$64,000 Question
Funny Jokes Posted on Wednesday, January 31, 2007 by Author @ 6:59 PM
Bob had finally made it to the last round of the $64,000 Question. The night before the big question, he told the M.C. that he desired a question on American History.The big night had arrived. Bob made his way on stage in front of the studio and TV audience. He had become the talk of the week. He was the best guest this show had ever seen. The M.C. stepped up to the mic.
"Bob, you have chosen American History as your final question. You know that if you correctly answer this question, you will walk away $64,000 dollars richer. Are you ready?"
Bob nodded with a cocky confidence-the crowd went nuts. He hadn't missed a question all week.
"Bob, your question on American History is a two-part question. As you know, you may answer either part first. As a rule, the second half of the question is always easier. Which part would you like to take a stab at first?"
Bob was now becoming more noticeably nervous. He couldn't believe it, but he was drawing a blank. American History was his easiest subject, but he played it safe.
"I'll try the easier part first."
The M.C. nodded approvingly. "Here we go Bob. I will ask you the second half first, then the first half."
The audience silenced with gross anticipation......
"Bob, here is your question: And in what year did it happen??"
Wrong Idea
Funny Jokes Posted on Tuesday, January 30, 2007 by Author @ 7:52 PM
A young couple are out for a romantic walk along a country lane.They walk hand in hand and as they stroll the guy's lustful desire rises to a peak.
He is just about to get frisky when she says, "I hope you don't mind but I really do need to pee."
Slightly taken aback by this vulgarity he replies, "OK. Why don't you go behind this hedge."
She nods agreement and disappears behind the hedge. As he waits he can hear the sound of nylon knickers rolling down her voluptuous legs and imagines what is being exposed. Unable to contain his animal thoughts a moment longer, he reaches a hand through the hedge and touches her leg. He quickly brings his hand further up her thigh until suddenly and with great astonishment finds himself gripping a long, thick appendage hanging between
her legs.
He shouts in horror, "My God Mary ... have you changed your sex?"
"No," she replies. "I've changed my mind, I'm having a shit instead."
Miss School
Funny Jokes Posted on Monday, January 29, 2007 by Author @ 6:40 PM
Teacher: "Chong, u missed school last Friday."Chong : "You're wrong, Sir."
Teacher: "Wrong, how is that?"
Chong : "I was absent, yes but I certainly didn't miss it!"
Some Good News And Some Bad News
Funny Jokes Posted on Sunday, January 28, 2007 by Author @ 6:15 PM
God says to Adam, "I have some good news and some bad news, what do you want to hear first?"Adam says, "Tell me the good news first."
God says, "I'm going to give you a penis and a brain. You'll derive from these, great pleasure and great intellect."
Adam replies, "Wonderful! But what's the bad news?"
God says, "I'm only going to give you enough of a blood supply to work one at a time."
Beer
Funny Jokes Posted on Saturday, January 27, 2007 by Author @ 6:06 PM
Yesterday, scientists for Health Canada suggested that men should take a look at their beer consumption, considering the results of a recent analysis that revealed the presence of female hormones in beer.The theory is that drinking beer makes men turn into women.
To test the finding, 100 men were fed 6 pints of beer each. It was then observed that 100% of the men gained weight, talked excessively without making sense, became overly emotional, couldn't drive, failed to think rationally, argued over nothing, and refused to apologize when wrong.
No further testing is planned.
Friends
Funny Jokes Posted on by Author @ 2:28 AM
Man comes home , finds his wife with his friend in bed . He shoots his friend and kills him.Wife says "If you behave like this, you will lose ALL your friends"
Fart
Funny Jokes Posted on Thursday, January 25, 2007 by Author @ 6:43 PM
An old lady came into her doctor's office and confessed to an embarrassing problem: "I fart all the time, Dr. Johnson, but they're silent, and they have no odor. In fact, since I've been here, I've farted no less than twenty times. What can I do?" "Here's a prescription, Mrs. Barker. Take these pills three times a day for seven days. Then come back to see me in a week." The next week, an upset Mrs. Barker marched into Dr. Johnson's office: "Doctor, I don't know what was in those pills, but the problem is now much worse. I'm farting just as much, and they're still silent, but now they smell terrible! What do you have to say for yourself?" "Calm down, Mrs. Barker," replied the doctor soothingly. "Now that we've fixed your sinuses, we can begin to work on your hearing!!"Short Jokes
Funny Jokes Posted on Wednesday, January 24, 2007 by Author @ 10:41 PM
A man said his credit card was stolen but he decided not to report it because the thief was spending less than his wife did.First Guy (proudly) : "My wife's an angel!"
Second Guy : "You're lucky, mine's still alive."
Girl : Do you love me ?
Boy : Yes Dear Girl : Would you die for me ?
Boy : No, mine is undying love
'Here After' Routine
Funny Jokes Posted on Tuesday, January 23, 2007 by Author @ 7:08 PM
Fred's convertible glided to a halt on the edge of a lonely country road."I suppose," said his pretty but reluctant date, "you're going to pull the old 'out of gas' routine."
"No," said Fred, "I'm going to pull the 'here after' routine."
"The 'here after' routine... what's that?", she wanted to know.
"If you're not here after what I'm here after, you'll be here after I'm gone."
Microwave
Funny Jokes Posted on Monday, January 22, 2007 by Author @ 5:37 PM
There is a blonde, she wants to buy a microwave.So she goes in and asks the sales clerk, "How much for that microwave?"
The salesclerk replies, "We don't sell Microwaves to blondes."
So the next day she dyes her hair red, and goes in and asks the same question. The sales clerk answers, "we don't sell microwaves to blondes."
So the next day she dyes her hair brunette and goes and asks the same question. The salesclerk replies the same way.
The blonde asks how he knows she is a blonde. The clerk says, "That isn't a microwave it's a TV."
Twin Brothers
Funny Jokes Posted on Sunday, January 21, 2007 by Author @ 10:25 PM
Twin brothers were named Joe and John, Joe was the owner of an old dilapidated boat. It happened that John's wife died the same day that Joe's boat sank.A few days later a kindly old lady met Joe on the street mistaking him for John, she said to him, "I'm sorry for your loss, you must feel terrible".
Joe said, "Oh hell no, face is I'm sort of glad to be rid of her. She was a rotten old thing from the beginning, her bottom was all shrivelled up and she smelled like dead fish. She was always losing water, had a bad crack in the back and a pretty big hole in the front which got bigger every time I used her. She leaked like crazy and it was difficult to keep her upright. But what really finished her off was when four tough guys rented her for a good time. I warned them that she wasn't any good, but they all wanted to have a go with her anyhow. The damn fools all tried to get on her at the same time and it was just too much for the old girl, while they were trying to get into their various positions she split up the middle".
The old woman fainted.
Morning Wood
Funny Jokes Posted on Saturday, January 20, 2007 by Author @ 5:52 PM
(the male author was responding to a woman who accidentally walked into the men's restroom):Please don't feel bad. It wasn't you entering the men's washroom that caused that guy to pee on the guy next to him. Hell, we do that all the time. It's rare for us guys to ever hit what were aiming for. Sometimes I go into the washroom, start to pee, and then just start spinning around; just so I'll make sure I hit something.
You see, something you ladies should understand by now is that men's penises have a mind of their own. A guy can go into a bathroom stall because all the urinals are being used, take perfect aim at the toilet, and his penis will still manage to piss all over the roll of toilet paper, down his left pant leg, and onto his shoe. I'm telling 'ya those little buggers can't be trusted.
After being married 28 years my wife has me trained. I'm no longer allowed to pee like a man - standing up. I am required to sit down and pee. She has convinced me that this is a small price to pay. Otherwise if she had gone to the toilet one more time at night and either sat on a pee soaked toilet seat, or fell right into the toilet because I forgot to put the seat down, she was going to kill me in my sleep.
Now another thing us guys don't usually like to talk about, but because you and I have become such good friends and you think I'm a classy guy, I might as well be candid with you because it's a real problem, and you ladies need to be understanding. It's the dreaded "morning wood".
Most mornings us guys wake up with two things. A tremendous desire to pee, and a penis so hard you could cut diamonds with it. Well, no matter how hard you try, you can't get that thing to bend, and if it don't bend you can't aim, well hell, if you can't aim you have no choice but to piss all over the wallpaper and that damn fuzzy toilet seat cover you women insist on putting on the toilet.
And by the way, when you use those damn fuzzy toilet seat covers, the friggin' toilet seat won't stay up by itself. So that means we have to use one hand to hold up the toilet seat and the other hand to try to control ourselves for that perfect aim.
Now sometimes, when you're newly married, (and I know the guys in here will back me up on this) you think you can get the toilet seat with that damn fuzzy thing to stay up. You jam it back and compress that fuzzy thing until the seat stays there. OK, so you start to pee, but then that compressed fuzzy starts to decompress and without warning that damn toilet seat comes flying down and tries to whack off your weenie.
So us guys will not lift a toilet seat with a fuzzy, it's just not safe. I tried to delicately explain this morning situation to my wife. I told her . . . look, it won't bend. She said, "sit down like I told you to do all the rest of the time." OK. I tried sitting down on the toilet with "morning wood".
Well it's is very hard to get it bent under the toilet seat, and before I could manage it, I had pissed all over the bath towels hanging on the wall across the room. Now, even if you are sitting down and you can get it forced down under the toilet seat, when you start to pee the pee shoots out from the crack between the bottom of the toilet seat and the top of the bowl. You piss all over the back of your knees and it runs down the back of our legs on to that damn matching fuzzy horseshoe rug you keep putting on the floor in front of the toilet.
I have found the only effective maneuver to deal with this morning urinary dilemma is to assume the flying superman position laying over the toilet seat. This takes a great deal of practice, perfect balance, and split time precision but it's the only sure way to get all the pee in the bowl during the first morning pee.
So you ladies have to understand that us men are not totally to blame. We are sensitive to your concerns about hygiene and bathroom cleanliness, but there are times when things just get beyond our control.
It's not our fault, it's just Mother Nature.
Now, if it was Father Nature,... there wouldn't have been a problem!!!
Walkman
Funny Jokes Posted on Friday, January 19, 2007 by Author @ 1:59 PM
A woman came home to find her husband in the kitchen, shaking frantically with what looked like a wire running from his waist towards the electric kettle. Intending to jolt him away from the deadly current she whacked him with a handy plank of wood by the back door, breaking his arm in two places. A shame as he had merely been listening to his walkman.Family Finances
Funny Jokes Posted on Thursday, January 18, 2007 by Author @ 7:52 PM
A couple was having a discussion about family finances. Finally the husband exploded, "If it weren't for my money, the house wouldn't be here!"The wife replied, "My dear, if it weren't for your money, I wouldn't be here.
Pig
Funny Jokes Posted on Wednesday, January 17, 2007 by Author @ 7:39 PM
A man is driving up a steep, narrow mountain road. A woman is driving down the same road. As they pass each other, the woman leans out of the window and yells, "PIG!!"The man immediately leans out of his window and replies, "BITCH!!"
They each continue on their way, and as the man rounds the next corner, he crashes into a pig in the middle of the road.
If only men would listen...
Shredder
Funny Jokes Posted on Tuesday, January 16, 2007 by Author @ 7:04 PM
A young executive was leaving the office late one evening when he found the CEO standing in front of a shredder with a piece of paper in his hand."Listen," said the CEO, "this is a very sensitive and important document here, and my secretary has gone for the night. Can you make this thing work?"
"Certainly," said the young executive. He turned the machine on, inserted the paper, and pressed the start button.
"Excellent, excellent!" said the CEO as his paper disappeared inside the machine. "I just need one copy."
Life is tough. It's tougher if you're blur....
Funny Jokes Posted on Monday, January 15, 2007 by Author @ 3:21 PM
Recently, when I went to McDonald's I saw on the menu that you could have an order of 6, 9 or 12 Chicken McNuggets. I asked for a half dozen mcnuggets. "We don't have half dozen nuggets," said the teenager at the counter. "You don't?" I replied. "We only have six, nine, or twelve, "was the reply. "So I can't order a half dozen nuggets, but I can order six?"That's right." So I shook my head and ordered six McNuggets.I was checking out at the local Wal-Mart with just a few items and the lady behind me put her things on the belt close to mine. I picked up one of those "dividers" that they keep by the cash register and placed it between our things so they wouldn't get mixed. After the girl had scanned all of my items, she picked up the "divider", looking it all over for the bar code so she could scan it. Not finding the bar code she said to me, "Do you know how much this is?" I said to her "I've changed my mind, I don't think I'll buy that today." She said "OK," and I paid her for the things and left. She had no clue to what had just happened.
I recently saw a distraught young lady weeping beside her car. Do you need some help?" I asked. She replied, "I knew I should have replaced the battery to this remote door unlocker. Now I can't get into my car. Do you think they (pointing to a distant convenience store) would have a battery to fit this?" "Hmmm, I dunno. Do you have an alarm, too?" I asked. "No,just this remote thingy," she answered, handing it and the car keys to me. As I took the key and manually unlocked the door, I replied, "Why don't you drive over there and check about the batteries. It's a long walk."
Several years ago, we had an Intern who was none too swift. One day she was typing and turned to a secretary and said, "I'm almost out of typing paper. What do I do?" "Just use copier machine paper," the secretary told her.With that, the intern took her last remaining blank piece of paper, put it on the photocopier and proceeded to make five "blank" copies.
Police in Radnor, Pa., interrogated a suspect by placing a metal colander on his head and connecting it with wires to a photocopy machine. The message"He's lying" was placed in the copier, and police pressed the copy button each time they thought the suspect wasn't telling the truth. Believing the "lie detector" was working, the suspect confessed.
A mother calls 911 very worried asking the dispatcher if she needs to take her kid to the emergency room, the kid was eating ants. The dispatcher tells her to give the kid some Benadryl and should be fine, the mother says, I just gave him some ant killer.....
Dispatcher: Rush him in to emergency!
Eight Months Pregnancy
Funny Jokes Posted on Sunday, January 14, 2007 by Author @ 9:03 PM
Since the wife is eight months into her pregnancy, the husband has to sleep on the floor to avoid any regrettable mistake, which might happen pretty easily, for he has been desperate for quite a while now....Just before lying down on the bed, she glances at him and sees the poor guy curls up on the floor, eyes stare widely into the empty air, filled with hopeless desire... Feeling sorry for her husband, she opens the top drawer of the cabinet, takes out a fifty dollar bill, and gives it to him:
Awww, my honey is so depressed... here, take this and go to the woman next door, she will let you sleep with her tonight...and remember that this happens only once...ok?...don't think about it again. The husband rolls his eyes in disbelief, but afraid that he may change her mind, he grabs the money and leaves quickly.
A few minutes later, he returns, hands the bill back to the wife and says with much disappointment: "She said this is not enough, she wants sixty."
The wife's face slowly turns red with anger and said: "Damn that bitch... when she was pregnant and her husband came over here... I charged him only fifty."
Biology Class
Funny Jokes Posted on Saturday, January 13, 2007 by Author @ 9:30 PM
During a Biology class, the teacher asked the class: "Why is that during childhood, gals tend to grow taller than guys?"A student replied: "That's because guys have "balls" and that weighs them down."
Teacher: "Then why is that at maturity, guys tend to grow taller than gals?"
Student: "That's because gals have breasts and they are heavier than the guys' "balls"
Teacher FAINTED.
How Far
Funny Jokes Posted on Friday, January 12, 2007 by Author @ 7:56 PM
The old man was a witness in a burglary trial.The defense lawyer asks Sam, "Did you see my client commit this burglary?"
"Yes," said Sam , "I saw him plainly take the goods."
The lawyer asks Sam again, "Sam, this happened at night. Are you sure you saw my client commit this crime?"
"Yes" says Sam, "I saw him do it."
Then the lawyer asks Sam, "Sam listen, you are 80 years old and your eyesight probably is bad. Just how far can you see at night?"
Sam says, "I can see the moon, how far is that?"
Jimmy Duncan
Funny Jokes Posted on Thursday, January 11, 2007 by Author @ 10:55 PM
The Father, passing through his son's college town late one night on a business trip, thought he would pay a surprise visit to the boy.Arriving at the fraternity house, he knocked on the door. After several minutes of knocking, a sleepy voice drifted down from a second floor window.
"Whaddya want?"
"Does Jimmy Duncan live here?" asked the father.
"Yeah!" replied the voice. "Dump him on the front porch and we'll take care of him in the morning."
Fireman Bill
Funny Jokes Posted on Wednesday, January 10, 2007 by Author @ 7:09 PM
I am retired police officer. The most embarrassing moment of my life happened when I was still on the force.On the weekends, during the early morning day shift, things were always very slow. It was customary for several of the local cops to get together at a local donat shop (where else?) and consume vast amounts of coffee.
One such morning I had had about 5 cups of the brew at the donut store, before I drove to my beat. As you can imagine, I had a call of nature. And it was urgent!
Unfortunately there were no bathrooms nearby, just a closed portion of a freeway that had been under construction for the last 10 years. The location was fairly secluded, out of public view.
There was an opened portion of a full eight-lane freeway overhead. The two opposing sides of that freeway were separated by a large open area, approximately 20 feet wide and 100 feet high. It was impossible for anyone driving up there on the freeway to see anyone down below, so I felt I had the privacy I needed to do "my business."
I parked my patrol car in the area below the opening, and with great haste I answered the call of nature. I used to take great delight in pretending that a certain part of my anatomy was a "fire hose." And while I was standind there, relieving myself, I was proud to see I could spray my "hose" a great distance. I was even making sounds, pretending to be a fire truck.
When I was finished, I zipped up and began to walk to my car. I heard a voice yelling: "Officer! Officer!"
I looked around, but couldn't see anyone in the immediate vicinity. I was puzzled. Again I heard the voice: "Officer! Officer!"
I kept looking around... nobody there. Then I glanced upward, and saw a young man and his attractive wife standing in the center of the divider portion of the open freeway overhead. They were looking down at me, waving!
The man yelled: "Officer, we ran out of gas. Could you use your radio and send us a tow truck?"
With all the dignity I could muster, I inquired if they needed regular or unleaded gas. I noticed that the wife had a very amused grin on her face. I realized that they had been watching me the whole time while I had been doing my "fire hose" routine! Not wanting to disturb me, they had patiently waited until I had finished playing fireman.
Normally there was no way to see me down here from inside a passing car up there, but after running out of gas, these people had leaned over the little wall of the center divider and looked down for help.
It was a one in a million chance that they had run out of gas at this location and I was down below playing Fireman Bill!
I was so humiliated! Good thing they weren't any closer or they could have seen that my face was about the same shade red as a fire truck. Oh well, it could have been worse. It could have been a bus load of Nuns.
Needless to say, I never played "Fireman Bill" again in this location.
Flying in Seattle
Funny Jokes Posted on Tuesday, January 09, 2007 by Author @ 6:47 PM
A helicopter pilot is flying to Seattle, and hits a pea-soup-thick fog bank. He's completely disoriented, and flies blindly around until he spies the top few floors of an office building. He pulls up real close to it, and gets the attention of a woman sitting at her desk."Excuse me!" he yells.
"Where am I?" "You're in a helicopter," she replies.
The pilot pulls off sharply to the left, takes one or two crisp turns through the dense fog, and then does a perfect blind landing at the Seattle-Tacoma Airport.
"That was amazing!" says a passenger. "How did you know from her answer where you were?"
"Easy," says the pilot. "Her answer, while correct, was absolutely useless.
So I immediately knew I was at Microsoft Tech Support."
Asleep At Church
Funny Jokes Posted on Monday, January 08, 2007 by Author @ 6:58 PM
One day Mrs. Jones went to have a talk with the minister at the local church. "Reverend," she said, "I have a problem, my husband keeps falling asleep during your sermons. It's very embarrassing. What should I do?""I have an idea," said the minister. "Take this hatpin with you. I will be able to tell when Mr. Jones is sleeping, and I will motion to you at specific times. When I motion, you give him a good poke in the leg."
In church the following Sunday, Mr. Jones dozed off. Noticing this, the preacher put his plan to work. "And who made the
ultimate sacrifice for you?" he said, nodding to Mrs. Jones.
"Jesus!", Jones cried as his