Simple Misunderstanding
Funny Jokes Posted on Friday, November 30, 2007 by Author @ 11:39 PM
"It was just a simple misunderstanding, your Honor," testified the man charged with indecent exposure."Explain that statement!" demanded the Judge.
"Well, you see, this girl and I were drinking in a bar and she asked me what I wanted most in a woman -- so I showed her."
Interstate Love
Funny Jokes Posted on Thursday, November 29, 2007 by Author @ 10:50 PM
4 guys are driving cross-country together -- one from Idaho, one from Nebraska, one from Florida, and the last one is from New York. A bit down the road the man from Idaho starts topull potatoes from his bag and throws them out the window.The man from Iowa turns to him and asks, "What the hell are you doing?"
The man from Idaho says, "Man, we have so many of these damned things in Idaho they're laying around on the ground-I'm sick of looking at them!"
A few miles down the road, the man from Nebraska begins pulling husks of corn from his bag and throwing them out the window.
The man from Florida asks "What are you doing that for?" The Nebraskan replies,
"Man, we have so many of these damned things in Nebraska I'm sick of looking at them!"
Inspired by the others, the man from Florida opens the car door and pushes the New Yorker out.
Little Adam
Funny Jokes Posted on Wednesday, November 28, 2007 by Author @ 8:36 PM
Little Adam rushes home from school. He invades the fridge and is scooping out some cherry vanilla ice cream when his mother enters the kitchen. She says,"Put that away Adam! You can't have ice cream now. It's too close to supper time. Go outside and play."
Adam whimpers and says, "There's no one to play with."
Trying to placate him, she says, "OK, I'll play with you. What do you want to play?"
He says, "I wanna play Mommie and Daddy."
Trying not to register surprise, and to further appease him, she says, "Fine, I'll play. What do I do?"
Adam says, "You go up to the bedroom and lie down."
Figuring that she can easily control the situation, she goes upstairs.
Adam, feeling a bit cocky, swaggers down the hall and opens the utility closet. He dons his father's old fishing hat. As he starts up the stairs he notices a cigarette butt in the ashtray on the end table. He picks it up and slips it in the corner of his mouth. At the top of the stairs he moves to the bedroom doorway.
His mother raises up and says, "What do I do now?"
In a gruff manner, Adam says, "Get your butt downstairs and get that kid some ice cream!"
Athlete's Pussy
Funny Jokes Posted on Tuesday, November 27, 2007 by Author @ 10:03 PM
This guy fell asleep on the beach one day and the wind came up and blew sand all over him until he was covered with only his big toe sticking out.An old nympho was walking down the beach, saw the toe sticking up, pulled down her bikini bottom and squatted over the toe. She humped away till she was satisfied, pulled up her drawers and left.
The guy woke up, brushed the sand away and left, not knowing what happened. The next day his foot itched like hell, and had a sore on it. He went to the Dr. and after an exam the doc told him he had syphilis of the big toe.
"Syphilis of the big toe?", he inquired, "isn't that rare."
The doc said "You think that's rare, I had a woman in here this morning with athlete's pussy."
Holding Out
Funny Jokes Posted on Monday, November 26, 2007 by Author @ 10:08 PM
A fellow in a bar notices a woman, always alone, come in on a fairly regular basis. After the second week, he made his move."No thank you." she said politely. "This may sound rather odd in this day and age, but I'm keeping myself pure until I meet the man I love."
"That must be rather difficult." the man replied.
"Oh, I don't mind too much." she said. "But, it has my husband pretty upset."
He said...She said
Funny Jokes Posted on Sunday, November 25, 2007 by Author @ 9:20 PM
10) He said... I don't know why you wear a bra; you've got nothing to put in it.She said...You wear briefs, don't you?
9) She said...What do you mean by coming home half drunk?
He said... It's not my fault...I ran out of money.
8) He said ... Since I first laid eyes on you, I've wanted to make love to you in the worst way.
She said...Well, you succeeded.
7) He said... 'Two inches more, and I would be king'
She said...'Two inches less, and you'd be queen
6) On wall in ladies room: "My husband follows me everywhere." Written just below it: "I do not."
5) He said... "Shall we try a different position tonight?"
She said..."That's a good idea.... you stand by the ironing board while I sit on the sofa and fart. "
4) Priest... 'I don't think you will ever find another man like your late husband.'
She said...'Who's gonna look?'
3) He said ... What have you been doing with all the grocery money I gave you?
She said...Turn sideways and look in the mirror.
2) He said ... Let's go out and have some fun tonight.
She said...Okay, but if you get home before I do, leave the hallway light on.
...and the number 1 "He said...She said"..
1) He said ... Why don't you tell me when you have an orgasm?
She said...I would, but you're never there.
My Goldfish Died
Funny Jokes Posted on Saturday, November 24, 2007 by Author @ 4:50 PM
Little Tim was in the garden filling in a hole when his neighbor peered over the fence. Interested in what the rosy-cheeked youngster was up to, he politely asked, "What are you up to there, Tim?""My goldfish died," replied Tim tearfully, without looking up, "and I've just buried him."
The neighbor was concerned, "That's an awfully big hole for a goldfish, isn't it?"
Tim patted down the last heap of earth then replied, "That's because he's inside your freakin' cat!"
The Winning Lottery Number
Funny Jokes Posted on Friday, November 23, 2007 by Author @ 10:26 PM
Every year at the state fair Paul entered the lottery for the brand new truck and lost. This year, he told his friend David, he wasn't going to bother and enter."What kind of attitude is that?" David asked. He leaned closer and whispered, "What you need, pal, is faith. Look around and see if the good Lord sends you a message."
Strolling around the fair, Paul grew more and more despondent as the drawing neared. Nothing struck him, no divine inspiration, no sign from God.
Finally, while he was passing old Mrs. Kelleher's pie stand, he glanced over and saw the woman bending down. She wasn't wearing any panties, and suddenly her ass began to glow. All of a sudden, a finger of flame came from the skies and without her even knowing it, used her ass as a notepad. The fiery finger etched a seven on each cheek.
Thanking God, Paul rushed to the raffle booth and played the number 77. A few minutes later, the drawing was held. And once again, Paul lost.
The winning number was 707....
Horse
Funny Jokes Posted on Thursday, November 22, 2007 by Author @ 8:41 PM
This man was sitting quietly reading his paper one morning, peacefully enjoying himself, when his wife sneaks up behind him and whacks him on the back of his head with a huge frying pan.MAN: "What was that for?"
WIFE: "What was that piece of paper in your pants pocket with the name Marylou written on it?"
MAN: "Oh honey, remember two weeks ago when I went to the horse races? Marylou was the name of one of the horses I bet on."
The wife is satisfied, apologizes, and goes off to do work around the house.
Three days later he is once again sitting in his chair reading and she repeats the frying pan swatting.
MAN: "What was that for this time?"
WIFE: "Your horse phoned."
A Jealous Husband
Funny Jokes Posted on Wednesday, November 21, 2007 by Author @ 10:07 PM
A jealous husband hired a private detective to check on the movements of his wife. The husband wanted more than a written report; he wanted video of his wife's activities.A week later, the detective returned with a video. They sat down together to watch it. Although the quality was less than professional, the man saw his wife meeting another man! He saw the two of them laughing in the park. He saw them enjoying themselves at an outdoor cafe. He saw them dancing in a dimly lit nightclub. He saw the man and his wife participate in a dozen activities with utter glee.
"I just can't believe this," the distraught husband said.
The detective said, "What's not to believe? It's right up there on the screen!"
The husband replied, "I can't believe that my wife could be so much fun!"
Adult Movie
Funny Jokes Posted on Tuesday, November 20, 2007 by Author @ 8:54 PM
A blond decides to do something she hasn't done before, and goes to the video store to rent her first X-rated adult video. After looking around at the store, she selects a title that sounds very stimulating.She drives home, lights some candles, slips into something comfortable, and puts the tape in the VCR. To her disappointment there's nothing but static on the screen. She calls the store to complain stating, "I just rented an adult movie from you and there's nothing on the tape, but static."
The clerk apologized about the defective video and asked, "Which title did you rent?"
The blond replied, "It's called 'Head Cleaner.'"
Incredible Indian
Funny Jokes Posted on Monday, November 19, 2007 by Author @ 10:25 PM
Two cowboys come upon an Indian lying on his stomach with his ear to the ground. One of the cowboys stops and says to the other, "You see that Indian?""Yeah," says the other cowboy.
"Look," says the first one, "he's listening to the ground. He can hear things for miles in any direction."
Just then the Indian looks up. "Covered wagon," he says, "about two miles away. Have two horses, one brown, one white. Man, woman, child, household effects in wagon."
"Incredible!" says the cowboy to his friend. "This Indian knows how far away they are, how many horses, what color they are, who is in the wagon, and what is in the wagon. Amazing!"
The Indian looks up and says, "Ran over me about a half hour ago."
Snoring
Funny Jokes Posted on Sunday, November 18, 2007 by Author @ 1:34 PM
By the time the sailor pulled into a little town, every hotel room was taken."You've got to have a room somewhere," he pleaded. "Or just a bed, I don't care where."
"Well, I do have a double room with one occupant - an Air Force guy," admitted the manager, "and he might be glad to split the cost. But to tell you the truth, he snores so loudly that people in adjoining rooms have complained in the past. I'm not sure it'd be worth it to you."
"No problem," the tired Navy man assured him. "I'll take it."
The next morning the sailor came down to breakfast bright-eyed and bushy-tailed. "How'd you sleep?" asked the manager.
"Never better."
The manager was impressed. "No problem with the other guy snoring?"
"Nope, I shut him up in no time" said the Navy guy.
"How'd you manage that?" asked the manager.
"He was already in bed, snoring away, when I came in the room," the sailor explained.
"I went over, gave him a kiss on the cheek, and said, 'Goodnight, beautiful,' and he sat up all night watching me."
Avid Golfer
Funny Jokes Posted on Saturday, November 17, 2007 by Author @ 6:17 PM
A young man who was also an avid golfer, found himself with a few hours to spare one afternoon. He figured if he hurried and played very fast, he could get in 9 holes before he had to head home. Just as he was about to tee off an old gentleman shuffled onto the tee and asked if he could accompany the young man as he was golfing alone. Not being able to say no, he allowed the old gent to join him.To his surprise the old man played fairly quickly. He didn't hit the ball far, but plodded along consistently and didn't waste much time.
Finally, they reached the 9th fairway and the young man found himself with a tough shot. There was a large pine tree right in front of his ball - and directly between his ball and the green. After several minutes of debating how to hit the shot the old man finally said,
"You know, when I was your age I'd hit the ball right over that tree."
With that challenge placed before him, the youngster swung hard, hit the ball up, right smack into the top of the tree trunk and it thudded back on the ground not a foot from where it had originally lay.
The old man offered one more comment, "Of course, when I was your age that pine tree was only 3 feet tall."
Cheap Shepherd
Funny Jokes Posted on Friday, November 16, 2007 by Author @ 8:02 PM
After being away on business, Tim thought it would be nice to bring his wife a little gift. "How about some perfume?" he asked the cosmetics clerk. She showed him a bottle costing $50.00."That's a bit much," said Tim, so she returned with a smaller bottle for $30.00. "That's still quite a bit," Tim complained.
Growing annoyed, the clerk brought out a tiny $15.00 bottle. "What I mean," said Tim, "is I'd like to see something really cheap."
The clerk handed him a mirror.
A Desert Man
Funny Jokes Posted on Thursday, November 15, 2007 by Author @ 11:42 PM
A fellow who had spent his whole life in the desert, decides to visit a friend in the city. He'd never seen a train or the tracks they run on. While standing in the middle of the railroad tracks one day, he hears this whistle--Whooee da Whooee!--but doesn't know what it is.Predictably, he's hit and is thrown to the side of the tracks. It was only a glancing blow, so he was fortunate to receive only some minor internal injuries, a few broken bones, and some bruises.
After weeks in the hospital recovering, he's at his friend's house. While in the kitchen, he suddenly hears the teakettle whistling. He grabs a baseball bat from the nearby closet and proceeds to batter and bash the teakettle into an unrecognizable lump of metal.
His friend, hearing the ruckus, rushes into the kitchen, sees what has happened and asks the desert man, "Why'd you ruin my good teakettle?" The desert man replies, "Man, you gotta kill these things when they're small."
Headstone
Funny Jokes Posted on Wednesday, November 14, 2007 by Author @ 11:05 PM
Husband and his wife had a bitter quarrel on the day of their 40th wedding anniversary.The husband yells, "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads, 'Here Lies My Wife - Cold As Ever'."
"Yeah" she replies, "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads,'Here Lies My Husband - Stiff At Last.'"
Breaking The Rules
Funny Jokes Posted on Tuesday, November 13, 2007 by Author @ 7:23 PM
On the first day of college, the Dean addressed the students, pointing out some of the rules:"The female dormitory will be out-of-bounds for all male students and the male dormitory to the female students. Anybody caught breaking this rule will be fined $20 the first time."
He continued, "Anybody caught breaking this rule the second time will be fined $60. Being caught a third time will cost you a fine of $180. Are there any questions?"
At this point, a male student in the crowd inquired: "How much for a season pass?"
Penguin
Funny Jokes Posted on Monday, November 12, 2007 by Author @ 10:21 PM
A guy is walking down the street, and he's really horny. So he goes to the first whore house he sees. He only has five dollars, so they kick him out.The guy goes to the next one. But, since he only has five dollars, he gets kicked out again.
So by this time, he's really super horny, so he goes to the next one and says "Look, I only have five dollars. I'm really horny, and I need a blow-job for 5 dollars!"
The guy there says "OK. For five dollars, we can give you a penguin."
"What's a penguin?"
"You'll see."
So, the guy takes the $5 and leads the horny man to a bedroom. The horny man unzips his pants, and waits for his "penguin." Soon, a whore comes in and starts giving the guy a blow job. Just as he's about to let loose, she stops and walks away. Now, the horny guy with his pants at his ankles, waddles after her, shouting "HEY! WHAT'S A PENGUIN?!"
A Good Answer
Funny Jokes Posted on Sunday, November 11, 2007 by Author @ 9:27 PM
A mother, accompanied by her small daughter, was in New York City. The mother was trying to hail a cab, when her daughter noticed several wildly dressed women who were loitering on a nearby street corner.The mother finally hailed her cab and they both climbed in, at which point the daughter asks her mother, "Mommy, what are all those ladies waiting for by that corner?"
The mother replies, "Those ladies are waiting for their husbands to come home from work."
The cabbie, upon hearing this exchange, turns to the mother and says, "Ahhhhhhh, C'mon lady! Tell your daughter the truth! For crying out loud. They're hookers!"
A brief period of silence follows, and the daughter then asks, "Mommy, do the ladies have any children?"
The mother replies, "Of course dear. Where do you think cabbies come from?"
Saint
Funny Jokes Posted on Saturday, November 10, 2007 by Author @ 9:35 PM
There were two evil brothers. They were rich and used their money to keep their ways from the public eye. They even attended the same church and looked to be perfect Christians.Then, their pastor retired and a new one was hired. Not only could he see right through the brothers' deception, but he also spoke well and true, and the church started to swell in numbers. A fund-raising campaign was started to build a new assembly.
All of a sudden, one of the brothers died. The remaining brother sought out the new pastor the day before the funeral and handed him a check for the amount needed to finish paying for the new building.
"I have only one condition," he said. "At his funeral, you must say my brother was a saint." The pastor gave his word and deposited the check.
The next day at the funeral, the pastor did not hold back. "He was an evil man," he said. "He cheated on his wife and abused his family." After going on in this vein for a small time, he concluded with:
"But, compared to his brother, he was a saint."
The Garden Party
Funny Jokes Posted on Friday, November 09, 2007 by Author @ 11:09 PM
A wealthy woman is giving a garden party, and several well-to-do guests attend. While the party ensues, two gardeners are out on the back lawn working. One of the guests was watching the gardeners do their thing, and while one gardener was busy weeding the other jumped up and did graceful swirling dance movements.Taken by his grace, the guest remarked to the host, 'That man is such a talented dancer, that I'd pay him a hundred pounds to demonstrate his dancing before my aerobics class! 'When the host asked the first gardener about such an arrangement, he yelled, 'Hey Fred! Do you think for a hundred pounds you could step on that rake again?'
Stretching A Dime
Funny Jokes Posted on Thursday, November 08, 2007 by Author @ 7:37 PM
A Ukrainian and a Jew were discussing how far each could make a dime reach, and agreed to try it and meet a few days later to see who'd get the most out of a dime.The Jew bought a cigar, and smoked one-third the first day and saved the ashes. He smoked one-third the second day and saved the ashes. He smoked one-third the third day and again saved the ashes, and on the fourth day he gave the ashes to his wife to use as fertilizer on her roses. He told the Ukrainian, "I know you can't beat that for stretching a dime."
The Ukrainian said, "I got you beat. I bought a Polish sausage for a dime, and the first day I ate one-half, and on the second day I ate the other one-half. The third day I used the skin for a condom, and the fourth day I took a shit in the skin and sewed it back up. The fifth day I took it back to the butcher and told him it smelled like shit. He agreed with me and gave me my dime back!"
Funeral Notice
Funny Jokes Posted on Wednesday, November 07, 2007 by Author @ 7:50 PM
The local newspaper funeral notice telephone operator received a phone call. The woman on the other end asked, "How much do funeral notices cost?""$5.00 per word, Ma'am," came the response.
"Good, do you have a paper and pencil handy?"
"Yes, Ma'am."
"OK, write this: 'Cohen died.'"
"I'm sorry, Ma'am; I forgot to tell you there's a five-word minimum."
"Hmmph," came the reply, "You certainly did forget to tell me that." A moment of silence. "Got your pencil and paper?"
"Yes, Ma'am."
"OK, print this: 'Cohen died, Cadillac for sale.'"
Three Cowboys
Funny Jokes Posted on Tuesday, November 06, 2007 by Author @ 7:48 PM
Three cowboys, one from Texas, one from Kansas and one from Oklahoma. went into a bar bragging about who was the worst of the three.The Oklahoman said, "Watch this!" and yelled at the barmaid, "Hey, barmaid. Bring me a pitcher of beer and get your buns over here." When the barmaid got there, the guy fr