Telephone Lineman
Funny Jokes Posted on Monday, December 31, 2007 by Author @ 5:54 PM
The telephone lineman had been out drinking the night before, and the next day he went to work not feeling too good.He climbed to the top of the first pole and as he took his pliers out to repair the wire he dropped them. He had to climb all the way down to retrieve them. As he got to the bottom of the pole and was picking up his pliers, a small boy who was standing there said,
"My daddy is a lineman too and he would have had two pair of pliers, so he wouldn't have to climb down the pole if he dropped one of them".
The lineman tied to ignore the boy and climbed back up the pole very slowly. About his time he needed a hammer to drive in a large nail. As he was taking it out, it slipped and fell to the ground. Again he had to climb down the pole to retrieve it. So he slowly climbed down the pole and sure enough the little boy was still standing there. He said,
"My daddy is a lineman too and he would have carried two hammers so if he had lost one he wouldn't have to climb down".
This irritated the lineman, but he ignored the boy and climbed back up the pole to finish his work. He was no sooner up the pole when he had to go to the bathroom, so down he climbs from the pole and goes over to the bushes to take a leak. As he was relieving himself he saw the little boy watching him through the bushes.
He'd had it with this kid so he says to him,
"I'll bet your dad doesn't have two of these, does he?"
The boy replied, "No, but his would make two of yours".
Little Old Man
Funny Jokes Posted on Sunday, December 30, 2007 by Author @ 10:47 PM
A woman walked up to a little old man rocking in a chair on his porch. "I couldn't help noticing how happy you look," she said. "What's your secret for a long happy life?""I smoke three packs of cigarettes a day," he said. "I also drink a case of whiskey a week, eat fatty foods, and never exercise."
"That's amazing," the woman said. "How old are you?'
"Twenty-six!" he said.
Hemophiliac Hooker
Funny Jokes Posted on Saturday, December 29, 2007 by Author @ 10:51 PM
A streetwalker was visiting her doctor for a regular check-up. "Any specific problems you should tell me about?" the doctor asked."Well, I have noticed lately that if I get even the tiniest cut, it seems to bleed for hours," she replied. "Do you think I might be a hemophiliac?"
"Well," the doctor answered, "Hemophilia is a genetic disorder and it is more often found in men, but it is possible for a woman to be a hemophiliac. Tell me, how much do you lose when you have your period?" the doctor inquired.
After calculating for a moment the hooker replied, "Oh, about seven or eight hundred dollars, I guess!"
Salesman
Funny Jokes Posted on Friday, December 28, 2007 by Author @ 10:03 PM
Airman Jones was assigned to the induction center, where he advised new recruits about their government benefits, especially their GI insurance.It wasn't long before Captain Smith noticed that Airman Jones was having a staggeringly high success-rate, selling insurance to nearly 100% of the recruits he advised.
Rather than asking him about this, the Captain stood at the back of the room and listened to Jones' sales pitch.
Jones explained the basics of GI Insurance to the new recruits, and then said, "If you are killed in a battle and have a GI Insurance, the government has to pay $200,000 to your beneficiaries. But, if you don't have a GI insurance and get killed in the battle, the government only has to pay a maximum of $6000."
"Now," he concluded, "which group do YOU think they are going to send into battle first?"
Expected Baby
Funny Jokes Posted on Thursday, December 27, 2007 by Author @ 10:11 PM
For weeks a six-year old lad kept telling his first-grade teacher about the baby brother or sister that was expected at his house.One day the mother allowed the boy to feel the movements of the unborn child. The six-year old was obviously impressed, but made no comment. Furthermore, he stopped telling his teacher about the impending event.
The teacher finally sat the boy on her lap and said, "Tommy, whatever has become of that baby brother or sister you were expecting at home?"
Tommy burst into tears and confessed, "I think Mommy ate it!"
Drinking Buddies
Funny Jokes Posted on Wednesday, December 26, 2007 by Author @ 10:11 PM
A couple of drinking buddies who are airplane mechanics are in a hangar at JFK New York. It's fogged in and they have nothing to do.One of them says to the other, "Man, have you got anything to drink?"
The other one says, "Nah, but I hear you can drink jet fuel, and it will kinda give you a buzz."
So they do drink it, get smashed and have a great time, like only drinking buddies can.
The following morning, one of the men wakes up and he just knows his head will explode if he gets up, but it doesn't. He gets up and feels good. In fact, he feels great! No hangover!
The phone rings. It's his buddy. The buddy says, "Hey, how do you feel?"
"Great", he said! "Just great"! The buddy says, "Yeah, I feel great too, and no hangover. That jet fuel stuff is great. We should do this more often!
"Yeah, we could, but there's just one thing . . . "
"What's that?"
"Did you fart yet?"
"No . . . "
"Well, DON'T, 'cause I'm in Phoenix."
Saving Up
Funny Jokes Posted on Tuesday, December 25, 2007 by Author @ 7:58 PM
Everyone in the hotel was talking about the wedding where the groom was 95 years old and the bride was only 23. The groom looked pretty feeble, and some of the guests thought that the wedding night could kill the old man, because his bride was a healthy and vivacious young woman.But the next morning, everyone was surprised to see the bride come down the main stairway slowly, step by step, and painfully bold-legged. She finally managed to hobble to the front desk.
The clerk looked very concerned, and he asked the bride, "What happened to you? You look like you just got done wrestling an alligator."
"Oh my God," said the bride. "He told me that he had been saving up for 75 years.... I thought he meant his money!!"
Mind Over Matter
Funny Jokes Posted on Monday, December 24, 2007 by Author @ 11:07 PM
A strong young man at the construction site was bragging that he could outdo anyone in a feat of strength. He made a special case of making fun of Morris, one of the older workmen.After several minutes, Morris had enough. "Why don't you put your money where your mouth is?" he said. "I will bet a week's wages that I can haul something in a wheelbarrow over to that outbuilding that you won't be able to wheel back."
"You're on, old man," the braggart replied. "It's a bet! Let's see what you got."
Morris reached out and grabbed the wheelbarrow by the handles. Then, nodding to the young man, he said, "All right. Get in."
Extra 15 Dollars
Funny Jokes Posted on Sunday, December 23, 2007 by Author @ 10:49 PM
A successful businessman flew to Vegas for the weekend to gamble. He lost the shirt off his back, and had nothing left but a quarter and the second half of his round trip ticket. If he could just get to the airport he could get himself home.So he went out to the front of the casino where there was a cab waiting. He got in and explained his situation to the cabbie.
He promised to send the driver money from home, he offered him his credit card numbers, his drivers license number, his address, etc. but to no avail. The cabbie said;
"If you don't have fifteen dollars, get the hell out of my cab!"
So the businessman was forced to hitchhike to the airport and was barely in time to catch his flight.
One year later the businessman, having worked long and hard to regain his financial success, returned to Vegas and this time he won big. Feeling pretty good about himself, he went out to the front of the casino to get a cab ride back to the airport. Well who should he see out there, at the end of a long line of cabs, but his old buddy who had refused to give him a ride when he was down on his luck. The businessman thought for a moment about how he could make the guy pay for his lack of charity, and he hit on a plan.
The cabbie recognized the businessman and watched as he got into the first cab in the line. After a short conversation the driver became very agitated and screamed"
"Get the hell out of my cab!!"
The businessman got into the next cab, had another short conversation and was again told, "Get the hell out of my cab!"
The businessman got into the back of each cab in the long line with the same result. When he got to his old friend at the back of the line, he got in and asked "How much for a ride to the airport?"
The cabbie replied, "fifteen bucks, and I bet you don't have any money right?"
The businessman said, "I have plenty of money" and flashed a wad of bills, "Drive on"
As they drove slowly past the line of cabs the businessman smiled as he gave the other cabbies the thumbs up sign.
"I don't get it," said the driver, "why did the rest of the guys scream at you to get out of their cabs?"
"I asked them if they'd give me a blow job for an extra $15"
Rope A Dope
Funny Jokes Posted on Saturday, December 22, 2007 by Author @ 8:19 PM
This guy goes to see the Pope as he was visiting in Europe. There is a huge crowd of people there but he manages to get through.He watches at the Pope stops every once in a while to whisper something in a their ear. He was dressed in his best suit because he really wanted the Pope to talk to him but, as the Pope came up to him, he walked right by and stopped by a guy near him who was homeless and dressed in rags.
So, the man says to himself, "I know why he stopped at him, he's homeless!" So the man pays the homeless guy 50 dollars to use his clothes and he goes back the next day.
Well, this time the Pope stopped at him, leaned over, and whispered, "I thought I told you to get out of here yesterday!
One Hour Charge
Funny Jokes Posted on Friday, December 21, 2007 by Author @ 9:25 PM
A feisty 70 year-old woman had to call a furnace repairman.After a quick inspection, the man put some oil into the motor and handed her a $70 bill for labor.
"Labor charges! One hour?" she exclaimed. "It only took you five minutes!"
The repairman explained that his company had a minimum one-hour charge on every house call.
"Well, I want my remaining 55 minutes of labor," the lady responded, and she handed him a rake.
The repairman spent the next 55 minutes in her yard bagging leaves.
Pack Your Bags
Funny Jokes Posted on Thursday, December 20, 2007 by Author @ 10:38 PM
A man woke up one morning to find his wife packing her bags. "Where the heck are you going?" demanded the husband.The wife replied, "You know all this free sex I've been giving you all these years? Well I just found out I can get $200 a shot for it out in Las Vegas."
With that the husband jumped out of bed and began packing HIS bags, too.
"Where do you think you're going?" demanded the wife.
"I want to see how you can live on $400 a year!"
Government Matchmaker
Funny Jokes Posted on Wednesday, December 19, 2007 by Author @ 10:13 PM
A young lady visited the government matchmaker for marriage and requested - "I'm looking for a spouse. Can you please help me to find a suitable one?"The marriage officer said, "You're requirements please."
"Well, let me see. Needs to be good looking, polite, humorous, sporty, knowledgeable, good at singing and dancing. Willing to accompany me the whole day at home during my leisure hour, if I don't go out. Telling me interesting stories when I need companion for conversation and be silent when I want to rest."
The officer listened carefully and replied, "I understand. You need a television."
The Divorce Is Final
Funny Jokes Posted on Tuesday, December 18, 2007 by Author @ 11:43 PM
A judge was interviewing a lady regarding her pending divorce, and asked, "What are the grounds for your divorce?"She replied, "About four acres and a nice little home in the middle of the property with a stream running by."
"No," he said, "I mean what is the foundation of this case?"
"It is made of concrete, brick and mortar," she responded.
"I mean," he continued, "What are your relations like?"
"I have an aunt and uncle living here in town, and so do my husband's parents."
He said, "Do you have a real grudge?"
"No," she replied, "We have a two-car carport and have never really needed one."
"Please," he tried again, "is there any infidelity in your marriage?"
"Yes, both my son and daughter have stereo sets. We don't necessarily like the music, but the answer to your question is 'yes'."
"Ma'am, does your husband ever beat you up?"
"Yes," she responded, "about twice a week he gets up earlier than I do."
Finally, in frustration, the judge asked, "Lady, why do you want a divorce?"
"Oh, I don't want a divorce," she replied. "I've never wanted a divorce. My husband does. He said he can't communicate with me."
If My Hair Is Done
Funny Jokes Posted on Monday, December 17, 2007 by Author @ 9:59 PM
On their wedding night, the young bride went up to her new husband."Since we're married now, we can arrange our sex life like this: In the evening, if my hair is done, that means I don't want sex at all. If my hair is somewhat undone, that means I may or may not have sex. And if my hair is completely undone, that means I want sex."
"Okay sweetheart," the groom replied. "Just make sure, when I come home, I usually have a drink. If I have only one drink, that means I don't want sex. If I have two drinks, I may or may not want sex. But if I have three drinks, your hair doesn't matter."
Manners In The Bedroom
Funny Jokes Posted on Sunday, December 16, 2007 by Author @ 9:27 PM
The nervous young bride became irritated by her husband's lusty advances on their wedding night and reprimanded him severely. "I demand proper manners in bed," she declared, "just as I do at the dinner table."Amused by his wife's formality, the groom smoothed his rumpled hair and climbed quietly between the sheets. "Is that better?" he asked, with a hint of a smile.
"Yes," replied the girl, "much better."
"Very good, darling," the husband whispered.
"Now would you be so kind as to please pass the pussy?"
Mangled Manhood
Funny Jokes Posted on Saturday, December 15, 2007 by Author @ 11:57 PM
A man was in a terrible accident and his "manhood" was mangled and torn from his body. His doctor assured him that modern medicine could give him back his manhood, but that his insurance wouldn't cover the surgery since it was considered cosmetic.The doctor said that the cost would be $3500 for "small", $6500 for "medium", and $14,000 for "large."
The man was sure he would want a medium or a large, but the doctor urged him to talk it over with his wife before deciding. The man called his wife on the phone and explained their options.
The doctor came back into the room and found the man looking quite dejected. "Well, what have the two of you decided?" he asked.
The man answered, "She'd rather remodel the kitchen!"
Cannibal Logic
Funny Jokes Posted on Friday, December 14, 2007 by Author @ 10:50 PM
Two cannibals, a father and son, were elected by the tribe to go out and get something to eat. They walked deep into the jungle and waited by a path.Before long, along came this little old man. The son said, "Oh dad, there's one."
"No," said the father. "There's not enough meat on that one to even feed the dogs. We'll just wait."
Well, a little while later, along came this really fat man. The son said, "Hey dad, he's plenty big enough."
"No," the father said. "We'd all die of a heart attack from the fat in that one. We'll just wait."
About an hour later, here comes this absolutely gorgeous woman. The son said, "Now there's nothing wrong with that one dad. Let's eat her."
"No," said the father. "We'll not eat her either."
"Why not?" asked the son.
"Because, we're going to take her back alive and eat your mother."
Vocabulary
Funny Jokes Posted on Thursday, December 13, 2007 by Author @ 9:45 PM
Having just finished reading a story to my sixth-grade class, I decided to check the student's knowledge of some of the vocabulary that had been used. "Who knows what the word 'adolescent' means?" I asked.Out of the entire class of 35, not one child raised a hand.
After a few more silent moments, I decided to give them a hint: "Adolescent- it's something all of you are, and I am not."
Finally one boy tentatively raised his hand, and in a very soft voice said, "Virgins?"
Einstein's Speech
Funny Jokes Posted on Wednesday, December 12, 2007 by Author @ 8:19 PM
When Albert Einstein was making the rounds of the speaker's circuit, he usually found himself eagerly longing to get back to his laboratory work. One night as they were driving to yet another rubber-chicken dinner, Einstein mentioned to his chauffeur (a man who somewhat resembled Einstein in looks & manner) that he was tired of speechmaking."I have and idea, boss," his chauffeur said. "I've heard you give this speech so many times. I'll bet I could give it for you."
Einstein laughed loudly and said, "Why not? Let's do it!"
When they arrive at the dinner, Einstein donned the chauffeur's cap and jacket and sat in the back of the room. The chauffeur gave a beautiful rendition of Einstein's speech and even answered a few questions expertly.
Then a supremely pompous professor asked an extremely esoteric question about anti-matter formation, digressing here and there to let everyone in the audience know that he was nobody's fool.
Without missing a beat, the chauffeur fixed the professor with a steely stare and said, "Sir, the answer to that question is so simple that I will let my chauffeur, who is sitting in the back, answer it for me."
The LeRoy Brothers
Funny Jokes Posted on Tuesday, December 11, 2007 by Author @ 9:54 PM
A woman went down to the Welfare Office to get aid. The office worker asked her, "How many children do you have?""Ten," she replied.
"What are their names?" he asked.
"LeRoy, LeRoy, LeRoy, LeRoy, LeRoy, LeRoy, LeRoy, LeRoy, LeRoy, and LeRoy," she answered.
"They're all named LeRoy?" he asked "What if you want them to come in from playing outside?"
"Oh, that's easy," she said. "I just call 'LeRoy,' and they all come running in."
"And, if you want them to come to the table for dinner?"
"I just say, 'LeRoy, come eat your dinner'," she answered.
"But what if you just want ONE of them to do something?" he asked.
"Oh, that's easy," she said. "I just use their last name!"
An American Holiday
Funny Jokes Posted on Monday, December 10, 2007 by Author @ 8:56 PM
Osama bin Laden, severely injured in an American attack, is in a US Army medical facility, when he asks the attending doctor, "Doc, when will I die?""Unsure of the exact time of death," his Western doctor says. "But you will die on an American holiday."
"How do you know it will be on an American holiday?" asks the terrorist.
"Oh," said the doctor, "Any day that you die will be an American holiday."
Fishing License
Funny Jokes Posted on Sunday, December 09, 2007 by Author @ 7:57 PM
A couple of boys were fishing at their special pond off the beaten track. All of a sudden, the Game Warden jumped out of the bushes. Immediately, one of the boys threw his rod down and started running through the woods like a bat out of hell. The Game Warden was hot on his heels.After about a half mile, the boy stopped and stooped over with his hands on his thighs to catch his breath, so the Game Warden finally caught up to him. "Let's see yer fishin' license, little man!" the Warden gasped.
With that, the boy pulled out his wallet and gave the Game Warden a valid fishing license.
"Well, son," said the Game Warden, "you must be about as dumb as a box of rocks! You don't have to run from me if you have a valid license!"
"Yes, sir," replied the boy, "but my friend back there, well, he don't have one."
One Kiss Per Yard
Funny Jokes Posted on Saturday, December 08, 2007 by Author @ 11:01 PM
Walking up to a department store's fabric counter, a pretty girl asked, "I want to buy this material for a new dress.How much does it cost?""Only one kiss per yard," replied the smirking male clerk.
"That's fine," replied the girl. "I'll take ten yards."
With expectation and anticipation written all over his face, the clerk hurriedly measured out and wrapped the cloth, then held it out teasingly.
The girl snapped up the package and pointed to a little old man standing beside her. "Grandpa will pay the bill," she smiled.