Getting Married
Joke of the Day Posted on | June 10, 2008 | No Comments
“Congratulations my boy!” said the groom’s uncle.
“I’m sure you’ll look back and remember today as the happiest day of your life.”
“But I’m not getting married until tomorrow.” Protested his nephew.
“I know,” replied the uncle.
“That’s exactly what I mean.”
Counter Fitting
Joke of the Day Posted on | June 9, 2008 | No Comments
Several years ago, Andy was sentenced to prison. During his stay, he got along well with the guards and all his fellow inmates. The warden saw that deep down, Andy was a good person and made arrangements for Andy to learn a trade while doing his time. After 3 years, Andy was recognized as one of the best carpenters in the local area. Often he would be given a weekend pass to do odd jobs for the citizens of the community…. and he always reported back to prison before Sunday night was over.
The warden was thinking of remodeling his kitchen and in fact had done much of the work himself. But he lacked the skills to build a set of kitchen cupboards and a large counter top which he had promised his wife. So he called Andy into his office and asked him to complete the job for him.
But, alas, Andy refused. He told the warden, “Gosh, I’d really like to help you but counter fitting is what got me into prison in the first place”.
Woman’s Voice
Joke of the Day Posted on | June 9, 2008 | No Comments
A woman wanted to reach her husband on his mobile phone but discovered that she was out of credit she instructed her son to use his own phone to pass across an urgent message to daddy who is at site.
After junior had called,he got back to mummy to inform her that it was a lady that picked up daddy’s phone the three times he tried reaching dad on the mobile.
(Women!!)She waited impatiently for her husband to return from site,immediately she sighted him,she gave him a very hot slap,while the man was trying to ask why? She repeated the slap, people from neighborhood rushed around to know the cause of this.
The man asked junior to tell everybody what the lady said to him when he called,junior said “The number you are trying to call is not reachable at the moment, please try again later”.
Heart Specialist Funeral
Joke of the Day Posted on | June 8, 2008 | No Comments
A famous heart specialist doctor died and everyone was gathered at his funeral. A regular coffin was displayed in front of a huge heart.
When the minister finished with the sermon and after everyone said their good-byes, the heart was opened, the coffin rolled inside, and the heart closed.
Just at that moment one of the mourners started laughing. The guy next to him asked: “Why are you laughing?”
“I was thinking about my own funeral” the man replied. “What’s so funny about that?”
“I’m a gynecologist.”
Empty Stomach
Joke of the Day Posted on | June 7, 2008 | No Comments
Little Emily was complaining to her mother that her stomach hurt. Her mother replied, “That’s because it’s empty. Maybe you should try putting something in it.” The next day, the pastor was over at Emily’s family’s house for lunch. He mentioned having his head hurt, to which Emily immediately replied, “That’s because it’s empty. Maybe you should try putting something in it.”
Leg’s In The Air
Joke of the Day Posted on | June 6, 2008 | No Comments
Little Lucy went out into the garden and saw her cat Piddles lying on the ground with its eyes shut and its legs in the air. She fetched her Dad to look at Piddles, and on seeing the cat he said, as gently as he could.
“I’m afraid Piddles is dead, Lucy.”
“So why are his legs sticking up in the air like that, Daddy?” asked Lucy as she fought back the tears.
At a loss for something to say the father replied, “Piddles’ legs are pointing straight up in the air so that it will be easier for Jesus to float down from heaven above and grab a leg and lift Piddles up to heaven.”
Little Lucy seemed to take her Piddles’ death quite well. However, two days later when her father came home from work, Lucy had tears in her eyes and said: “Mommy almost died this morning.”
Fearing something terrible had happened the father shook the girl and shouted, “How do you mean Lucy? Tell Daddy!”
“Well”, mumbled Lucy, “soon after you left for work this morning I saw mommy lying on the floor with her legs in the air and she was shouting, ‘Oh Jesus!!! I’m coming, I’m coming!!!’ and if it hadn’t been for the milkman holding her down she definitely would have gone, Daddy.”
Secret For Staying Together
Joke of the Day Posted on | June 5, 2008 | No Comments
A couple had been married for 45 years and had raised a brood of 11 children and were blessed with 22 grandchildren. When asked the secret for staying together all that time, the wife replies, “Many years ago we made a promise to each other: the first one to pack up and leave has to take all the kids.”
The Top 12 Signs Your Partner is Addicted to Internet Porn
Joke of the Day Posted on | June 4, 2008 | No Comments
· During foreplay, he’s always double-clicking your G-spot.
· His new computer includes a DVD-ROM drive, a 56k modem, and a tissue dispenser.
· When she wants you to take off your pants, she says, “Scroll down.”
· C:\Downloads\Porn\2002\July\03\10PM-11PM\
· Tells everyone he’s a pioneer in “palm computing.”
· He’s suing Playboy.com for repetitive stress injuries.
· Her favorite actor? Tommy Lee.
· When he sees a hot babe, he wryly says, “Boy, I’d like to click on her.”
· You look deep into his eyes and see a faint image of Asia Carrera burned into his corneas.
· As you undress, he takes out his credit card and tells you his birthday.
· During sex, he shouts, “Refresh! Refresh!”
· His version of foreplay: You lie naked on the bed with a sheet covering you. He pulls it down slowly for ten minutes.
· During sex, she shouts, “More bandwidth!”
How To Surprise A Man
Joke of the Day Posted on | June 3, 2008 | No Comments
Three girl friends have met up for their weekly meal together and are discussing their relationships.
One of them is engaged, one is a mistress and the other is married.
They decide that to try and surprise their men that night
all three will dress up in a leather S&M; style bodice, red stilettos and a mask.
The next week they meet up again and compare their experiences.
The engaged girl says, ‘The other night, when my fiance came home, he found me in the leather bodice, the high red stilettos and mask covering my eyes. As soon as he
saw me he grabbed me saying “I love you” and carried me upstairs where we made love all night.’
The mistress says, ‘I went up to my lover’s hotel room where he was waiting for me and knocked on the door. I was wearing the leather bodice, the red stilettos, and the mask, with my fur coat on top. When I entered the room and dropped my coat to the floor, he said “Wow” and we made love all night.
The married girl say ‘Hmmph, I got myself dressed up the same as you two, leather bodice, red stilettos and mask over my eyes and waited for my husband to get home from work.”
“He opened the door, came in and said “Evening Batman, what’s for dinner?”
Prayers Can Come True
Joke of the Day Posted on | June 2, 2008 | No Comments
One evening as Jack passed little Tommy’s bedroom he overheard his son praying, “God bless Mummy, God bless Daddy, and God bless Grandma. Bye bye Grandpa.”
The Dad wasn’t quite sure what Tommy meant by this, but was pleased to see his son praying.
However, the next morning, they found Grandpa dead on the floor after suffering a heart attack. Jack was rather spooked but convinced himself that it was just a coincidence.
The next night, he heard Tommy praying again: “God bless Mummy, God bless Daddy. Bye bye Grandma.”
Jack was getting worried now, but decided to just wait and see what transpired. He awoke early and went to check on Gradma, sure enough she was laying dead on the floor after suffering a heart attack.
Jack was really scared now and made sure that he was listening outside Tommy’s bedroom door when he prayed that night.
His worst fears were realized when Tommy said, “God bless Mummy. Bye bye Daddy.”
Now Jack was terrified. He couldn’t sleep at all that night and went to the doctor’s first thing the next morning for a check up. After getting a clean bill of health from the doctor he went to work and spent the day being exceedingly careful.
When he finally arrived home that evening his wife was waiting at the front door.
”Thank God you’re home,” She said, “We’ve had another terrible day here. The postman dropped dead on our drive this morning!”
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