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Collection Department

Joke of the Day Posted on | April 30, 2008 | No Comments

Ann had gotten a job in a collections department. She had to call all the delinquent customers, asking for payment, while still being courteous. After working there for a few months, she had become quite good at her job but realized that many of these customers were routinely delinquent. One man in particular had to be called every month and during this conversation with him, he interrupted her little speech and asked, “Excuse me, are you available?”

Ann quickly replied, “Not as long as your name comes up on my computer screen.”

Mama’s Gift

Joke of the Day Posted on | April 29, 2008 | No Comments

Four brothers left home for college, and they became successful doctors and lawyers and prospered. Some years later, they chatted after having dinner together. They discussed the gifts they were able to give their elderly mother who lived far away in another city.

The first said, “I had a big house built for Mama.”

The second said, “I had a hundred thousand dollar theater built in the house.”

The third said “I had my Mercedes dealer deliver an SL600 to her.”

The fourth said, “You know how Mama loved reading the Bible and you know she can’t read anymore because she can’t see very well. I met this preacher who told me about a parrot that can recite the entire Bible. It took twenty preachers 12 years to teach him. I had to pledge to contribute $100,000 a year for twenty years to the church, but it was worth it. Mama just has to name the chapter and verse and the parrot will recite it.”

The other brothers were impressed. After the holidays Mom sent out her thank you notes.

“She wrote: “Milton, the house you built is so huge. I live in only one room, but I have to clean the whole house. Thanks anyway.”

“Marvin, I am too old to travel. I stay home, I have my groceries delivered, so I never use the Mercedes. The thought was good. Thanks.”

“Michael, you gave me an expensive theater with Dolby sound, it could hold 50 people, but all my friends are dead, I’ve lost my hearing and I’m nearly blind. I’ll never use it. Thank you for the gesture just the same.”

“Dearest Melvin, you were the only son to have the good sense to give little thought to your gift. The chicken was delicious. Thank you.”

Condoms Size

Joke of the Day Posted on | April 28, 2008 | No Comments

A young man walked into the drugstore and shyly asked the pretty girl working there if he could buy some condoms.

Seeing his discomfort, the girl decided to have some fun. She asked what size he needed.

He said he didn’t really know.

So the girl said they came in three sizes, and that there were three holes in the fence outside that they used for sizing tests. He should go outside and put his tool to the test.

When he went outside, the girl snuck around the fence.

When he put his tool through the first hole, she caught him and gave him a handjob.

When he put his tool in the second hole, she gave him oral sex.

When he put his tool in the third hole, she had her pants down and she took him inside herself.

When he was finished, the girl ran around the front. He walked up and she asked,

“So, what size do you need?”

He answered,

“I’ve decided not to buy any condoms; but I will take 8 feet of that fence!”

An extraordinarily handsome man

Joke of the Day Posted on | April 27, 2008 | 1 Comment

“An extraordinarily handsome man decided he had the responsibility to marry the perfect woman so they could produce beautiful children beyond comparison. With that as his mission he began searching for the perfect woman.
Shortly thereafter he met a farmer who had three stunning, gorgeous daughters that positively took his breath away. So he explained his mission to the farmer, asking for permission to marry one of them.
The farmer simply replied, “They’re lookin’ to get married, so you came to the right place. Look ’em over and pick the one you want.”
The man dated the first daughter. The next day the farmer asked for the man’s opinion.
“Well,” said the man, “she’s just a weeeeee bit, not that you can hardly notice…pigeon-toed.”
The farmer nodded and suggested the man date one of the other girls; so the man went out with the second daughter.
The next day, the farmer again asked how things went.
“Well,” the man replied, “she’s just a weeeee bit, not that you can hardly tell…cross-eyed.”
The farmer nodded and suggested he date the third girl to see if things might be better. So he did.
The next morning the man rushed in exclaiming, “She’s perfect, just perfect. She’s the one I want to marry.”
So they were wed right away. Months later the baby was born. When the man visited the nursery he was horrified: the baby was the most ugly, most pathetic human you can imagine. He rushed to his father-in-law asking how such a thing could happen considering the beauty of the parents.
“Well,” explained the farmer, “She was just a weeeee bit, not that you could hardly tell…pregnant when you met her.”

Two Morons

Joke of the Day Posted on | April 26, 2008 | No Comments

Two morons are riding around looking for a place to have a picnic. One moron says, “Hey, lets have a picnic over there under that tree.” The other moron says,” No, no, lets have it in the middle of the road.” They fought and came to a decision to have it in the middle of the road. Not long afterwards a car came speeding towards them, swerved off the road and ran into the tree. One moron says, “See if we were over there we would be dead right now.”

HOW TO COVER YOUR OWN TRACKS

Joke of the Day Posted on | April 25, 2008 | 1 Comment

A lawyer returns to his parked BMW to find the headlights broken and considerable damage. There’s no sign of the offending vehicle but he’s relieved to see that there’s a note stuck under the windshield wiper.

“Sorry. I just backed into your Beemer. The witnesses who saw the accident are nodding and smiling at me because they think I’m leaving my name, address and other particulars. But I’m not.”

Life Without Sex

Joke of the Day Posted on | April 24, 2008 | No Comments

There was a guy who had been having chronic trouble in trying to get an erection. After weeks of frustration, he finally breaks down and goes to the doctor. The doctor gives him a thorough examination and finally makes the diagnosis.

“Well, there’s good news and there’s bad news,” she says. “The bad news is that the muscles around your penis are deteriorating, and there is no cure.”

The guy, on the verge of panic, finally regains his composure.

“So what’s the good news?” he asks.

The doctor says, “There is an experimental treatment available, but there are no guarantees. It involves transplanting the muscles from a baby elephant’s trunk into your penis. Would you like to try it?”

The guy thinks about it and finally says, “Well, the thought of going through life without being able to have sex is just too much for me. What have I got to lose? Let’s do it.”

So the doctor performs the operation.

A few weeks later, the guy takes his girlfriend out to a nice restaurant to celebrate his new equipment. While sitting at the table, he feels a stirring between his legs; it gets progressively worse until it reaches the point of being painful.

Seeking relief, he reaches down and unzips his fly to relieve some of the pressure.

Suddenly, his penis leaps free from his pants, slides over the tabletop and grabs a dinner roll, then returns to his pants again.

“Wow!” says his stunned girlfriend, “That was impressive! Can you do that again?”

Eyes watering and face flushed, he says, “Probably…But I don’t know if I can fit another dinner roll up my ass!”

Location, Location

Joke of the Day Posted on | April 23, 2008 | No Comments

I went to the store the other day. I was only in there for about 5 minutes and when I came out there was a damn motorcycle cop writing a parking ticket. So I went up to him and said, “Come on, buddy, how about giving a guy a break?”

He ignored me and continued writing the ticket, so I called him a pencil-necked nazi. He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having bald tires! So I called him a piece of horsecrap.

He finished the second ticket and put it on the car with the first. Then he started writing a third ticket! This went on for about 5 minutes – the more I abused him, the more tickets he wrote.

But I didn’t care. My car was parked around the corner.

Fig Leaf

Joke of the Day Posted on | April 22, 2008 | No Comments

A guy goes into a costume shop. He says, “I’m going to a costume party, and I want to go as Adam.”

The girl brings out a fig leaf.

But he says, “Not big enough!”

So she brings out a bigger one.

“Still not big enough!”

So he brings out a HUGE fig leaf.

“Still not big enough!” he proudly tells her.

So she says, “Listen, Ace, why don’t you just throw it over your shoulder and go as a gasoline pump?”

Mr. Jones, Your Barracks Door Is Open!

Joke of the Day Posted on | April 21, 2008 | No Comments

Mr. Jones had recently gotten himself a new secretary, and he called her into his office to transcribe a letter for him. When she walked into the room she noticed his fly was open, but rather than mention it to him then and embarrass him, she waited until she was leaving. Then, as she walked by, she said, “Mr. Jones, your barracks door is open.” He was a bit suprised and confused, but finally got it when he realized his zipper was open.

Later on, he decided to play a little trick on his secretary, so he called her in and asked her if when she saw his barraacks door open, did she also notice a proud soldier standing at attention? Being a witty woman, she replied, “No, sir, all I saw was an old, disabled veteran sitting on two duffle bags.”

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