Why is air a lot like sex?
Funny Jokes Posted on Saturday, March 31, 2007 by Author @ 1:18 PM
Q. Why is air a lot like sex?A. Because it's no big deal unless you're not getting any.
H To O
Funny Jokes Posted on Friday, March 30, 2007 by Author @ 7:10 PM
Teacher: What is the chemical formula for water?Student: H I J K L M N O!!
Teacher: What are you talking about?
Student: Yesterday you said it's H to O!
Contributed By - Liane Chang
80% of Malaysians going to UK to study law?
Funny Jokes Posted on Thursday, March 29, 2007 by Author @ 9:20 AM
UK Immigration Officer: Purpose of visit?Visitor: I'm here to study law, sir.
Officer: You know, you must have a lot of lawyers in Malaysia.
Visitor: Why do you say that?
Officer: Well, I've been here for a good twenty years, and I'd say 80% of Malaysians I see here say they're here to read law.
Visitor: Oh, really? That's really something I never knew. Hard to believe in fact.
Officer: Just you watch, then. You just stand here until the next Malaysian comes along, and I'll bet he's here to read law.
*Visitor waits for 5 mins, Ah Chong from Malaysia comes to immigration counter*
Officer: Mr. Ah Chong, purpose of visit?
Ah Chong: Study lorr...
Harassment
Funny Jokes Posted on Wednesday, March 28, 2007 by Author @ 1:12 PM
Teacher: Johnny, Use "harassment" in a sentence..Johnny: Her mouth said 'no', but her ass meant 'yes'.
Heaven
Funny Jokes Posted on Tuesday, March 27, 2007 by Author @ 7:30 PM
Little Johnny was sitting in class one day. On this particular day, the teacher wanted to ask her class which part of the body went to heaven first. One little girl raised her hand and said, "I think your mind goes to heaven first because you have to have a mind in order to believe in God." The teacher praises the little girl as a little boy raises his hand. He says, "I think your heart goes to heaven first because God is all about love.""Very good," said the teacher. The teacher looked up and saw Little Johnny's hand up.
"Oh no," she thought, "I'm not gonna like this." "Little Johnny, which part of the body do you think goes to heaven first?"
Little Johnny thinks for a minute and says, "Your feet." The teacher asked him why he thought your feet go to heaven first.
He replied, "Well, I was walking past my parents bedroom last night and my mom had her feet up in the air and she said, 'Oh God, I'm coming!'"
Chin-Chin The Panda
Funny Jokes Posted on Monday, March 26, 2007 by Author @ 8:31 PM
Chin-Chin the panda was on trial for entering a New York City restaurant, eating dinner, pulling out a machine gun, and shooting out the windows and doors.The judge looked at Chin-Chin's lawyer and proclaimed, "Thirty eyewitnesses saw your client pay for dinner, shoot up the place, and leave. Security cameras caught the entire incident on video. I have no choice but to sentence your client ..."
"Wait a second, your honor," said the lawyer, "My client may be guilty, but there are extenuating circumstances. He couldn't help his behavior that night, and if you look up the word 'panda' in the dictionary, you'll have no choice but to agree."
The judge was puzzled, but he had his secretary bring his dictionary into court. There, under the letter P, he found; "PANDA: Black and white bear from China that eats shoots and leaves."
Caught
Funny Jokes Posted on Sunday, March 25, 2007 by Author @ 6:43 PM
When I was 18, my mom & grandma (whom I lived with) went away for the afternoon and my boyfriend and I decided to have sex.Everything was going good until I heard "What's going on???" Turns out my grandma had come home early and walked in on me having sex.
Embarrassing? Yes. But, what makes it even more embarrassing is that she demanded to see what we were wearing - which was nothing. We refused to show her and she ripped him out of my bed and showed him out the door.
I heard, "So has grandma caught you having sex lately?" for about 5 years after that.
Swiss Tourist
Funny Jokes Posted on Saturday, March 24, 2007 by Author @ 10:06 AM
A Swiss guy visiting Sydney, Australia, pulls up at a bus stop where two locals are waiting."Entschuldigung, koennen Sie Deutsch sprechen?" he asks.
The two Aussies just stare at him.
"Excusez-moi, parlez vous Francais?" he tries. The two continue to stare.
"Parlare Italiano?"
No response.
"Hablan ustedes Espanol?"
Still nothing.
The Swiss guy drives off, extremely disgusted. The first Aussie turns to the second and says, "Y'know, maybe we should learn a foreign language."
"Why?" says the other. "That guy knew four languages, and it didn't do him any good."
Drunk
Funny Jokes Posted on Friday, March 23, 2007 by Author @ 9:08 PM
An extremely modest man was in the hospital for a series of tests, the last of which had left his bodily systems extremely upset.Upon making several false alarm trips to the bathroom, he decided the latest episode was another and stayed put. He suddenly filled his bed with diarrhea and was embarrassed beyond his ability to remain rational.
In a complete loss of composure he jumped out of bed, gathered up the bed sheets, and threw them out the hospital window. A drunk was walking by the hospital when the sheets landed on him. He started yelling, cursing, and swinging his arms violently trying to get the unknown things off, and ended up with the soiled sheets in a tangled pile at his feet.
As the drunk stood there, unsteady on his feet, staring down at the sheets, a hospital security guard (barely containing his laughter, and who had watched the whole incident), walked up and asked, "What the heck is going on here?" The drunk, still staring down replied, "I think I just beat the shit out of a ghost."
Deaf Genie
Funny Jokes Posted on Thursday, March 22, 2007 by Author @ 5:39 PM
A man walks into a bar with a paper bag. He sits down and places the bag on the counter. The bartender walks up and asks what's in the bag.The man reaches into the bag and pulls out a little man, of about 12 inches height, and sets him on the counter. He reaches back into the bag and pulls out a small piano, setting it on the counter as well. He reaches into the bag once again and pulls out a tiny piano bench. The little man sits down at the piano and starts playing a beautiful piece by Mozart.
"Where on earth did you get that ???" asked the surprised bartender. The man responds by reaching into the paper bag. This time he pulls out a magic lamp. He hands it to the bartender and says: "Here. Rub it."
So the bartender rubs the lamp, and suddenly there's a gust of smoke and a beautiful genie is standing before him. "I will grant you one wish - just one."
The bartender gets real excited. Without hesitating he says, "I want a million bucks !"
A few moments later, a duck walks into the bar. Another duck, then another soon follow it. Pretty soon, the entire bar is filled with ducks and they keep coming!
The bartender turns to the man and says, "You know, I think your genie's a little deaf. I asked for a million bucks, not a million ducks."
The man replies, "Do you really think I asked for a 12 inch pianist ??? "
The Dying Irish Nun
Funny Jokes Posted on Wednesday, March 21, 2007 by Author @ 11:59 PM
The wise old Mother Superior from county Tipperary was dying. The nuns gathered around her bed trying to make her comfortable. They gave her some warm milk to drink, but she refused it. Then one nun took the glass back to the kitchen.Remembering a bottle of Irish whiskey they had received as a gift the previous Christmas, she opened and poured a generous amount into the warm milk.
When she walked back at Mother Superior's bed, she held the glass to her lips. Mother drank a little, then a little more. Before they knew it, she had drunk the whole glass down to the last drop.
"Mother," the nuns asked with earnest, "please give us some wisdom before you die."
She raised herself up in bed with a pious look on her face and said, "Don't sell that cow."
Contributed By - Chew Si Hui
Attitude
Funny Jokes Posted on Tuesday, March 20, 2007 by Author @ 4:55 PM
A young couple on their wedding night were in their honeymoon suite.As they were undressing for bed, the husband, a big burly man, tossed his trousers to his new bride. He said, "Here, put these on."
She put them on and the waist was twice the size of her body.
"I can't wear your trousers." she said.
"That's right,'' said the husband, "and don't you ever forget it. I'm the man who wears the pants in this family."
With that she flipped him her panties and said, "Try these on."
He tried them on and found he could only get them on as far as his kneecaps.
"Hell," he said. ''I can't get into your panties!"
She replied, "That's right...and that's the way it is going to stay until your attitude changes."
Sex Drive
Funny Jokes Posted on Monday, March 19, 2007 by Author @ 6:44 PM
A mature woman goes to the doctor and asks his help to revive her man's sex drive."What about trying Viagra ?" asks the doctor.
"Not a chance, " says Mrs Murphy. "He won't even take an aspirin for a headache."
"No problem," replies the doctor, "drop it into his coffee, he won't even taste it."
A week later, Mrs Murphy visits the doctor and he inquiries as to how things went.
"Oh, it was terrible, just terrible, doctor.
"What happened ?" asks the doctor.
"Well, I did as you advised and slipped it in his coffee while we were having breakfast. The effect was immediate. He jumped straight up, swept the cutlery off the table, at the same time ripping my clothes off, and then proceeded to make passionate love to me on the tabletop. It was terrible."
"What's terrible ?" asked the doctor, "was the sex not good ?"
"Oh no, doctor, the sex was the best I've had in 25 years, but I'll never be able to show my face in McDonald's again."
Old Rooster
Funny Jokes Posted on Sunday, March 18, 2007 by Author @ 8:17 PM
An old farmer decided it was time to get a new rooster for his hens. So he buys a new *@#* from the local rooster emporium, and turns him loose in the barnyard.Well, the old rooster sees the young one strutting around and he's a little worried about being replaced. He walks up to the new bird. "So you're the new stud in town? I bet you really think you're hot stuff don't you? Well I'm not ready for the chopping block yet. I'll bet I'm still the better bird. And to prove it, I challenge you to a race around that hen house over there. We'll run around it ten times and whoever finishes first gets to have all the hens for himself." Well, the young rooster was a proud sort, and he definitely thought he was more than a match for the old guy. "You're on," he said, "and since I'm so great, I'll even give you a head start of half a lap. I'll still win easy!"
So the two roosters go over to the hen house to start the race with all the hens gathering to watch. The race begins and all the hens start cheering the old rooster on. After the first lap, the old rooster is still maintaining his lead. After the second lap, the old guy's lead has slipped a little -- but he's still hanging in there. Unfortunately, the old rooster's lead continues to slip each time around, and by the fifth lap he's just barely in front of the young fella.
By now the farmer has heard the commotion. He runs into the house, gets his shotgun and runs into the barnyard figuring a fox or something is after his chickens. When he gets there, he sees the two roosters running around the hen house, with the old rooster still slightly in the lead. He immediately takes his shotgun, aims, fires, and blows the young rooster away. "Damn. That's the third gay rooster I've bought this month."
The Cruise
Funny Jokes Posted on Saturday, March 17, 2007 by Author @ 3:01 PM
A guy goes to a travel agent and books a two-week cruise for himself and his girlfriend. A couple days before the cruise, the travel agent calls and saysthe cruise has been canceled, but he can get them on a three-day cruise instead.
The guy says "OK," and goes to the pharmacy to buy three Dramamine and three condoms.
Next day, the agent calls back and says he now can book a five-day cruise.
The guy says he'll take it.
He returns to the same pharmacy and buys two more Dramamine and two more condoms.
The following day, the travel agent calls again and says he can now book an eight-day cruise.
The guy says, "OK," and goes back to the drug store and asks for three more Dramamine and three more condoms.
Finally, the pharmacist asks, "Look, if having sex makes you sick, how come you keep doing it?"
9 Things I Hate About Everyone
Funny Jokes Posted on Friday, March 16, 2007 by Author @ 10:40 AM
1. People who point at their wrist while asking for the time.... I know where my watch is pal, where the hell is yours?Do I point at my crotch when I ask where the toilet is?
2. People who are willing to get off their ass to search the entire room for the T.V. remote because they refuse to walk to the T.V. and change the channel manually.
3. When people say "Oh you just want to have your cake and eat it too". Damn right! What good is cake if you can't eat
it?
4. When people say "it's always the last place you look". Of course it is. Why the hell would you keep looking after you've found it? Do people do this? Who and where are they? Gonna kick their asses!
5. When people say, while watching a film, "Did you see that?". No, Loser, I paid $12 to come to the cinema and stare at the damn floor.
6. People who ask "Can I ask you a question?".... Didn't really give me a choice there, did ya, Sunshine?
7. When something is "new and improved!"...Which is it? If it's new, then there has never been anything before it. If it's an improvement, then there must have been something before it, so it couldn't be new.
8. When people say "life is short". What the hell?? Life is the longest damn thing anyone ever experiences!! What can you do that's longer?
9. When you are waiting for the bus and someone asks "Has the bus come yet?". If the bus came would I be standing here, Dumb-ass?
Black Eye
Funny Jokes Posted on Thursday, March 15, 2007 by Author @ 7:01 PM
Little Johnny comes home from catholic school with a black eye. His father sees it and says, "Johnny, how many times do I have to tell you not to fight with the other boys?""But Dad, it wasn't my fault. We were all in church saying our prayers. We all stood up and my teacher in front of me had her dress in the crack of her ass. I reached over and pulled it out. That's when she hit me!"
"Johnny," the father said. "You don't do those kind of things to women."
Sure enough, the very next day Johnny came home with another black eye. Johnny's father said, "Johnny, I thought we had a talk!"
"But Dad," Johnny said, "It wasn't my fault. There we were in church saying our prayers. We all stood up and my teacher in front of us had her dress in the crack of her ass. Then Louie who was sitting next to me saw it and he reached over and pulled it out. Now I know she doesn't like this, so I pushed it back in!
Compliments - Good and Bad
Funny Jokes Posted on Wednesday, March 14, 2007 by Author @ 12:36 AM
Two high-school buddies were attending the senior prom."Suzy wants to go out to my car. She's really hot," one boy said. "I'm really nervous. I know I'll goof up!"
"Take it easy," his friend assured him. "All you gotta do is compliment her. Chicks love to be complimented. You'll have her in the palm of your hand."
About a half-hour later the young man came back, rubbing a black eye.
"Shit, man! What happened to you?!" his buddy asked.
"I took your advice."
"Didn't you compliment her?"
"Sure I did. We got in my car and started kissing. I told her that for such full lips, hers sure tasted sweet. She liked that. After a while I started feeling her tits, and I told her that for such large breasts they sure were firm. She like that too."
"It sounds like you were doing great," his friend said.
"Well," the other answered, "that's when everything went wrong. I got her dress up and her panties off, and I tried to think of another compliment."
"What did you say?"
"For such a large crack, it doesn't stink much."
An American Tourist
Funny Jokes Posted on Tuesday, March 13, 2007 by Author @ 12:41 PM
An American tourist in Moscow found himself needing to take a leak very badly. After a long search he just couldn't find anyplace to relieve himself. So he just went down one of the side streets to take care of business.Before he could even get unzipped a Moscow police officer said, "Hey you, what are you doing?"
"I gotta go, man," replied the tourist.
"You can't go here. Look, follow me," the policeman offered.
The police officer led him to a beautiful garden with lots of grass, pretty flowers, and manicured hedges. "Here," said the cop, "whiz away."
The American shrugs, turns, unzips, and starts right on the flowers. "Ahhh. Whew. Thanks. This is very nice of you. Is this Russian courtesy?" asked the tourist.
"No. This is the American Embassy."
Gross Me Out
Funny Jokes Posted on Monday, March 12, 2007 by Author @ 10:10 AM
A True StoryAs I was trying to pack for vacation, my 3 year old daughter was having a wonderful time playing on the bed. At one point, she said, "Mom, look at this," and stuck out her 2 fingers.
Trying to keep her entertained, I reaches out and stuck her fingers in my mouth and said, "Mommy is gonna eat your fingers!" pretending to eat them before I rushed out of the room again.
When I returned, my daughter was standing on the bed staring at her fingers with a devastated look on her face. I said," What's wrong honey?"
"Mommy, where's my booger?"
Weather Forecast
Funny Jokes Posted on Sunday, March 11, 2007 by Author @ 2:33 PM
Ole and Lena were sitting down to their usual cup of morning coffee listening to the weather report coming over the radio. "There will be 3 to 5 inches of snow today and a snow emergency has been declared. You must park your cars on the odd numbered side of the streets." Ole got up from his coffee and replies "Jeez, OK."Two days later, again they both are sitting down with their cups of morning coffee and the weather forecast is, "There will be 2 to 4 inches of snow today and a snow emergency has been declared. You must park your cars on the even numbered side of the streets." Ole got up from his coffee and replies, "Jeez, OK."
Three days later, again they both are sitting down with their cups of coffee and the weather forecast is, "There will be 6 to 8 inches of snow today and a snow emergency has been declared. You must park your cars on the..." and then the power went out and Ole didn't get the rest of the instructions. He says to Lena, "Jeez, what am I going to do now, Lena?" Lena replies, "Aw, Ole, just leave the car in the garage."
My Brother-In-Law
Funny Jokes Posted on Saturday, March 10, 2007 by Author @ 11:17 AM
A man was brought to Mercy Hospital and taken in for coronary surgery. The operation went well and, as the groggy man regained consciousness, he was reassured by a Sister of Mercy, who was waiting by his bed."Mr. Smith, you're going to be just fine," said the nun, gently patting his hand. "We do need to know, however, how you intend to pay for your stay here. Are you covered by insurance?"
"No, I'm not," the man whispered hoarsely.
"Can you pay in cash?" persisted the nun.
"I'm afraid I cannot, Sister."
"Well, do you have any close relatives?" the nun essayed.
"Just my sister in New Mexico," he volunteered. "But she's a humble spinster nun."
"Oh, I must correct you, Mr. Smith. Nuns are not 'spinsters.' They are married to God."
"Wonderful," said Smith. "In that case, please send the bill to my brother-in-law."
Cuckoo Clock
Funny Jokes Posted on Friday, March 09, 2007 by Author @ 3:53 PM
At about 3 a.m., a guy was drunk as a skunk. He came home just in time to hear the cuckoo clock cuckoo three times. Quickly coming up with a plan, he cuckooed nine more times, hoping his wife would think it was midnight.He was very proud of himself.
The next day, his wife asked what time he got home, and he replied, "Midnight, just like I said."
She said that was good, and for some reason she said we needed a new cuckoo clock. When he asked why, she answered, "Last night when it cuckooed midnight, it cuckooed three times, said 'Crap!,' cuckooed one more times, farted, cuckooed three times, cleared its throat, cuckooed two more times and then started giggling."
Officer Mary
Funny Jokes Posted on Thursday, March 08, 2007 by Author @ 10:35 PM
Police officer George and officer Mary had been assigned to walk the beat.They had only been out a short while when Mary said, "Damn, I was running late this morning after my workout and after I showered, I forgot to put on my panties! We have to go back to the station to get them."
George replied, "We don't have to go back, just give the K-9 unit, Fido one sniff, and he will go fetch them for you."
It was a hot day and Mary didn't fell like heading back to the station, so she lifted her skirt for the dog. Fido's nose shoots between her legs, sniffing and snorting.
After 10 seconds of sniffing, Fido's ears pick up, he sniffs the wind, and he is off in a flash towards the station house.
Five minutes go by and no sign of Fido.
Ten minutes pass, and the dog is nowhere to be seen.
Fifteen minutes pass, and they are starting to worry.
Twenty minutes pass, and they hear sirens in the distance. The sirens get louder and louder. Suddenly, followed by a dozen police cars, Fido rounds the corner with the Desk Sergeant's balls in his mouth.