Joke of the Day : Joke Diary

Joke of the Day For Everybody

Pierre

Joke of the Day Posted on | August 31, 2008 | No Comments

Pierre, a French fighter pilot, took his girlfriend, Marie out for a pleasant little picnic by the river Seine. It’s a beautiful day and love was in the air so Marie leaned over to Pierre and said, “Pierre, kiss me!”
So our hero grabbed a bottle of red wine and splashed it on Marie’s lips. “What are you doing, Pierre?” shrieked Marie. “Well, my name is Pierre, the French fighter pilot, and when I have red meat I like to have red wine!” His answer was good enough for Marie and things began to heat up. So she said, “Pierre, kiss me lower.”
Our hero ripped off her blouse, grabbed a bottle of white wine and starts pouring it all over her breasts. “Pierre, what are you doing?!” “My name is Pierre, the French fighter pilot, and when I have white meat I like to have white wine!”
They resumed their passionate interlude and things really steam up. Marie leaned over once more and softly whispered into Pierre’s ear, “Pierre, kiss me lower.”
Pierre tore off her underwear, grabbed a bottle of Cognac and sprinkled it all over her pussy. He took a match and lit it on fire. Patting the flames out furiously, Marie screamed, “PIERRE! WHAT ARE YOU DOING!!!?”
“My name is Pierre, the French Fighter Pilot, and when I go down, I go down in flames!”

Wrong Bitch

Joke of the Day Posted on | August 30, 2008 | No Comments

A WW11 American soldier had been on the front lines in Europe for three months, when he was finally given a week of R&R.; He caught a supply boat to a supply base in the south of England, then caught a train to London.

The train was extremely crowded and he could not find a seat. He was dead on his feet and & walked the length of the train looking for anyplace to sit down. Finally he found a compartment with seats facing each other; there was room for two people on each seat. On one side sat only a proper looking older British lady, with a small dog sitting in the empty seat beside her. “Could I please sit in that seat” he asked. The lady was insulted; “you American are so rude” she said, “can’t you see my dog is sitting there?”

He walked thru the train more and still could not find a seat. He found himself back at the same place. “Lady, I love dogs – have a couple at home so I would be glad to hold your dog if I can just sit down” he said. The lady replied “you Americans are not only rude, you are arrogant” she said.

He leaned against the wall for a time, but was so tired he finally said “lady, I’ve been on the front lines in Europe for three months with not a decent rest for all that time; could I just please sit there and hold your dog?” The lady replied “you Americans are not only rude and arrogant, you are also obnoxious.” With that comment, the soldier calmly stepped it, picked up the dog, threw it out the window and sat down. The lady was speechless.

An older neatly dressed Englishman sitting across on the other seat spoke up.

“Young man, I do not know if all you Americans fit the lady’s description of you or not. But I do know that you Americans do a lot of things wrong. You drive on the wrong side of the road, you hold your fork with the wrong hand, and now you have just thrown the wrong bitch out of the window….

Teacher Birthday

Joke of the Day Posted on | August 29, 2008 | No Comments

It was the nursery teachers birthday and the students decided that they would each buy their teacher a gift.

The first student, whose parents own a florist shop, gave her a present. She held it and said “I guess that it is flowers”. “How did you guess?” asked the little boy. She laughed and thanked him.

The second student, whose parents own a sweet shop, gave her a present. She held it and said, “I guess that is some sweets.”

“How did you guess?” asked the little boy. She again laughed and thanked him also.

The third student, whose parents own a wine outlet, gave her a box which was leaking. The teacher touched the liquid with her finger and tasted it. “Mmmmm is it wine?” she asked.

“No,” said the little girl.

So she tasted it again. “Is it Champagne?” she asked.

“No,” replied the little girl, “It is a puppy.”

Nine year old Junior

Joke of the Day Posted on | August 28, 2008 | No Comments

Nine year old Junior comes home from school one day and his mother asks what he learned. “Oh, mom,” said Junior, “I learned how to fuck today!” Mom is furious and sends him to his room explaining that he has to wait till his father gets home. Well, dad gets home about an hour later and is met by his irate wife. “Go talk to YOUR son!” she demands.

Dad goes up and finds his son sitting on the bed and asks what had happened. “Dad, all I told her is that I learned to fuck today,” says Junior. “That’s my boy!!!!!” dad blurts out, but after thinking a moment he says, “Well, your mom is really upset about this, so I’m gonna have to ground you for a week. But, I see you’re following in your father’s footsteps. I’m quite proud of you.”

The next day at the construction site, dad is bragging to all his co-workers about his nine year old son getting laid. “A chip off the old block!” he beams . “Of course, I didn’t start till I was ten, but he’s already becoming a man!!”

Dad comes home from work that night, proud as can be, barely kisses the wife’s cheek as he rushes up to his son’s room. “Well, son,” he asks, “did you do it again today???”

“Oh, no!” exclaims Junior, “my butt still hurts from yesterday!”

Choosing a Lawyer

Joke of the Day Posted on | August 27, 2008 | No Comments

A businessman was trying to choose a lawyer, but was being very careful about it. He scheduled appointments to interview three lawyers.

At the first lawyer’s office, after an initial exchange of pleasantries, the businessman said, “Okay, let’s get down to business. I have an important question for you, and I want you to think carefully before answering. How much is two plus two?”

The lawyer raised his eyebrows. “two plus two is four.” The businessman thanked him for his time, and proceeded to his next appointment.

The second lawyer, who was also a CPA, seemed a bit more particular than the first lawyer. After an initial discussion, the businessman again announced that he had a very important question, and asked, “How much is two plus two?”

The second lawyer went over to a computer, and entered figures into a spreadsheet. “According to my calculations, two plus two is approximately four.” The businessman thanked him for his time, and proceeded to his next appointment.

The third lawyer sat behind a big mahogany desk, and smoked a cigar. He seemed rather self-important as compared to the other two, but at the same time appeared to be much more successful. The businessman again announced, “I would like you to answer a very important question for me, before I decide whether I should use your services. How much is two plus two?”

The lawyer pulled the shades, locked the door to his office, and asked in a hushed voice, “How much do you want it to be?”

I’m Fine

Joke of the Day Posted on | August 26, 2008 | No Comments

Farmer John was injured when a truck hit his pick-up, and he filed a lawsuit against the driver who hit him. When the case went to trial, the truck driver’s big city lawyer questioned farmer John.”After the accident, did you not say to the sheriff’s deputy, ‘I’m fine’?” asked the lawyer.

Farmer John answered, “Well I’ll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favorite mule Bessie into the….”

“I did not ask you about your mule,” the lawyer interrupted, “I asked you about your statement to the sheriff’s deputy. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, ‘I’m fine’?”

Farmer John answered, “Like I was saying, I loaded Bessie into the trailer, and I hitched it to my pick-up truck….”

The lawyer angrily turned to the judge. “Your honor, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the sheriff’s deputy on the scene that he was just fine. Now, many months after the accident, he is trying to sue my client. If his case is not a fraud, he should be able to answer my question with a simple ‘yes’ or ‘no.’ Please tell him to simply answer the question.”

The judge, somewhat curious about the mule, responded, “Let’s hear what he has to say. If he doesn’t get around to answering your question, we’ll deal with it after we find out about Bessie.”

Farmer John thanked the Judge and proceeded, “Well as I was saying, Bessie was in my trailer and was driving her down the highway when this huge truck ran the stop sign and smacked my truck. My pick-up went into the ditch, and the trailer tipped over. I could hear Bessie moaning and groaning, and I knew that she was in a bad way, but I was hurtin’ real bad and I couldn’t even move. Then, the deputy came, and he could hear Bessie, so he went over to her. He looked at her for a moment, then he took out his gun and he shot her right between the eyes. Then the deputy came across the road with his gun in his hand, looked me right in the eyes, and asked, “Your mule was in such bad shape I had to shoot her. How are you feeling?”

The Picture

Joke of the Day Posted on | August 25, 2008 | No Comments

George had responded to a call from his attorney, insisting that they meet at once. He arrived at his lawyer’s firm, and was ushered into his office.

“Do you want the bad news first or the terrible news?” the lawyer asked.

“Well, if those are my choices, I guess I’ll take the bad news first.”

“Your wife found a picture worth a half-million dollars.”

“That’s the bad news?” George was stunned? “If you call that bad, I can’t wait to hear the terrible news.”

“The terrible news is that it’s of you and your secretary.”

Old Friend

Joke of the Day Posted on | August 24, 2008 | No Comments

A doctor had just bought a villa on the French Riviera, when met an old lawyer friend whom he hadn’t seen in years, and they started talking. The lawyer, as it turned out, owned a nearby villa. They discussed how they came to retire to the Riviera.

“Remember that lousy office complex I bought?” asked the lawyer, “Well, it caught fire, and I retired here with the fire insurance proceeds. What are you doing here?”

The doctor replied, “Remember that real estate I had in Mississippi? Well, the river overflowed, and here I am with the flood insurance proceeds. It’s amazing that we both ended up here in pretty much the same way.”

“It sure is,” the lawyer replied, looking puzzled, “but I’m confused about one thing – how do you start a flood?”

Lessons in Economics

Joke of the Day Posted on | August 23, 2008 | No Comments

A prominent lawyer’s son dreamed of following in his father’s footsteps. After graduating from college and law school with honors, he returned home to join his father’s firm, intent on proving himself to be a skilled and worthy attorney.

At the end of his first day at work he rushed into his father’s office, and said, “Father, father! The Smith case, that you always said would go on forever — the one you have been toiling on for ten years — in one single day, I settled that case and saved the client a fortune!”

His father frowned, and scolded his son, “I did not say that it would go on forever, son. I said that it could go on forever. When you saw me toiling on that case for days and weeks at a time, didn’t it ever occur to you that I was billing by the hour?”

Legal Ethics

Joke of the Day Posted on | August 22, 2008 | No Comments

After drafting a will for an elderly client, the attorney announced a fee of $100.

The client gave the attorney a $100 bill.

After the client left, the attorney saw that the client had in fact paid $200, as two of the client’s $100 bills had stuck together.

Looking at the $100 overpayment, an ethical question arose in the attorney’s mind: “Do I tell my partner?”

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