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Kiss it Better

Joke of the Day Posted on | May 31, 2008 | No Comments

Little Johnny is in the bathroom taking a pee when the toilet seat falls down on top of his penis. He starts screaming & crying.

His mom comes running into the room wondering what’s going on.

He tells his mother “Mommy, the toilet seat fell on top of my penis. Kiss it better.”

“Johnny you are getting more and more like your father everyday.” His mother says.

Request a Raise in Salary

Joke of the Day Posted on | May 30, 2008 | No Comments

I, the penis, hereby request a raise in salary for the following reasons:

I do physical labor
I work at great depths
I plunge head first into everything I do
I do not get weekends off or public holidays
I work in a damp environment
I don’t get paid overtime
I work in a dark workplace that has poor ventilation
I work in high temperatures
My work exposes me to contagious diseases

Dear Penis,

After assessing your request, and considering the arguments you have raised, the administration rejects your request for the following reasons:

You do not work 8 hours straight
You fall asleep on the job after brief work period
You do not always follow the orders of the management team
You do not stay in your allocated position, and often visit other areas
You do not take initiative – you need to be pressured and stimulated in order to start working
You leave the workplace rather messy at the end of your shift
You don’t always observe necessary safety regulations, such as wearing the correct protective clothing
You’ll retire well before reaching 65
You’re unable to work double shifts
You sometimes leave your allocated position before you have completed the day’s work. And if that were not all, you have been seen constantly entering and leaving the workplace carrying 2 suspicious looking bags.

Sincerely,
The Management

Horse Country

Joke of the Day Posted on | May 29, 2008 | No Comments

A man walked into a cowboy bar and ordered a beer just as President Bush appeared on the television. After a few sips, he looked up at the television and mumbled, “Now, there’s the biggest horse’s ass I’ve ever seen.”

A customer at the end of the bar quickly stood up, walked over to him, and decked him.

A few minutes later, as the man was finishing his beer, Mrs. Bush appeared on the television. “She’s a horse’s ass too,” the man.

This time, a customer at the other end of the bar quickly stood up, walked over to him, and knocked him off his stool.

“Damn it!” the man said, climbing back up to the bar. “This must be Bush country!”

“Nope,” the bartender replied. “Horse country!”

Three Old Lady

Joke of the Day Posted on | May 28, 2008 | No Comments

Three old ladies were sitting side by side in their retirement home reminiscing. The first lady recalled shopping at the green grocers and demonstrated with her hands, the length and thickness of a cucumber she could buy for a penny.

The second old lady nodded, adding that onions used to be much bigger and cheaper also, the demonstrated the size of two big onions she could buy for
a penny a piece.

The third old lady remarked, “I can’t hear a word you’re saying, but I remember the guy you’re talking about.”

Geography or History

Joke of the Day Posted on | May 27, 2008 | No Comments

Once some burglars broke out in the bank, one of them pointing the gun to the cashier said, “Give me all your money, or you’ll be GEOGRAPHY!”

The cashier laughed and said, “You mean to say ‘HISTORY.'”

The burglar answered, “Don’t change the subject.”

Early Retirement

Joke of the Day Posted on | May 26, 2008 | No Comments

The Pentagon recently found it had too many generals and offered an early retirement bonus. They promised any general who retired straight away his full annual benefits plus $10,000 for every inch measured in a straight line between any two parts of the general’s body, with the general getting to select any pair of points he wished.

The first man, an Air Force general, accepted. He asked the pension man to measure from the top of his head to the tip of his toes. Six feet. He walked out with a check of $720,000.

The second man, an Army general, asked them to measure from the tip of his outstretched hands to his toes. Eight feet. He walked out with a check for $960,000.

When the third general, a grizzled old Marine, was asked where to measure, he told the pension man … “From the tip of my penis to the bottom of my
testicles.”

The pension man suggested that perhaps the Marine general might like to reconsider, pointing out the nice checks the previous two generals had received. The Marine insisted and the pension expert said that would be fine, but that he’d better get the medical officer to do the measuring.

The medical officer attended and asked the general to drop the pants. He did. The medical officer placed the tape on the tip of the general’s penis and began to work back. “My God!” he said. “Where are your testicles?”

The general replied, “In Vietnam.”

Life Sentence

Joke of the Day Posted on | May 26, 2008 | 1 Comment

The bride tells her husband, “Honey, you know I’m a virgin and I don’t know anything about sex. Can you explain it to me first?”

“OK, Sweetheart. Putting it simply, we will call your private place ‘the prison’ and call my private thing ‘the prisoner’. So what we do is: put the prisoner in the prison.

And then they made love for the first time.

Afterwards, the guy is lying face up on the bed, smiling with satisfaction.

Nudging him, his bride giggles, “Honey the prisoner seems to have escaped.”

Turning on his side, he smiles. “Then we will have to re-imprison him.”

After the second time they spent, the guy reaches for his cigarettes but the girl, thoroughly enjoying the new experience of making love, gives him a suggestive smile, “Honey, the prisoner is out again!”

The man rises to the occasion, but with the unsteady legs of a recently born foal.

Afterwards, he lays back on the bed, totally exhausted.

She nudges him and says, “Honey, the prisoner escaped again.”

Simply turning his head, He YELLS at her, “Hey, its not a life sentence, OKAY!

0 to 200 in 6 seconds

Joke of the Day Posted on | May 25, 2008 | No Comments

Bob was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was really pissed.

She told him “Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE !!”

The next morning he got up early and left for work. When his wife woke up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway.

Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, brought the box back in the house.

She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.

Bob has been missing since Friday.

A Navy Officer

Joke of the Day Posted on | May 24, 2008 | 1 Comment

A Navy officer was cutting through the crew’s quarters of his ship one day and happened upon a sailor reading a magazine with his feet up on the small
table in front of him. “Sailor! Do you put your feet up on the furniture at home?” the officer demanded.

“No, sir, but we don’t land airplanes on the roof either.”

The Waitress

Joke of the Day Posted on | May 23, 2008 | No Comments

The waitress was tired of this one man always hitting on her, so she came up with a plan. “I’ll tell you what, Lover. I’ll have sex with you on two conditions. First, it’ll cost you 50 bucks. Second, you have to guarantee me that bells will ring and lights will flash.”

He smiled, handed her $50 and led her over to the pinball machine.

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