4 Year Old Girls
Funny Jokes Posted on Saturday, June 30, 2007 by Author @ 11:52 PM
1) An acquaintance of mine who is a physician told this story about her then 4 yr. old daughter. On the way to preschool, the doctor had left her stethoscope on the car seat, and her little girl picked it up and began playing with it. 'Be still, my heart,' thought my friend, 'my daughter wants to follow in my footsteps!' Then the child spoke into the instrument: "Welcome to McDonald's. May I take your order?"2) A little girl asked her mother, "Can I go outside and play with the boys?"
Her mother replied, "No, you can't play with the boys, they're too rough."
The little girl thought about it for a few moments and asked, "If I can find a smooth one, can I play with him?"
3) At the beginning of a children's sermon, one girl came up to the altar wearing a beautiful dress. As the children were sitting down around the pastor, he leaned over and said to the girl, "That is a very pretty dress. Is it your Easter dress?"
The girl replied almost directly into the pastor's clip-on mike, "Yes, and my Mom says it's a bitch to iron."
Contributed By - Erisha Foo
Thumb Tacks
Funny Jokes Posted on Friday, June 29, 2007 by Author @ 6:48 PM
A lady who picked up several items at a discount store. When she finally got up to the checker, she learned that one of her items had no price tag. Imagine her embarrassment when the checker got on the intercom and boomed out for all the store to hear, "PRICE CHECK ON LANE THIRTEEN, TAMPAX, SUPER SIZE." That was bad enough, but somebody at the rear of the store apparently misunderstood the word "Tampax" for THUMBTACKS." In a business-like tone, a voice boomed back over the intercom. "DO YOU WANT THE KIND YOU PUSH IN WITH YOUR THUMB OR THE KIND YOU. POUND IN WITH A HAMMER?"Definition Of Sex
Funny Jokes Posted on Thursday, June 28, 2007 by Author @ 11:24 PM
Son (S) : Why is making love so enjoyable.Phua Chu Kang (PCK) : It is just like the sensation when you are digging your nose with your finger !!
S : Why do women enjoy sex more than man PCK: It is because when you dig your nose, your nose feels more comfort than your finger.
S: Why do women hate it when they get raped?
PCK: It is like when you are walking on the street, someone else come over and dig your nose, do you like it ??
S: Why woman cannot have sex when they are having menses?
PCK: If your nose is bleeding, do you still dig it ?? Use your blain use your blainnn....
S: Why man do not like to wear condoms when they are making love.
PCK: Do you like to dig your nose with a glove on your finger.
S: Why are making love carried out in private?
PCK: Use your blain, use your blainnnnn....Will you dig your nose in front of your class?Stupid!
S: Wah . . father you very good..
Short Jokes
Funny Jokes Posted on Wednesday, June 27, 2007 by Author @ 9:44 PM
I wrote your name on sand, it got washed I wrote your name in air, it was blown away, then I wrote your name on my heart and I got heart attack.God saw me hungry, he created pizza
He saw me thirsty, he created Pepsi
He saw me in dark, he created light
He saw me without problems, he created YOU.
Twinkle Twinkle Little Star
You should know what you are
And once you know what you are
Mental hospital is not so far.
The rain makes all things beautiful, the grass and flowers too
If rain makes all things beautiful, why doesn't it rain on you?
Roses are red, violets are blue Monkeys like you should be kept in zoo
Don't feel so angry you will find me there too
Not in cage but laughing at you.
Contributed By - Jorim Boh
Fairy Tales
Funny Jokes Posted on Tuesday, June 26, 2007 by Author @ 11:32 PM
My friend likes to read his two young sons fairy tales at night. Having a deep-rooted sense of humor, he often ad-libs parts of the stories for fun.One day his youngest son was sitting in his first grade class as the teacher was reading the story of the Three Little Pigs. She came to the part of the story where the first pig was trying to acquire building materials for his home. She said "...And so the pig went up to the man with a wheelbarrow full of straw and said 'Pardon me sir, but might I have some of that straw to build my house with?'" Then the teacher asked the class "And what do you think that man said?" and my friend's son raised his hand and said "I know! I know! He said 'Holy smokes! A talking pig!'" The teacher was unable to teach for the next 10 minutes.
Bleeding Nose?
Funny Jokes Posted on Monday, June 25, 2007 by Author @ 7:29 PM
An old farmer is having trouble getting his bull to breed with the cows and is lamenting the fact to a few of his friends down the local beer hall. One of them says, "You know Ben, I used to have the same trouble with my bull, but I got it fixed really quick". "How did You get it fixed?""Well I just dipped my finger in the cow's vagina and rubbed it all over the bull's nose and he got right up her". Ben goes home to the farm and decides to try it. He grabs a cow, dips his fingers in the cow's vagina and rubs it all around the bull's nose. The bull gets a rip roaring boner and immediately gets it right up the cow.
Ben was impressed.
That night, Ben gets into bed with his wife and can't get the effect on the bull out of his mind. As she lays sleeping, Ben dips his fingers into his wife's vagina and feeling that it's nice and wet, he rubs it all around his nose and gets a rip roaring hard on.
He quickly shakes his wife awake and cries out, "Honey look!"
She rolls over, turns on the light and says, "You mean You woke me up in the middle of the night just to show me that You have a Bleeding Nose?"
WHO'S THE BOSS?
Funny Jokes Posted on Sunday, June 24, 2007 by Author @ 9:26 PM
Bill walks into a bar and finds his friend Joe sitting on a stool."Joe," Bill said, "I'm glad to see that your wife finally let you out of the house."
"Things have been different with my wife," Joe said. "In fact, just the other day, I decided to show her who was the boss."
"How did you do that?" asked Bill.
"I simply said to her, 'Mabel, we are going to have it out right now, and I am going to show you who the boss is in this relationship'."
"What happened?"
"Well, I don't want to brag, but I managed to get her on her hands and knees."
"How did you do that?"
"I was hiding under the bed at the time."
Short Jokes
Funny Jokes Posted on Saturday, June 23, 2007 by Author @ 10:33 PM
BOY : Since we met, I can't eat or drink...GIRL : Why not ??
BOY : I'm broke.
BOY : May I hold your hand??
GIRL : No thanks, it isn't heavy.
GIRL : Did you miss me while I was away??
BOY : Were you away??
GIRL : Who was that girl I saw you kissing last night??
BOY : What time was it??
GIRL : Say you love me! Say you love me!
BOY : You love me...
GIRL : If we become engaged will you give me a ring??
BOY : Sure, what's your phone number??
GIRL : I think the poorest people are the happiest..
BOY : Then marry me and we'll be the happiest couple..
CAROL : Do you remember when you proposed to me? I was so overwhelmed, I couldn't speak for an hour..
PETER : Yes Darling, that was the happiest hour of my life...
1st MAN : I'm worried about my daughter. She keeps being chased by the doctor.
2nd MAN : Has she tried an apple??
GIRL : Darling, I want to dance like this forever..
BOY : Don't you ever want to improve??
BOY : I love you and I could die for you!
GIRL : How soon??
BOY : I would go to the end of the world for you!
GIRL : Yes, but would you stay there??
Man : You remind me of the sea.
Woman : Because I'm wild, romantic and exciting?
Man : NO, because you make me sick.
Wife : You tell a man something, it goes in one ear and comes out of the other.
Husband : You tell a woman something: It goes in both ears and comes out of the mouth.
Mary : John says I'm pretty. Andy says I'm ugly. What do u think, Peter?
Peter : A bit of both. I think you're pretty ugly.
Peter : Mom, does God use our bathroom?
Mother : No, Peter. Why?
Peter : Because Daddy bangs on the door every morning and yells, "Oh god, are you still there?"
Customer : How much is that tie?
Salesman : Forty dollars.
Customer : Why, I can buy a pair of shoes with that much money.
Salesman : But how would a pair of shoes look around your neck.
Jimmy : Mom, can I have two piece of cake?
Mom : Certainly. Take this piece and cut it in two.
Woman : How can I ever repay you for your kindness and consideration to me?
Man : By cheque, money order or cash.
Sam : I hate to see a girl standing in a bus when I comfortable seated.
Lily : So what do you do?
Sam : I close my eyes.
Teacher : Have you given the goldfish fresh water?
Pupil : No, Sir. They haven't finished the water I gave them last week.
Mom : Why are you wiping the floor with that cake?
Son : Well, it's a sponge cake, isn't it?
Man : I'm new around here. Will you please direct me to the bank?
Little boy : I will, but only if you pay me ten dollars.
Man : Why should I pay you so much?
Little boy : Because bank directors are always highly paid.
Resignation Letter
Funny Jokes Posted on Friday, June 22, 2007 by Author @ 7:11 PM
Hope you don't have to use this.Sample #1 Dear Sir/Madam :
I can't believe I've spent the last three years of my life working for someone like you. You are unprofessional, boring, ugly and extremely dumb.. I think that you should take some vacation time so that your employees can actually have fun at work for a while. It's amazing how much everyone hates you.
I was considering giving you two weeks, but after thinking about it some more I've decided that I'd rather sell oranges on the side of the highway before spending one more day working for you. Consider me officially resigned!
Sincerely, So & So...
Sample #2 Dear Sir/Madam :
You are an idiot, and I can prove it. First of all, you never realized my full potential. Second, you never even learned my name. And thirdly, you don't even know how to turn your computer on without instructions. I suggest you make an appointment with your doctor to have your head examined a.s.a.p. He should be able to confirm the fact that you have a giant piece of crap lodged between your ears instead of a brain. Once you've done that, you should probably also check your boots for stain marks from all of the employees you kicked over the years. So, in other words, Sir/Madam, I resign from this crappy job. Good luck ruining other people's lives, I'm outta here.
Sincerely, So & So...
Politics Explained
Funny Jokes Posted on Thursday, June 21, 2007 by Author @ 6:44 PM
A little boy goes to his dad and asks, "What is politics?"Dad says, "Well son, let me try to explain it this way: I'm the breadwinner of the family, so let's call me capitalism. Your Mom, she's the administrator of the money, so we'll call her the Government. We're here to take care of your needs, so we'll call you the people. The nanny, we'll consider her the Working Class. And your baby brother, we'll call him the Future. Now, think about that and see if that makes sense,"
So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what dad had said. Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him. He finds that the baby has severely soiled his diaper. So the little boy goes to his parents' room and finds his mother sound asleep. Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room. Finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and sees his father in bed with the nanny. He gives up and goes back to bed. The next morning, the little boy says to his father, "Dad, I think I Understand the concept of politics now." The father says, "Good son, tell me in your own words what you think politics is all about." The little boy replies, "Well, while Capitalism is screwing the Working Class, the Government is sound asleep, the People are being ignored and the Future is in deep shit."
The Bar
Funny Jokes Posted on Wednesday, June 20, 2007 by Author @ 10:07 PM
There was this drunk guy at a bar talking to the bartender about how much he loves gambling,and that he never loses. Just then, this other guy walks in bragging that he can sit eyes closed with his back facing the bar, and name what kind and how old any beer or wine is that you give him.Only by taste and smell.The drunk who had been there before heard and thought to him self,"this would be an easy way to win some money" so he goes over to him and says,"I bet you that I can give you a drink that you can't name." "Your on.", replied the bragger "as long as you pay." "Deal!"So the gambler puts the first drink on the table.The guy closes his eyes picks up the drink and takes a sip and smells it thinks for a while and says, "imported white wine 3 years old."Stunned the gambler pays for another drink and puts it on the table, the man picks it up sips it and smells then reply,"Jack Daniels 2 years old."Stunned once more the gambler realizes that he is short on cash so he gets a glass and pisses in it and gives it to the guy. Again the guy picks up the glass and sips it, gags and spits it out."this tastes like piss!", the man says." "Yeah", says the other, "now guess how old I am!"Innocent Look
Funny Jokes Posted on Tuesday, June 19, 2007 by Author @ 10:27 PM
A local bar regular had been drinking all night. This particular night the regular drank a little more than usual.The bartender finally says that the bar is closing. So the regular stands up to leave and falls flat on his face. He tries to stand one more time, same result. He figures he'll crawl outside and get some fresh air and maybe that will sober him up.
Once outside he stands up and falls flat on his face. So he decides to crawl the 3 blocks to his home and when he arrives at the door, he stands up and falls flat on his face.
He crawls through the door into his bedroom. When he reaches his bed, he tries one more time to stand up. This time he manages to pull himself upright but he quickly falls right into bed and is sound asleep as soon as his head hits the pillow.
He awakens the next morning to his wife standing over him shouting loudly.
"So, you've been out drinking again!!" "What makes you say that?" He asks as he puts on an innocent look. "The bar called, you left your wheelchair there again."
Religious Boy
Funny Jokes Posted on Monday, June 18, 2007 by Author @ 7:16 PM
A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night and have dinner with her parents. This being a big event, the girl tells her boyfriend that after dinner, she would like to go out and "do it" for the first time. Well, the boy is ecstatic, but he has never done it before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get some protection. The pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour. He tells the boy everything there is to know about protection and doing it. At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many he'd like to buy; a 3-pack, a 10-pack, or a family pack. The boy insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be very busy, it being his first time and all.That night, the boy shows up at the girl's parent's house and meets his girlfriend at the door. "Oh I'm so excited for you to meet my parents, come on in." The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girl's parents are seated. The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head. A minute passes, and the boy still deep in prayer with his head down. Ten minutes pass and still no movement from the boy. Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend leans over and whispers to her boyfriend, "I had no idea you were so religious." The boy turns and whispers back, "I had no idea your father was a pharmacist."
Honeymoon Jitters
Funny Jokes Posted on Sunday, June 17, 2007 by Author @ 11:56 PM
A couple is on their honeymoon. It's the first time they have ever slept together. The new wife goes into the bathroom to prepare herself. She comes out of the bathroom looking really hot.The new husband is lying on the bed. He looks up and says, "If you think I'm gonna stick my thing in there, your crazy!"
The wife replies," But that's what your supposed to do on your honeymoon night."
"No way, I'm not gonna do it."
The wife replies, "Why?"
"Because if I stick it in there, you'll bite it off."
The wife laughs and says, "Where did you hear such a thing?"
"My mother told me that women have teeth down there."
"Oh honey, your mother just told you that because she didn't want you to have pre-marital sex. It will be fine."
To this the husband replied," No way, my mother wouldn't lie to me."
"Okay then, let me show you there are no teeth." She layed on the bed a spread her legs for her husband and said, "See. No teeth."
To this the husband said, "Well no wonder you don't have any teeth, look at the horrible shape your gums are in."
Castration
Funny Jokes Posted on Saturday, June 16, 2007 by Author @ 2:18 PM
Arthur goes to his doctor. " Doc" he says, "I want to be castrated".The doctor stares at him in amazement - "What on earth for?" he asks.
"It's something I've been thinking about for a long time and want to have it done," replies Arthur.
"But have you thought it through properly?" asks the doctor.
"It's a very serious operation and once it's done, there's no going back.
It will change your life forever!"
"I'm aware of that and you're not going to change my mind either you book me in to be castrated or I'll simply go to another doctor."
"Well, OK" says the doctor, "but it's against my better judgment!"
So Arthur has his operation, and the next day he is up and walking very slowly, legs apart, down the hospital corridor with his drip stand.
Heading towards him is another patient, who is walking exactly the same way.
"Hi there!"
says Arthur "it looks like you've just had the same operation as me".
"Well" said the patient "I finally decided after 37 years of life that I
would like to be circumcised". Arthur stared at him in horror.
"Shit!!! THAT'S the word!!!"
Dog's Life
Funny Jokes Posted on Friday, June 15, 2007 by Author @ 6:57 PM
A woman told a marriage counselor that her husband's complaint that he leads a dog's life is probably well founded."He comes in the house with muddy feet," she said, "tracks across my clean floors, barks at nothing, growls at his food and makes himself comfortable on my best furniture."
The Engineer & The Manager
Funny Jokes Posted on Thursday, June 14, 2007 by Author @ 9:54 PM
A man in a hot air balloon realized he was lost. He reduced altitude and spotted a woman below. He descended a bit more and shouted, "Excuse me, can you help? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don't know where I am."The woman below replied, "You are in a hot air balloon hovering approximately 30 feet above the ground. You are between 40 and 41 degrees north latitude and between 59 and 60 degrees west longitude."
You must be an engineer," said the balloonist.
"I am," replied the woman, "How did you know?"
"Well," answered the balloonist, "everything you told me is, technically correct, but I have no idea what to make of your information, and the fact is I am still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help so far."
The woman below responded, "You must be in Management."
"I am," replied the balloonist, "but how did you know?"
"Well," said the woman, "you don't know where you are or where you are going. You have risen to where you are, due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise which you have no idea how to keep, and you expect people beneath you to solve your problems. The fact is you are in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but now, somehow, it's my fault."
Children
Funny Jokes Posted on Wednesday, June 13, 2007 by Author @ 7:07 PM
A boss wondered why one of his most valued employees had not phoned in sick one day. Having an urgent problem with one of the main computers, he dialed the employee's home phone number and was greeted with a child's whisper."Hello."
"Is your daddy home?" he asked.
"Yes," whispered the small voice.
May I talk with him?"
The child whispered, "No."
Surprised and wanting to talk with an adult,the boss asked, "Is your Mommy there?"
"Yes."
"May I talk with her?"
Again the small voice whispered, "No."
Hoping there was somebody with whom he could leave a message, the boss asked, "Is anybody else there?"
"Yes," whispered the child, "a policeman"
Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee's home, the boss asked, "May I speak with the policeman?"
"No, he's busy", whispered the child.
"Busy doing what?"
"Talking to Daddy and Mommy and the Fireman," came the whispered answer.
Growing more worried as he heard what sounded like a helicopter through the ear piece on the phone, the boss asked, "What is that noise?"
"A helicopter" answered the whispering voice.
"What is going on there?" demanded the boss, now truly apprehensive.
Again, whispering, the child answered, "The search team just landed the Helicopter."
Alarmed, concerned and a little frustrated the boss asked, "What are they searching for?"
Still whispering, the young voice replied with a muffled giggle:
"ME."
Guess the Animal
Funny Jokes Posted on Tuesday, June 12, 2007 by Author @ 7:24 PM
The first grade class gathered around the teacher for a game of"Guess the Animal." The first picture the teacher held up was of a cat.
"Okay boys and girls," she said brightly, "can anyone tell me what this is?"
"I know, I know, it's a cat!" yelled a little boy.
"Very good Eddie. Now, who knows what this animal is called?"
"That's a dog!" piped up the same little boy.
"Right again. And what animal is this?" she asked, holding up a picture of a deer.
Silence fell over the class. After a minute or two, the teacher said,
"I'll give you a hint, children...it's something your mother calls your father."
"I know, I know," screamed Eddie. "It's a Nincompoop!"
Wishing Well
Funny Jokes Posted on Monday, June 11, 2007 by Author @ 11:41 PM
A couple came upon a wishing well. The husband leaned over, made a wish and threw in a penny. The wife decided to make a wish, too. But she leaned over too much, fell into the well, and drowned. The husband was stunned for a while but then smiled "It really works!"Singaporeans
Funny Jokes Posted on Sunday, June 10, 2007 by Author @ 11:12 PM
There once was a very good old barber in New York.One day a florist goes to him for a haircut. After the cut, he goes to pay the barber and the barber replies:
"I am sorry. I cannot accept money from you. I am doing community service."
The Florist is happy and leaves the shop. The next morning when the barber goes to open his shop, there is a thank you card and a dozen roses waiting at his door. A policeman goes for a haircut and he also goes to pay the barber after the cut.
But the barber replies: "I am sorry. I cannot accept money from you. I am doing community service." The cop is happy and leaves the shop. The next morning the barber goes to open his shop, there is a thank you card and a dozen donuts waiting at his door.
A Singaporean software engineer goes for a haircut and he also goes to pay the barber after the cut. But the barber replies: "I am sorry. I cannot accept money from you. I am doing community service."
The Singaporean software engineer is happy and leaves.
The next morning when the barber goes to open his shop, guess what he finds there?
Can you guess?
Come on, think like a Singaporean....
Have you got the answer?
....
a dozen Singaporeans waiting for a free haircut!
Contributed By - Liane
Winter Vacation
Funny Jokes Posted on Saturday, June 09, 2007 by Author @ 11:44 PM
Two young lovers go up to the mountains for a romantic winter vacation. When they get there, the guy goes out to chop some wood. When he gets back, he says, "Honey, my hands are freezing!" She says, "Well, put them here between my thighs and that will warm them up."After lunch he goes back out to chop some more wood and comes back and says again, "Man! my hands are really freezing!" She says again, "Well, put them here between my thighs and warm them up." He does, and again that warms him up.
After dinner, he goes out one more time to chop some wood to get them through the night. When he returns, he says again, "Honey, my hands are really, really freezing!" She looks at him and says, "For crying out loud, don't your ears ever get cold?"
Good And Bad News
Funny Jokes Posted on Friday, June 08, 2007 by Author @ 11:52 PM
Doctor : I have some bad news and some very bad news.Patient : Well, might as well give me the bad news first.
Doctor : The lab called with your test results. They said you have 24hours to live.
Patient : 24 hours! That's terrible!! What could be worse? What's the very bad news?
Doctor : I've been trying to reach you since yesterday.