When U have a tiff with ur spouse
Joke of the Day Posted on | January 11, 2008 | No Comments
It’s 3am, and the man is driving his brand new BMW M3 CSL down the N1 at 240km/h. He’s two minutes away from home when he sees a car on the side of the road, on its roof, and flames all around.
There’s no one else in the area, his cell phone reception is dead, so he stops his car. Sure enough, there’s a beautiful woman in the car, but she’s bleeding to death. The guy reckons “screw it” and rushes home to fetch a blanket. He gets back, puts the blanket on the back seat of his M3, and puts the woman on the blanket. He then rushes her to the hospital.
Six months she lies in the hospital, and he is with her every day and very night. He donates blood to keep her alive. Eventually, she recovers fully, and they get married.
Life is cool for a few years, until one day she gets fed up and decides to leave him. His love of money is obvious, and she feels like a trophy wife.
As she comes down the stairs, struggling with her two suitcases, she reach into her pocket for the keys to the Jaguar. Sure enough, he stops her before she reaches the door, and asks “What are you doing?” “I’m leaving you,” she says. “Oh really, and how are you going to leave? The keys in your hand are for the Jaguar I paid for. It’s my car. You’re not taking it anywhere.”
“Fine,” she says, and throws the keys at him. “And those bulging suitcases?
The clothes you’re wearing? Everything, I’ve paid for. They are my suitcases and my clothes. You’re not taking them any where.”
“Fine,” she says, and throws the suitcases at him. She strips down completely and throws her clothes at him too. “And the blood in your body? I sat with you for six months in the hospital. You know half of the blood is mine. You’re not going anywhere.”
She whips out her tampon and says “I’ll pay you back in monthly installments.”
Kiss My Ass
Joke of the Day Posted on | January 10, 2008 | No Comments
There was a married couple who were in a terrible accident. The woman’s face was burned severely. The doctor told the husband they couldn’t graft any skin from her body because she was so skinny. The husband then donated some of his skin…however, the only place suitable to the doctor was from his buttocks. The husband requested that no one be told of this, because after all,… this was a very delicate matter!
After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the woman’s new beauty. She looked more beautiful than she ever did before! All her friends and relatives just ranted and raved at her youthful beauty! She was alone with her husband one day & she wanted to thank him for what he did.
She said, “Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did for me! There is no way I could ever repay you!!!
He replied, “Oh don’t worry, Honey, I get plenty thanks enough every time your mother comes over and kisses you on your cheek!!
Constipation
Joke of the Day Posted on | January 9, 2008 | 1 Comment
A construction worker goes to the doctor and says, “Doc, I’m constipated.”
The doctor examines him for a minute and then says, “Lean over the table.”
The construction worker leans over the table, the doctor whacks him on the ass with a baseball bat, CRACK… and then sends him into the bathroom.
He comes out a few minutes later and says, “Doc, I feel great. What should I do to prevent constipation in the future?”
The doctor says, “Stop wiping with cement bags!”
Extra Income
Joke of the Day Posted on | January 8, 2008 | No Comments
A husband and wife were having difficulty surviving financially so they decided that the wife should try prostitution as an extra source of income.
The husband drove her out to a popular corner and informed her he would be around the side of the building if she had any questions or problems.
A gentleman pulled up shortly after and asked her how much to go all the way. She told him to wait a minute and ran around the corner to ask her husband.
The husband told her, “Tell him it’s $100.”
She went back and informed the client who complained, “That’s too much! How much for a handjob?”
Once again she asked him to wait a minute and ran to ask her husband how much.
The husband said “Ask for $40.”
The woman ran back and informed the client. He felt that this was an agreeable price and began to remove his pants and underwear. Upon the removal of his clothing the woman took one look at his equipment and then asked him once more wait a moment.
She ran around the corner to her husband,
“Now what?” he asked
“Can I borrow $60?”
Bad Day At Work
Joke of the Day Posted on | January 7, 2008 | No Comments
Jack meets Bill at the bar for a drink after work. Jack really looks down in the dumps.
Bill asks, “Why the long face? Bad day at work?”
“Yeah,” replies Jack. “You know, sometimes I wish I worked for the Pope instead of my boss.”
“Why is that,” asks Bill.
Jack sighs and says, “Cause then I would only have to kiss his ring.”
Feeling Sick
Joke of the Day Posted on | January 6, 2008 | No Comments
A little girl was in church with her mother when she started feeling sick. “Mommy,” she said, “can we leave now?” “No” her mother replied. “Well, I think I have to throw up!” “Then go out the front door and around to the back of the church and throw up behind a bush.”
After about 60 seconds the little girl returned to her seat. “Did you throw up?” Mom asked. “Yes.” “How could you have gone all the way to the back of the church and returned so quickly?” “I didn’t have to go out of the church, Mommy. They have a box next to the front door that says, ‘For the Sick’.”
Wallpaper
Joke of the Day Posted on | January 5, 2008 | No Comments
A fellow decided to decorate his bedroom. He wasn’t sure how many rolls of wallpaper he would need but he knew that the Irishman who lived next door had recently done the same job and the two rooms were identical in size.
“Murphy,” he asked, “How many rolls of wallpaper did you buy for your bedroom?”
“Ten” said Murphy.
So the fellow bought the ten rolls of paper and did the job. It looked wonderful, but he had 2 rolls of wallpaper left over.
“Murphy,” he said. “I bought ten rolls of wallpaper for the bedroom, but I’ve got 2 left over!”
“That’s funny,” said Murphy. “So did I.”
Innocent
Joke of the Day Posted on | January 4, 2008 | No Comments
One day the four-year-old boy I baby-sit told me he was going to have a baby sister. Knowing that his parents wanted more children, I asked,
“So when are you going to get this baby?”
“Daddy says as soon as I start sleeping in my own bed,” was his innocent reply.
What is the fastest thing in the world?
Joke of the Day Posted on | January 3, 2008 | 2 Comments
There were four guys who were in the final stages of interviewing for a prestigious job. They were from Harvard, Yale, MIT, and Stanford. The company decided to fly them all in for dinner and a final interview.
Over dinner at a fine restaurant, the president of the company told the men that all were very worthy applicants, and that he wished he could hire them all, but that they only had enough money budgeted to hire one person. He told them that he would call each of them in one at a time for a final interview the next day, and that he would ask each one of them the same question. Whoever answered the question the best would be the one hired. All applicants agreed that this was fair.
The next day, the first applicant called in was from Harvard. The president posed the question, “What is the fastest thing in the world?”
The young man thought for a moment and replied, “That would have to be a thought.”
“Why do you say that?” asked the president.
“Well, a thought takes no time at all…it is in your mind in an instant, then gone again.”
“Ahh, very good. Thank you,” replied the president.
Next the same question was posed to the young man from Yale, “What is the fastest thing in the world?”
The young man paused and replied, “That would have to be a blink.”
“Why?” asked the president.
“Because you don’t even think about a blink, it’s just a reflex. You do it in an instant.”
The president thanked him, then called in the next person.
The young man from MIT was asked what the fastest thing in the world was, and after hesitating for a brief moment, he replied, “I would have to say electricity. Why? Because a man can flip a switch, and immediately, three miles away a light will go on.”
“I see, very good,” replied the president.
Then, the young man from Stanford was called in. He, too, was asked, “What is the fastest thing in the world?”
“That’s easy…” he replied, “that would have to be diarrhea!”
Rather stunned, the president asked, “Why do you say that?”
“Well, last night after dinner, I was lying in my bed and I got the worst stomach cramps, and before I could THINK, BLINK, or TURN ON THE LIGHTS, sh*t came out!!!!!”
Gay
Joke of the Day Posted on | January 2, 2008 | No Comments
One morning, this gay man woke up from a wonderful dream, only to hear his partner in the bathroom making grunting and moaning sounds. The gay man got out of bed, walked down the hall and opened the bathroom door. The gay man looked at his partner, masturbating with a condom on.
“What the hell are you doing???” he asked his partner.
The gay man’s partner looked up at him sheepishly, “Oh… I was just packing your lunch!”
About Joke Diary
This site is dedicated to everybody who likes Funny Jokes.
Make A Donation
Funny Jokes everyday for three months from http://JokeDiary.com via email for just 1 dollar donation.
Search Jokes
Nuffnang
Link Me Up
Chat Box