Calf
Funny Jokes Posted on Wednesday, October 31, 2007 by Author @ 7:38 PM
A motorist driving by a Texas ranch hit and killed a calf that was crossing the road. The driver went to the owner of the calf and explained what had happened. He then asked what the animal was worth."Oh, about $200 today," said the rancher. "But in six years it would have been worth $900. So $900 is what I'm out."
The motorist sat down and wrote out a check and handed it to the farmer.
"Here," he said, "is the check for $900. It's post-dated six years from now."
A Wedding
Funny Jokes Posted on Tuesday, October 30, 2007 by Author @ 8:50 PM
A wedding occurred, just outside Cavan in Ireland. To keep tradition going, everyone got pissed and the bride's and groom's families had a storming rage and begin wrecking the reception room and generally kicking the crap out of each other.The police get called in to break up the fight.
The following week, all members of both families appear in court. The fight continues in the court room until the Judge finally brings calm with the use of his hammer, shouting "Silence in Court."
The court room goes silent and Paddy (the best man) stands up and says, "Judge.. I was the best man at the wedding and I think I should explain what happened."
The Judge agrees and asks Paddy to take the stand. Paddy begins his explanation by telling the court that it is traditional in a Cavan wedding that the Best Man gets the first dance with the Bride.
The judge says "OK."
"Well", said Paddy, "After I had finished the first dance, the music kept going, so I continued dancing to the second song, and after that the music kept going and I was dancing to the third song.. when all of a sudden the Groom leap over the table, ran towards us and gave the Bride an unmerciful kick in her privates."
The Judge instantly responded... "Wow.. that must have hurt!"
Paddy replies "HURT!.. He broke three of my fingers!"
Donation Box
Funny Jokes Posted on Monday, October 29, 2007 by Author @ 11:55 PM
Every Friday night, a little old lady placed $1,000 in the donation box at church. This went on for weeks until the Priest, overcome with curiosity, approached her."Mrs. Bradley, I couldn't help but notice that you put $1,000 a week in the donation box," he stated.
"Why yes," she replied, "every week my son sends me money, and what I don't need I give to the church."
"That's wonderful, how much does he send you?"
"Oh, $2,000 a week."
"Your son is very successful, what does he do for a living?"
"I believe he is a veterinarian," she answered.
"That is a very honorable profession. Where does he practice?"
"Well, he has one cat house in Chicago, and another in Dallas..."
You can't keep a good man down
Funny Jokes Posted on Sunday, October 28, 2007 by Author @ 1:44 PM
During my first year in college, I lived on the campus' first "co-ed by room" dormitory floor.All the other floors had girls in one wing, and boys in the other wing, separated by a big shared lounge. But on our floor we had girls next door and directly across the hallway. It worked out great, and there were no problems or complaints.
Anyway, one morning I woke up early and had to take a leak, so I sleepily shuffled down the hallway toward the bathroom, wearing only my boxer shorts. Nothing out of the ordinary.
I passed a couple of girls on their way to breakfast and I mumbled a half-awake "good morning." They didn't respond. Instead, they stopped walking, turned around and watched me, as I walked past them. Then they burst out laughing.
I thought, "What's up with them?! This is how people look in the morning, when they're half awake." I walked into the bathroom, stepped into the stall, and reached down to free the Big Guy for a much needed pee.
To my horror, the Big Guy was already out of the front of my boxers! And he wasn't looking the least bit sleepy! He'd been proudly saluting all the way to the bathroom! I guess it's true what they say: You can't keep a good man down.
Minor Operation
Funny Jokes Posted on Saturday, October 27, 2007 by Author @ 10:18 PM
A beautiful young girl was about to undergo a minor operation. She lay on a rolling bed and the nurse brought her into the corridor. Before entering the room, the nurse left her behind the surgery room door to go in and check if everything was ready.A young man wearing a white coat approached, took the sheet away and began examining her naked body. He walked away and talked to another man in a white coat. The second man came over and did the same examination.
When a third man started examining her body very closely, she grew impatient and asked, "These examinations are fine and appreciated, but when are you going to start the operation?"
The man in the white coat shrugged his shoulders and told her, "I have no idea. We're just painting the corridor."
Condoms
Funny Jokes Posted on Friday, October 26, 2007 by Author @ 11:07 PM
Imagine if major companies from all around the world started producing or sponsoring condoms.They would become fashionable and companies would probably advertise more openly. Imagine the trademarks:
Nike Condoms : - Just do it.
Toyota Condoms : - Oh.. what a feeling.
Ford Condoms : - The ride of your life.
Sony Condoms : - Do not underestimate the power of Sony Condoms.
Microsoft Condoms : - Where do you want to go today ?
KFC Condoms : - Finger Licking Good.
M&Ms Condoms : - Melt in your mouth, not in your hands.
Coca-Cola Condoms : - The Real Thing.
Ever-Ready Condoms : - Keep going and going ....
Macintosh Condoms : - It does more, it costs less, it's that simple.
Pringles Condoms : - Once you pop, you can't stop.
USA Brands
Budwiser Condoms:- This bud's for you
Burger King Condoms:- Home of the Whopper
Gatorade Condoms:- The thirst Quencher Ball
Park Franks Condoms:- They plump when you use em
Charmin Condoms:- Don't squeeze the Charmin
Telecom Brands
Nokia Condoms:- This is Human Technology
Ericsson Condoms:- It's all about connecting people
ATT Condoms:- The right choice
Motorola Condoms:- What you never thought possible
And my personal favorite:
Movies Godzilla Condoms:- Size does matter!!!
Pad, Please!
Funny Jokes Posted on Thursday, October 25, 2007 by Author @ 11:19 PM
An insurance man visited me at home to talk about our mortgage insurance. He was throwing a lot of facts and figures at me, and I wanted to follow as best I could, so I told my 6-year-old son to run and get me a pad. He came back and handed me a Kotex right in front of our guest.Research
Funny Jokes Posted on Wednesday, October 24, 2007 by Author @ 10:12 PM
In 1993, the University of Kentucky did a Research to see why the head of a man's penis was larger than the shaft. After one year and $ 80,000.00, they concluded that the reason the head was larger than the shaft was to give the man more pleasure during sex.After the study was published, the University of South Carolina decided to do their own Research. After $250,000.00, and 3 years of research, they concluded that the reason was to give the woman more pleasure during sex.
The University of Georgia, unsatisfied with these findings, conducted their own Research. After 2 weeks and a cost of around $75.46, they concluded that it was to keep a man's hand from flying off and hitting him in the forehead.
Liar!!
Funny Jokes Posted on Tuesday, October 23, 2007 by Author @ 10:29 PM
My Lying Wife "That wife of mine is a liar," said the angry husband to a sympathetic pal seated next to him in the bar."How do you know?" the friend asked.
"She didn't come home last night and when I asked her where she'd been, she said she had spent the night with her sister, Shirley."
"So?"
"So she's a liar. I spent the night with her sister Shirley."
Qantas
Funny Jokes Posted on Monday, October 22, 2007 by Author @ 8:50 PM
A mother and her son were flying Qantas from Perth to Sydney. The son, who had been looking out the window, turned to his mother and said, "Why don't big planes have baby planes?" The mother, who couldn't think of an answer, told her son to ask the flight attendant. So, the little boy asked the flight attendant, "If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?" The flight attendant asked, "Did your mother tell you to ask me that?" The boy said that she had. With a clever grin, the flight attendant said, "Tell your mother it's because Qantas always pulls out on time."Scottish Ticket Dodgers
Funny Jokes Posted on Sunday, October 21, 2007 by Author @ 9:19 PM
Three Scots and three Englishmen are traveling by train to a football match. At the station, the three Englishmen each buy tickets and watch as the three Scots buy only a single ticket."How are three people going to travel on only one ticket?" asked one of the three Englanders.
"Watch and you'll see," answers one of the Scotsmen.
They all board the train. The Englishmen take their respective seats but all three Scotsmen cram into a toilet and close the door behind them. Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor comes around collecting tickets. He knocks on the toilet door and says, "Ticket, please." The door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand. The conductor takes it and moves on.
The English saw this and agreed it was quite a clever idea. So after the conference, the Englishmen decide to copy the Scots on the return trip and save some money. When they get to the station, they buy a single ticket for the return trip. To their astonishment, the Scots don't buy a ticket at all.
"How are you going to travel without a ticket," asks one perplexed Englishman.
"Watch and you'll see," says one of the Scotsmen. When they board the train the three Scots cram into a toilet and the three Englishmen cram into another one nearby.
The train departs. Shortly afterward, one of the Scots leaves his restroom and walks over to the restroom where the Englishmen are hiding. He knocks on the door and says, "Ticket, please."
Stranded
Funny Jokes Posted on Saturday, October 20, 2007 by Author @ 11:30 PM
There was once a man and his dog, who were stranded on an island. One day, the man was really desperate and wanted to have sex real bad, so he went round the island, hoping to find something, except for a barrel.So with that, he poked a hole through the middle of the barrel and screwed till he was satisfied. Ever since then, he used that to fulfill his sexual desires. One day, his dog, has the sexual urge too, so it decides to use the method that its master have been using. So the two of them used the barrel until they died.
About 50 years later, the island was discovered by a group of old nuns and they built a nunnery there.
One day the Chief Nun found a certain barrel which contained a load full of wax, so she took it and made them into candles. The candles were then being used to light up the nunnery in the dark until one day, a nun got naughty and decided to satisfy herself with the candles. She throughly enjoyed herself from that.
However 10 months later, she rushed into the Mother Superior's room and said, "I've got to confess, I used the candle to screw myself 10 months ago and now I have a baby."
Mother Superior then replied, "You're more fortunate my child, I've got a puppy..."
Recovering
Funny Jokes Posted on Friday, October 19, 2007 by Author @ 10:10 PM
"You seem to be recovering," the doctor said. "These x-rays show some damage to the bone, but I wouldn't worry about it.""Believe me," the patient said, "if your bone were damaged, I wouldn't worry about it either."
A Dark and Stormy Night
Funny Jokes Posted on Thursday, October 18, 2007 by Author @ 11:19 PM
A man stood on the side of the road hitch hiking on a very dark night in the middle of a storm. The night was rolling and no cars passed. The storm was so strong, he could hardly see a few feet ahead of him. Suddenly he saw a car come towards him and stop.The guy, without thinking about it, got in the car and closed the door only to realize that nobody was behind the wheel. The car started slowly. The guy looked at the road and saw a curve coming his way.
Scared, he started praying, and begged for his life. He hadn't come out of shock, when just before he hit the curve, a hand appeared through the window and moved the wheel. The guy, paralyzed in terror, watched how the hand appeared every time before a curve.
The guy gathered strength, got out of the car and ran to the nearest town. Wet and in shock, he ran into a bar and asked for two shots of tequila, and started telling everybody about the horrible experience he went through. A silence enveloped everybody when they realized the guy was crying and wasn't drunk.
About half an hour later, two guys walked into the same bar, and one said to the other. "Look, that's the character who climbed into our car while we were pushing!"
$80,000 Mortgage
Funny Jokes Posted on Wednesday, October 17, 2007 by Author @ 10:45 PM
An 8 year old boy asks his daddy for a bike. Dad says "I can't afford a new bike right now, I got an $80,000 mortgage". The son sulked off disappointed. The following day when mom and dad returned home from work the son was on the front porch with his suitcase packed and said "I'm out of here!" . The father asked "What do you mean your out of here?" The son replied,"Yeah, I heard you two last night. Dad said he was pulling out, Mom said she was coming too. And I'll be damned if I gonna get stuck here with no bike and an $80,000 mortgage!"Talk Too Much
Funny Jokes Posted on Tuesday, October 16, 2007 by Author @ 11:02 PM
Eight-year-old Nina brought her report card home from school. Her marks were good...mostly A's and a couple of B's.However, her teacher had written across the bottom: "Nina is a smart little girl, but she has one fault. She talks too much in school. I have an idea I am going to try, which I think may break her of the habit."
Nina's dad signed her report card, putting a note on the back: "Please let me know if your idea works on Nina because I would like to try it out on her mother."
Patient And Doctors
Funny Jokes Posted on Monday, October 15, 2007 by Author @ 9:09 PM
Patient:Doctor, do you think that i will live for another 40 years.?Doctor:Do you go out and have fun with friends and do crazy things.?
Patient:No!
Doctor:Do you pig out and eat fun stuff ?
Patient:No!
Doctor:Do you smoke ?
Patient:No!
Doctor:Do you do 69 with your wife or girlfriend or mistress ?
Patient:No!
Doctor:Do you go see hookers?
Patient:NOOOOO!!!!!!
Doctor:YOU KNOW WHAT, I REALLY DO NOT UNDERSTAND WHY YOU WANT TO LIVE FOR ANOTHER 40 YEARS.
Five Bucks
Funny Jokes Posted on Sunday, October 14, 2007 by Author @ 11:06 PM
A man is walking around New York with his wife.They find a perfume shop, the wife goes in, and he waits outside.
A hooker comes along and says to him, "Like to come home with me, buddy? "
"For how much?" asks the man.
"One hundred dollars," the hooker answers.
"I'll give you five bucks," he replies.
The hooker swears at him and walks away.
A little later, the man's wife comes out of the shop and they continue their walk.
As they round the corner, there stands the same hooker. She takes one look at the man and his wife and says, "HA!. see what you get for five bucks?"
Gorilla
Funny Jokes Posted on Saturday, October 13, 2007 by Author @ 9:28 PM
This guy went to the zoo one day. While he was standing in front of the gorilla's enclosure, the wind gusted and he got some grit in his eye. As he pulled his eyelid down to dislodge the particle, the gorilla went crazy, bent open the bars, and beat the guy senseless.When the guy came to his senses, the zoo keeper was anxiously bending over him, and as soon as he was able to talk, he explained what had happened. The
zoo keeper nodded and explained that in gorilla language, pulling down your eyelid means "*@#$! you". The explanation didn't make the gorilla's victim feel any better and he vowed revenge.
The next day he purchased two large knives, two party hats, two party horns, and a large sausage. Putting the sausage in his pants, he hurried to the zoo and over to the gorilla's cage, into which he tossed a hat, a knife, and a party horn. Knowing that the big apes were natural mimics, he put on a party hat. The gorilla looked at him, and looked at the hat, and put it on. Nexthe
picked up his horn and blew on it. The gorilla picked up his horn and did the same. Then the man picked up his knife, whipped the sausage out of his pants, and sliced it neatly in two.
The gorilla looked at the knife in his cage, looked at his own crotch, and pulled down his eyelid.
Element
Funny Jokes Posted on Friday, October 12, 2007 by Author @ 10:31 PM
Element Name: WOMANSymbol: WO
Atomic Weight: (don't even go there!)
Physical Properties: Generally round in form. Boils at nothing and may freeze any time. Melts whenever treated properly. Very bitter if not used well.
Chemical properties:
Very active. Highly unstable. Possesses strong affinity to gold,silver, platinum, and precious stones. Violent when left alone. Able to absorb great amounts of exotic food. Turns slightly green when placed next to a better specimen.
Usage: Highly ornamental. An extremely good catalyst for dispersion of wealth. Probably the most powerful income reducing agent known.
Caution: Highly explosive in inexperienced hands.
Element Name: MAN
Symbol: XY
Atomic Weight: (180 +/-50)
Physical properties: Solid at room temperature,but gets bent out of shape easily. Fairly dense and sometimes flaky. Difficult to find a pure sample. Due to rust, aging samples are unable to conduct electricity as easily as young samples.
Chemical properties:
Attempts to bond with WO any chance it can get. Also tends to form strong bonds with itself. Becomes explosive when mixed with Kd Element:Child) for
prolonged period of time. Neutralize by saturating with alcohol.
Usage: None known.
Possibly good methane source. Good samples are able to produce large quantities on command.
* Caution: In the absence of WO, this element rapidly decomposes and begins to smell
Embarrassment
Funny Jokes Posted on Thursday, October 11, 2007 by Author @ 9:10 PM
I was 19 at the time of this incident...About a year ago for the summer I had worked as a telemarketer. One day I had to be in really early since a co - worker was sick and I had to take her place. I had to work 8 hours that day and only had five 45 minute breaks for Cigarettes or just chit chat with other people. The pay was good nothing to complain about. But this one day REALLY STUNK. I went in at 8o clock in the morning. By Noon I had already consumed 5 cups of coffee. By 2 o clock I wasn't feeling all that well. I was on the phone with a costumer that was an Elderly Lady and I said out loud, "Excuse me can I put you on hold for a few minutes I think I'm about to shit my pants!" Without getting and answer I tapped the button and went to the bathroom.
I was in there for well over 30 minutes. I have never felt that bad in my life. After I thought I was done I went back out and sat down in my cubicle and started going back on calling people. I called back the person I put on hold and began talking to her again. I ACCIDENTALLY TAPPED THE LOUDSPEAKER BUTTON along with the call button.
Everyone in the office heard THIS conversation :
"I'm sorry I put you on hold for so long."
"Oh that's okay, are you feeling better did you shit your pants?"
"No I didn't shit my pants but I had the runs for over 30 minutes."
"Oh okay, I can understand that I've had that problem many times before, well lets continue shall we?"
Next day at work their was a package of DEPENDS on my chair and all over my cubicle. I was so Embarrassed, I quit the job about a month later.
Circus
Funny Jokes Posted on Wednesday, October 10, 2007 by Author @ 11:57 PM
The girl said, "I'll go first." She walked past the chair, the whip, and the gun and stepped right into the lion's cage. The lion started to snarl and pant and began to charge her. About half way there, she threw open her coat revealing her beautiful naked body.The lion stopped dead in his tracks, sheepishly crawled up to her, and started licking her ankles. He continued to lick her calves, kissed them, and then rested his head at her feet.
The circus owner's mouth was on the floor. He said, "I've never seen a display like that in my life." He then turned to the young man and asked, "Can you top that?"
The young man replied, "No problem, just get that lion out of the way."
Short Jokes
Funny Jokes Posted on Tuesday, October 09, 2007 by Author @ 10:54 PM
"HOW was your blind date?" a college student asked her room-mate."Terrible!" the room-mate answered."He showed up in his 1932 Rolls Royce."
"Wow! That's a very expensive car. What's so bad about that?"
"He was the original owner."
-----
Patient: It's been one month since my last visit and I still feel miserable.
Doctor: Did you follow the instructions on the medicine I gave you?
Patient: I sure did. The bottle said, "keep tightly closed."
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Girl : Do you love me ?
Boy : Yes Dear
Girl : Would you die for me ?
Boy : No, mine is undying love
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Man : How old is your father ?
Boy : As old as me
Man : How can that be ?
Boy : He became a father only when I was born
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Waiter : I've stewed liver, boiled tongue and frog's leg.
Customer : Don't tell me your problems. Give the menu card.
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Manager : Sorry,but I can't give u a job. I don't need much help.
Job Applicant: That's all right. In fact I'm just the right person in this case. You see, I won't be of much help anyway!!
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Dad : "Son, how can you call your aunt stupid? Go and say sorry to her."
Son : (goes over to the aunt) "Aunt, I am sorry you are stupid.
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Teacher: "How do u think Shakespeare wrote such master pieces?"
College student: "With a pencil, maam, either a 2B or not 2B."
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"Mum, teacher was asking me today if I have any brothers or sisters who will be coming to school."
"That's nice of her to take such an interest. What did she say when u told her u are the only child?"
"She just said, 'Thank goodness!'"
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Teacher: "Chong, u missed school last Friday."
Chong : "You're wrong, Sir."
Teacher: "Wrong, how is that?"
Chong : "I was absent, yes but I certainly didn't miss it!"
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A teacher was asking her class: "What is the difference between 'unlawful' and 'illegal'?"
Only one hand shot up. "Ok, answer, Joan," said the teacher."'unlawful' is when u do something the law doesn't allow and 'illegal' is a sick eagle."
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Tooth extraction
Patient : How much to have this tooth pulled?
Dentist : $90.00.
Patient : $90.00 for just a few minutes work???
Dentist : I can extract it very slowly if you like.
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Teacher : "How come you do not comb your hair?"
Ah Kow : "No comb, Sir."
Teacher : "Use your dad's then."
Ah Kow : "No hair, Sir."
Horny Bull
Funny Jokes Posted on Monday, October 08, 2007 by Author @ 10:28 PM
A man and his brother inherit a farm... on the farm there are some cows, and one horny bull. The first morning of their stay on the farm, they went outside to find that the bull had escaped his pen, gotten out with the cows, and when they found him, his eyes were crossed.The two men decided to call the vet. The vet came out, stuck a tube in the bulls rear and blew really hard, the bulls eyes went back to normal. The vet charged the two men $50.00.
On the second morning, the two brothers awoke only to find the bull back out with the cows, and his eyes were crossed again. They thought about it, and decided NOT to call the vet, they could save $50.00 if they could just find a tube, and they'd do it themselves.
One brother says to the other "I'll blow on the tube, you watch his eyes."
After numerous attempts, the brothers decide they should switch. The brother that was originally watching the b