Joke of the Day : Joke Diary

Joke of the Day For Everybody

Someone In His Dream

Joke of the Day Posted on | January 21, 2008 | No Comments

Bill woke himself up with a loud “Hello!” to someone in his dream.

As the next day came and went, Bill thought the nocturnal outburst was his alone to remember. But that night, as he and Anne were getting ready for bed, she said dryly, “If you see anyone you know tonight, just wave.”

Second Opinion

Joke of the Day Posted on | January 20, 2008 | No Comments

A man runs into the vet’s office carrying his dog, screaming for help. The vet rushes him back to an examination room and has him put his dog down on the examination table. The vet examines the still, limp body and after a few moments tells the man that his dog, regrettably, is dead. The man, clearly agitated and not willing to accept this, demands a second opinion.

The vet goes into the back room and comes out with a cat and puts the cat down next to the dog’s body. The cat sniffs the body, walks from head to tail poking and sniffing the dog’s body and finally looks at the vet and meows. The vet looks at the man and says, “I’m sorry, but the cat thinks that your dog is dead too.”

The man is still unwilling to accept that his dog is dead.

The vet brings in a black Labrador. The lab sniffs the body, walks from head to tail, and finally looks at the vet and barks. The vet looks at the man and says, “I’m sorry, but the lab thinks your dog is dead too.”

The man, finally resigned to the diagnosis, thanks the vet and asks how much he owes. The vet answers, “$650.”

“$650 to tell me my dog is dead?” exclaimed the man….

“Well,” the vet replies, “I would only have charged you $50 for my initial diagnosis. The additional $600 was for the cat scan and lab tests.”

Motor Vehicle Bureau

Joke of the Day Posted on | January 19, 2008 | No Comments

When I went to get my driver’s license renewed, our local Motor Vehicle Bureau was packed.

The line inched along for almost an hour until the man ahead of me finally got his license.

He inspected his photo for a moment and commented to the clerk, “I was standing in line so long, I ended up looking pretty grouchy in this picture.”

The clerk looked at his picture closely, and reassured him, “It’s okay. That’s how you’re going to look when the cops pull you over anyway.”

Nothing But The Truth

Joke of the Day Posted on | January 18, 2008 | No Comments

Mr. Smith asked his wife for advice about his upcoming court case in which he could possibly win $50,000 from the insurance company. “Honey, if I lie, I’ll win the case. But then I would have broken an oath sworn on the Holy Bible.”

His wife says, “I don’t want to advise you to do the wrong thing, but . . .”

“But, what?”

“Let me put it this way,” his wife explained. “Treat the prosecuting attorney like I treat you in bed.”

Puzzled, Mr. Smith asks, “How so?”

Mrs. Smith replies, “Just lie there ’til he goes away.”

False Teeth

Joke of the Day Posted on | January 17, 2008 | No Comments

A dinner speaker was in such a hurry to get to his engagement that when he arrived and sat down at the head table, he suddenly realized that he had forgotten his false teeth.

Turning to the man next to him he said, “I forgot my teeth!”

The man said, “No problem.” With that he reached into his pocket and pulled out a pair of false teeth. “Try these,” he said.

The speaker tried them. “Thanks, but they’re too loose,” he said.

The man then said, “I have another pair…try these.”

The speaker tried them and responded, “Too tight.”

The man was not taken back at all. He then said, “I have one more pair of false teeth…try them.”

The speaker said, “They fit perfectly!” With that he ate his meal and gave his address.

After the dinner meeting was over, the speaker went over to thank the man who had helped him. “I want to thank you for coming to my aid. Where is your office? I’ve been looking for a good dentist.”

The man replied, “I’m not a dentist. I work at the morgue..”

The General

Joke of the Day Posted on | January 16, 2008 | No Comments

The General went out to find that none of his G.I.s were there. One finally ran up, panting heavily. “Sorry, sir! I can explain, you see I had a date and it ran a little late. I ran to the bus but missed it, I hailed a cab but it broke down, found a farm, bought a horse but it dropped dead, ran 10 miles, and now I’m here.”

The General was very skeptical about this explanation but at least he was here so he let the G.I. go. Moments later, eight more G.I.s came up to the general panting, he asked them why they were late.

“Sorry, sir! We all had dates and they ran a little late, we ran to the bus but missed it, we hailed a cab but it broke down, found a farm, bought a horse but it dropped dead, ran 10 miles, and now we’re here.”

The General eyed them, feeling very skeptical but since he let the first guy go, he let them go, too.

A ninth G.I. jogged up to the General, panting heavily, “Sorry, sir! I had a date and it ran a little late, I ran to the bus but missed it, I hailed a cab but…”

“Let me guess,” the General interrupted, “it broke down.”

“No, sir” said the G.I., “there were so many dead horses in the road, it took forever to get around them.”

Hippie and the Nun

Joke of the Day Posted on | January 15, 2008 | No Comments

A hippie on a city bus notices a young nun sitting across from him and at once finds himself very attracted to her. He moves to sit with her and after telling her that she is the most beautiful woman he has ever seen, he asks her to dinner.

The nun declines, and the hippie proceeds to invite the nun for “perhaps a roll in the hay”. The nun, of course, declines the offer and gets off at the next stop.

The hippie, offended and very disappointed, strikes up a conversation with the bus driver. The driver leans over and says to the hippie, “You really want that nun, huh?”

After the hippie nods emphatically and demonstrates his point with several lewd gestures, the driver grins and thinks for a moment.

“Well,” he says, “Every Thursday at six PM she takes this bus to the local cemetery, where she prays for about an hour. You two could be alone there…”

The hippie grows excited as he thinks of a plan.

Thursday comes and the hippie waits by the entrance to the cemetery. Sure enough, at six PM he sees the nun enter and he quietly follows her. She stops and kneels by a headstone and clasps her hands in prayer.

The eager hippie opens his knapsack, and puts on his costume—a long flowing white robe and a bearded face mask. He tosses a handful of glitter at the nun and catching her attention, he steps slowly towards her.

“My child” he says in a soft voice, “It is I, your Lord. You have been such a faithful servant to me, I have come to reward you with a satisfying sexual experience.”

The nun gasps, “Oh….Well, that is fine, but could you take me from behind? At least that way I could still consider myself a virgin. My vow of celibacy is important to me.”

The hippie, eager to get going nods and takes the nun in his arms. He turns her around, bends her over, and performs anal sex until they are both pleasantly worn out.

After they are finished, the hippie pulls off his mask and shouts… “HAHA, I’M THE HIPPIE!!!”

to which the nun responds by taking off her mask and shouting… “HAHA, I’M THE BUS DRIVER!!!”

The Catch

Joke of the Day Posted on | January 14, 2008 | No Comments

A kind-hearted fellow was walking through Central Park in New York and was astonished to see an old man, fishing rod in hand, fishing over a beautiful bed of red roses.

“Tsk Tsk!” said the passerby to himself. “What a sad sight. That poor old man is fishing over a bed of flowers. I’ll see if I can help.” So the kind fellow walked up to the old man and asked,

“What are you doing, my friend?”

“Fishin’, sir.”

“Fishin’, eh. Well how would you like to come have a drink with me?”

The old man stood put his rod away and followed the kind stranger to the corner bar. He ordered a large glass of vodka and a fine cigar.

His host, the kind fellow, felt good about helping the old man, and he asked, “Tell me, old friend, how many did you catch today?”

The old fellow took a long drag on the cigar, blew a careful smoke ring and replied, “You are the sixth today, sir!”

Prize

Joke of the Day Posted on | January 13, 2008 | 2 Comments

There was this drunk that walked into a bar and sat down at the bar. To his right were three darts. The drunk said to the bartender. (hickup) What are these darts for.

And the bartender replied: Well you see, if anybody can get three bulls eyes in a row they win a prize. The drunk picks up a dart and being very unstable he throws the first dart and falls off the stool. When he picks himself up he sees he made a bullseye. The bartender says: Oh that was a lucky throw. So the drunk picks up the second dart and being very unstable he throws the dart and falls off the stool again. After picking himself up he saw that he made another bullseye.

The bartender is very shaken because no one has ever made three bulls eyes in a row. So the drunk picks up the third dart and being very unstable, throws the dart and falls off the stool again.

After picking himself up he saw that he made the third bullseye and said: give me my prize. I won. Well, since no one has ever made three in a row he really did’nt know what to give to the drunk. So he looked around and saw that there was a large turtle in the fish tank, pick it up and gave it to the drunk.

About three weeks later the same drunk walked into the same bar and sat down on the same stool and told the bartender (hickup) Hey, I want to play that dart game again. The bartender said, Oh so you really think it wasn’t luck the first time hey. The drunk said luck huh, I’ll show you luck and picked up the first dart.

Being very unstable he threw the dart and fell off the stool on to the floor. After picking himself up he saw that he had made a bullseye. The bartender is shaken and thinks: is this guy lucky or am i just stupid. So the drunk picks up the second dart and being very unstable he throws it and falls off the stool onto the floor.

After picking himself up he saw that he made another bullseye. Now the bartender is really shaken because this guy is the only one that has ever made three in a row and just in case he does make the third he needs to start looking for something to give to him. The drunk picks up the third dart and being very unstable throws it and falls off the stool. After picking himself up off the floor he saw that he made another bullseye and said to the bartender: Give me my prize give me my prize, I won. Well the bartender really forgot what he gave the drunk the last time and didn’t want to seem stupid in front of his friends so he said to the drunk: Look I forgot what I gave you the last time you were in here and I don’t want to give you the same thing, can you kind of help me out and tell me what it was. And the drunk replied: (Hickup) A roast beef sandwich on a VERY hard roll.

Insurance Agent

Joke of the Day Posted on | January 12, 2008 | No Comments

Morris walks into an insurance office and asks for a job.

“We don’t need anyone” they replied.

“You can’t afford not to hire me. I can sell anyone, anytime, anything!”

“Well we have two prospects that No One has been able to sell. If you can sell just one, you have a job.”

He was gone about two hours, and returned and handed them two checks, one for $25,000.00 and another for $50,000.00.

“How in the world did you do that ?” they asked.

“I told you I’m the worlds best salesman, I can sell anyone, anywhere, anytime!”

“Did you get a urine sample?” they asked him.

“What’s that?” he asked.

“Well, if you sell a policy over $20,000.00 the company requires a urine sample. Take these two bottles and go back and get urine samples.”

Morris was gone about 6 hours and they were fixing to close when in he walks in with two five gallon buckets, one in each hand. He sets the buckets down, and reaches in his shirt pocket and produces two bottles of urine, and sets them on the desk and says “Here’s Mr.Brown’s and this one is Mr.Smith’s.”

“Thats good” they said, “but what’s in those two buckets?”

“Well, I passed by the Holiday Inn and they were having a state teachers convention, so I stopped and sold them a group policy!”

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