Guided Expedition
Joke of the Day Posted on | April 11, 2008 | No Comments
Some American adventure tourists signed up for a guided expedition across the Sahara desert. Upon arriving at their starting point they were surprised to find that the entire journey was to be via camel.
They explained to the expedition leader how they were under the impression the trip was to be taken in four wheel drive vehicles.
“No no,” said Ohmar, “There is no vehicle made that can survive the route we are taking across the desert. Only camels can make this trip and even they require special preparation”
“What kind of special preparation?” asked an American
“Well first I let the camel drink his fill of cool water and then just as he’s taking his last sip I take these two bricks and slam them together on his nuts. The camel instantly sucks up another ten gallons of water… enough for him to survive the long
journey”
“My god,” exclaimed the American, “that must really hurt”
“Not really,” replied Ohmar, “only if I catch my fingers between the bricks”
Daughter’s Marriages
Joke of the Day Posted on | April 10, 2008 | No Comments
A Mother had three daughters and on their weddings, she tells each one of them to write back about their marriage life.
And the first one gets married. The second day the letter arrives with a single message… simply, “Maxwell Coffeehouse.” Mother got confused and finally noticed in a Maxwell, and it says, “Satisfaction to the last drop…” So, Mother is happy.
Then the second daughter gets married. Only after a week was there a message that reads, “Rothmans.” So the Mother looks into the Rothmans ad, and it says, “Life Size, King Size.” And Mother is happy.
Then it was the third one’s wedding. Mother was anxious. Only after four weeks came the message, “British Airways.” And Mother looks into the BA ad, but this time she fainted. The ad reads, “Two times a day, four times a week, both ways.”
I know you were drunk yesterday
Joke of the Day Posted on | April 9, 2008 | No Comments
A fellow decides to take off early from work and go drinking. He stays until the bar closes at three in the morning, at which time he is extremely drunk. After leaving the bar, he returns home on foot.
When he enters his house, he doesn’t want to wake anyone, so he takes off his shoes and starts tip-toeing up the stairs. Half-way up the stairs though, he falls over backwards and lands flat on his back. That wouldn’t have been so bad, except that he had couple of empty pint bottles in his back pockets, and they broke; the broken glass carved up his back terribly. Yet, he was so drunk that he didn’t know he was hurt.
A few minutes later, as he was undressing, he noticed blood, so he checked himself out in the mirror, and, sure enough, his behind was cut up terribly. He then repaired the damage as best he could under the circumstances, and he went to bed.
The next morning, his head was hurting, his back was hurting, and he was hunkering under the covers trying to think up some good story, when his wife came into the bedroom.
“Well, you really tied one on last night,” she said. “Where’d you go?”
“I worked late,” he said, “and I stopped off for a couple of beers.”
“A couple of beers? That’s a laugh,” she replied. “You got plastered last night. Where did you go?”
“What makes you so sure I got drunk last night, anyway?”
“Well,” she replied, “my first big clue was when I got up this morning and found a bunch of band-aids stuck to the mirror.”
Amazon Jungle
Joke of the Day Posted on | April 8, 2008 | No Comments
An explorer was leading an entourage through the Amazon jungle when they heard the sounds of drums.
At the next village, the leader stopped a native and asked him to explain their meaning.
“Bad, real bad when drums stop!” he said before running off.
The drum beating continued to pulsate.
The safari leader asked another native about it.
“Bad, real bad when drums stop!” he said.
A few minutes later the drums did stop, and all the expedition members became panicked. The leader grabbed another villager and demanded to know the situation…
… “Bad, real bad that drums stop,” he blurted. “Now comes bass solo!”
Missing Husband
Joke of the Day Posted on | April 7, 2008 | No Comments
A lady calls the police to report her husband is missing. The police arrive and ask for a description. She tells them he’s 6 foot 2 inches tall , blonde wavy hair and has a smile that makes everybody love him. The police then go to the next door neighbor to verify this report and the lady next door tells the police, “You can’t believe her. He’s 5 foot 4 inches tall, has no hair and he wears a perpetual frown on his face.” The neighbor then goes and asks the lady why she gave the police such a false report.
She replies, “Just because I reported him missing, doesn’t mean I wanted him back!”
The farmer and the salesman
Joke of the Day Posted on | April 6, 2008 | No Comments
A traveling salesman was driving down a farm road when his car suddenly stopped and wouldn’t start again. A farmer on a tractor was passing by and stopped to help the salesman fix his car. By the time they were finished, it was almost sundown, so the farmer told the salesman he could spend the night at his home if he didn’t mind sharing the bed with his twin daughters. The salesman thought the twins were kids, so he said it was okay. They farmer took the salesman to his home and went into the house.
After a few minutes of talking and cleaning up, the men were called to the dinner table by the farmer’s wife. As they sat down, the salesman saw the two most beautiful young ladies he had ever seen. The farmer introduced them as his twin daughters. During the entire meal all the salesman thought about was he was sleeping in the same bed as the girls and he was going to have a good time that night. They all finished their supper and the men went and talked while the women finished cleaning up. The salesman couldn’t keep his mind off what was to be a good time. Finally it was time to go to bed and the salesman anxiously got prepared. The twins got into the bed, one on each side of the salesman. Just as the lights were going to be turned off, the farmer came into the bedroom and placed one egg on both sides of the salesman. The farmer said, “This is to make sure you don’t do anything with my daughters tonight!! If I come in tomorrow morning and find one or both eggs broken, I’ll know you did something and I’ll shoot you!! You understand? Well, the salesman looked at the eggs, the farmer, and the shotgun in the farmer’s hand and quietly replied that he understood. With that, the farmer told them goodnight and turned off the light.
During the night, the salesman turned over and accidentally broke one of the eggs. “What the hell,” he thought, “I’m dead anyway,” and screwed the first twin. After several minutes of bliss, he rolled off of her and broke the other egg. “Might as well go out smiling,” he thought and had his way with the second twin. When he was finished, he noticed that it was almost sunup and the farmer was starting to stir. Thinking quickly, he looked into his sales bag and got out a tube of super glue and glued the eggs back together. The glue dried quick and the salesman jumped back into the bed and had just put both eggs back when the farmer entered.
“I see the eggs are alright, so I guess I won’t shoot you. Want some breakfast?”
“What are you making?” the salesman asked.
Holding up the eggs, he said, “Eggs.”
“No thanks, I’ll eat later, I gotta get going!!!” the salesman quickly said and grabbed his clothes and left.
The farmer went to the stove and broke the first egg over the skillet, but nothing came out. He then broke the second egg and again, nothing came out. Extremely pissed off, the farmer walked out to the hen house and shouted, “Alright…which one of you roosters is wearing a rubber???”
Mommy almost died this morning
Joke of the Day Posted on | April 6, 2008 | No Comments
Little Lucy went out into the garden and saw her cat Piddles lying on the ground with its eyes shut and its legs in the air. She fetched her Dad to look at Piddles, and on seeing the cat he said, as gently as he could, “I’m afraid Piddles is dead, Lucy.”
“So why are his legs sticking up in the air like that, Daddy?” asked Lucy as she fought back the tears.
At a loss for something to say the father replied, “Piddles’ legs are pointing straight up in the air so that it will be easier for Jesus to float down from heaven above and grab a leg and lift Piddles up to heaven.”
Little Lucy seemed to take her Piddles’ death quite well. However, two days later when her father came home from work, Lucy had tears in her eyes and said: “Mommy almost died this morning.”
Fearing something terrible had happened the father shook the girl and shouted, “How do you mean Lucy? Tell Daddy!”
“Well”, mumbled Lucy, “soon after you left for work this morning I saw mommy lying on the floor with her legs in the air and she was shouting, ‘Oh Jesus!!! I’m coming, I’m coming!!!’ and if it hadn’t been for the milkman holding her down she definitely would have gone, Daddy.”
Perfect Day
Joke of the Day Posted on | April 5, 2008 | No Comments
The Perfect Day for Her
8:15AM Wake up to hugs and kisses.
8:30AM Weigh in 5 lbs lighter than yesterday.
8:45AM Breakfast in bed, fresh squeezed OJ & croissants.
9:15AM Soothing hot bath with fragrant lavender bath oil.
10:00AM Workout at club with handsome, funny personal trainer
10:30AM Facial, manicure, shampoo and comb out.
12:00PM Lunch with best friend at outdoor cafe.
12:45PM Notice ex-boyfriends wife, she has gained 30 lbs.
1:00PM Shopping with friends, unlimited credit.
3:00PM Nap.
4:00PM 3 dozen roses delivered by florist from secret admirer
4:15PM Light workout at club, followed by gentle massage.
5:30PM Pick out outfit for dinner, primp before the mirror.
7:30PM Candlelight dinner for two followed by dancing.
10:00PM Hot shower.
10:30PM Make love.
11:00PM Pillow talk, light touching and cuddling.
11:15PM Fall asleep in his big strong arms.
The Perfect Day for Him:
6:00AM Alarm.
6:15AM Blowjob.
6:30AM Massive dump while reading sports section.
7:00AM Breakfast, filet mignon & eggs, toast & coffee.
7:30AM Limo arrives.
7:45AM Bloody Mary enroute to airport.
8:15AM Private jet to Augusta, Georgia (coffee, SI & WSJ)
9:30AM Limo to Augusta National Golf Club.
9:45AM Front nine at Augusta (2 under).
11:45AM Lunch, 2 doz oysters on the half shell, 3 Heinekens.
12:15PM Blowjob.
2:15PM Back nine at Augusta (4 under).
2:30AM Limo back to airport (Martini, shaken, two olives).
3:15PM Private jet, Augusta to Nassau, Bahamas (nap).
4:30PM Land World Record light tackle Marlin (1,249 lbs).
5:00PM Private jet back home (blowjob at 30,000 feet).
6:45PM Shit, shower and shave.
7:00PM Watch Playboy Channel (jerk off).
7:30PM Dinner, Dom Perigon (1963), lobster, 20oz NY Steak.
9:00PM Remy Martin and Cuban Cohiba cigar.
9:30PM Sex with three women (at least 2 are bi).
11:00PM Massage and Jacuzzi.
11:45PM Bed (alone).
11:50PM 12 second, 4 note fart, dog leaves room.
11:55PM Sleep.
The Wife Of An Older Man Is Distraught
Joke of the Day Posted on | April 4, 2008 | No Comments
The wife of an older man is distraught because her husband’s ‘little soldier’ can’t salute anymore.
She goes to her local doctor and explains the situation and the doctor just feels plain bad for her. The doctor thinks for a little bit, turns to the woman and says, “Listen, I don’t do this for everyone, but get this
prescription, and put three drops in his milk before he goes to bed.”
The wife is very happy and thanks the doc profusely.
Two weeks later, the doctor sees the woman and asks how it went.
The lady blushes, smiles and says, “Well I put thirty drops in his milk by accident, and well, we just need an antidote now to close the coffin.”
Cut Out Sex
Joke of the Day Posted on | April 3, 2008 | No Comments
An older man was married to a younger woman. After several years of a very happy marriage, he had a heart attack. The doctor advised him that to prolong his life they should cut out sex.
He and his wife discussed the matter and decided that he should sleep in the family room downstairs to save them both from temptation.
One night, after several weeks, he decided that life without sex wasn’t worth living. So he headed upstairs. He met his wife on the staircase and said, “I was coming up to die.”
She laughed and replied, “I was coming down to kill you!”
About Joke Diary
This site is dedicated to everybody who likes Funny Jokes.
Make A Donation
Funny Jokes everyday for three months from http://JokeDiary.com via email for just 1 dollar donation.
Search Jokes
Nuffnang
Link Me Up
Chat Box