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One Hour Charge

Joke of the Day Posted on | December 21, 2007 | No Comments

A feisty 70 year-old woman had to call a furnace repairman.

After a quick inspection, the man put some oil into the motor and handed her a $70 bill for labor.

“Labor charges! One hour?” she exclaimed. “It only took you five minutes!”

The repairman explained that his company had a minimum one-hour charge on every house call.

“Well, I want my remaining 55 minutes of labor,” the lady responded, and she handed him a rake.

The repairman spent the next 55 minutes in her yard bagging leaves.

Pack Your Bags

Joke of the Day Posted on | December 20, 2007 | No Comments

A man woke up one morning to find his wife packing her bags. “Where the heck are you going?” demanded the husband.

The wife replied, “You know all this free sex I’ve been giving you all these years? Well I just found out I can get $200 a shot for it out in Las Vegas.”

With that the husband jumped out of bed and began packing HIS bags, too.

“Where do you think you’re going?” demanded the wife.

“I want to see how you can live on $400 a year!”

Government Matchmaker

Joke of the Day Posted on | December 19, 2007 | No Comments

A young lady visited the government matchmaker for marriage and requested – “I’m looking for a spouse. Can you please help me to find a suitable one?”

The marriage officer said, “You’re requirements please.”

“Well, let me see. Needs to be good looking, polite, humorous, sporty, knowledgeable, good at singing and dancing. Willing to accompany me the whole day at home during my leisure hour, if I don’t go out. Telling me interesting stories when I need companion for conversation and be silent when I want to rest.”

The officer listened carefully and replied, “I understand. You need a television.”

The Divorce Is Final

Joke of the Day Posted on | December 18, 2007 | No Comments

A judge was interviewing a lady regarding her pending divorce, and asked, “What are the grounds for your divorce?”

She replied, “About four acres and a nice little home in the middle of the property with a stream running by.”

“No,” he said, “I mean what is the foundation of this case?”

“It is made of concrete, brick and mortar,” she responded.

“I mean,” he continued, “What are your relations like?”

“I have an aunt and uncle living here in town, and so do my husband’s parents.”

He said, “Do you have a real grudge?”

“No,” she replied, “We have a two-car carport and have never really needed one.”

“Please,” he tried again, “is there any infidelity in your marriage?”

“Yes, both my son and daughter have stereo sets. We don’t necessarily like the music, but the answer to your question is ‘yes’.”

“Ma’am, does your husband ever beat you up?”

“Yes,” she responded, “about twice a week he gets up earlier than I do.”

Finally, in frustration, the judge asked, “Lady, why do you want a divorce?”

“Oh, I don’t want a divorce,” she replied. “I’ve never wanted a divorce. My husband does. He said he can’t communicate with me.”

If My Hair Is Done

Joke of the Day Posted on | December 17, 2007 | No Comments

On their wedding night, the young bride went up to her new husband.

“Since we’re married now, we can arrange our sex life like this: In the evening, if my hair is done, that means I don’t want sex at all. If my hair is somewhat undone, that means I may or may not have sex. And if my hair is completely undone, that means I want sex.”

“Okay sweetheart,” the groom replied. “Just make sure, when I come home, I usually have a drink. If I have only one drink, that means I don’t want sex. If I have two drinks, I may or may not want sex. But if I have three drinks, your hair doesn’t matter.”

Manners In The Bedroom

Joke of the Day Posted on | December 16, 2007 | No Comments

The nervous young bride became irritated by her husband’s lusty advances on their wedding night and reprimanded him severely. “I demand proper manners in bed,” she declared, “just as I do at the dinner table.”

Amused by his wife’s formality, the groom smoothed his rumpled hair and climbed quietly between the sheets. “Is that better?” he asked, with a hint of a smile.

“Yes,” replied the girl, “much better.”

“Very good, darling,” the husband whispered.
“Now would you be so kind as to please pass the pussy?”

Mangled Manhood

Joke of the Day Posted on | December 15, 2007 | No Comments

A man was in a terrible accident and his “manhood” was mangled and torn from his body. His doctor assured him that modern medicine could give him back his manhood, but that his insurance wouldn’t cover the surgery since it was considered cosmetic.

The doctor said that the cost would be $3500 for “small”, $6500 for “medium”, and $14,000 for “large.”

The man was sure he would want a medium or a large, but the doctor urged him to talk it over with his wife before deciding. The man called his wife on the phone and explained their options.

The doctor came back into the room and found the man looking quite dejected. “Well, what have the two of you decided?” he asked.

The man answered, “She’d rather remodel the kitchen!”

Cannibal Logic

Joke of the Day Posted on | December 14, 2007 | No Comments

Two cannibals, a father and son, were elected by the tribe to go out and get something to eat. They walked deep into the jungle and waited by a path.

Before long, along came this little old man. The son said, “Oh dad, there’s one.”

“No,” said the father. “There’s not enough meat on that one to even feed the dogs. We’ll just wait.”

Well, a little while later, along came this really fat man. The son said, “Hey dad, he’s plenty big enough.”

“No,” the father said. “We’d all die of a heart attack from the fat in that one. We’ll just wait.”

About an hour later, here comes this absolutely gorgeous woman. The son said, “Now there’s nothing wrong with that one dad. Let’s eat her.”

“No,” said the father. “We’ll not eat her either.”

“Why not?” asked the son.

“Because, we’re going to take her back alive and eat your mother.”

Vocabulary

Joke of the Day Posted on | December 13, 2007 | No Comments

Having just finished reading a story to my sixth-grade class, I decided to check the student’s knowledge of some of the vocabulary that had been used. “Who knows what the word ‘adolescent‘ means?” I asked.

Out of the entire class of 35, not one child raised a hand.

After a few more silent moments, I decided to give them a hint: “Adolescent- it’s something all of you are, and I am not.”

Finally one boy tentatively raised his hand, and in a very soft voice said, “Virgins?”

Einstein’s Speech

Joke of the Day Posted on | December 12, 2007 | No Comments

When Albert Einstein was making the rounds of the speaker’s circuit, he usually found himself eagerly longing to get back to his laboratory work. One night as they were driving to yet another rubber-chicken dinner, Einstein mentioned to his chauffeur (a man who somewhat resembled Einstein in looks & manner) that he was tired of speechmaking.

“I have and idea, boss,” his chauffeur said. “I’ve heard you give this speech so many times. I’ll bet I could give it for you.”

Einstein laughed loudly and said, “Why not? Let’s do it!”

When they arrive at the dinner, Einstein donned the chauffeur’s cap and jacket and sat in the back of the room. The chauffeur gave a beautiful rendition of Einstein’s speech and even answered a few questions expertly.

Then a supremely pompous professor asked an extremely esoteric question about anti-matter formation, digressing here and there to let everyone in the audience know that he was nobody’s fool.

Without missing a beat, the chauffeur fixed the professor with a steely stare and said, “Sir, the answer to that question is so simple that I will let my chauffeur, who is sitting in the back, answer it for me.”

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