The Drunk and The Dancer
Joke of the Day Posted on | July 11, 2008 | No Comments
A drunk is sitting at a bar when a woman stands behind him and raises her arm really high to get the bartender’s attention.
She has very hairy armpits. The drunk sees this and yells at the bartender, “Get the ballerina a drink.”
She gets her drink and goes away.
Later she returns and raises her arm again. The drunk sees her and yells to the bartender, “Get the ballerina another drink.” She gets her drink and goes away again.
The bartender asks the drunk how he knows that she is a ballerina given that she is a stranger and has never been in the bar before.
The drunk replies, “She’s got to be a ballerina if she can lift her leg that high.”
Bartender
Joke of the Day Posted on | July 10, 2008 | No Comments
Roy walks into the front door of a bar. He is obviously drunk, and staggers up to the bar, seats himself on a stool and, with a belch, asks the bartender for a drink.
The bartender politely informs Roy that it appears that he has already had plenty to drink, he could not be served additional liquor at this bar, and could a cab be called for him?
Roy is briefly surprised, then softly scoffs, grumbles, climbs down off the bar stool and staggers out the front door.
A few minutes later, Roy stumbles in the SIDE door of the “same” bar. He wobbles up to the bar and hollers for a drink.
The bartender comes over and, still politely but more firmly, refuses service to him due to his inebriation, and again offers to call a cab. He looks at the bartender for a moment angrily, curses, and shows himself out the side door, all the while grumbling and shaking his head.
A few minutes later, Roy bursts in through the BACK door of the bar. He plops himself up on a bar stool, gathers his wits and belligerently orders a drink. The bartender comes over and emphatically reminds him that he is clearly drunk, will be served no drinks, and either a cab or the police will be called immediately.
Roy surprisingly looks at the bartender, and in hopeless anguish, cries – “MAAAN! How many bars do you work at!?!?!”
New Hearing Aids
Joke of the Day Posted on | July 9, 2008 | No Comments
An elderly gentleman had serious hearing problems for a number of years.
He finally went to a doctor, and was fitted with excellent new hearing aids.
He returned a month later for a checkup, and the doctor said, “Your hearing is perfect! Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again.”
The gentleman replied, “Oh, I haven’t told my family just yet. I still sit around quietly; but, now I listen to the conversations. I’ve changed my will three times already.
The Three Bear
Joke of the Day Posted on | July 8, 2008 | No Comments
It’s a sunny morning in the Big Forest and the Bear family is just waking up.Baby Bear goes downstairs and sits in his small chair at the table. He looks into his small bowl. It is empty! “Who’s been eating my porridge?” he squeaks.
Daddy Bear arrives at the table and sits in his big chair. He looks into his big bowl. It is also empty! “Who’s been eating my porridge?” he roars.
Mummy Bear puts her head through the serving hatch from the kitchen and yells, “For Pete’s sake, how many times do we have to go through this? It was Mummy Bear who go up first. It was Mummy Bear who woke everybody else in the house up. It was Mummy Bear who unloaded the dishwasher from last night and put everything away. It was Mummy Bear who went out into the cold early morning air to fetch the newspaper. It was Mummy Bear who set the table. It was Mummy Bear who put the cat out, cleaned the litter box and filled the cat’s water & food dish. And now that you’ve decided to come down stairs and grace me with your presence…. listen good because I’m only going to say this one more time…….I haven’t made the @#*% porridge yet!!
Company Circular
Joke of the Day Posted on | July 7, 2008 | 4 Comments
Dear STAFF,
Please be advised that these are NEW rules and regulations implemented to raise the efficiency of our firm.
TRANSPORTATION:
It is advised that you come to work driving a car according to your salary.
a) If we see you driving a CAMRY/CIVIC, we assume you are doing well financially and therefore you do not need a raise.
b) If you drive a 10 year old car or taking public transportation, we assume you must have lots of savings therefore you do not need a raise.
c) If you drive a Pickup, you are right where you need to be and therefore you do not need a raise.
ANNUAL LEAVE:
Each employee will receive 52 Annual Leave days a year – They are called Sundays.
LUNCH BREAK:
a) Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch as they need to eat more so that they can look healthy.
b) Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal to maintain their average figure.
c) Fat people get 5 minutes for lunch, because that’s all the time needed to drink a Slim Fast and take a diet pill.
SICK DAYS:
We will no longer accept a doctor Medical Cert as proof of sickness.
- If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.
TOILET USE :
Entirely too much time is being spent in the toilets.
a) There is now a strict 3-minute time limit in the cubicles.
b) At the end of three minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, the door will open and a picture will be taken.
c) After your second offence, your picture will be posted on the company bulletin board under the “Chronic Offenders” category.
d) Subsequent pictures will be sold at public auctions to raise money to pay your salary.
SURGERY:
As long as you are an employee here, you need all your organs.
- You should not consider removing anything. We hired you intact.
- To have something removed constitutes a breach of employment.
INTERNET USAGE :
All personal Internet usage will be recorded and charges will be deducted from your bonus (if any) and if we decide not to give you any, charges will be deducted from your salary.
- Important Note: Charges applicable as S$2.00 per minute as we have 4MB connection.
Just for information, 73% of staff will not be entitled to any salary for next 3 months as their Internet charges have exceeded their 3 months salary.
Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a positive employment experience. Therefore, all questions, comments, concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplation, consternation and input should be directed elsewhere.
Best regards,
XXXXXXXXXX
Why Don’t You Just Spit
Joke of the Day Posted on | July 6, 2008 | No Comments
A man longs to wed a maiden with her virtue intact. He searches for one but resigns himself to the fact that every female over the age of 10 in his town has been at it.
Finally he decides to take matters in hand and adopts a baby girl from the orphanage. He raises her until she is walking and talking and then sends her away to a monastery for safekeeping until marrying age. After many years she finally reaches maturity and he retrieves her from the monastery and marries her.
After the wedding they make their way back to his house and into the bedroom where they both prepare themselves for the consummation. They lie down together in his bed and he reaches over for a jar of petroleum jelly.
“Why the jelly?” she asks him.
“So I don’t hurt your most delicate parts during the act of lovemaking,” he replies.
“Well, why don’t you just spit on your cock like the monks did?”
The Esplanade
Joke of the Day Posted on | July 5, 2008 | No Comments
A meeting was going on for hours to give a unique building an appropriate name.
As the meeting bear no fruit, they decided to call in some refreshments.
Twenty minutes later, 3 caterers brought refreshments into the room.
After laying out the refreshments, the 3 caterers cannot help but notice the scale down model of the building that was sitting in the center of the meeting table.
So out of curiosity the caterers asked them some questions which created a great impact in giving such a unique building an appropriate name.
And the questions are as followed :
1st caterer : Explain leh, why the roof have so many triangular protrusions?
2nd caterer : Explain leh, why the building look like a pair of housefly’s eyes?
3rd caterer : Explain leh, why the roof looked like durian?
Suddenly the CEO shouted : I think we should call this building “The Esplanade”
So “The Esplanade” is actually the singlish version “explain leh”
Tampon Attached
Joke of the Day Posted on | July 4, 2008 | No Comments
Once, when I was working as a cashier, it was that time of the month and I was carrying my tampons..
I had used a pen earlier that day, and put it in my apron for later.Little did I know the pen had slid into my tampon, so when a (MALE!) customer asked to use it, I pulled out the pen, and tried to give it to him, tampon attached!
To top it off, the store video taped it ’cause I handle money!
That was sooo embarrassing!
Lipstick on Your Collar
Joke of the Day Posted on | July 3, 2008 | No Comments
“Can you explain to me how this lipstick got on your collar?” the suspicious wife sneered.
“No, I can’t,” the husband replied. “I distinctly remember taking my shirt off.”
Valentine’s Day Cards for Ex-Husbands
Joke of the Day Posted on | July 2, 2008 | No Comments
A woman went to the mall to buy Valentine’s Day cards for her son and father.
The 50 feet of displays for hundreds of cards astounded her.
She muttered out loud, “I wonder if they have anything for ex-husbands.”
The clerk behind the counter said, “Oh, yes maim, they do, but they’re in Sporting Goods.”
“Really?” exclaimed the woman.
“Yes maim. They’re called darts.”
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