of both of you,” he exclaimed. “I want it known that when I put my envelope in that coffin, I enclosed a check for the full $30,000.”
The Ranger
Joke of the Day Posted on | August 20, 2008 | No Comments
A Mexican bandit made a specialty of crossing the Rio Grande from time to time and robbing banks in Texas. The banks offered a reward for his capture, dead or alive, but offered a much larger award for the recovery of the stolen funds. An enterprising Texas Ranger decided to track him down.
After a long and difficult search, he traced the bandit to his home town. On a hunch, he checked the town’s cantina, and sure enough, there was the robber. The only other people in the bar were the bartender and a scrawny, older man at a back table. The time was right to make a move.
The ranger drew his revolver, charged into the cantina, and announced, “You are under arrest. I get a reward for you, dead or alive. Tell me where the money is, and I’ll let you live. If you don’t, I’ll shoot you right here, and save myself the trouble of having to take you back to Texas alive.”
But the bandit didn’t speak English, and the Ranger didn’t speak Spanish. As it turned out, the scrawny man at the back of the bar happenedd to be a lawyer. He knew the robber, and was bilingual, and quickly offered to translate for the two of them. The ranger said, “Tell him that if he doesn’t tell me where the loot is, I’ll shoot him here and now.”
Upon hearing what the Ranger had said, and seeing the cold look in his eye, the bandit knew that the Ranger meant it — if he did not give up his loot, he was a dead man. Terrified, the bandit blurted out in Spanish that the loot was buried in an old barn at the outskirts of town.
“What did he say?” asked the Ranger.
The lawyer answered, “He said ‘You don’t have the nerve to shoot me, Yankee swine.’”
An Elderly Lawyer
Joke of the Day Posted on | August 19, 2008 | No Comments
An elderly lawyer was about to die. One day he told his wife he had come up with a way to take all of the money he had with him to heaven. He told his wife to put all of his money in the attic so when he died he could grab it on the way up.
A couple of weeks after he died his wife was cleaning out the attic and saw that the money bags were still there. “That old fool,” she chuckled. “I told him that we should have put the money in the basement!”
Overcoming Your Sins
Joke of the Day Posted on | August 18, 2008 | No Comments
A lawyer stood at the gate to Heaven. St. Peter was patiently explaining that the man’s sins were far too many and serious to allow for admission into heaven.
“Sir, surely you don’t deny that you routinely overcharged your clients. That you cheated on your wife with your law clerks and associates — and that you used your position as a partner to pressure those clerks and associates into becoming involved with you. Surely you don’t deny that you deliberately took false positions in court in order to win cases, where any sense of ethics would have caused you to settle. And there’s so much more here, why surely….”
The lawyer interrupted, “Yes, yes, I know all of that. But I’ve done some charity in my life as well.”
St. Peter looked in his book and noted,”Yes, I see. Once you gave a dime to a panhandler and once you gave an extra nickel to the shoeshine boy, correct?”
The lawyer looked smug. He replied, “Yes.”
St. Peter turned to the angel next to him and said, “Give this guy 15 cents and tell him to go to hell.”
Karate Chopped
Joke of the Day Posted on | August 17, 2008 | 1 Comment
There was a little guy sitting at a bar drinking a beer. A while later a huge guy walked into the bar and he went up to the little guy and karate chopped him in the back. The little guy fell off his bar stool and when he got up the big guy said, “That was a karate chop from Korea.”
The big guy went to the restroom and the little guy ordered himself another beer. About 20 minutes later the big guy came back and karate chopped the little guy in the back again. The little guy got up and dusted himself off and the big guy told him,”That was a karate chop from China.”
The little guy got up and decided he wasn’t going to take any more of this, so he left the bar. About an hour later the little guy comes back to the bar and he hits the big guy in the back. The big guy is knocked out cold and hes on the floor. The little guy tells the bartender , “Tell him that was a crowbar from Sears!”
Daddy’s Hair
Joke of the Day Posted on | August 16, 2008 | No Comments
Little Johnny was eating breakfast one morning and got to thinking about things. “Mommy, mommy, why has daddy got so few hairs on his head?” he asked his mother.
“He thinks a lot,” replied his mother, pleased with herself for coming up with a good answer to her husband’s baldness.
Or she was until Johnny thought for a second and asked, “So why do you have so much hair?”
SINGH
Joke of the Day Posted on | August 15, 2008 | 1 Comment
A SINGH who is a drunk – YUM-SINGH
A SINGH who is a gangster – SUM-SINGH
A SINGH who is lost – MISSINGH
A SINGH who is noisy – BEE-SINGH
A SINGH who likes herbs – GIN-SINGH
A SINGH who killed Mrs Gandhi – ASSASSINGH
A SINGH who lives halfway between Singapore and – Kuantan-MERSINGH
A SINGH with one testicle – BALWANT SINGH
A SINGH who likes to drink soya bean milk – YEO HIAP SINGH
A SINGH who likes to play with tops – GA-SINGH
The SINGH’S favourite pop singer : Barry Manilow Because he wrote the song
TO MAKE THE WHOLE WORLD SINGH
Fingers Accidentally Shears Off
Joke of the Day Posted on | August 14, 2008 | No Comments
Jon is working at the lumberyard, pushing a tree through the buzz saw, when he accidentally shears off all ten of his fingers. He goes to the emergency room.
The doctor says, “Yuck! Well, give me the fingers, and I’ll see what I can do.”
Jon says, “I haven’t got the fingers.”
The doctor says, “What do you mean, you haven’t got the fingers? It’s 2000. We’ve got microsurgery and all kinds of incredible techniques. I could have put them back on and made you like new. Why didn’t you bring the fingers?”
Jon says, “Well, Doc, I couldn’t pick ‘em up.”
First Child Doctor Visit
Joke of the Day Posted on | August 13, 2008 | No Comments
A man and his wife were making their first doctor visit prior to the birth of their first child. After everything checked out, the doctor took a small stamp and stamped the wife’s stomach with indelible ink.
The couple was curious about what the stamp was for, so when they got home, the man dug out his magnifying glass to try to see what it was. In very tiny letters the stamp said, “When you can read this, come back and see me.”
Fire Fido
Joke of the Day Posted on | August 12, 2008 | 2 Comments
A nursery school teacher was delivering a station wagon full of kids home one day when a fire truck zoomed past. Sitting in the front seat of the fire truck was a Dalmatian dog.
The children fell to discussing the dog’s duties.
“They use him to keep crowds back,” said one youngster.
“No,” said another, “he’s just for good luck.”
Then a third child brought the argument to a close. “They use the dog,” she said firmly, “to find the fire hydrant.”
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