3 Guys in Heaven
Funny Jokes Posted on Monday, April 30, 2007 by Author @ 6:53 PM
Three guys die and go to heaven. The first goes up to St. Peter who says, "I have only one question before you go into heaven: Were you faithful to your wife?" The guy answers, "Yes, I've never even looked at another women."St.Peter says, "See that Rolls-Royce over there? That's your car to drive while you're in heaven."
The second guy gets the same question, and answers, "Once I strayed, but I confessed to my wife and she forgave me and we worked it out."
St. Peter says, "See that new Buick over there, that's your car to use in heaven."
The third guy answers the same question, "I have to admit, I've chased every girl I saw, and was with a lot of women."
St. Peter says, "Okay, but you were basically a good guy, so that old VW Bug over there is yours to use while you're in heaven.
The three guys go off on their separate ways.
A few weeks later, guy #2 and guy #3 are driving along when they see guy #1's Rolls Royce parked outside of a bar. They stop and go into the bar and find guy #1 with empty bottles all around him, face down with his face in is hands on the bar.
They come up to him and guy #2 says, "Bud, what could possibly be so bad-you're in heaven, you drive a Rolls Royce, and everything is great!"
He says, "I saw my wife today!"
The other two answers, "That's great! What's the problem?"
He answers, "She was riding a skateboard!"
Contributed By - Chew Si Hui
Qualifying for Heaven
Funny Jokes Posted on Sunday, April 29, 2007 by Author @ 4:44 PM
Recently a teacher, a garbage collector, and a lawyer wound up together at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter informed them that in order to get into Heaven, they would each have to answer one question.St. Peter addressed the teacher and asked, "What was the name of the ship that crashed into the iceberg? They just made a movie about it."
The teacher answered quickly, "That would be the Titanic." St. Peter let him through the gate.
St. Peter turned to the garbage man and, figuring Heaven didn't *really* need all the odors that this guy would bring with him, decided to make the question a little harder: "How many people died on the ship?"
Fortunately for him, the trash man had just seen the movie. "1,228," he answered.
"That's right! You may enter."
St. Peter turned to the lawyer. "Name them."
Contributed By - Chew Si Hui
Period
Funny Jokes Posted on Saturday, April 28, 2007 by Author @ 11:20 PM
A prostitute on her period decides to catch a client anyway. She thinks to herself, "I'll find some drunk. He won't even notice anything."She goes to the bar, finds a really drunk guy there, takes him to the nearest hotel and they spend the night together. The guy wakes up the next morning (the prostitute is already gone by then) and as he starts to get out of bed he sees that his hands are covered in blood. He starts running around the room, saying to himself in panic, "Oh my God! I killed her! I killed her!!!...". As he runs to the bathroom he passes the mirror, stops, looks at himself for a second n then screams, "Oh my God!!! And I ate her too!!!....".
Overturned Wagon
Funny Jokes Posted on Friday, April 27, 2007 by Author @ 9:33 PM
A farm boy accidentally overturned his wagonload of wheat on the road. The farmer that lived nearby came to investigate. "Hey, Willis," he called out, "forget your troubles for a while and come and have dinner with us. Then I'll help you overturn the wagon.""That's very nice of you," Willis answered, "but I don't think Dad would like me to."
"Aw, come on, son!" the farmer insisted.
"Well, OK," the boy finally agreed, "but Dad won't like it."
After a hearty dinner, Willis thanked the host. "I feel a lot better now, but I know Dad's going to be real upset."
"Don't be silly!" said the neighbor. "By the way, where is he?"
"Under the wagon," replied Willis.
Icing
Funny Jokes Posted on Thursday, April 26, 2007 by Author @ 7:05 PM
There was a little girl and her mother walking through the park one day and they saw two teenagers having sex on a bench. The little girl says, "Mummy what are they doing?" The mother hesitates then quickly replies, "Ummm they are making cakes."The next day they are at a zoo and the little girl sees two monkeys having sex. Again she asks her mother what they are doing and her mother replies with the same response, making cakes.
The next day the girl says to her mother "Mummy, you and Daddy were making cakes in the living room last night."
Shocked, the Mother says, "how do you know?"
The little girl replies, "I licked the icing off the sofa."
You'll get us both fired.....
Funny Jokes Posted on Wednesday, April 25, 2007 by Author @ 7:46 PM
One day an out of work mime is visiting the zoo and attempts to earn some money as a street performer.Unfortunately, as soon as he starts to draw a crowd, a zoo keeper grabs him and drags him into his office. The zoo keeper explains to the mime that the zoos most popular attraction, a gorilla has died suddenly and the keeper fears that attendance at the zoo will fall off. He offers the mime a job to dress up as the gorilla until they can get another one. The mime accepts.
So the next morning the mime puts on the gorilla suit and enters the cage before crowd comes. He discovers that its a great job. He can sleep all he wants, play and make fun of people and he draws bigger crowds than he ever did as a mime.
However, eventually the crowds tire of him and he tires of just swinging on tires. He begins to notice that the people are paying more attention to the lion in the cage next to his. Not wanting to lose the attention of his audience, he climbs to the top of his cage, crawls across a partition, and dangles from the top to the lions cage.
Of course, this makes the lion furious, but the crowd loves it.
At the end of the day the zoo keeper comes and gives the mime a raise for being such a good attraction. Well, this goes on for some time, the mime keeps taunting the lion, the crowds grow larger, and his salary keeps going up.
Then one terrible day when he is dangling over the furious lion he slips and falls. The mime is terrified. The lion gathers itself and prepares to pounce. The mime is so scared that he begins to run round and round the cage with the lion close behind. Finally, the mime starts screaming and yelling, 'Help, Help me!', but the lion is quick and pounces.
The mime soon finds himself flat on his back looking up at the angry lion and the lion says, 'Shut up you idiot! Do you want to get us both fired?'
Lawyer
Funny Jokes Posted on Tuesday, April 24, 2007 by Author @ 1:48 PM
There is a truck driver driving along, and he stops and picks up a priest to give him a ride.He's driving down the highway and he sees a lawyer along the side of the road and things, "Hot damn! A lawyer that I could run over!" So he speeds up and heads straight for him.
At the last second he remembers the priest with him. So he swerves real quick to miss him, but still hears a thump. He looks behind, no sign of the lawyer.
He says to the priest "Wow, that was a close one, I almost hit that lawyer!"
The priest then replies "That's ok son, I got him with my door."
Telephone Poles
Funny Jokes Posted on Monday, April 23, 2007 by Author @ 11:59 PM
A foreman sent out two groups of men to put up telephone poles along a new highway and asked them to report at the end of the day. The crews were gone all day and returned just as the sun was setting.The foreman asked the leader of the first group how many poles they had installed. The reply was eleven.
The foreman patted the guy on the back and said, "Not bad." Then he went to the leader of the next group and asked him the same question. Two was the reply.
"Two! All you installed were two?! The other group installed eleven!" The foreman exclaimed angrily.
"Yeah," the leader answered, "But you should have seen how much they left sticking out!"
5Cs + 5Ks
Funny Jokes Posted on Sunday, April 22, 2007 by Author @ 4:46 PM
Most of you would have heard of the Singapore 5 'C's?Car, Condo,Credit Card (Gold), Cash and Career
The latest is 5 'K's ...
Kiasu (scared of losing)
Kiasee (scared of dying)
Kiabor (scared of wife)
Kiaboh (scared of having nothing)
Kiachenghu (scared of government)
We've been reading about the 5 C's and 5 K's for Singaporeans, Now comes the 5 Numerals and Malaysia's equivalent...
Singapore's "practice" for Simple Living :
1 - One Wife
2 - Two Children
3 - Three Bedroom Condo
4 - Four Wheels
5 - Five Figure Salary
That's why "Singapore is solid" !
Malaysia is in such a bad shape because.......
Malaysia's "practice" to Simple Living :
5 - Five Children
4 - Four Wives
3 - Three Figure Salary
2 - Two Wheels
1 - One-Storey Link House...
Conceiving
Funny Jokes Posted on Saturday, April 21, 2007 by Author @ 9:23 PM
A young married couple has difficulties conceiving a baby, so after a while the wife consults her doctor, who recommends the minor of three possible operations.The operation is performed, but a month later, she's still not pregnant, so she goes to see the doctor again. This time he recommends the medium operation, a somewhat more serious operation, but still not as complicated as the third alternative. But, there's still no result, and another month later she's back in the doctors office, and this time she gets the big one.
After having recovered in some weeks, the couple resumes normal marital activities, and this time they actually succeed in conceiving a baby.
Filled with joy, the young wife now sees the doctor for the regular examination during pregnancy and says, "We're so happy doctor, we're finally having a baby. But what was this third operation actually all about? The first two weren't that bad, but this last one I think must have been quite a job, I was dizzy for weeks after."
"Well," the doctor replies, "since the first two standard operations failed, we started suspecting your method rather than your ability, so I made a connection from your throat to your uterus."
Highway Patrol Ball
Funny Jokes Posted on Friday, April 20, 2007 by Author @ 9:50 PM
I wonder if this one is true?A young woman was pulled over for speeding. As the motorcycle officer walked to her car window, flipping open his ticket book, she said, "I bet you are going to sell me a ticket to the Highway Patrolman's Ball.."
He replied, "Highway Patrolman don't have balls."
There was a moment of silence while she smiled, and he realized what he'd just said. He then closed his book, got back on his motorcycle and left.
She was laughing too hard to start her car for several minutes.
General
Funny Jokes Posted on Thursday, April 19, 2007 by Author @ 7:35 PM
True StoryIt was a hot summer evening, and my wife and I were preparing to join friends at my wife's friend Jane's house.
My wife took a bath and decided to try one of her new body lotions. She always smells terrific. She dressed in a knee length light summer dress. Looked great! My wife never wears underwear.
Off we went to Jane's house. Got there just as the sun was going down. We had drinks and food, and we were having a good time. Until Jane called her boyfriend's dog General to come into the house. Instantly General was attracted to my wife. He kept trying to put his head up her skirt. I guess the General liked what he smelled.
She became so embarrassed! She kept try to push him away. Before Jane could get to him to take him outside, he had a huge hard on. Everyone laughed, except my wife. And to this day, every time that Jane calls her up, she ends the call by saying "And General misses you, too!" Needless to say we don't visit Jane much anymore.
Answering Machine
Funny Jokes Posted on Wednesday, April 18, 2007 by Author @ 7:41 PM
My wife and I can't come to the phone right now, but if you'll leave your name and number, we'll get back to you as soon as we're finished.Hi. I am probably home. I'm just avoiding someone I don't like. Leave me a message, and if I don't call back, it's you.
A is for academics, B is for beer. One of those reasons is why we're not here. So leave a message.
Hi. This is John. If you are the phone company, I already sent the money. If you are my parents, please send money. If you are my financial aid institution, you didn't lend me enough money. If you are my friends, you owe me money. If you are a female, don't worry, I have plenty of money.
Hello, you are talking to a machine. I am capable of receiving messages. My owners do not need siding, windows, or a hot tub, and their carpets are clean. They give to charity through their office and do not need their picture taken. If you're still with me, leave your name and number and they will get back to you.
This is not an answering machine -- this is a telepathic thought- recording device. After the tone, think about your name, your reason for calling and a number where I can reach you, and I'll think about returning your call.
Hi, I'm not home right now but my answering machine is, so you can talk to it instead. Wait for the beep.
Hello, you've reached Jim and Sonya. We can't pick up the phone right now, because we're doing something we really enjoy. Sonya likes doing it up and down, and I like doing it left to right ... real slowly. So leave a message, and when we're done brushing our teeth, we'll get back to you.
Sense Of Humor
Funny Jokes Posted on Tuesday, April 17, 2007 by Author @ 7:38 PM
A wife asked her husband:"What do you like most in me - my pretty face or my sexy body?"
He looked at her from head to toe and replied:
"I like your sense of humor."
Born with Bullets
Funny Jokes Posted on Monday, April 16, 2007 by Author @ 9:34 PM
A pregnant woman walks into a bank, and lines up at the first available teller. Just at that moment the bank gets robbed and she is shot three times in the stomach. She was rushed to the hospital where she was fixed up. As she leaves she asks the doctor about her baby.The doctor says, "Oh! You're going to have triplets. They're fine but each one has a bullet lodged in its stomach. Don't worry though the bullets will pass through their system through normal metabolism."
As time goes on the woman has three children, two girls and a boy. Twelve years later, one of the girls comes up to her mother and says "Mommy, I've done a very weird thing!"
Her mother asks her what happened and her daughter replies, "I passed a bullet into the toilet." The woman comforts her and explains all about the accident at the bank.
A few weeks later, her other daughter comes up to her with tears streaming from her eyes. "Mommy, I've done a very bad thing!" The mother says, "Let me guess. You passed a bullet into the toilet, right?"
The daughter looks up from her teary eyes and says, "Yes, how did you know?"
The mother comforts her child and explains about the incident at the bank.
A month later the boy comes up and says, "Mommy, I've done a very bad thing!"
"You passed a bullet into the toilet, right?"
"No, I was masturbating and I shot the dog."
Sweetheart
Funny Jokes Posted on Sunday, April 15, 2007 by Author @ 3:36 PM
A young man wanted to purchase a gift for his new sweetheart's birthday, and as they had not been dating very long, after careful consideration, he decided a pair of gloves would strike the right note: romantic, but not too personal.Accompanied by his sweetheart's younger sister, he went to Nordstrom and bought a pair of white gloves.
The sister purchased a pair of panties for herself.During the wrapping, the clerk mixed up the items and the sister got the gloves and the sweetheart got the panties. Without checking the contents, the young man sealed the package and sent it to his sweetheart with the following note:
I chose these because I noticed that you are not in the habit of wearing any when we go out in the evening. If it had not been for your sister, I would have chosen the long ones with the buttons, but she wears short ones that are easier to remove.
These are a delicate shade, but the lady I bought them from showed me the pair she had been wearing for the past three weeks and they were hardly soiled. I had her try yours on for me and she looked really smart. I wish I as there to put them on for you the first time, as no doubt other hands will come in contact with them before I have a chance to see you again.
When you take them off, remember to blow in them before putting them away as they will naturally be a little damp from wearing.
Just think how many times I will kiss them during the coming year. I hope you will wear them for me on Friday night. All my love.
P.S. The latest style is to wear them folded down with a little fur showing."
How To Annoy Telemarketers
Funny Jokes Posted on Saturday, April 14, 2007 by Author @ 12:19 PM
1. If they want to loan you money, tell them you just filed for bankruptcy and you could sure use some money.2. If they start out with, "How are you today?" say, "I'm so glad you asked, because no one these days seems to care, and I have all these problems; my arthritis is acting up, my eyelashes are sore, my dog just died..."
3. If they say they're John Doe from XYZ Company, ask them to spell their name. Then ask them to spell the company name. Then ask them where it is located, how long it has been in business, how many people work there, how they got into this line of work, are they maried?, kids?, etc. Continue asking them personal questions or questions about their company for as long as necessary.
4. This works great if you are male:
Telemarketer: "Hi, my name is Judy and I'm with XYZ Company..." You: Wait for a second and with a real husky voice ask, "What are you wearing?"
5. Cry out in surprise,"Judy! Is that you? Oh my God! Judy, how have you been?" Hopefully, this will give Judy a few brief moments of terror as she tries to figure out where the hell she could know you from.
6. Say "No", over and over. Be sure to vary the sound of each one, and keep a rhythmic tempo, even as they are trying to speak. This is most fun if you can do it until they hang up.
7. If MCI calls trying to get you to sign up for the Family and Friends Plan, reply, in as SINISTER a voice as you can, "I don't have any friends... would you be my friend?"
8. If the company cleans rugs, respond: "Can you get out blood? Can you get out GOAT blood? How about HUMAN blood?
9. After the Telemarketer gives their spiel, ask him/her to marry you. When they get all flustered, tell them that you could not just give your credit card number to a complete stranger.
10. Tell the Telemarketer that you work for the same company, they often can't sell to employees.
11. Answer the phone. As soon as you realize it is a Telemarketer, set the receiver down, shout or scream, "Oh my God!!!" and then hang up.
12. Tell the Telemarketer you are busy at the moment and ask him/her if he/she will give you his/her HOME phone number so you can call him/her back. When the Telemarketer explains that telemarketers cannot give out their HOME numbers you say "I guess you don't want anyone bothering you at home, right?" The Telemarketer will agree and you say, "Me, either!" Hang up.
13. Ask them to repeat everything they say, several times.
14. Tell them it is dinner time, BUT ask if they would please hold. Put them on your speaker phone while you continue to eat at your leisure. Smack your food loudly and continue with your dinner conversation.
15. Tell the Telemarketer you are on "home incarceration" and ask if they could bring you some beer.
16. Ask them to fax the information to you, and make up a number.
17. Tell the Telemarketer, "Okay, I will listen to you. But I should probably tell you, I'm not wearing any clothes."
18. Insist that the caller is really your buddy Leon, playing a joke. "Come on Leon, cut it out! Seriously, Leon, how's your momma?"
19. Tell them you are hard of hearing and that they need to speak up... louder... louder...louder...
20. Tell them to talk VERY SLOWLY, because you want to write EVERY WORD down.
Three Man
Funny Jokes Posted on Friday, April 13, 2007 by Author @ 12:16 PM
Three guys: a Canadian, Osama bin Laden, and Uncle Sam are out walking together one day. They come across a lantern and a genie pops out of it."I will give each of you each one wish. That's three wishes total," says the genie.
The Canadian says, "I'm a farmer, my dad was a farmer, and my son will also farm. I want the land to be forever fertile in Canada."
With a blink of the genie's eye, *POOF* the land in Canada was forever made fertile for farming.
Bin Laden was amazed, so he said, "I want a wall around Afghanistan, so that no infidels, Jews, or Americans can come into our precious state."
Again, with a blink of the genie's eye, *POOF* there was a huge wall around Afghanistan.
"Uncle Sam" (A former civil engineer), asks, "I'm very curious. Please tell me more about this wall."
The Genie explains, "Well, it's about 15,000 feet high, 500 feet thick, and completely surrounds the country; nothing can get in or out - it's virtually impenetrable."
Uncle Sam says, "Fill it with water."
Gymnast
Funny Jokes Posted on Thursday, April 12, 2007 by Author @ 1:57 PM
I'm a gymnast. Recently, after winning the all around at this local competition, I was asked to pose with my trophy for a picture in the newspaper. I got the trophy, kneeled down and proudly held the huge trophy in my hands.The photographer, then said, "Uh, before we take the picture, you might wanna put junior back in the house!"
You see, my weener was hanging out of my shorts.
Gynaecologist
Funny Jokes Posted on Wednesday, April 11, 2007 by Author @ 2:18 PM
A beautiful, voluptuous woman goes to see a gynaecologist. The doctor takes one good look at this woman and his professionalism is a thing of the past. Right away he tells her to undress. After she has disrobed he begins to stroke her thigh.As he does he says to the woman: "Do you know what I`m doing ?"
"Yes," she says, "you`re checking for any abrasions or dermatological abnormalities."
"Correct," says the doctor.
He then begins to fondle her breasts. "Do you know what I`m doing now", he says.
"Yes," says the woman, "you`re checking for any lumps or breast cancer."
"That`s right," replies the doctor. He then gradually proceeds to having sexual intercourse with her. "Do you know," he pants "what I`m doing now?"
"Yes," she says. "You`re getting herpes."
Casino Evil
Funny Jokes Posted on Tuesday, April 10, 2007 by Author @ 10:57 AM
At a posh Las Vegas casino, a blackjack dealer and a player with a 13 count in his hand are arguing about whether or not it is appropriate to tip the dealer. The player says, "When I get bad cards, it's not the dealer's fault. Accordingly, when I get good cards, the dealer obviously has nothing to do with that either, so why should I tip him?"The dealer replies, "When you eat at a restaurant do you tip the waiter?"
"Yes," the gambler concedes.
"Well then, he serves you food; whether it's good or bad isn't up to him. By the same token, I'm serving you cards, so you should tip me."
"OK," says the gambler, "but the waiter gives me what I ask for. I'll take an 8."
Cow Milking
Funny Jokes Posted on Monday, April 09, 2007 by Author @ 12:32 PM
A farmer is sitting in the neighborhood bar getting soused. A man comes in and asks the farmer, "Hey, why are you sitting here on this beautiful day getting drunk?"Farmer: Some things you just can't explain.
Man: So what happened that's so horrible?
Farmer: Well, today I was sitting by my cow milking her. Just as I got the bucket about full, she took her left leg and kicked over the bucket.
Man: Ok, but that's not so bad.
Farmer: Some things you just can't explain.
Man: So what happened then?
Farmer: I took her left leg and tied it to the post on the left.
Man: and then?
Farmer: Well, I sat back down and continued to milk her. Just as I got the bucket about full, she took her right leg and kicked over the bucket.
Man: Again?
Farmer: Some things you just can't explain.
Man: So, what did you do then?
Farmer: I took her right leg this time and tied it to the post on the right.
Man: and then?
Farmer: Well, I sat back down and began milking her again. Just as got the bucket about full, the stupid cow knocked over the bucket with her tail.
Man: Hmmm...
Farmer: Some things you just can't explain.
Man: So, what did you do?
Farmer: Well, I didn't have any more rope, so I took off my belt and tied her tail to the rafter. In that moment, my pants fell down and my wife walked in.....
Second Opinion
Funny Jokes Posted on Sunday, April 08, 2007 by Author @ 5:28 PM
A man and his wife were having a heated argument at breakfast.As he stormed out of the house, the man angrily yelled to his wife, "You aren't that good in bed either!"
By midmorning, he decided he'd better make amends and phoned home.
After many rings, his wife, clearly out of breath, answered the phone.
"What took you so long to answer and why are you panting?"
"I was in bed."
"What in the world are you doing in bed at this hour?"
"Getting a second opinion."