Joke of the Day : Joke Diary

Joke of the Day For Everybody

Toilet Paper

Joke of the Day Posted on | February 19, 2008 | 1 Comment

A husband, tired of his wife asking him how she looks, buys her a full length mirror. This does little to help, as now she just stands in front of the mirror, looking at herself, asking him how she looks.

One day, fresh out of the shower, she is yet again in front of the mirror, now complaining that her breasts are too small. Uncharacteristically, the husband comes up with a suggestion.

“If you want your breasts to grow, then every day take a piece of toilet paper, and rub it between your breasts for a few seconds.”

Willing to try anything, the wife fetches a piece of toilet paper, and stands in front of the mirror, rubbing it between her boobs. “How long will this take?” she asks.

“They’ll grow larger over a period of years,” he replies.

The wife stops. “Why do you think rubbing a piece of toilet paper between my breasts every day will make them grow over the years?”

The husband shrugs. “Why not, it worked for your butt, didn’t it?”

Snake Eye

Joke of the Day Posted on | February 18, 2008 | No Comments

An old snake goes to see his Doctor. “Doc, I need something for my eyes, I can’t see very well these days.”

The Doc fixes him up with a pair of glasses and tells him to return in 2 weeks.

The snake comes back in 2 weeks and tells the doctor he’s very depressed.

Doc says, “What’s the problem? Didn’t the glasses help you?”

“The glasses are fine doc, but I just discovered I’ve been living with a water hose the past 2 years!”

Dream

Joke of the Day Posted on | February 17, 2008 | No Comments

After she woke up, a woman told her husband,

“I just had a dream that you gave me the most beautiful diamond necklace. What do you think it means?”

“You’ll know tonight.” he said with a smile.

The woman could hardly think of anything else all day and she couldn’t wait for her husband to return home.

That evening, the man finally came home with a small package and gave it to his wife.

Delighted, she opened it excitedly to find a book entitled…

“The Meaning of Dreams”

Not Communicative Type

Joke of the Day Posted on | February 16, 2008 | No Comments

A guy picked this woman up in a nightclub and took her home. While they were walking home he didn’t say a thing.

“You’re not the communicative type, are you?” she said as they were undressing.

“Nah,” he replied and pulled out his old fella. “I do all my talking with this.”

“Damn,” said the girl as she leaned forward to look. “You don’t have much to say, do you?”

Toothbrush

Joke of the Day Posted on | February 15, 2008 | No Comments

My son Zachary, 4, came screaming out of the bathroom to tell me he’d dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. So I fished it out and threw it in the garbage. Zachary stood there thinking for a moment, then ran to my bathroom and came out with my toothbrush. He held it up and said with a charming little smile, “We better throw this one out too then, ’cause it fell in the toilet a few days ago.”

Four Minutes

Joke of the Day Posted on | February 14, 2008 | No Comments

A man and his wife are watching a championship boxing match on TV. Early in the second round, one of the fighters goes down for the count. The husband sighs and says, “I’m so disappointed. It was all over in four minutes!”

The wife replies, “Good. Now you know how I feel.”

Any Proof

Joke of the Day Posted on | February 13, 2008 | 1 Comment

A man went to his lawyer and told him, “My neighbor owes me $500 and he doesn’t want to pay up. What should I do?”

“Do you have any proof?” asked the lawyer.

“Nope,” replied the man.

“Okay, then write him a letter asking him for the $1000 he owed you,” said the lawyer.

“But it’s only $500,” replied the man.

“Precisely. That’s what he will reply and we will have the proof we need to nail him.”

Fitness Program

Joke of the Day Posted on | February 12, 2008 | No Comments

When an applicant asked if the company had a fitness program, the human resources manager replied, “Oh, our employees don’t need one.

They are routinely jumping to conclusions, flying off the handle, beating around the bush, running down the boss, going around in circles, dragging their feet, dodging responsibility, passing the buck, climbing the ladder, wading through paper work, pulling strings, throwing their weight around, stretching the truth, bending the rules, stabbing others in their backs and pushing their luck!”

High Tech Milking Machine

Joke of the Day Posted on | February 11, 2008 | No Comments

Lewis’s cousin, the farmer, ordered a high-tech milking machine. Since the equipment arrived when his wife was out of town, he decided to test it on himself first. So, he inserted his penis into the equipment, turned the switch on and everything else was automatic.

Soon, he realized that the equipment provided him with as much pleasure as his wife did. When the fun was over, though, he quickly realized that he couldn’t remove the instrument from his penis. He read the manual but didn’t find any useful information. He tried every button on the instrument, but still without success. Finally, the farmer decided to call the supplier’s Customer Service Hot Line.

“Hello, I just bought a milking machine from your company. It works fantastic, but how do I remove it from the cow’s udder?” “Don’t worry,” replied the customer service rep, “The machine will release automatically once it’s collected two gallons.”

Hearing Aid

Joke of the Day Posted on | February 10, 2008 | No Comments

A man realized he needed to purchase a hearing aid, but he felt unwilling to spend much money. “How much do they run?” he asked the clerk.

“That depends,” said the salesman. “They run from $2.00 to $2,000.”

“Let’s see the $2.00 model,” he said.

The clerk put the device around the man’s neck. “You just stick this button in your ear and run this little string down to your pocket,” he instructed.

“How does it work?” the customer asked.

“For $2.00, it doesn’t work,” the salesman replied. “But when people see it on you, they’ll talk louder!”

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