Elderly Woman Portrait
Funny Jokes Posted on Tuesday, July 31, 2007 by Author @ 8:22 PM
An elderly woman decided to have her portrait painted.She told the artist: "Paint me with diamond ear-rings, a diamond necklace, emerald bracelets, a ruby broach and a gold Rolex."
The confused artist said: "But you're not wearing any of those things." "I know," she said. "But if I die before my husband,I'm sure my husband will remarry. And I want his new wife to go crazy looking for the jewelery."
Grandma
Funny Jokes Posted on Monday, July 30, 2007 by Author @ 10:05 PM
The family wheeled Grandma out on the lawn, in her wheelchair, where the activities for her 100th birthday were taking place. Grandma couldn't speak very well, but she could write notes when she needed to communicate.After a short time out on the lawn, Grandma started leaning off to the right, so some family members grabbed her, straightened her up, and stuffed pillows on her right.
A short time later, she started leaning off to her left, so again the family grabbed her and stuffed pillows on her left.
Soon she started leaning forward, so the family members again grabbed her, then tied a pillowcase around her waist to hold her up.
A grandson who arrived late came running up to Grandma and said, "Hi Grandma, you're looking good! How are they treating you?"
Grandma took out her little note pad and slowly wrote a note to the nephew, "They won't let me fart."
12 Ways to 'suan' a person ( Sarcastic )
Funny Jokes Posted on Sunday, July 29, 2007 by Author @ 11:04 PM
1.Are you always so stupid or is today a special occasion?2.I'd like to kick you in the teeth, but why should I improve your looks?
3.At least there's one thing good about your body. It isn't as ugly as your face.
4.I like you. People say I've no taste, but I like you!
5.If I had a face like yours, I'd sue my parents!
6.Keep talking, someday you'll say something intelligent!
7.Don't you love nature, despite what it did to you?
8.Don't think, it may sprain your brain!
9.He is living proof that man can live without a brain!
10.He is so short, when it rains he is always the last one to know.
11.I can't seem to remember your name, and please don't help me!
12.I know you were born silly, but why did you have a relapse?
Mailman
Funny Jokes Posted on Saturday, July 28, 2007 by Author @ 8:31 PM
One day, little Mikey comes home from kindergarten for lunch. Not finding his mother in the kitchen, or the living room, he heads upstairs to check her bedroom. He opens the door, and what does he see, but his father, who had also come home for lunch, stripped naked, on top of his mother, also naked, heavily into the act of lovemaking. Not wanting to traumatize theboy, the parents continue as if nothing was wrong. Mikey watches, and after a couple of minutes asks, "Daddy, can I climb on and have a horsy ride?" "Of course, Son, we're a family." So Mikey climbs on and after a few more minutes his mother starts moaning and writhing wildly. "Hang on Dad!", cries Mikey, "this is where me and the mailman usually fall off!"
Kentucky Fried Chicken
Funny Jokes Posted on Friday, July 27, 2007 by Author @ 10:46 PM
After watching sales falling off for three straight months at Kentucky Fried Chicken, the Colonel calls up the Pope and asks for a favor.The Pope says, "What can I do?"
The Colonel says, "I need you to change the daily prayer from, 'Give us this day our daily bread' to 'Give us this day our daily chicken'. If you do it, I'll donate 10 Million Dollars to the Vatican."
The Pope replies, "I am sorry. That is the Lord's prayer and I can not change the words."
So the Colonel hangs up. After another month of dismal sales, the Colonel panics, and calls again.
"Listen your Excellency. I really need your help. I'll give you $50 million dollars if you change the words of the daily prayer from 'Give us this day our daily bread' to 'Give us this day our daily chicken.'"
And the Pope responds, "It is very tempting, Colonel Sanders. The church could do a lot of good with that much money. It would help us support many charities. But, again, I must decline. It is the Lord's prayer, and I can't change the words."
So the Colonel gives up again. After two more months of terrible sales the Colonel gets desperate. "This is my final offer, your Excellency. If you change the words of the daily prayer from, 'Give us this day our daily bread' to 'Give us this day our daily chicken' I will donate $100 million to the Vatican."
The Pope replies, "Let me get back to you."
So the next day, the Pope calls together all of his bishops and he says, "I have some good news and I have some bad news. The good news is that KFC is going to donate $100 million to the Vatican."
The bishops rejoice at the news. Then one asks about the bad news.
The Pope replies, "The bad news is that we lost the Wonder Bread account."
Men are like....
Funny Jokes Posted on Thursday, July 26, 2007 by Author @ 4:29 PM
1. Men are like Laxatives ..... They irritate the crap out of you.2. Men are like Bananas ..... The older they get, the less firm they are.
3. Men are like Weather ..... Nothing can be done to change them.
4. Men are like Blenders ..... You need One, but you're not quite sure why.
5. Men are like Chocolate Bars ..... Sweet, smooth, & they usually head right for your hips.
6. Men are like Commercials ..... You can't believe a word they say.
7. Men are like Department Stores ..... Their clothes are always 1/2 off.
8. Men are like Government Bonds ..... They take soooooooo long to mature.
9. Men are like Mascara ..... They usually run at the first sign of emotion.
10. Men are like Popcorn ..... They satisfy you, but only for a little while.
11. Men are like Snowstorms ..... You never know when they're coming, how many inches you'll get or how long it will last.
12. Men are like Lava Lamps ..... Fun to look at, but not very bright.
13. Men are like Parking Spots ..... All the good ones are taken, the rest are handicapped.
A Period
Funny Jokes Posted on Wednesday, July 25, 2007 by Author @ 11:58 AM
A kindergarten class had a homework assignment to find out about something exciting and relate it to the class the next day.When the time came to present what they'd found, the first little boy called upon walked up to the front of the class, and with a piece of chalk, made a Small white dot on the blackboard, then sat back down.
Puzzled, the teacher asked him just what it was.
"It's a period," said the little boy.
"Well, I can see that," she said,
"but what is so exciting about a period?"
"Damned if I know," said the little boy, "but this morning my sister was missing one, Daddy had a heart attack, Mommy fainted, and the man next door shot himself."
Highway 3
Funny Jokes Posted on Tuesday, July 24, 2007 by Author @ 11:25 PM
There was a young fellow who was quite inventive and was always trying out new things. One day he thought he'd see just how fast a bicycle could go before it became uncontrollable. He asked his friend, who owned an old Mustang, if he could tie his bike to the bumper of his car to test his theory. His friend said, "Sure."So the young man tied his bike to the back of the car and said to his friend:
"I'll ring my bike bell once if I want you to go faster, twice if I want you maintain speed, and repeatedly if I want you to slow down."
With that, off they went. Things were going pretty well, with the car driver slowly speeding up to well over 60 mph. The young fellow on the bike was handling the speed just fine. But, all of sudden, a black Corvette came up beside them and before you knew it the fellow driving the Mustang forgot all about the fellow on the bike and took to drag racing the Corvette.
A little further down the road sat Officer John in his police cruiser, radar gun at the ready. He heard the two cars before his radar flashed 105 mph.
He called into headquarters on his radio: "Hey, you guys aren't going to believe this, but there's a Corvette and a Mustang racing out here on Highway 3, and there's a guy on a bike ringing his bell and waving his arms trying to pass them!"
New Mercedes
Funny Jokes Posted on Monday, July 23, 2007 by Author @ 9:56 PM
Oscar drove his brand new Mercedes to his favorite sporting goods store. He parked it outside and went in to do a little perusing with Jan, his regular sales woman.Jan was a pretty blonde, and as Oscar walked into the store, she happily greeted him. But he requested to look around alone today before he needed her help. She obliged and let him do his thing.
Five minutes later, Jan came running up to him yelling, "Oscar! Oscar! I just saw someone driving off with your new Mercedes!"
"Dear God! Did you try to stop him?"
"No," she said, "I did better than that! I got the license plate number!"
A Sailor And A Pirate
Funny Jokes Posted on Sunday, July 22, 2007 by Author @ 7:13 PM
One day in a tavern, a sailor and a pirate were comparing stories of their adventures. The pirate had a peg leg, one hook for a hand and an eye patch. The sailor asked about his peg leg. "I lost it in a shark attack," the pirate said."What happened to your hand?"
"That I lost in a sword fight," the pirate answered. And when he was asked about his patch, he explained a seagull dropping fell into his eye.
Astonished, the sailor said, "You mean to say that you lost your eye because of a seagull dropping?"
"Well," the pirate replied, "it happened the first day I had the hook."
Talking Clock
Funny Jokes Posted on Saturday, July 21, 2007 by Author @ 11:58 AM
A man showing off his new flat to friends late at night was asked by one of them, "Why the big brass gong in the corner?""That's my talking clock," he replied, "I'll show you how it works." With that, he gave the gong an almighty whack with a golf club. Instantly, a voice from the next flat screamed, "Hey, shut up! It's nearly midnight!"
Contributed By - Jorim Boh
Bill Gates in Hell
Funny Jokes Posted on Friday, July 20, 2007 by Author @ 10:58 PM
Bill Gates dies and goes to hell.Satan greets him: "Welcome Mr. Gates, we've been waiting for you. This will be your home for all eternity. You've been selfish, greedy and a big liar all your life. Now, since you've got me in a good mood, I'll be generous and give you a choice of three places in which you'll be locked up forever."
Satan takes Bill to a huge lake of fire in which millions of poor souls are tormented and tortured. He then takes him to a massive coliseum where thousands of people are chased about and devoured by starving lions.
Finally, he takes Bill to a tiny room in which there is a Beautiful young blonde with an alluring look on her face, sitting at a table on which there is a bottle of the finest wine. To Bill's delight, he sees a PC in the corner. Without hesitation, Bill says, "I'll take this option."
"Fine," says Satan, allowing Bill to enter the room. Satan locks the room after Bill. As he turns around, he bumps into Lucifer.
"That was Bill Gates!" cried Lucifer. "Why did you give him the best place of all!"
"That's what everyone thinks," snickered Satan. "The bottle has a hole in it and the girl hasn't..."
"What about the PC?"
"It's got Windows 95!" laughed Satan. "And it's missing three keys."
"Which three?"
"Control, Alt and Delete."
Stunning Blond
Funny Jokes Posted on Thursday, July 19, 2007 by Author @ 8:18 PM
A stunning blonde displayed her curves and sold a soft drink in a TV commercial. A wife looked at her stunning figure and said, "What do people see in her?"The husband said, "I have no idea. Let me take a closer look!"
Wedding
Funny Jokes Posted on Wednesday, July 18, 2007 by Author @ 8:47 PM
Attending a wedding for the first time, a little girl whispered to her mother, "Why is the bride dressed in white?" "Because white is the color of happiness, and today is the happiest day of her life," her mother tried to explain, keeping it simple.The child thought about this for a moment, then said, "So why is the groom wearing black?"
How Deep?
Funny Jokes Posted on Tuesday, July 17, 2007 by Author @ 11:53 AM
Two guys were hiking in the mountains when they came across an old mine shaft going straight down into the ground."Wow," said the first guy. "I wonder how deep it is?"
"I dunno," said the second. "Let's find out." With that, he dropped a rock down the hole. They waited and waited, but didn't hear it hit bottom.
"Hmm. Let's try a bigger rock," said the first guy, and tossed a watermelon sized stone down the hole. They waited a couple of minutes, but didn't hear it hit either. So, they looked around for something bigger to throw down and came across an old railroad tie, which they lifted together and dumped down the hole. Then suddenly, as they waited to hear it hit, a goat streaked between the two of them and jumped straight down the mine shaft.
While they stood there scratching their heads in amazement, a third guy came up the path and asked them if they'd seen a goat.
"Yeah, just now," said one of the first two guys. "It just ran up and jumped down this hole."
"Oh, well then it couldn't have been my goat," said the third guy. "My goat was tied to an old railroad tie."
Blessed Horse
Funny Jokes Posted on Monday, July 16, 2007 by Author @ 7:13 PM
Charlie was a regular visitor at the racetrack. One afternoon he noticed an unusual sight. Right before the first race, a Catholic priest visited one of the horses in the stable area and gave it a blessing. Charlie watched the horse race very carefully, and sure enough the blessed horse came in first!Charlie followed the priest before the next race, and again he went to the stables and performed a similar procedure. Charlie played a hunch and put a couple of dollars on the blessed horse. Sure enough, the blessed horse came in by two lengths, and Charlie won close to fifty bucks!
The priest continued the same procedure through the next few races, and Charlie won each time. He was now ahead $1,000, so between races Charlie left the track and went to the bank and withdrew his life's savings, $20,000.
The biggest race of the day was the last one. Charlie followed the priest and watched carefully which horse he blessed. He then went to the betting window and put his whole $21,000 bundle of cash on that horse to win.
Then Charlie went out to watch the horses race. Down the stretch they came, and as they crossed the finish line, the horse Charlie's fortune was bet on was dead last!
Charlie was crushed. He located the priest and told him that he had been watching him bless the horses all day, and they all became winners except the last horse on which he had bet his life savings. Charlie then asked, "What happened to the last horse that you blessed? Why didn't it win like the others?"
"That's the trouble with you Free Thinker," sighed the priest. "You can never tell the difference between a blessing and the last rites."
Brother or Sister
Funny Jokes Posted on Sunday, July 15, 2007 by Author @ 10:38 PM
Little Johnny and his dad were walking through the park one day when johnny noticed 2 dogs humping... he asks his dad what they're doing, to which his dad repies that they are making puppies.That evening at home, Johnny is awoken by noises from his parents bedroom, so he goes to investigate. when he looks in, he sees his parents having sex, and asks what they're doing...
To which his father replies they are making him a little brother or sister...
Johnny thinks a second and says "Well can you flip her over, 'cause I'd rather have a puppy!"
Yearly Appraisal - What The Words Really Mean
Funny Jokes Posted on Saturday, July 14, 2007 by Author @ 4:15 PM
1) Outgoing personality - Always going out of the office2) Great presentation skills - Able to bullshit
3) Good communication skills - Spends a lot of time on the phone
4) Work is first priority - Too ugly to get a date
5) Active socially - Drinks a lot
6) Independent worker - No one knows what you are doing
7) Quick thinking - Gives excuses on the go
8) Careful thinker - Will not make decisions
9) Uses logic on difficult jobs - Gets someone else to do it
10) Expresses themselves well - Speaks English
11) Meticulous attention to detail - A nit-picker
12) Has leadership qualities - Is tall or has a louder voice
13) Exceptionally good judgment - Has been very lucky
14) Keen sense of humor - Knows a lot of dirty jokes
15) Career minded - Back stabber
16) Loyal - Cannot get another job elsewhere
17) Plans for advancement/promotion - Buys drinks for all the boys
18) Of great value to the organization - Gets to work on time
19) Relaxed attitude - Sleeps on the desk
Positive
Funny Jokes Posted on Friday, July 13, 2007 by Author @ 7:00 PM
Man: Oh God, please help me! My life is so negative now. My son is a drug addict, my daughter is a prostitute and my wife is a gambler.God: Is there anything positive in your life then?
Man: Yeah, I'm HIV positive!
Contributed By - Erisha Foo
Sister Mary
Funny Jokes Posted on Thursday, July 12, 2007 by Author @ 11:55 AM
Sister Mary walks into the Mother Superiors office and confesses "I have been having sex with the new Minister at St. Jude, what shall I do for penance?"The Mother Superior says "first you can suck a lemon"
"Oh" says Sister Mary "will that make me holy again?"
"No" says the Mother Superior "but it will take that contented smirk off of your face"
Blow Job Etiquette
Funny Jokes Posted on Wednesday, July 11, 2007 by Author @ 10:50 PM
A Woman's Thoughts1. First and foremost, we are not obligated to do it.
2. Extension to rule #1- So if you get one, be grateful.
3. I don't care WHAT they did in the porn video you saw; it is not standard practice to cum on someone's face
4. Extension to rule #3- No I DO NOT have to swallow.
5. My ears are NOT handles.
6. Extension to rule #5- DO NOT push on the top of my head. And additionally, do you really WANT puke on your dick?
7. I don't care HOW relaxed you get, it is NEVER okay to fart or fall asleep.
8. Having my period does not mean that it's "hummer week". Get it through your head! I'm bloated and I feel like shit so no, I don't feel particularly obligated to blow you just because YOU can't have sex right now.
9. Extension to #8- Blue Balls might have worked on high school girls - if you're that desperate, go jerk off and leave me alone with my idol.
10. If I have to pause to remove a pubic hair from my teeth, don't tell me I've just "wrecked it" for you.
11. Leaving me in bed while you go play video games immediately afterwards is highly inadvisable if you would like my behavior to be repeated in the future.
12. If you like how we do it, it's probably best not to speculate about the origins of our talent. Just enjoy the moment and be happy that we're good at it. See also rule number two about gratitude.
13. No, your gravy DOES NOT particularly taste good. And I don't care about the protein content. Bitch, I'd rather eat some chicken. At least it TASTES good.
14. No, I will NOT do it while you watch TV.
15. When you hear your friends complain about how they don't get blow jobs often enough, keep your mouth shut. It is inappropriate to either sympathize or brag.
16. Just because "it's awake" when you get up does not mean I have to "kiss it good morning".
*****
A Man's thoughts(by a male)
1. First of all, yes you're obligated to do it. If you don't, we will find someone (younger, prettier and dirtier) who will.
2. Second, swallowing a teaspoon full of cream is a hell of a lot easier than licking a dead fish.
3. You want to talk about farting? Does the word "queef" mean anything to you?
4. I will use your ears as I see fit. don't worry about it and be thankful I'm not pulling your hair.
5. When you're on your period, stuffing something in your mouth is the only way to stop you from bitching and moaning. Suck it up!
6. Speaking of which, if you are bleeding for five straight days, you need all the fluids you can get. trust me.
7. You bitch about the taste, but trust me when I tell you that we get the short end of the stick in flavor country.
8. At least there is no danger of a dick bleeding in your mouth.
9. Play with the balls.
10. No matter how good you think you are at it, we've had better.
11. Caress the ass, too. We like that!
12. Make hay when the sun shines. it's "wide awake" in the morning now, but when you get old & fat and looking for some action, I gah-ron-tee it'll be "sound asleep".
13. If you swallow, then you don't have to worry about getting any on your face, now will you?
Picture Taking
Funny Jokes Posted on Tuesday, July 10, 2007 by Author @ 7:18 PM
Be Careful When you take picture.True Story
I was taking a shower when my 2-year-old son came into the bathroom and wrapped himself in toilet paper. Although he made a mess, he looked adorable, so I ran for my camera and took a few shots. They came out so well that I had copies made and included one with each of our Christmas cards. Days later, a relative called about the picture, laughing hysterically, and suggesting I take a closer look. Puzzled, I stared at the photo and was shocked to discover that in addition to my son, I had captured my reflection in the mirror -wearing nothing but a camera!
Husband Shopping Center
Funny Jokes Posted on Monday, July 09, 2007 by Author @ 11:47 PM
A "Husband Shopping Center" was opened where a woman could go to choose from among many men for a husband. It was laid out in five floors, with the men increasing in positive attributes as you ascended up the floors. The only rule was, once you opened the door to any floor, you must choose a man from that floor, and if you went up a floor, you couldn't go back down except to leave the place. So, a couple of girlfriends go to the place to find men.First floor: the door had a sign saying "These men have jobs and love kids." The women read the sign and say "Well that's better than not having jobs, or not loving kids, but I wonder what's further up?"
So up they go. Second floor says "These men have high paying jobs, love kids, and are extremely good looking" Hmmm, say the girls. But, I wonder what's further up?".
Third floor: "These men have high paying jobs, are extremely good looking, love kids and help with the housework." Wow, say the women! Very tempting, but, there's more further up!? And so again, they go up.
Fourth floor: "These men have high paying jobs, love kids, are extremely good looking, help with the housework, and have a strong romantic streak." Oh, mercy me. But just think!?!?! What must be awaiting us further on!
So up to the fifth floor they go. The sign on that door said: "This floor is just to prove that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping, and have a nice day."