Pharmacy
Joke of the Day Posted on | May 12, 2008 | No Comments
A man went into a pharmacy and asked to talk to a male pharmacist.
The woman he was talking to said that she was the pharmacist and that she and her sister owned the store, so there were no males employed there. She then asked if there was something she could help the gentleman with. The man said “this is embarrassing for me, but I have a permanent erection which causes me a lot of problems and severe embarrassment. I was wondering what you could give me for it?”
The pharmacist said “Just a minute, I’ll go talk to my sister.” When she returned, she said, “the best we can do is 1/3 ownership in the store and $3000 a month in living expenses.”
Dejected Communist Party Candidate
Joke of the Day Posted on | May 11, 2008 | No Comments
A dejected Communist Party candidate trudges home after the polls close. “So, Mark, how many votes did you get?” asks his wife. “Two,” he responds. She slaps him hard across the face. “What was that for?”
“You have a mistress, now do you!!?”
Wing Commander
Joke of the Day Posted on | May 10, 2008 | 3 Comments
My father always loved fast cars. Taking advantage of the empty roads one morning, he accelerated down a wide-open stretch. Unfortunately, a young police officer was waiting at the other end, and Dad was flagged down. He greeted the officer with a cheery “Good morning.”
“And a good morning to you, Wing Commander,” replied the officer. “Having trouble taking off?”
Together Again
Joke of the Day Posted on | May 9, 2008 | No Comments
Maria is a devout Catholic: She gets married and has 17 children. Soon after the last child is born her husband dies. A few weeks later she remarries and over the following years has another 22 children with her second husband. After the last child is born her second husband also dies. Within a month Maria is engaged to be married a third time. Unfortunately, she becomes very ill and dies.
At her wake, the priest looks tenderly at Maria as she lies in her coffin, looks up to the heavens and says, “At least, they’re finally together.”
A man standing next to the priest asks, “Excuse me, Father, but do you mean Maria and her first husband, or Maria and her second husband?”
The priest says, “I mean her legs.”
Holland and American Flags
Joke of the Day Posted on | May 8, 2008 | 1 Comment
A visitor from Holland was chatting with his American friend and was jokingly explaining about the red, white and blue in the Netherlands flag.
“Our flag symbolizes our taxes,” he said. “We get red when we talk about them, white when we get our tax bill, and blue after we pay them.”
“That’s the same with us,” the American said, “only we see stars, too.”
Blond at Court
Joke of the Day Posted on | May 7, 2008 | No Comments
A blonde was summoned to court to appear as a witness in a lawsuit. The prosecutor opened his questioning with, “Where were you the night of August 24th?”
“Objection!” said the defense attorney. “Irrelevant!”
“Oh, that’s okay,” said the blonde from the witness stand. “I don’t mind answering the question.”
“I object!” the defense said again.
“No, really,” said the blonde. “I’ll answer.”
The judge ruled: “If the witness insists on answering, there is no reason for the defense to object.”
So the prosecutor repeated the question: “Where were you the night of August 24th?”
The blonde replied brightly, “I don’t know.”
Young Doctor
Joke of the Day Posted on | May 6, 2008 | No Comments
A young doctor had moved out to a small community to replace a doctor who was retiring. The older gent suggested the young one accompany him on his
rounds so the community could become used to a new doctor.
At the first house a woman complained, “I’ve been a little sick to my stomach.” The older doctor said, “Well, you’ve probably been overdoing the fresh fruit. Why not cut back on the amount you’ve been eating and see if that does the trick?”
As they left the younger man said, “You didn’t even examine that woman. How’d you come to your diagnosis so quickly?”
“I didn’t have to. You noticed I dropped my stethoscope on the floor in there? When I bent over to pick it up, I noticed a half dozen banana peels in the trash. That was what was probably making her sick.”
“Huh,” the younger doctor said, “Pretty clever. I think I’ll try that at the next house.”
Arriving at the next house, they spent several minutes talking with an elderly woman. She complained that she just didn’t have the energy she once did. “I’m feeling terribly run down lately.”
“You’ve probably been doing too much work for the church,” the younger doctor told her. Perhaps you should cut back a bit and see if that helps.”
As they left, the elder doc said, “Your diagnosis is almost certainly correct, but how did you arrive at it?”
“Well, just like you at the last house, I dropped my stethoscope. When I bent down to retrieve it, I noticed the preacher under the bed.”
Build Me a Bridge
Joke of the Day Posted on | May 5, 2008 | 1 Comment
A man walking along a California beach was deep in prayer. Suddenly the sky clouded above his head and, in a booming voice, the Lord said, “Because you have TRIED to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish.”
The man said, “Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can drive over anytime I want.”The Lord said, “Your request is very materialistic. Think of the enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking. The supports required to reach the bottom of the Pacific! The concrete and steel it would take! It will nearly exhaust several natural resources. I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of something that would honor and glorify me.”
The man thought about it for a long time. Finally he said, “Lord, I wish that I could understand my wife. I want to know how she feels inside, what she’s thinking when she gives me the silent treatment, why she cries, what she means when she says ‘nothing’s wrong,’ and how I can make a woman truly happy.”
The Lord replied, “You want two lanes or four on that bridge?”
Dress Temptation
Joke of the Day Posted on | May 4, 2008 | No Comments
Struggling to make ends meet on a first-call salary, the pastor was livid when he confronted his wife with the receipt for a $250 dress she had bought.”How could you do this?!”
“I was outside the store looking at the dress in the window, and then I found myself trying it on,” she explained. “It was like Satan was whispering in my ear, ‘You look fabulous in that dress. Buy it!’”
“Well,” the pastor replied, “You know how I deal with that kind of temptation. I say, ‘Get behind me, Satan!’”
“I did,” replied his wife, “but then he said, ‘It looks fabulous from back here, too!’”
Most Embarrass Moment
Joke of the Day Posted on | May 3, 2008 | No Comments
Once when I was out hiking in the woods with my family, I desperately needed to pee.
But there were no toilets handy, so I wandered off the track a little way to select a suitable spot. I soon found a handy little spot, at the edge of a steep bank with a conveniently located handrail.
So I pulled my shorts and panties down to my ankles and squatted down, extending my bottom over the edge of the walk so I would not wet my shorts, and proceeded to pee, facing the area where I knew my family to be.
To my horror, as I was midstream, I heard a loud cheer behind me and turned slightly to see that a crowd of young men were observing me from the bottom of the bank. The worst thing was that I couldn’t stop and had to continue in that pose for about 30 seconds (which seemed like ten minutes) until I had finished.
All I could do then was to stand up, take a bow and make a speedy exit.
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