Broccoli
Funny Jokes Posted on Sunday, September 30, 2007 by Author @ 11:15 PM
An old Italian woman is riding the elevator in a very lavish New York City Office Building. A young and beautiful woman gets into the elevator and smelling like expensive perfume turns to the old Italian woman and says arrogantly, "Giorgio - Beverly Hills, $100 an ounce!"The next young and beautiful woman gets on the elevator and also very arrogantly turns to the old Italian woman and says, "Channel No. 5, $150 an ounce!"
About three floors later, the old Italian woman has reached her destination and is about to get off the elevator. Before she leaves, looks both beautiful women in the eye, bends over, and lets out a most foul-smelling fart. She leaves the stunned women in a cloud of funk, saying "Broccoli - 49 cents a pound."
Because Because Because
Funny Jokes Posted on Saturday, September 29, 2007 by Author @ 9:26 PM
Someone was at a party when he started boasting to the local journalists that his command of English language was better than that of the average journalist's. An editorial writer didn't take too kindly to that and said, "Well, I'll bet you $100 that I can stump you.""I accept your wager," he said.
"I'll bet you can't use the word 'because' three times consecutively in a sentence. That is my challenge!"
After thinking for a moment, he replied, "You cannot end a sentence with the word because because because is a conjunction. You lose."
Contributed By - Liane
A Penny
Funny Jokes Posted on Friday, September 28, 2007 by Author @ 11:51 AM
i only have a pennyone day a really horny man walked into a cheap whore house and asked the woman in charge "what can i get for a penny?"
she replied
"well, on the hallway straight ahead there is a woman in there you can make love to but don't be alarmed, she likes to lay still with the lights off."
the man quickly agrees and goes to the room where the woman lay and proceeded to have sex with her. all of a sudden, to his surprise, white liquid starts to come out of her eyes and ears and nose. he screams and runs back to the front desk.
"there's white stuff coming out of her eyes!!!!!" yells the man
the woman at the front desk turns around and yells to the people behind her
"the dead one's full again!"
two days later, the man comes back to the same whore house and decides that
he needs to get a little action
"listen lady, i am really horny,and i only have a dime but i dont want to have sex with any dead people! ok?"
"sure" the woman replies. "just go to the second floor where you will find a big white wall with a hole in it. have sex with the hole and you will reach orgasm. trust me"
so the man proceeds to the second floor, whereupon, he finds the wall and starts to have sex with it. he really enjoys the sex and cums before he leaves.
two days later, the same man returns and asks the same woman
"today i only have a penny. i really enjoyed yesterday, do you have anything else?"
"why yes we do" said the woman. "we cant actually promise you sex but many of our customers like the live sex show on the second floor."
the man goes up to the second floor and sees a room labeled "sex show". so he walks in where he finds a goat strapped to a wall being anally penetrated by a penis coming through a hole in the wall, disgusted, the man says to the other gentleman next to him.
"what kind of sick crap is this?"
the man replies "you should have seen it two days ago, some sicko was doing a dog!"
Hell
Funny Jokes Posted on Thursday, September 27, 2007 by Author @ 5:47 PM
A Malaysian named Ah Meng dies and arrives in hell. He finds that there is a different hell for each country and he can choose which hell he wants to go to.He first goes to the Singapore hell. There outside the door is Ah Lian, looking bored. Ah Meng asks, "What do they do here?"
Ah Lian replies, "First they put you in an electric chair for an hour. Then they lay you on a bed of nails for another hour. Then the Singapore devil comes in and whips your butt for the rest of the day."
"That's terrible!" gasps Ah Meng. He is terrified! "I'm going to check out the other hells!", he yells. He checks out the Thailand hell, the Indian hell as well as the Russian hell and many more. He discovers that they are all more or less the same as the Singapore hell. You get tortured to death basically!
Then he comes to the Malaysian hell and discovers a huge line of people waiting to get in. The line circles around the lobby five times before receding off into the horizon. Ah Meng pushes his way through to the head of the line.
Amazed he asks "What do they do here?"
He is told "First they put you in an electric chair for an hour. Then they lay you on a bed of nails for another hour. Then the Malaysian devil comes in and whips your butt for the rest of the day."
"But. but that's the same as all the other hells! Why are there so many people waiting to get in?" Ah Meng protests pointing to the long queue.
"True, but because maintenance is so bad that the electric chair does not work, someone has stolen all the nails from the bed, and the devil is a former Gormen servant, so he comes in, signs the register and then goes to the canteen for teh-tarik."
Ah Meng faints!!!
Fingerless
Funny Jokes Posted on Wednesday, September 26, 2007 by Author @ 9:49 PM
Jon's working at the lumberyard, pushing a tree through the buzz saw, and accidentally shears off all ten of his fingers. He goes to the emergency room.The doctor says, "Yuck! Well, give me the fingers, and I'll see what I can do."
Jon says, "I haven't got the fingers."
The doctor says, "What do you mean, you haven't got the fingers? It's 2006. We've got microsurgery and all kinds of incredible techniques. I could have put them back on and made you like new. Why didn't you bring the fingers?"
Jon says, "Well, shit, Doc, I couldn't pick 'em up."
Most Embarrassing
Funny Jokes Posted on Tuesday, September 25, 2007 by Author @ 7:29 PM
I'm female 25 years old. My most embarrassing situation happened a few years ago when I was in college. My roomie had gone away for the weekend and I was alone. One evening, after drinking a little wine at a party I came back to my room and decided to masturbate. I locked my door, stripped naked, put on my earphones (blasting) and went to it with a vibrator!What I didn't know was that my roomie thought I was also going to be gone for the weekend, and gave her key to a friend in case the friend "got lucky". I was in the middle of my "work-out", my headset blasting, my eyes squeezed shut, when the door opened and a girl and a guy walked in!
They stood, frozen in shock while I lay writhing on the bed. I didn't hear or see them! After what could only have been a few seconds, something made me open my eyes! I almost had a heart attack! They mumbled an apology and ran out! I seriously considered a transfer.
What is it?
Funny Jokes Posted on Monday, September 24, 2007 by Author @ 9:17 PM
One day in class the teacher brought a bag full of fruit. "Now class, I'm going to reach into the bag and describe a piece of fruit, and you tell what fruit I'm talking about." "Ok, first it's round, plumb and red." Of course, Johnny raised his hand high, but the teacher, wisely ignored him and picked Deborah, who promptly answered "An apple." "No Deborah, it's a beet, but I like your thinking. Now for the second. It's soft, fuzzy, and colored red and brownish. Well, Johnny is hopping up and down in his seat trying to get the teacher to call on him. But she skips him again and calls on Billy. "Is it a peach?" "No, Billy, I'm afraid it's a potato. But I like your thinking. Here's another: it's long, yellow, and fairly hard."By now Johnny is about to explode as he waves his hand frantically... the teacher skips him again and calls on Sally.. "A banana," she says.. "No," the teacher replies, "it's a squash, but I like your thinking." Johnny is kind of irritated now, so he speaks up loudly. "Hey, I've got one for you teacher; let me put my hand in my pocket. Ok, I've got it: it's round, hard, and it got a head on it." "Johnny!" she cries. "That's disgusting!" Nope," answers Johnny, "it's a quarter, but I like your thinking!
Winner of Best Message for Answering Machine
Funny Jokes Posted on Sunday, September 23, 2007 by Author @ 10:56 PM
Hi. This is John: If you are the phone company, I already sent the money. If you are my parents, please send money. If you are my financial aid institution, you didn't lend me enough money. If you are my friends, you owe me money. If you are a female, don't worry, I have plenty of money.Hi. Now you say something.
Hello. I am David's answering machine. What are you?
Hello! If you leave a message, I'll call you soon. If you leave a "sexy" message, I'll call sooner!
Hi! John's answering machine is broken. This is his refrigerator. Please speak very slowly, and I'll stick your message to myself with one of these magnets.
Hello, you are talking to a machine. I am capable of receiving messages. My owners do not need siding, windows, a free trip or another credit card, and their carpets are clean. They give to charity through their office and do not need their picture taken. If you're still with me, leave your name and number and they will get back to you.
This is not an answering machine - this is a telepathic thought-recording device. After the tone, think about your name, your number and your reason for calling, and I'll think about returning your call.
Hi. I'm probably home, I'm just avoiding someone I don't like. Leave me a message, and if I don't call back, it's you.
Drunk
Funny Jokes Posted on Saturday, September 22, 2007 by Author @ 8:36 PM
A drunk gets up from the bar to take a leak. A few minutes later, a loud, blood-curling scream is heard coming from the bathroom. A few minutes after that, another loud scream reverberates through the bar. The bartender goes into the bathroom to investigate what the drunk is screaming about. "What's all the screaming about in there? You're scaring my customers!" "I'm just sitting here on the toilet and every time I try to flush, something comes up and squeezes the hell out of my balls." With that, the bartender opens the door, looks in and says, "You idiot! You're sitting on the mop bucket!"Sex vs Secs
Funny Jokes Posted on Friday, September 21, 2007 by Author @ 7:21 PM
An 8-year-old girl went to her dad, who was working in the yard. She asked him, ",Daddy, what is sex?",The father was surprised that she would ask such a question, but decides that if she is old enough to ask the question, then she is old enough to get a straight answer.
He proceeded to tell her all about the 'birds and the bees'. When he finished explaining, the little girl was looking at him with her mouth hanging open. The father asked her, ",Why did you ask this question?",
The little girl replied, ",Mom told me to tell you that dinner would be ready in just a couple of secs.",
A Massive Gorilla
Funny Jokes Posted on Thursday, September 20, 2007 by Author @ 11:59 PM
A lady is eating breakfast out on her patio one morning, when she notices a massive gorilla climbing up her palm tree.This sight scares her so she runs inside her house. Trying to figure out what to do she grabs the yellow pages and looks it up-sure enough right in the yellow pages is a big ad for gorilla extractors. She calls the number and the man on the other end of the line says he'll be right over. When he shows up he explains to the lady that it is a pretty common problem and it should only take a few minutes.
First he must get his equipment. So from his truck he grabs a stepladder, a shotgun, an eight foot pole, handcuffs and a mean ass dog. The lady exclaims, "What the hell is all that stuff for?" The gorilla extractor explains: "First I climb up on the stepladder and ram this here pole up the gorilla ass.
This will cause the gorilla to fall from the tree at which point that mean ass dog will bite the gorilla in the balls. This temporarily paralyzes the gorilla.
At which point I put the handcuffs on the gorilla and take him away. The lady asks, "What's the shotgun for?"
The man answers, "In case I fall off the ladder, you shoot that mean ass dog!"
Friendly Dog
Funny Jokes Posted on Wednesday, September 19, 2007 by Author @ 7:44 PM
Two old retired men are sitting on the bench watching the time go by. There is an old hound dog lying on the ground in front of them. The old dog lifts it's hind leg and begins to lick his privates as dogs always seem to do.One of the old men says to the other, "Boy, I sure wish I could do that."
After a short pause, the other old man says, "Well, go ahead, he looks like a friendly dog!"
Taxi
Funny Jokes Posted on Tuesday, September 18, 2007 by Author @ 6:49 PM
A taxi passenger tapped the driver on the shoulder to ask him a question. The driver screamed, lost control of the car, nearly hit a bus, went up on the footpath, and stopped centimeters from a shop window.For a second everything went quiet in the cab, then the driver said, "Look mate, don't ever do that again. You scared the daylights out of me!"
The passenger apologized and said, "I didn't realize that a little tap would scare you so much." The driver replied, "Sorry, it's not really your fault. Today is my first day as a cab driver - I've been driving a funeral van for the last 25 years.
Weird Customer
Funny Jokes Posted on Monday, September 17, 2007 by Author @ 7:00 PM
A man walks into a pharmacy, buys a condom, then walks out of the store laughing hysterically. The pharmacist thinks this is weird, but, hey, there's no law preventing weird people from buying condoms. Maybe it's a good thing.The next day, the man comes back to the store, purchases another condom, and once again he leaves the store laughing wildly. This piques the interest of the pharmacist. What's so funny about buying a rubber, anyway?
So he tells his clerk, "If this guy ever comes back, I want you to follow him to see where he goes."
Sure enough, the next day the laugher is back. He buys the condom, starts cracking up, then leaves. The pharmacist tells his clerk to go follow the guy.
About an hour later, the clerk comes back to the store. "Did you follow him? Where did he go?" asks the pharmacist. The clerk replies "Your house."
Evening Gown
Funny Jokes Posted on Sunday, September 16, 2007 by Author @ 5:17 PM
A man walked into a dress shop and told the clerk he wanted to buy a surprise formal evening gown for his wife."What size?" asked the clerk.
The man shrugged blankly.
Trying to help, the clerk inquired, "Well then, what are your wife's measurements?"
The man thought for a moment. "Small, medium, and large and in that order."
Game of Golf
Funny Jokes Posted on Saturday, September 15, 2007 by Author @ 9:07 PM
Shortly after the Pope had apologized to the Nation of Israel for the treatment of Jews by the Catholic Church over the years, the leader of Israel sent back a message to the College of Cardinals. The proposal was for a friendly game of golf to be played between the two leaders or their representatives to show the friendship and ecumenical spirit shared by the Catholic and Jewish faiths.The Pope met with his College of Cardinals to discuss the proposal.
"Your Holiness," said one of the Cardinals, "the Israeli leader wants to challenge you to a game of golf to show that you are old and unable to compete. I'm afraid that this would tarnish our image to the world."
The Pope asked, "Don't we have a Cardinal to represent me?"
"None that plays golf very well," a Cardinal replied. "But there is a man named Jack Nicklaus, an American golfer who is a devout Catholic. We can offer to make him a Cardinal, then ask him to play as your personal representative."
Everyone agreed and the call was made. Of course, Nicklaus was honored and agreed to play as a representative of the Pope.
The day after the match, Nicklaus reported to the Vatican to inform the Pope of the result. "I have some good news and some bad news, Your Holiness," said the golfer.
"Tell me the good news, Cardinal Nicklaus," said the Pope.
"Well, Your Holiness, I don't like to brag, but even though I've played some terrific rounds of golf in my life, this was the best I have ever played, by far. With all due respect, my play was pretty miraculous."
"How can there be bad news?" the Pope asked.
Nicklaus sighed, "I lost to Rabbi Tiger Woods by three strokes."
Carpet Layer
Funny Jokes Posted on Friday, September 14, 2007 by Author @ 8:46 PM
A carpet layer had just finished installing carpet for a lady. He stepped out for a smoke, only to realize that he had lost his cigarettes.In the middle of the room, under the carpet, was a bump. "No sense pulling up the entire floor for one pack of smokes," he said to himself. He got out his hammer and flattened the hump.
As he was cleaning up, the lady came in.
"Here," she said, handing him his pack of cigarettes. "I found them in the hallway."
"Now," she said, "if only I could find my parakeet."
What To Wear
Funny Jokes Posted on Thursday, September 13, 2007 by Author @ 7:09 PM
A man, about to undergo an IRS audit, asked his accountant for advice on what to wear. "Wear your shabbiest clothing. Let them think you are a pauper."Then he asked his legal counsel the same question, but got the opposite advice. "Do not let them intimidate you. Wear your finest suit and tie."
Utterly confused at this point, the man went to his priest, told him of the conflicting advice, and requested some resolution of his dilemma.
"Let me tell you a story," replied the priest. "A woman, about to be married, asked her mother what to wear on her wedding night. 'Wear a heavy, long, flannel nightgown that goes right up to your neck.' But when she asked her best friend she got conflicting advice. 'Wear your most sexy negligee, with a V neck right down to your navel.'
The man protested, "Father, what does all this have to do with my problem with the IRS?"
"Don't you see? It doesn't matter what you wear my son, either way you're fucked!"
Fairy Tales
Funny Jokes Posted on Wednesday, September 12, 2007 by Author @ 11:54 AM
An old woman saved a Fairy's life. To repay this, the Fairy promised to grant the old woman three wishes.For the first wish, the old lady asked to become young and beautiful. Poof! She became young and beautiful.
For the second wish, the old lady asked to be richest woman in the world. "Poof! She was the richest woman in the world.
For the last wish, she pointed at the cat she had kept for years. She asked that he be turned into the most handsome man on earth. After all, he had been her best friend for so many years. Poof! The Fairy turned the cat into the most handsome man on earth. The old lady and the Fairy said their
goodbyes.
After the Fairy left, the handsome man (old cat) strolled over to her and asked, "Now aren't you sorry you had me neutered?"
A Gay
Funny Jokes Posted on Tuesday, September 11, 2007 by Author @ 11:32 PM
Once, a gay man went to heaven. At the Great Gate, Saint Peter was waiting for him. After reviewing his records Saint Pete decided to let him in. "Follow me," he said, opening the gate and walking in.After some walk, Saint Pete's keys accidentally fell on the ground. Unaware, he bent over to pick up the keys. That was something the gay man just couldn't resist, so he jumped on him and did his thing. Saint Pete was furious. "If you do that again, you'll go straight to hell! But follow me, we're almost there."
After some more walk, Pete dropped his keys again, and again, the gay man jumped on him. Saint Pete was even more furious than before, but decided to give the gay guy one last chance.
Again they walk and for the third time Pete drops his keys, so he bends over and picks them up. The gay guy, having no self control jumps on him. Pete is now fed up and sends the gay guy straight to hell.
A few weeks later, Saint Pete goes down to hell for his routine inspection, but this time something is wrong, it is freezing, no fire, no lava and in one corner, he finds the devil lying under a stack of blankets freezing his ass off.
"Why is it so damn cold down here?" Pete asks.
"Well, you just try bending down for firewood!!" the devil replied.
Lost Purse
Funny Jokes Posted on Monday, September 10, 2007 by Author @ 6:52 PM
A lady lost her handbag in the bustle of shopping at the mall. It was found by an honest little boy and returned to her. Looking in her purse, she commented, "Hmmm.... That's funny. When I lost my bag there was a $20 bill in it. Now there are twenty $1 bills."The boy quickly replied, "That's right, lady. The last time I found a lady's purse, she didn't have any change for a reward."
100 Kisses
Funny Jokes Posted on Sunday, September 09, 2007 by Author @ 10:09 PM
Dear Sweetheart,I can't send my salary this month, so I am sending 100 kisses.
You are my sweetheart
Your husband
Allen
*-----------------------------------------------------------*
His wife replied back after some days to her husband:
Dearest sweetheart,
Thanks for your 100 kisses, I am sending the expenses details.
1. The Milk man agreed on 2 kisses for one month's milk.
2. The electricity man only agreed after 7 kisses.
3. Your house owner is coming every day and taking two or three kisses instead of the rent.
4. Supermarket owner did not accept kisses only, so I have given him some other items...........
5. Other expenses 40 kisses
Please don't worry for me, I have a remaining balance of 35 kisses and I hope I can complete the month using this balance. Shall I plan same way for next months, Please Advise !!!
Your Sweet Heart
White Liquid
Funny Jokes Posted on Saturday, September 08, 2007 by Author @ 11:52 PM
There were two farmers on a farm. One farmer was sitting in the kitchen when the other one came in from the barn with a glass of white liquid. He was so excited because he had just milked a cow. Then he took a big drink from the glass. The other farmer just stared at him and said, 'We don't have a cow, we have a bull.'Female Hormones
Funny Jokes Posted on Friday, September 07, 2007 by Author @ 10:27 PM
Last month, National University of Lesotho Scientists released the results of a recent analysis that revealed the presence of Female Hormones in beer.Men should take a concerned look at their beer consumption. The theory is that beer contains Female Hormones (hops contain phytoestrogen's) and that by drinking enough beer, men turn into women. To test the theory, 100 men drank 8 pints of beer each within a 1 hour period. It was then observed that 100% of the test subjects:
1) Argued over nothing.
2) Refused to apologize when obviously wrong.
3) Gained weight.
4) Talked excessively without making sense.
5) Became overly emotional.
6) Couldn't drive.
7) Failed to think rationally.
8) Had to sit down while urinating.
No further testing was considered necessary.