Woman Bashing
Joke of the Day Posted on | March 12, 2008 | No Comments
Why is the space between a women’s breasts and her hips called a waist?
Because you could easily fit another pair of tits in there.
Behind every great man is a woman telling him he’s ignoring her
How many men does it take to open a beer?
None. It should be opened by the time she brings it.
Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?
Because a woman who can’t even afford a washing machine will probably never be able to support you.
Why do women have smaller feet than men?
It’s one of those “evolutionary things” that allows them to stand closer to the kitchen sink.
How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart?
When she starts her sentence with “A man once told me…”
How do you fix a woman’s watch?
You don’t. There’s a clock on the oven.
If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, whom do you let in first?
The dog of course. He’ll shut up once you let him in.
What’s worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig?
A woman that won’t do what she’s told.
I married Miss Right.
I just didn’t know her first name was Always.
I haven’t spoken to my wife for 18 months:
I don’t like to interrupt her.
What do you call a woman who has lost 95% of her intelligence?
Divorced.
Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman’s sex drive by 90%.
It’s called Wedding Cake.
A man inserted an advertisement in the classified: “Wife Wanted.
The next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: “You can have mine.”
The most effective way to remember your wife’s birthday?
Forget it once.
Women will never be equal to men until: They can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are beautiful.
Why do they call it PMS?
Because Mad Cow Disease was already taken.
Which of the following doesn’t belong: wife, meat, eggs, blowjob?
The blowjob. You can beat your wife, your eggs or your meat but you just can’t beat a blowjob.
Did you hear about the new shoe Nike is making for lesbians?
The tongue is twice as long and it will only need one finger to get it off.
How do you tell that you have a high sperm count?
Your date has to chew before she swallows.
How can you tell when a woman is having an orgasm?
Who cares
The fastest way to discover all your bad habits is to get married
Losing a wife can be hard. In my case, it was nearly impossible.
Why does the bride always wear white?
Because it’s good for the dishwasher to match the stove and refrigerator.
Young Advertising Secretary
Joke of the Day Posted on | March 11, 2008 | No Comments
A well-stacked young advertising secretary wore tight knit dresses that showed off her figure, especially when she walked. Her young, aggressive boss motioned her into his office one afternoon and closed the door. Pointing to her tightly covered derriere, he asked, “Is that for sale?”
“Of course not!” she snapped angrily, blushing furiously.
Unchanged, he replied quietly, “Then, I suggest you quit advertising it.”
Education Courses For Women
Joke of the Day Posted on | March 10, 2008 | No Comments
1. Silence, the Final Frontier: Where No Woman Has Gone Before.
2. The Undiscovered Side of Banking: Making Deposits.
3. Combating the Imelda Marcos Syndrome: You Do Not Need New Shoes Everyday.
4. Parties: Going Without New Outfits.
5. Man Management: Discover How Minor Household Chores Can Wait Until after the game.
6. Bathroom Etiquette I: Men Need Space in the Bathroom Cabinet Too.
7. Bathroom Etiquette II: His Razor Is His.
8. Valuation: Just Because It’s Not Important to You . . .
9. Communication Skills I: Tears-The Last Resort, Not the First.
10. Communication Skills II: Thinking Before Speaking.
11. Communication Skills III: Getting What You Want, Without Nagging.
12. Driving a Car Safely: A Skill You CAN Acquire.
13. Party Etiquette: Drinking Your Fair Share.
14. Telephone Skills: How to Hang Up.
15. Introduction to Parking.
16. Advanced Parking: Reversing Into A Space.
17. Overcoming Anal Retentive Behavior: Leaving the Towels on the Floor.
18. Water retention: Fact or Fat.
19. Cooking I: Bringing Back Bacon, Eggs and Butter.
20. Cooking II: Bran and Tofu are Not For Human Consumption.
21. Cooking III: How Not to Inflict Your Diets on Other People.
22. Compliments: Accepting Them Gracefully.
23. PMS: Your Problem . . . Not His.
24. Dancing: Why Men Don’t Like To.
25. Sex-It’s For Married Couples Too.
26. Classic Clothing: Wearing Outfits You Already Have.
27. Household Dust: A Harmless Natural Occurrence Only Women Notice.
28. Integrating Your Laundry: Washing It All Together.
29. Ballet: For Women Only.
30. Oil and Gas: Your Car Needs Both.
31. Learning to Go in Public Restrooms.
32. Appreciating the Humor of the Three Stooges.
33. “Do These Jeans Make My Butt Look Big?”-Why Men Lie.
34. TV Remotes: For Men Only.
35. Sexy Lingerie For Any Occasion.
Insurance Payments
Joke of the Day Posted on | March 9, 2008 | No Comments
Three Insurance salesmen were sitting in a restaurant boasting about each companies’ service.
The first one said, “When one of our insured died suddenly on Monday, we got the news that evening and were able to process the claim for the wife and mailed a check on Wednesday evening.”
The second one said, “When one of our insured died without warning on Monday, we learned of it in 2 hours and were able to hand-deliver a check the same evening.”
The last salesman said, “That’s nothing. Our office is on the 20th floor. One of our insured who was washing a window on the 85th floor, slipped and fell. We handed him his check as he passed our floor!”
Partner Swapping
Joke of the Day Posted on | March 8, 2008 | No Comments
Two couples decide to spend the weekend away together at a posh hotel. When they get there, one guy suggests they indulge in partner-swapping as a trial.
After 2 hours of solid sex by the fireside, the guy turned to his new partner and said, “Wow! This is the very best sex I had in years… I wonder how the girls are doing?”
Oh, my God! Help me!
Joke of the Day Posted on | March 7, 2008 | No Comments
An atheist was spending a quiet day fishing when suddenly his boat was attacked by the Loch Ness monster. In one easy flip, the beast tossed him and his boat high into the air. Then it opened its mouth to swallow both. As the man sailed head over heels, he cried out, “Oh, my God! Help me!”
At once, the ferocious attack scene froze in place, and as the atheist hung in mid-air, a booming voice came down from the clouds, “I thought you didn’t believe in Me!”
“Come on God, give me a break!!,” the man pleaded. “Two minutes ago I didn’t believe in the Loch Ness monster either!”
Glasses
Joke of the Day Posted on | March 6, 2008 | No Comments
While on a car trip, an old couple stopped at a roadside restaurant for lunch. The old woman unfortunately left her glasses on the table, but didn’t miss them until they were back on the highway. By then, they had to travel quite a distance before they could find a place to turn around.
The old man fussed and complained all the way back to the restaurant.
When they finally arrived, as the old woman got out of the car to retrieve her glasses the old man said, “While you’re in there, you may as well get my hat, too.”
Joining a Church
Joke of the Day Posted on | March 5, 2008 | No Comments
Three couples, an elderly couple, a middle-aged couple and a young newlywed couple wanted to join a church. The pastor said, “We have special requirements for new parishioners. You must abstain from having sex for two weeks.”
The couples agreed and came back at the end of two weeks. The pastor went to the elderly couple and asked, “Were you able to abstain from sex for the two weeks?” The old man replied, “No problem at all, Pastor.” “Congratulations! Welcome to the church!” said the pastor.
The pastor went to the middle-aged couple and asked, “Well, were you able to abstain from sex for the two weeks?” The man replied, “The first week was not too bad. The second week I had to sleep on the couch for a couple of nights but, yes, we made it.” “Congratulations! Welcome to the church!” said the pastor.
The pastor then went to the newlywed couple and asked, “Well, were you able to abstain from sex for two weeks?”
“No Pastor, we were not able to go without sex for the two weeks,” the young man replied sadly. “What happened?” inquired the pastor.
“My wife was reaching for a can of paint on the top shelf and dropped it. When she bent over to pick it up, I was overcome with lust and took advantage of her right there.”
“You understand, of course, this means you will not be welcome in our church,” stated the pastor. “We know,” said the young man, “We’re not welcome at Home Depot anymore either.”
Inter Racial Discrimination
Joke of the Day Posted on | March 4, 2008 | No Comments
A first grade class comes in from recess.
Ms. Goldstein the teacher asks Sarah,
“What did you do at recess?”
Sarah says, “I played in the sand box.”
Teacher says, “That’s good. Go to the blackboard, and if you can write ‘sand’ correctly, I’ll give you a fresh baked cookie.”
She does and gets a cookie.
Teacher asks Morris what he did at recess.
Morris says, “I played with Sarah in the sand box.”
Ms. Goldstein says, “Good. If you write ‘box” correctly on the blackboard, I’ll give you a fresh baked cookie.”
Morris does and gets a cookie.
Teacher then asks Abdul bin Mahmoud what he did at recess.
He says, “I tried to play with Sarah and Morris, but they threw rocks at me.”
Ms. Goldstein says, “Threw rocks at you? That sounds like blatant inter-racial discrimination. If you can go the blackboard and write ‘blatant inter-racial discrimination’ I’ll give you a cookie.”
Cannibals Island
Joke of the Day Posted on | March 3, 2008 | No Comments
A shipwreck in the South Pacific has only three survivors who wash ashore on an island inhabited by cannibals.
One is Frenchman. One is an Englishman. One is a New Yorker.
They are quickly captured by the natives and brought to the village where the tribal elders announce that the foreigners will be eaten for dinner and their skins will be used to build a new canoe for the warriors.
As the Frenchman is dragged away kicking and screaming, he yells, “Viva La France!”
As the Englishman is dragged away scratching and clawing, he screams, “God Save The Queen!”
As the New Yorker is dragged away, he pulls out a switchblade and stabs himself repeatedly… shouting, “Screw Your Canoe!”
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