Bad or Terrible News
Funny Jokes Posted on Friday, August 31, 2007 by Author @ 12:54 AM
George had responded to a call from his lawyer, insisting that they meet at once. He arrived at his lawyer's firm, and was ushered into his office."Do you want the bad news first or the terrible news?" the lawyer asked.
"Well, if those are my choices, I guess I'll take the bad news first."
"Your wife found a picture worth a half-million dollars."
"That's the bad news?" George was stunned? "If you call that bad, I can't wait to hear the terrible news."
"The terrible news is that it's of you and your secretary."
Contributed By - Hua Kim Goh
An Appraisal Letter
Funny Jokes Posted on Thursday, August 30, 2007 by Author @ 10:58 PM
Dear Manager (HR),Bob Smith, my assistant programmer, can always be found
hard at work in his cubicle. Bob works independently,without
wasting company time talking to colleagues. Bob never
thinks twice about assisting fellow employees, and he always
finishes given assignments on time. Often Bob takes extended
measures to complete his work, sometimes skipping coffee
breaks. Bob is a dedicated individual who has absolutely no
vanity in spite of his high accomplishments and profound
knowledge in his field. I firmly believe that Bob can be
classed as a high-caliber employee, the type which cannot be
dispensed with. Consequently, I duly recommend that Bob be
promoted to executive management, and a proposal will be
sent away as soon as possible.
Signed - Project Leader
A MEMO WAS SOON SENT FOLLOWING THE LETTER:
Dear Manager (HR),
That stupid idiot was reading over my shoulder when I wrote the report sent to you earlier today. Kindly read only the odd lines 1,3,5,7,9,11,13 for my true assessment of him. Signed - Project Leader
Nudist Colony
Funny Jokes Posted on Wednesday, August 29, 2007 by Author @ 6:51 PM
A man moves into a nudist colony. He receives a letter from his grandmother asking him to send her a current photo of himself in his new location.Too embarrassed to let her know that he lives in a nudist colony, he cuts a photo in half but accidentally sends the bottom half of the photo.
He's really worried when he realizes that he sent the wrong half, but then remembers how bad his grandmother's eyesight is, and hopes she won't notice.
A few weeks later he receives a letter from his grandmother. It says, "Thank you for the picture. Change your hair style.... it makes your nose look too short.
Mad Cow Disease
Funny Jokes Posted on Tuesday, August 28, 2007 by Author @ 7:50 PM
Female reporter was interviewing 1 farmer regarding mad cow disease.Reporter : Sir, would you like to comments about the mad cow disease?
Farmer : Lady, Do you know that bull and cow only have sex once in a year ?
Reporter : Sir, I respect your comments but we are in the programme for mad cow disease only.
Farmer : Lady, and do you know that we squeeze cow's breast for milk 4 times a day = 1460 times a year ?
Reporter : Sir, but what has it got to do with mad cow disease ? (She was angry because the farmer had being talking sexy things.
Farmer : lady, if I will to squeeze your breast 4 times a day = 1460 times a year but you only get SEX once a year --- WILL YOU BE MAD???!!!
Three Babes
Funny Jokes Posted on Monday, August 27, 2007 by Author @ 11:22 PM
Charlie was in a bar and three babes came up and started hitting on him. He asked if they wanted to come over to his house later. They agreed to come over at after they went home and got ready. Charlie had a friend who worked in a drugstore, so he went to see him. He asked his friend if he had anything that would keep him hard all night long. The man laughed and handed him a bottle of pills instructing him not to take more than one. Once at home, Charlie figured with three women he should take three pills, so he gulped them down. The next day Charlie showed up at the drugstore to see his friend. Asking for some liniment, he showed him his dick which was ripped to shreds. In disbelief, his friend asked if he was sure that he wanted to put liniment on his dick. Charlie replied "No,I need it for my arms the women never showed up!"Driving Permit
Funny Jokes Posted on Sunday, August 26, 2007 by Author @ 4:45 PM
A young boy had just gotten his driving permit. He asked his father, who was a minister, if they could discuss his use of the car. His father said to him, "I'll make a deal with you. You bring your grades up, study the bible a little, and get your hair cut; then we'll talk about it."A month later the boy came back and again asked his father if he could use the car. His father said, "Son, I'm really proud of you. You brought your grades up, studied the bible well, but you didn't get your hair cut!"
The young man waited a moment and then replied, "You know dad, I've been thinking about that. Samson had long hair, Moses had long hair, Noah had long hair, and even Jesus had long hair."
His father replied, "Yes son, and they walked everywhere they went."
Girl's Night Out
Funny Jokes Posted on Saturday, August 25, 2007 by Author @ 2:54 PM
Walking home after a girl's night out, two women pass a graveyard and stop to pee. The first woman has nothing to wipe with, so she uses her underwear and tosses it. Her friend, however, finds a ribbon on a wreath, so she uses that. The next day, the first woman's husband phones the second woman's husband, furious: "My wife came home last night without her panties!""That's nothing," says the other. "Mine came back with a card stuck between her butt cheeks that said, 'From all of us at the fire station, we'll never forget you.'"
Bikers
Funny Jokes Posted on Friday, August 24, 2007 by Author @ 6:49 PM
A cheerful truck driver pulled up at a roadside cafe in the middle of the night for a dinner stop. Halfway through his meal, three wild-looking motorcyclists roared up--bearded, leather-jacketed, filthy.For no reason at all, they selected the truck driver as a target. One poured pepper over his head, another stole his apple pie, the third deliberately tipped his coffee over. The truck driver never said one word, just stood up, paid his check, and left.
"That truck driver sure ain't much of a fighter," sneered one of the bikers.
The girl behind the counter, peering out into the night, added, "He doesn't seem to be much of a truck driver, either. He just ran his truck right over three motorcycles."
What Makes 100%?
Funny Jokes Posted on Thursday, August 23, 2007 by Author @ 9:21 PM
What does it mean to give MORE than 100%? Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%? We have all been to those meetings where someone wants you to give over 100%. How about achieving 103%? What akes up 100% in life?Here's a little mathematical formula that might help you answer these questions:
If:
A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z is represented as:
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26.
Then:
H-A-R-D-W-O-R-K
8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = 98%
and
K-N-O-W-L-E-D-G-E
11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 = 96%
But,
A-T-T-I-T-U-D-E
1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 = 100%
And,
B-U-L-L-S-H-I-T
2+21+12+12+19+8+9+20 = 103%
AND, look how far ass kissing will take you.
A-S-S-K-I-S-S-I-N-G
1+19+19+11+9+19+19+9+14+7 = 118%
So, one can conclude with mathematical certainty that While Hard work and Knowledge will get you close, and Attitude will get you there, it's the BullshiT and Ass kissing that will put you over the top.
Marriage Saver
Funny Jokes Posted on Wednesday, August 22, 2007 by Author @ 7:07 PM
"The thrill is gone from my marriage," Bill told his friend Doug.Doug suggests, "Why not add some intrigue to your life and have an affair?"
"But what if my wife finds out?" asks Bill.
"Heck, this is a new age we live in, Bill. Go ahead and tell her about it!" said Doug.
So Bill went home and said, "Dear, I think an affair will bring us closer together."
"Forget it," said his wife. "I've tried that - it didn't work."
An Indian, Pakistani and a Beautiful Girl
Funny Jokes Posted on Tuesday, August 21, 2007 by Author @ 6:56 PM
There's an Indian, Pakistani and a beautiful girl sitting next to each other, girl in the middle, in a train. The train goes through a tunnel and it gets completely dark. Suddenly there is a kissing sound and then a slap!The train comes out of the tunnel. The woman and the Pakistani are sitting there looking perplexed. The Indian is bent over holding his face which is red from an apparent slap.
The Indian is thinking "Damn it, that Pakistani must have tried to kiss the girl, she thought it was me and slapped me."
The girl is thinking, "That Indian must have moved to kiss me, and kissed the Pakistani instead and got slapped."
The Pakistani is thinking, "If this train goes through another tunnel, I could make another kissing sound and slap that Indian again."
International Dating Guide
Funny Jokes Posted on Monday, August 20, 2007 by Author @ 11:50 AM
CAUCASIAN WOMAN:First date: You get to kiss her goodnight.
Second date: You get to grope all over and make out.
Third date: You get to have sex in the missionary position. Then you promise to marry her but will probably abandon the idea.
JAPANESE WOMAN:
First date: She's shy, so you don't get to kiss her at all.
Second date: She'll take a bath in front of you and let you smell her panties.
Third date: You get to have kinky sex with her. Then she will bid you sayonara as that was her fling before getting married to a Japanese man.
MALAY WOMAN:
First date: You get to touch that big breast of hers.
Second date: You get to home base with her.
Third date: You have to promise her that you are gonna get circumcised. Then you will marry her and find out that you have to support her whole family. The only consolation is that you get to repeat the procedure three other times as allowed under Muslim law.
CHINESE WOMAN:
First date: You get to buy her an expensive dinner but nothing happened.
Second date: You buy her an even more expensive dinner but nothing happens either.
Third date: You don't even get to the third date and you have already realized nothing is going to happen.
INDIAN WOMAN:
First date: Meet her parents.
Second date: Set the date of the wedding.
Third date: Wedding night.
BLACK WOMAN:
First Date: You get to buy her a real expensive dinner.
Second Date: Your get to buy her and her girlfriends a real expensive dinner.
Third Date: You get to pay her rent.
JEWISH WOMAN:
First Date: You get a dynamite blowjob.
Second Date: You get another great blowjob.
Third Date: You tell her you'll marry her and never get head again.
MEXICAN WOMAN:
First Date: You give her $20 and have really good sex.
Second Date: you give $25 and have really good sex with her younger sister.
Third Date: You give her $30 and have sex with her younger brother.
The Christmas Bike
Funny Jokes Posted on Sunday, August 19, 2007 by Author @ 6:15 PM
A little boy just got a brand new bike for Christmas and was riding down it down the street. He stopped at a red light next to a Police Officer on a horse.The Police Officer asked the boy "Did Santa bring you that new bike?" the boy replied "Yes!"
"It looks like Santa forgot to put reflectors on the back of your bike" said the Police Officer, "The next time I see you there better be reflectors on your bike!" said the Police Officer.
The little boy replied "Yes Sir".
"Officer, can I ask you a question?" said the little boy.
"Yes", said the Officer.
"Did Santa bring you that horse?" asked the boy.
"Yes he did!" said the officer.
"Oh, if I ever get a horse I'm going to ask Santa to put the dick under the horse instead of on top!!!!" said the boy.
Men are like....
Funny Jokes Posted on Saturday, August 18, 2007 by Author @ 11:46 PM
Men are like.....Coffee. The best ones are rich, warm, full-bodied, and can keep you up all night long.Men are like.....Chocolate Bars. Sweet, smooth, and they usually head right for your hips.
Men are like.....Blenders. You need one, but you're not quite sure why.
Men are like.....Coolers. Load them with beer and you can take them anywhere.
Men are like.....Copiers. You need them for reproduction, but that's about it.
Men are like.....Curling irons. They're always hot, and they're always in your hair.
Men are like.....Government bonds. They take so long to mature.
Men are like.....High heels. They're easy to walk on once you get the hang of it.
Men are like.....Horoscopes. They always tell you what to do and are usually wrong.
Men are like.....Lava lamps. Fun to look at, but not all that bright.
Men are like.....Laxatives. They irritate the poop out of you.
Men are like.....Mascara. They usually run at the first sign of emotion.
Men are like.....Mini skirts. If you're not careful, they'll creep up your legs.
Men are like.....Noodles. They're always in hot water, they lack taste, and they need dough.
Men are like.....Plungers. They spend most of their lives in a hardware store or the bathroom.
Men are like.....Popcorn. They satisfy you, but only for a little while.
Men are like.....Place mats. They only show up when there's food on the table.
Men are like.....Used Cars. Both are easy-to-get, cheap, and unreliable.
Men are like.....Weather. Nothing can be done to change either one of them.
Condoms
Funny Jokes Posted on Friday, August 17, 2007 by Author @ 7:17 PM
A dentist was getting ready to clean an elderly lady's teeth. He noticed that she was a little nervous, so he began to tell her a story as he was putting on his surgical gloves..."Do you know how they make these rubber gloves?" She said, "No."
"Well", he spoofed, "down in Mexico they have this big building set up with a large tank of latex and the workers are all picked according to hand size.
Each individual walks up to the tank, dips their hands in, and then walk around for a bit while the latex sets up and dries right onto their hands! Then they peel off the gloves and throw them into the big 'Finished Goods Crate' and start the process all over again."
And she didn't laugh a bit!!!
Five minutes later, during the procedure, he had to stop cleaning her teeth because she burst out laughing. The old woman blushed and exclaimed,
"I just suddenly thought about how they must make condoms!"
Kan Pei
Funny Jokes Posted on Thursday, August 16, 2007 by Author @ 2:20 PM
If you have ' Ang Mo (Westerner)' attending your wedding, please tell them what is 'Kan Pei', hahaa.....Once there was a wedding dinner. The dinner occupied only half the restaurant. The other half was occupied by some Caucasian tourists.
As the wedding couples hop from table to table to toast the guests, the cheers of "KAN PEI" (bottoms up) gets louder and louder.
One Caucasian gets more and more irritated as the couple gets closer to him.
" KAN PEI "... " KAN ...PEI"...!
The cheers continued. Finally, the irritated Caucasian couldn't take it anymore.
He stood up on his chair and shouted: "IF YOU CAN'T PAY, THEN LET ME PAY FOR YOU!"
That Hurts
Funny Jokes Posted on Wednesday, August 15, 2007 by Author @ 8:10 PM
A girl and a guy get married and the girl gets pregnant. So the doctor tells them not to have sex until the baby is delivered.But the couple get very horny one night and start having sex. Suddenly the guys penis gets stuck in the gals vagina. They struggle a lot but he cant get it out. So they get over to the hospital and call for the doctor.
The doctor gives the girl a sweet and tells her to swallow it. She does so and suddenly his penis comes out. Afterwards she asks the doctor how he did it and he explains "When the baby saw the sweet, he left the banana."
The baby was born who was so advanced, he could talk. He looked around the delivery room and saw the doctor.
"Are you my doctor?" he asked. "Yes, I am," said the doctor.
The baby said, "Thank you for taking such good care of me during birth."
He looked at his mother and asked, "Are you my mother?"
"Yes, I am," she said. "Thank you for taking such good care of me before I was born," he said. He then looked at his father and asked, "Are you my father?"
"Yes,I am," his father answered. The baby motioned him close, then poked him on the forehead with his index finger seven times saying, "I want you to know THAT HURTS!"
Job Interview
Funny Jokes Posted on Tuesday, August 14, 2007 by Author @ 8:59 PM
Two young engineers applied for a single position at a computer company. They both had the same qualifications. In order to determine which individual to hire, the applicants were asked to take a test by the Department manager.Upon completion of the test, both men missed only one of the questions. The manager went to the first applicant and said, "Thank you for your interest, but we've decided to give the job to the other applicant."
"And why would you be doing that? We both got 9 questions correct," asked the rejected applicant.
"We have based our decision not on the correct answers, but on the question you missed," said the Department manager.
"And just how would one incorrect answer be better than the other?" the rejected applicant inquired.
"Simple," said the Department manager, "Your fellow applicant put down on question #5, 'I don't know.' You put down, 'Neither do I.'"
Drunk!!!!
Funny Jokes Posted on Monday, August 13, 2007 by Author @ 6:52 PM
A policeman cruising past a bar after closing time notices two motor bikes still parked out front. He goes around the back of the pub only to find two bikers, one with his fingers up the ass of the other. "So, what's going on here?", the cop asks.The biker replies, "My mate here has had too much to drink and I'm trying to make him vomit."
The cop says, "I think you should be sticking your fingers down his THROAT!"
The biker replies, "That's what I'm going to do next!"
What's for Dinner?
Funny Jokes Posted on by Author @ 6:51 PM
A concerned husband went to a doctor to talk about his wife. He says to the doctor, "Doctor, I think my wife is deaf because she never hears me the first time and always asks me to repeat things." "Well," the doctor replied, "go home and tonight stand about 15 feet from her and say something to her. If she doesn't reply move about 5 feet close and say it again. Keep doing this so that we'll get an idea about the severity of her deafness".Sure enough, the husband goes home and does exactly as instructed. He starts off about 15 feet from his wife in the kitchen as she is chopping some vegetables and says, "Honey, what's for dinner?" He hears no response. He moves about 5 feet closer and asks again. No reply. He moves 5 feet closer.
Still no reply. He gets fed up and moves right behind her, about an inch away, and asks again, "Honey, what's for dinner?"
She replies, "For the fourth time, vegetable stew!"
A Crime Story
Funny Jokes Posted on Sunday, August 12, 2007 by Author @ 11:55 PM
5 people lived in a room. They are named Mad, Brain, Fool, Somebody and Nobody. Fool did not know the four other people, and he was a police. The four other people, Mad, Brain, Somebody and Nobody were friends.One day, Somebody killed Nobody. At that time, Brain was in the bath room. Mad called the police.
Mad: Is this the police?
Police: Yes, what is the matter?
Mad: Somebody killed Nobody.
Police: Are you mad?
Mad: Yes, I am Mad.
Police: Don't you have a brain?
Mad: Brain is in the bath room.
Police: You're dumb!
Mad: No! I'm not Dumb, I'm Mad.
Police: *annoyed and hangs up, treating it as a prank call*
Mad dialed '999' for the police again and it was still the same police who answered the call. The police hung up upon hearing Mad saying that Somebody killed Nobody.
Mad was really anxious as his friend was killed but no police helped him.
Mad called the Head of Police the next day. The Head of Police went to the house to see if there's really someone dead. Yes, there was a corpse. Mad told the Head of Police that he did call for assistance from a police but the police had hung up on him twice.
So, the Head of Police went to check who was on duty at that time.He found out that Fool was on duty. (The Head of Police did not know Fool's name)
The Head of Police sent someone to bring Fool to the house and scolded him: YOU FOOL!
Fool answered "Yes, sir?"
The Head of Police was shocked that he admitted that he was a 'fool'.
Within seconds, he regained from the shock and told Fool, "You are fired!"
Fool: Oh, I see.
Head of Police: You don't have to come for work from now onwards! Take off your uniform and hand in your gun!
Fool: Is You here? I don't know anyone named You although I've worked here for 10 years.
Head of Police: You is not a name! Argh, forget it... What's your name?
Fool: Fool.
Head of Police: WHAT, you called me a fool?!
Fool: No, I said my name is Fool.
Head of Police: *blur* *dizzy* Fool, you are fired!!!
Fool: O.K... It's all their fault...
The policemen took Somebody to court and Somebody was sentenced to death.
Then, Nobody was cremated.
Fool went home and for the first time, talked to Mad and Brain face to face.
Fool: *looks at Mad* You Mad freak!
Fool: *looks at Brain* You Brainless!
Mad & Brain: You're so stupid, fool.
Mad: I am Mad but I am not a freak.
Brain: I am Brain but I'm Brainmore, not Brainless. I have a brain in my head and my name is Brain. Two "Brains"!!
Fool: Whatever you fools.
Mad & Brain: You are the Fool, stupid. We are Mad and Brain, not Fools.
Contribute By - Chia Jiayu
Right In The Groove
Funny Jokes Posted on Saturday, August 11, 2007 by Author @ 12:52 PM
A hippy walks into a Bar and Grill. The waiter comes up to him and asks him if he wants anything. So the Hippy says 'Yeah a cheeseburger. Not too well done, not to rare, but right in the groove.'So the waiter brings his burger and asks if he wants anything to drink. He says 'A cup of tea. Not too hot, not too cold, but right in the Groove.'
The waiter's kinda getting pissed now, but he brings the tea and kinda slams it on the table. Little while later the waiter comes back and asks the hippy if he wants any dessert. He says 'Yeah some ice cream. Not too chocolate, not too vanilla, but right in the Groove.'
So the waiter says 'Why dont you kiss my ass. Not the right cheek, not the left cheek, but right in the Groove!'
Naming Babies
Funny Jokes Posted on Friday, August 10, 2007 by Author @ 10:12 PM
A pregnant woman gets into a car accident and falls into a deep coma. Asleep for nearly six months, she wakes up and sees that she is no longer pregnant.Frantically, she asks the doctor about her baby.
The doctor replies, "Ma'am, you had twins! A boy and a girl. The babies are fine. Your brother came in and named them." The woman thinks to herself, "Oh no, not my brother -- he's an idiot!" Expecting the worst, she asks the doctor, "Well, what's the girl's name?"
"Denise," the doctor says. The new mother thinks, "Wow, that's not such a bad name! Guess I was wrong about my brother. I like Denise!" Then she asks the doctor, "What's the boy's name?" The doctor replies, "DeNephew."