Wife vs Husband
Funny Jokes Posted on Wednesday, February 28, 2007 by Author @ 12:52 PM
Wife : You tell a man something: it goes in one ear and comes out of the other.Husband : You tell a woman something.
It goes in both ears and comes out of the mouth.
ASSUME
Funny Jokes Posted on Tuesday, February 27, 2007 by Author @ 2:15 PM
My lecturer taught me never, never, never to ASSUME. Because it makes an "ASS" out of "U" and "ME".Baby
Funny Jokes Posted on Monday, February 26, 2007 by Author @ 6:10 PM
John went to his friend's house unannounced, and he wanted to spend the night. His friend was sorry that he could not offer him a whole room, so he said, "You can sleep on the floor in the living room, or you can sleep in the room with Baby."John said that he would prefer the floor.
The next morning he went to the bathroom, and there he met a gorgeous young blond. "Hi," he said, "who are you?"
"I'm Baby, and who are you?"
"I'm stupid," he said
Freudian Slip
Funny Jokes Posted on Sunday, February 25, 2007 by Author @ 9:20 PM
One day there was a priest sitting in a pew with a very worried and nervous look, and a another priest saw him and wondered what was wrong.The second priest thought he should try to help, so he approached his distraught associate and asked him what was wrong. "Well" the first priest said, "have you ever heard of a Freudian Slip?"
"No," said the other priest.
"Well" said the first priest, "it's when one slips and says something one is thinking usually when it is the least opportune time."
"Oh," said the second priest, "so, what happened?"
"Well, today I performed a wedding and you know the part when you say 'I now pronounce you man and wife'?" asked the first priest.
"Yes?" said the second priest. "Well that is what I meant to say, and what I actually said was, "I now sentence you to death."
COSTELLO CALLS TO BUY A COMPUTER FROM ABBOTT ...
Funny Jokes Posted on Saturday, February 24, 2007 by Author @ 7:30 PM
ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?COSTELLO: Thanks. I'm setting up an office in my den and I'm thinking about buying a computer.
ABBOTT: Mac?
COSTELLO: No, the name's Lou.
ABBOTT: Your computer?
COSTELLO: I don't own a computer. I want to buy one.
ABBOTT: Mac?
COSTELLO: I told you, my name's Lou.
ABBOTT: What about Windows?
COSTELLO: Why? Will it get stuffy in here?
ABBOTT: Do you want a computer with Windows?
COSTELLO: I don't know. What will I see when I look at the windows?
ABBOTT: Wallpaper.
COSTELLO: Never mind the windows. I need a computer and software.
ABBOTT: Software for Windows?
COSTELLO: No. On the computer! I need something I can use to write proposals and track expenses and run my business. What do you have?
ABBOTT: Office.
COSTELLO: Yeah, for my office. Can you recommend anything?
ABBOTT: I just did.
COSTELLO: You just did what?
ABBOTT: Recommend something.
COSTELLO: You recommended something?
ABBOTT: Yes.
COSTELLO: For my office?
ABBOTT: Yes.
COSTELLO: OK, what did you recommend for my office?
ABBOTT: Office.
COSTELLO: Yes, for my office!
ABBOTT: I recommend Office with Windows.
COSTELLO: I already have an office with windows! OK, let's just say I'm sitting at my computer and I want to type a proposal. What do I need?
ABBOTT: Word.
COSTELLO: What word?
ABBOTT: Word in Office.
COSTELLO: The only word in office is office.
ABBOTT: The Word in Office for Windows.
COSTELLO: Which word in office for windows?
ABBOTT: The Word you get when you click the blue "W".
COSTELLO: I'm going to click your blue "w" if you don't start with some straight answers. What about financial bookkeeping? You have anything I can track my money with?
ABBOTT: Money.
COSTELLO: That's right. What do you have?
ABBOTT: Money.
COSTELLO: I need money to track my money?
ABBOTT: It comes bundled with your computer.
COSTELLO: What's bundled with my computer?
ABBOTT: Money.
COSTELLO: Money comes with my computer?
ABBOTT: Yes. No extra charge.
COSTELLO: I get a bundle of money with my computer? How much?
ABBOTT: One copy.
COSTELLO: Isn't it illegal to copy money?
ABBOTT: Microsoft gave us a license to copy Money.
COSTELLO: They can give you a license to copy money?
ABBOTT: Why not? THEY OWN IT!
(A few days later)
ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?
COSTELLO: How do I turn my computer off?
ABBOTT: Click on "START" ............
Contributed By - Liane Chang
A Man Was Complaining To God.............
Funny Jokes Posted on Friday, February 23, 2007 by Author @ 8:25 PM
Oh Lord, please have mercy on me, I work so very hard, meanwhile my wife stays at home. I would give anything if you would grant me one wish "Please, switch me into my wife. She's got it easy at home and I want to teach her a lesson of how tough a man's life is!"As God was listening he felt sorry for this poor soul and granted his wish.
Next morning the "new woman" wakes up at dawn..........
1) and takes a quick shower and other quick grooming,
2) makes coffee for self and spouse,
3) feeds the cat,
4) makes lunch boxes,
5) prepares breakfast for four,
6) wakes up the kids for school,
7) prepares clothes for the littlest one,
8) puts a load of clothes in the washer
9) takes the meat out of the freezer
10) drives the kids to school,
11) on his way back, stops at the gas station for a fill-up,
12) cashes a check at the local bank,
13) stops by to pay the electricity and phone bills,
14) picks up some clothes from the cleaners,
15) quickly goes to the grocery store for this week's essentials,
16) And on the last leg home, stops at the post office to pick up a package.
By the time he gets home, it's 1:00 PM already, so..............
17) he makes the beds,
18) takes the clothes out of the washer into the dryer and puts another load in to wash,
19) folds and puts away the clothes that don't need ironing,
20) he vacuums the house,
21) boils some rice for his late lunch,
22) goes to pick up the kids from school and argues with them while driving
As soon as he gets home...........
23) he feeds the kids a snack,
24) puts the dirty dishes in the dishwasher and starts the machine,
25) he takes out second load of damp clothes to put into the dryer,
26) he helps the kids with their homework,
27) finally, he feeds the dog,
28) watches some TV while he irons some clothes from the first load,
29) prepares and serves dinner,
30) empties the dishwasher to load some more,
31) cleans the stovetop and puts away leftovers,
32) prepares the trash to be taken out,
33) he gives the littlest kid a bath,
34) And reads them each a story to put them to sleep.
By 9:00 PM he was so tired............
35) and he brushes his teeth and prepares for bed,
36) reads the mail and quickly looks at the newspaper,
37) briefly discusses with spouse the day's activities,
38) And despite the exhaustion, he manages to make love, and then finally
falls asleep.
The next morning he prays to God once again:
"Oh Lord, what was I thinking when I asked you to grant my wish, I can't take it anymore. I beg you please switch me back to myself, please oh please!"
Then he heard God's voice speaking to him, saying:
"Dear son, of course I'll switch you back into yourself now that you are wiser, but there's one minor detail, ...................
you will have to wait nine months because last night you got pregnant."
Chinese Switchboard
Funny Jokes Posted on Thursday, February 22, 2007 by Author @ 8:49 PM
Caller: Hello, can I speak to Annie Wan?Operator : Yes, you can speak to me.
Caller: No, I want to speak to Annie Wan!
Operator: You are talking to someone! Who is this?
Caller: I'm Sum Wan ..And I need to talk to Annie Wan! It's urgent.
Operator: I know u are someone and u want to talk to anyone! But what's this urgent matter about?
Caller: Well just tell my sister Annie Wan that our brother, Noe Wan was involved in an accident. Noe Wan got injured and now Noe Wan is being sent to the hospital. Right now, Avery Wan is on his way to the hospital.
Operator: Look if no one was injured and no one was sent to the hospital from the accident that isn't an urgent matter! You may find this hilarious but I don't have time for this!
Caller: You are so rude! Who are you?
Operator: I'm Saw Lee.
Caller: Yes! You should be sorry. Now give me your name!!
Before And After Wedding
Funny Jokes Posted on Wednesday, February 21, 2007 by Author @ 2:06 PM
Before Wedding- Roses are red, violets are blue. Like it or not, I'm stuck with you.After Wedding- Roses are dead, I am blue You get on my head, I will sue you.
Before Wedding- Every makan he brings you to Shangri-La.
After Wedding- Where you want to go, he says hawker centre lah.
Before Wedding- She enjoys his looks.
After Wedding- She enjoys his cheque book.
Before Wedding- She looks like Ling Qing Xia.
After Wedding- She looks like Shen Dian Xia.
Before Wedding- Weekends at Cameron, Genting & Fraser Hill.
After Wedding- Furthest you go is Bukit Timah Hill.
Before Wedding- He opens the car door.
After Wedding- He opens his mouth & snores.
Before Wedding- She was your ideal.
After Wedding- She becomes your ordeal !
Business most vulnerable to credit card fraud
Funny Jokes Posted on Tuesday, February 20, 2007 by Author @ 11:28 AM
Adult and instant entertainment sites are so susceptible. Adult sites get a high rate of chargebacks from participants who claim to their wives when the statement comes that they never signed up for the service, that it must have been some big mistake.Kiss
Funny Jokes Posted on Monday, February 19, 2007 by Author @ 5:55 PM
There was a boy, whose parents were very strict in his upbringing. They never allowed him to meet any girls, except his own relatives. However, one day, he saw one of his best friends kissing a girl and he went to his Mother and asked her what they were doing.His Mother told him. "It's called kissing and any boy who does that to a girl will turn to stone that very minute!"
On his 21st Birthday, he went out with some friends, who introduced him to one of the sweetest girls around town. She knew that he had never been kissed before.
When she eventually got some time alone with him, she tried to kiss him but he resisted. She asked him, "What are you afraid of? It won't hurt." He replied, "My Mother said if I kiss a girl, I'll die that very minute!" She replied, "Don't be a baby, now come on kiss me." With that she gave him a hot kiss, square across the lips. He began to cry, "Oh no I'm going to die." She asked, "Why are you going to die?" He replied, "I've just kissed you and already one part of me has begun to get stiff!"
Turner Brown
Funny Jokes Posted on Sunday, February 18, 2007 by Author @ 9:21 AM
A small guy goes into an elevator, looks up and notices a huge dude standing next to him. The big dude looks down upon the small guy and says, "7 feet tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch penis, 3 pound left testicle, 3 pound right testicle, Turner Brown."The small guy faints.
The big dude picks up the small guy and brings him to, slapping his face and shaking him and asks the small guy, "What's wrong with you?"
The small guy says, "Excuse me, but what did you say?"
The big dude looks down and says, "7 feet tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch penis, 3 pound left testicle, 3 pound right testicle, Turner Brown."
The small guy says, "Thank God! I thought you said 'Turn around'."
Earth Rotated 30 Times Faster
Funny Jokes Posted on Saturday, February 17, 2007 by Author @ 5:58 PM
Does anyone know what would happen if the earth rotated 30 times faster than it does today ??We would get our paycheck everyday, and all women would bleed to death...
Deer
Funny Jokes Posted on Friday, February 16, 2007 by Author @ 10:14 PM
A hunter kills a deer and brings it home.He decides to clean and serve the venison for supper. He knows his kids are fussy eaters, and won't eat it if they know what it is - so he does not tell them. His little boy keeps asking him, "What's for supper?" "You'll see", says his dad. They start eating supper and his daughter keeps asking what they're eating.
"Ok," says her dad, "here's a hint, its what your mother sometimes calls me." "We're eating asshole!!"
Wife
Funny Jokes Posted on Thursday, February 15, 2007 by Author @ 10:06 PM
Husband asks , "Do u know the meaning of WIFE??Without Information Fighting Everytime
Wife replies," No, It means , With Idiot For Ever !!!"
Blow Job
Funny Jokes Posted on Wednesday, February 14, 2007 by Author @ 7:12 PM
A woman recently lost her husband. She had him cremated and brought his ashes home. One day she picked up the urn he was in and poured him out on the coffee table.She then started talking to him, and tracing her fingers in the ashes, she said, "You know that fur coat you promised me, Irving? "She answered by saying, "I bought it with the insurance money!" Then she said, "Irving, remember that new car you promised me?" She answered again saying, "Well, I bought it with the insurance money! "Then she said, "And remember the big beautiful house that sits at the top of the hill that I fell in love with but you said we couldn't afford?" Once more she answered saying, "Well I bought that too with the insurance money and I love living here!"
Still tracing her finger in the ashes, she said, "Irving, remember that blowjob I promised you? Well here it comes...."
What a Guy Really Means When He Says...
Funny Jokes Posted on Tuesday, February 13, 2007 by Author @ 11:00 PM
What a Guy Really Means When He Says..."I'm going fishing."
Really means... "I'm going to drink myself dangerously stupid and stand by a stream with a stick in my hand, while the fish swim by in complete safety."
"It's a guy thing."
Really means.... "There is no rational thought pattern connected with it, and you have no chance at all of making it logical."
"Can I help with dinner?"
Really means... "Why isn't it already on the table?"
"Uh huh," "Sure, honey," or "Yes, dear."
Really means... Absolutely nothing. It's a conditioned response.
"It would take too long to explain."
Really means... "I have no idea how it works."
"I'm getting more exercise lately."
Really means... "The batteries in the remote are dead."
"We're going to be late."
Really means... "Now I have a legitimate excuse to drive like a maniac."
"Take a break, honey, you're working too hard."
Really means...."I can't hear the game over the vacuum cleaner."
"That's interesting, dear."
Really means... "Are you still talking?"
"Honey, we don't need material things to prove our love."
Really means... "I forgot our anniversary again."
"That's women's work."
Really means... "It's difficult, dirty, and thankless."
"You know how bad my memory is."
Really means... "I remember the theme song to 'F Troop', the address of the first girl I ever kissed and the Vehicle Identification Numbers of every car I've ever owned, but I forgot your birthday."
"Oh, don't fuss. I just cut myself, it's no big deal."
Really means... "I have severed a limb, but will bleed to death before I admit I'm hurt."
"I do help around the house."
Really means... "I once put a dirty towel in the laundry basket."
"Hey, I've got my reasons for what I'm doing."
Really means... "I sure hope I think of some reasons pretty soon."
"I can't find it."
Really means... "It didn't fall into my outstretched hands, so I'm completely clueless."
"What did I do this time?"
Really means... "What did you catch me doing?"
"I heard you."
Really means... "I haven't the foggiest clue what you just said, and I'm hoping desperately that I can fake it well enough so that you don't spend the next days yelling at me."
"You look terrific."
Really means... "Oh, God, please don't try on one more outfit. I'm starving."
"I missed you."
Really means... "I can't find my sock drawer, the kids are hungry and we are out of toilet paper."
"I'm not lost. I know exactly where we are."
Really means... "I'm lost. I have no idea where we are, and no one will ever see us alive again."
"I don't need to read the instructions."
Really means... "I am perfectly capable of screwing it up without printed help."
Car Accident
Funny Jokes Posted on Monday, February 12, 2007 by Author @ 7:08 PM
A car was involved in an accident in a street. As expected a large crowd gathered. A newspaper reporter, anxious to get his story could not get near the car.Being a clever sort, he started shouting loudly, "Let me through! Let me through! I am the son of the victim."
The crowd made way for him.
Lying in front of the car was a donkey.
Good Girl
Funny Jokes Posted on Sunday, February 11, 2007 by Author @ 9:22 PM
Three girls died and were brought to the gates of heaven. Upon entering the gate they were halted by St. Peter and his obedient angel. St. Peter asked the girls, "Before entering you must answer this simple question.""Which is ...?" they replied in unison.
"Have you been a good girl?" he asked the first girl.
"Oh yes", she said. "I was a virgin before I got married and was still a virgin even after I got married."
"Very good", said St.Peter. "Angel, give this girl... the golden key."
"Have you been a good girl?" he asked the second girl.
"Oh,quite good" she said. "I was a virgin before I got married but was not after I got married."
"Very good", said St.Peter. "Angel, give this girl... the silver key."
"Have you been a good girl?" he asked the third girl.
"Oh no, not at all", she said. "I had sex with practically every guy I met, before and after I got married. Anywhere, anytime."
"Very good", said St.Peter. "Angel, give this girl....... my room key."
A Game Warden
Funny Jokes Posted on Saturday, February 10, 2007 by Author @ 11:45 AM
A game warden came upon a duck hunter who had bagged 3 ducks and decided to "enforce the laws pending." He stopped the hunter, flashed his badge and said, "Looks like you've had a pretty good day. Mind if I inspect your kill?"The hunter shrugged and handed the ducks to the warden. The warden took one of the ducks, inserted his finger into the duck's rectum, pulled it out, sniffed it, and said, "This here's a Washington state duck. Do you have a Washington state hunting license?"
The hunter pulled out his wallet and calmly showed the warden a Washington state hunting license. The warden took a second duck, inserted his finger in the bird's rectum, pulled it out, sniffed it, and said, "This here's an Idaho duck. Do you have an Idaho state hunting license?"
The hunter, a bit put out, produced an Idaho state hunting license. The warden took a third duck, conducted the same finger test, and said, "This here's an Oregon state duck. Do you have an Oregon state hunting license?"
Once again, only this time more aggravated, the hunter produced the appropriate license. The warden, a little miffed at having struck out, handed the ducks back to the hunter and said, "You've got all of these licenses, just where the hell are you from?"
The hunter dropped his pants, bent over, and said "You're so smart, you tell me!
Terrorist
Funny Jokes Posted on Friday, February 09, 2007 by Author @ 12:22 PM
Iraqi terrorist, Khay Rahnajet, didn't pay enough postage on a letter bomb. It came back with "return to sender" stamped on it. You guessed it, he opened it and said a fond farewell to his face.35th Wedding Anniversary
Funny Jokes Posted on Thursday, February 08, 2007 by Author @ 5:26 PM
A married couple in their early 60s was celebrating their 35th wedding anniversary in a quiet, romantic little restaurant.Suddenly, a tiny yet beautiful fairy appeared on their table saying, "For being such an exemplary married couple and for being loving to each other for all this time, I will grant you each a wish."
The fairy waved her magic wand and - poof! - two tickets for the Queen Mary
II appeared in her hands.
The husband' thought for a moment:
"Well, this is all very romantic, but an opportunity like this will never come again. I'm sorry my love, but my wish is to have a wife 30 years younger than me."
The wife, and the fairy, were deeply disappointed, but a wish is a wish.
So the fairy waved her magic wand and - poof! - the husband became 92 years old.
Syllables
Funny Jokes Posted on Wednesday, February 07, 2007 by Author @ 10:02 PM
The first grade teacher was starting a new lesson on multi-syllable words. She thought it would be a good idea to ask a few of the children examples of words with more than one syllable."Jane, Do you know any multi-syllable words?"
"After some thought Jane proudly replied with Monday."
"Great Jane. That has two syllables, Mon......day"
"Does anyone know another word."
"I do! I do!" replied Johnny.
Knowing Johnny's more mature sense of humor she picks Mike instead.
"OK Mike, what is your word."
"Saturday." says Mike.
"Great, that has three syllables..."
Not wanting to be outdone Johnny says "I know a four syllable word. Pick me! Pick me!"
Not thinking he can do any harm with a word that large the teacher reluctantly says, "O.K. Johnny what is your four syllable word?"
Johnny proudly says, "Mas...tur...ba...tion."
Shocked, the teacher, trying to retain her composure says,
"Wow, Johnny. Four syllables! That's certainly is a mouthful."
"No Ma'am, your thinking of 'blowjob', and that's only two syllables."